How do you cope with resentful Ex of DP and DM of step kids? Does it get easier?

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I've noticed that this has come up a few times recently on the boards here - and I don't want to start a riot! I genuinely would like to hear anyone's experiences of DM to your step kids. This isn't to say all DMs are spiteful/resentful at all. However, it seems a bit taboo for a SM to admit to any problems - as if we as SM are somehow in the wrong in the first place just for being there.

My story - DPs Ex said that she liked me at first, I made a real effort to be respectful. Now she stirs up trouble even though I wasn't the OW and have now been with DP for several years. Ex -

• ignores me totally - pointedly
• tells her kids that I'm not their parent and they don't have to do anything I ask
• sends the kids over to our house whenever she liked
• undermines things I try to do with the kids
• used to constantly phone the house when the kids were here to speak to DP about trivial things at inappropriate times
• asked for increased maintenance after me and DP had a baby.

These aren't the worst things that I've heard on this board, and some things have got a lot better. She does love her kids. However, she just doesn't care if it works with me and DP in our household with the kids, and will happily make it more stressful. This has ultimately made it harder for her kids to accept me, and for them to feel happy with us without feeling disloyal to their mother.

DP likes to avoid confrontations too so has aquiesced in the past leaving our relationship vulnerable. She is horrible to DP if he doesn't do what she wants, but she does apologise to him afterwards as she wants to rely on him still, likes feeling that he is there for her. With me, she has never apologised and doesn't care, I'm not useful to her.

It just seems all a bit unnecessary, and totally out of my control. Do we just silently take it? Bite our lips and hope any stirring up with DSCs doesn't affect us?

molly While I appreciate you might feel that a "he said, she said" match is necessary, are you going to address the questions you were asked by other posters, too?

Your reaction to this thread suggests that you consider it appropriate and acceptable for mums to assault, and otherwise target, their DCs step mums. (I'm using the term to describe married and unmarried partners in this context).

Is that really the case?

notthespice and fastday

Maybe you both can explain what she's saying then?

Molly... We have been doing. I believe someone just asked YOU a question, or several though. Are you going to answer? Or do you just hang around the SP boards to be nasty? I thought you were here for reasonable debate?

Also could I ask why the term stepmum isn't appropriate if you aren't married to the father of the dc? Does that mean I can't be a real mother to my dd as I was unmarried when she was born?

Just come back to this thread ... It's got a bit feisty!

It seems that many of the issues between mums and step-mums could be resolved if the parents involved sorted things out and got on. Are there any examples of amicable relations between the parents but not between the Step/Mum?

At first, I kept out of the XW's way and let DP parent with me in a supporting role
This seemed to work. However, as contact with the children deteriorated, I have been accused of forcing DP's hand and making him instigate court proceedings for contact.

I am desperately hoping that once a court order is in place for contact, things will calm down.

Imo, you are just dad's 'girlfriends' and nothing more, so back off with your expectations to play a 'parental' role to our children please as you could be history this time next year

God Molly don't flatter yourself.

are you going to address the questions you were asked by other posters too?
Erm, what questions?

Remind me what they were and I'll answer
them later.
notthe of course you are your dd's mum, you gave birth to her didn't you?

Imo, the word stepmum isn't appropriate if you're not married, why should it be?

Some of you have probably been with your partners for all of '5 mins', yet you give yourself this title
In addition, the way a number of you slag off the mother of these children, you don't DESERVE to call yourselves 'stepmums'.
It's insane that some of you demand respect, but you obviously don't give it. Remember you chose to walk into OUR lives and not the other way round, so don't expect us to be grateful!, we didn't ask you to get involved and you knew your partners came as a package.
Just to add, I do believe that everyone should be civil towards each other however because of the children involved.

Btw, you still haven't answered my question about decifering minniedrivers posts! To me, her posts are just nonsensical and aggressive!

I've been with my DH for 7 years, longer than he was with his ex, I've seen his kids just as much as him. I've I wasn't married does that mean they can't call me SM?

Some of the first family that were married don't last as long as the relationship where the two didn't get married.

*if I wasn't married

I've been with my partner for over 5 years. Longer than I was married.

I didn't choose YOU. Of that you can be very sure.

I'm not going to engage with you anymore, you're making me too angry, I actually don't even believe you're genuine.

Erm, what questions?

My question, Molly! Ive asked it twice, but I'll ask again.

Are you defending and justifying those mums who assault, abuse, harass and generally interfere with their ex's partner?

I think most stepmums, married and unmarried, would be quite happy if their DPs ex just "left them alone".
Are you really saying that they can't expect that, and should accept whatever abuse their DPs ex decides to throw at them because they have chosen to share their life with a man who has DCs with another woman?

I'm quite happy to have nothing to do with my DPs EX. Not married to DP. Have had his kids for 6/7 years, for the majority of the time mostly living with us. I have never once slagged off EX or tried to be 'best parent' or whatever the hell it is! I have kids of my own too.

What I am fed up with is the EX continually slagging me off and making her kids feel disloyal. Fed up of the bitchiness and stirring up trouble. Fed up of her continually treating DP like he is still her husband. There is absolutely no need for it and I don't bitch or create conflict with my kids 'SM'.

Precisely Bananas.

Why can't the exes understand that we just want to get on with our own lives and families, whichever form that might take. That's all.

