How do you cope with resentful Ex of DP and DM of step kids? Does it get easier?

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I've noticed that this has come up a few times recently on the boards here - and I don't want to start a riot! I genuinely would like to hear anyone's experiences of DM to your step kids. This isn't to say all DMs are spiteful/resentful at all. However, it seems a bit taboo for a SM to admit to any problems - as if we as SM are somehow in the wrong in the first place just for being there.

My story - DPs Ex said that she liked me at first, I made a real effort to be respectful. Now she stirs up trouble even though I wasn't the OW and have now been with DP for several years. Ex -

• ignores me totally - pointedly
• tells her kids that I'm not their parent and they don't have to do anything I ask
• sends the kids over to our house whenever she liked
• undermines things I try to do with the kids
• used to constantly phone the house when the kids were here to speak to DP about trivial things at inappropriate times
• asked for increased maintenance after me and DP had a baby.

These aren't the worst things that I've heard on this board, and some things have got a lot better. She does love her kids. However, she just doesn't care if it works with me and DP in our household with the kids, and will happily make it more stressful. This has ultimately made it harder for her kids to accept me, and for them to feel happy with us without feeling disloyal to their mother.

DP likes to avoid confrontations too so has aquiesced in the past leaving our relationship vulnerable. She is horrible to DP if he doesn't do what she wants, but she does apologise to him afterwards as she wants to rely on him still, likes feeling that he is there for her. With me, she has never apologised and doesn't care, I'm not useful to her.

It just seems all a bit unnecessary, and totally out of my control. Do we just silently take it? Bite our lips and hope any stirring up with DSCs doesn't affect us?

Spice WSM I can relate to so much about your own situations! It is impossible for it not to get to us at some points.!

Leopard thanks that is a useful post
I think it's a step too far when children are taught to disrespect to adults by not doing as they're told especially if it's done just to cause hassle. (You wouldn't say that to your child about their teacher or if they were misbehaving in someone else's house). They are bound to feel disloyal it's up to them to realise how they feel about you and I'm sure in time they will come to the right conclusions of the whole situation.

At the moment, this is what has upset me - the kids don't really understand that it is stirring it when their mum tells them that I 'have no say' with them in my house. It is such a hard, sensitive situation trying to create harmony with my DP and our kids - all having different needs and confused feelings about me anyway, without having a spiteful EX just throwing her weight into the mix. The kids lose out. We all lose out. Even EX loses out.

I thought of something earlier too.

When exw decides she's going to be an asshole which is regularly, she won't allow her dc to come and see my dc. They have known each other and shared bedrooms for a long time, their formative years. They are close. They call each other brothers and sisters.

Why? If it's all about the children, why would you do that? I'd love someone to explain!

NotThe - the Ex in your case sounds like she will take any opportunity to assert her control and dominance over your DPs, and DPs kids lives - overstepping the boundaries to the extreme. How awful she won't let her DC see your DC. That is shocking and cruel. It sounds like it is all about her.

I agree. And I think this was the point of the thread wasn't it? A safe place to vent?

I just wish that they could see the impact their behaviour has on everyone's life. But she doesn't care.

Has the ex ever said why they can't come Notthespice?

I'm not "letting" dd (we came to the decision together - I'm also supporting her wish not to) see her Dad at the moment as he can't keep her emotionally safe. One reason being her SM bullies her, but there are other reasons that are down to his behaviour.

She is jealous of me, and of dd and how close they are. At least they were, he's wrecked that. Xh has told me this in explanation for some of the upsets dd has had when I've talked to him about it, and when I've talked to him about her behaviour towards me, and how his behaviour has changed. He agrees with it all - she'd be livid if she knew! It's been confirmed by others too, they observe her behaviour with dd and have told her it's not on - she's not aware that these people know me, or that things she is saying about me and dd are getting back to me.

I know I'm coming from an exes point of view but the sentiment and experience is the same - having someone completely unreasonable in your life who adversely affects it. I just ignore her and anything she says or does. The only time I do act is when dd is upset and it's affecting her adversely, and she can't handle it herself. Otherwise I'll be blowed if I'm going to let someone who has issues with jealousy and possibly anger at the situation she has ended up in be taken out on me, and affect my happiness. She doesn't have that much power over me.

I've talked to him about her behaviour towards me, and how his behaviour has changed. He agrees with it all - she'd be livid if she knew!

I was with you until this. It sounds a lot like you are enjoying these chats behind your DD's SM's back and thinking you have one up on her. Might not be true but it is how that sounds.

Presumably if she's so awful though they're getting divorced and you don't need to worry about this much longer.

Could you not explain about being disrespectful to adults and parents and the importance of not being? Not just when it comes to them visiting your house, but teachers, family, with all the children present? (even ones that are perhaps not old enough to understand)
I say that to avoid singling anyone out she can't say you singled out just her children. Plus it's important that all children understand where you're coming from. Family home everyone is to abide by the rules and listen to the adults which is both of you!

I dont let my children get away with it we all have to live together and get along, my kids have had the odd issue "I want mummy, I dont want to listen to what you have to say" to my partner. We have had this conversation ourselves that we don't disrespect adults or parents. Though my partner feels he oversteps the mark when being called a parent, he is in his own right to his children. I sometimes say dont forget he's their dad and you could end up upsetting them too.

Notthe - Yeah its not clearly all about the children! It's the same as DP Ex she just uses them as Pawns to be spiteful towards us, SOME people just hate ex new or still existing partners (even if there is no real reason to hate , society makes us feel like it isn't ok to like your ex's new girlfriend) they dont care if they hurt your children in the process just anything that gets to you!

I dont particularly like my DP Ex but all my feelings towards her are down to her actions. I think some of us can be the bigger people and put that aside for the sake of our children and theirs and some people simply cannot.

Now you see, Thesearegoodtimes, I have no problems whatsoever with what you've written. It's perfectly reasonable and you are doing the right thing.

That ^^

Perfectly summed up.

Oooh no, not at all, I hate that it's like it is, I just wanted us all to get along. I've long given up trying to talk to him about things nowadays because while he would nod and agree, nothing would change.

But at that time poor dd was really upset about having to listen to her openly criticise me and be nasty about me when she was with her Dad, and when I asked him if it was true he confirmed it, said he had had a go at her about it and went on to say the trouble is she's jealous etc. That's what I meant about her being livid, he wasn't supportive of her at all. In exactly the way people have described partners not standing up to exes on here I suppose. Except I wasn't being difficult or shouty about it, it was just a conversation. To be honest wouldn't blame her if she was! He completely overshared how he was feeling about her behaviour. I didn't want that, I just wanted it to stop for dd's sake.

Fair enough. It's easy for things to be misread and I'm sorry for doing that.

I really feel for your DD. It sounds horrible. Is she old enough to make sense of this with your help?

Someone said up thread I think, that where there are such entrenched positions no action by either stepparent or the children's mother is ever viewed through a positive or even neutral light. Every poster on this thread who makes a why do 'they' (plural) 'think this' or 'think that', is coming from their own position and experience. They are incapable of seeing it from the other perspective.

The language used has been highly emotive. Former partners are always bitter & twisted to not accept with open arms a new woman playing a central role in their children's lives, regardless of the boundaries respected or the approach to extent of that role, still wanting to control or indeed still in love with the the father of their children; whereas new partners are always over-stepping the mark/disrespectful/trying to play mum/jealous of the ex.

Former partners just need to accept, anything else is damaging the children; but the new partners seem to be blind to that fact that their actions influence that and choosing to not acknowledge is equally damaging to the children involved. If you have conflicted/confused children the responsibility lies with all to modify their behaviour. If you know that what you are doing will lead to an issue why do it? There is a responsibility for all to look at their actions as keenly as the objectionable reaction.