Prettybrightfireflies no of course I'm not defending the mums who are abusive, but I think in a majority of cases, mums are generally thankful that they're children are being treated properly when in the company of dads girlfriends, and so from my point of view not usually the cause of disharmony.
If anything, in my experience, many new partners can't handle the fact their dp has children with someone else, and thats when jealousy can creep in. Many can't stand the fact that their partner has to pay child support for example and that the children are a constant reminder of the exw.

notthe I couldn't care less if you th ink I'm not genuine, but I actually am.
I won't be back to this thread however, as the Sp 'posse' obviously like to close ranks and try and intimidate posters like me with your aggressive postings.
I'll leave you to slag me off amongst yourselves and hurl the insults, which you'll no doubt do, but all that tells me is I've hit a nerve with some of you, and you don't like it.
They do say the truth hurts

AlongCame I have said this so many times. I am not a stepmum. There are no nerves for you to hit.

I don't know any stepmums who are jealous of the ex and can't see logically how that could even be true.

Your contribution to this thread has been to upset people and offer no advice at all to the OP. I certainly can't be bothered to slag you off and suspect your flounce will lead to you being forgotten immediately which is probably for the best.

molly You clearly haven't read the thread!

This thread isn't about the majority of mums, who leave their DCs stepmums alone and let them get on with it.
This thread is about those mums who cause conflict and drama.

I think you've approached this thread with your own agenda and chosen to read into it something that isn't there. If you read the OP and the posts on this thread carefully, you'll see that none of them are from stepmums who have been left alone - they are from stepmums whose lives have been blighted and damaged by the actions of their DPs ex.

Bet she's still reading

immature

Sorry MNHQ

Why do so many people assume that stepmums are "jealous" of their DP/DH's ex?
Genuinely I don't get what's so special that means we are instantly envious of the ex. Is there something I'm missing? Are they made of gold?

Just to add: Talk about people flattering themselves. For hoping thinking someone might actually be jealous of them.

I think it entirely depends on how you view "relationships".

If you think of them as a competition, then it's almost inevitable that you will consider yourself superior if you were a "first" wife, or "first" mother. You consider your status of "first" in your former DPs life as something to envy and be jealous of.

It's a bit like use of the term "OW" to describe a subsequent relationship (as opposed to a situation that involved adultery) - if you consider your ex's partner to be the other woman, then that infers that you consider yourself "his woman", too.

I prefer to view relationships as a journey - neither I nor my DH would be the people we are now if we hadn't been married and in relationships prior to each other; far from being jealous of his exW and former partners, I view then as an integral part of him that makes him who he is.

Of course she is still reading it so I shall explain my post clearly so that you don't loose any more sleep over it

Prople are speaking to you as they are, not because your a mum, it's because youre talking shite We are not the problem here, you are. If you have nothing better to do than troll the stepparents threads looking for an outlet for you bitter jealousy then it a fair presumption that you are miserable, you certainly sound it! Your DCs stepmother must be a saint and praying every day the DC take after their dad HTH

I pity you and also flip you the bird

Sorry MNHQ spice made me do it

Wow, you sound like you have a bit of pent up bitterness yourself

I understand your frustration. I get your Dp avoiding the confrontation, I wish mine would back me up from time to time but I do understand it's just not worth it it causes threats over seeing the children and unwanted hassle. She gets exactly what she wants when I say to him “are you not going to say something” Though I do expect him to say something to Dscs if they are being rude to me and that it's not acceptable the same as I would if my children were being rude to him.

For us when she sends nasty messages he reads but ignores her, he has no response for anything like (that isn't about them or contact), when it comes to talking again he acts like normal and only talks pretty much to the point. With some people this has more effect than fighting your corner as they are itching for your reaction and reply.

I think it's back to basics that generally no one really likes their ex new partner (even without kids involved). If they have decided they don't like you, generally they won't like the thought of their children liking you, then the reality of it all when they do like you. I think it's a step too far when children are taught to disrespect to adults by not doing as they're told especially if it's done just to cause hassle. (You wouldn't say that to your child about their teacher or if they were misbehaving in someone else's house). They are bound to feel disloyal it's up to them to realise how they feel about you and I'm sure in time they will come to the right conclusions of the whole situation.

I know I'm never going to get an apology ever for anything she has done. In my own personal circumstances I think she's a great mum (when not using them as pawns) I get she didn't choose me but didn't choose her either! and I definitely wouldn't! but I love my Dp and his children and He loves me and mine so that's just how it is going to be, the sooner she realises that the better. I think it adds to the stress she causes when I stress about it thats why I tend to let it go now.

Only towards molly and it's not ornt up, it's out there for all to see

RedF0x - I wouldn't say it was exactly pent-up!

Can you not understand the frustrations, when faced with the kind of bile that people like Molly spout at us every day, for no reason?

I can categorically tell you that I have never done ANYTHING to purposely hurt or upset my DP's exw. Nothing. I wasn't the OW - it was HER that had an affair. I look after her dc and treat them with kindness and respect. I've bought them presents, taken them out, and comforted them when they were upset.

Yet, from day one - she has slagged me off to the dc (I know, because they've told me), made jokes about my weight, tried to kiss my dp after she got married to her affair - honestly, I would be here all day.

Why? Why is she like this with me? I think that's why the stepmums get so upset. Most of us are just doing our best, honestly. Just like everyone else.