What is also often ignored is how the old relationship broke down, the period of time in between and the speed with which the new relationship involved the children/progressed to living together, the duration of the relationship that resulted in the children. These things matter. All the people involved are human with frailties. I remember an old colleague at work bemoaning the behaviour of his ex after they split, neither he or his new partner could really understand that she was destroyed and consequently furious and destructive that within a month they were dating, 4 months living together and had their first child within 18 months of him leaving his marriage. I was still married at the time and I was dumbfounded that he was surprised she was not accepting. They had been together for >20 years. It was an utter mess for all involved.

I am well aware that my individual position is seen as objectionable to some on here, but it is mine. Based on my former husbands partner being his affair partner whilst we were married AND her behaviour since. It is not a generalisation. The very fact she had an affair makes her loathsome in my eyes - that fact that she bakes a good fairy cake does not give her a get out of jail free card. I actually don't have any stepparents in my immediate social circle - male or female - so have nothing else to base my comments on, but my experience and it isn't positive.

Re: my deleted message a first for me in over 11 years of MN use. I was so proud of my unblemished record and if I could be arsed / had noticed earlier I would take it up with MN.

It was not a personal attack, it did not name a poster and had no coarse language in. It was however totally passive agressive and I am highly amused, that the old playground phrase of 'don't dish it if you can't take it springs to mind.'

You're proud of being passive aggressive?

[head tilt] do you have comprehension issues fastday?

I suppose I must do.

It's just it's either a bit of an odd defence (I wasn't aggressive I was PASSIVE aggressive) or a very strange thing to be proud of. To be honest, neither make sense to me. You must just be super duper clever though. Don't worry about explaining it to me though I'm sure you've got much better things to do with your Saturday night.

So explain to me then Pink - and there is nothing wrong with your recent post, btw (I missed the deleted one) - if you have nobody in your social or familial circle that is a step parent, and you can only base your opinion on your OW situation...

Why come here?? I genuinely don't understand why it would even occur to you to inhabit this section, other than to cause trouble! Just don't get it at all

fastday.... It's Friday

No way! So I guess I must have been asleep for six days!

Just a tip a wee tip - when an adjective is used in a clause it applies only to the applicable noun, broadly there are some exceptions. So in my post above I was proud of that fact I had an unblemished record in terms of post deletions. (Not that I do actually care.) It can't be read into or extrapolated any further. HTH

My Saturday (that is tomorrow) is likely to be great fun. But you are fine, happy to provide further assistance if you need it this evening. Nothing much planned.

I really wish if seen this deleted post! Good lord, if I was going to base my opinion on the morals of all exw on DPs partner, I would think they were all heartless nasty vindictive Jealous morons. I don't, surely it would be ridiculous to base my opinion of a population on 1 person .

Inhabit this section? Not so much - odd foray generally. If you refer back to my first post on this thread (my first post in this section for months...) and my previous response to the questions as to why I was here it should be clear. An alternative view on the spiteful/bitter v. defensive position, then responses to questions.

Someone presenting a different view isn't causing trouble. The Step-parenting section doesn't given snowflake status to it's posters - if anyone anywhere on MN posts inflammatory statements they should anticipate that sometimes they'll get a sharp rebuttal.

at Pink banging on about clauses when proud was used in the first paragraph which even I (obviously being very thick) can't think applies to the second. Funny sort of clauses that have a full stop and a nice big line of white space between them.

My issue was quite clearly explained. You either used being passive aggressive as a defence or you were boasting about it. It's pretty bizarre either way and I don't think we are ever likely to understand each other so please don't waste your evening on me.

The ludicrous thing is that I think if you take out the goadyness, virtually everyone on this thread is saying the same thing.

It wasn't that great a post m1nnie you really didn't miss much. For the record, it wasn't a comment on stepparents as whole, more the suitability of a particular subset to pontificate on the behaviours and impacts of others in such a relationship.

It always strikes me as odd. When ever a SP posts a thread on here painting the ex in a bad light it seems to be the same trolls posters that come out in defense of someone they don't know. well my DPs new GF is a cow, my ex is a useless twat So what the hell has that got to do with anything? Do I go on the LP board and slate posters because their DPs exw is a cow? No, because SPs are obviously much classier and restrained than exw