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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I feel nothing for them

319 replies

SarahM333 · 28/10/2015 10:55

Hi everyone

I'm 10 weeks pregnant with my first child. My OH has a son from a previous relationship, and sees him every second weekend. His ex (and therefore his child) live 5 hours from us, therefore he has to keep a rented house up there, so that he has somewhere to take his son to stay when he's there. He gets him for longer in the holidays etc.
When he takes his son, he also takes another of his ex's children (she has 5, she youngest is his and he takes the second youngest as well. All the rest of her children are late teens early twenties, meaning that when he has the kids she is "free").
My problem is that I feel nothing for his child, and even less for the one who isn't biologically his. Our baby is due in May, and we will move in together after Christmas. If I'm honest, I don't want his other child and the one that isn't his in the house. I think I'll also start to resent the money that he spends to keep a house up there, which only gets used about 4 nights a month but can't see another option.
Does anyone have any ideas as to how I can become more accepting?

OP posts:

MascaraAndConverse · 28/10/2015 12:54

OP is it absolutely necessary for you to move in with him? This will not end well and I think it is very odd that he has the other child when the child isn't even his.

As someone from the outside, it's easy for me to say don't move in with him and concentrate on your little baby. But that's my advice.

lunar1 · 28/10/2015 12:56

You can't really move in with him in these circumstances. There is so much wrong with your post I've no idea where to start but I'm guessing he didn't suddenly start supporting the other two children within the last 10 weeks. I think you need to stay where you are and claim maintenance from him when your baby is born.

Hopefully it's just hormones making you feel this way, it would be a bad move to change living arrangements till you can accept his existing children.

MrsBalustradeLanyard · 28/10/2015 12:59

You might feel nothing for them, but presumably you love your OH, and you knew he came as a package deal?

You have to act like the adult that you are and make the best life possible for the children that you have; all of them.

VimFuego101 · 28/10/2015 13:00

Surely a hotel for 4 nights a month is cheaper than renting a house? obviously for the longer periods in the summer holiday, the child can come to you as the longer stay justifies the travelling time. That said, i think you have bigger problems here than your partner maintaining a rental house in a different city.

I would say you should hold off moving in at least until the baby is born so you can see how things pan out then. And if you feel nothing for his children now, i can only imagine your feelings are going to get worse when you actually live with him and have them staying in what would then be your home.

lunar1 · 28/10/2015 13:28

Was he a step dad to the other child for long? He must feel like a dad to him or at least very close. It's lovely that he has maintained the relationship.

SeveredHeadsDragOnTheFloor · 28/10/2015 13:32

You'd better hope his next partner doesn't feel the same about your child then.

MrsBalustradeLanyard · 28/10/2015 13:35

On second thoughts, of course you feel nothing. You have no contact with these kids, as far as I can tell. They're in a separate part of your OH's life. Changing that is job number one.

ImperialBlether · 28/10/2015 13:36

He probably invites the other child so his son has someone to play with.

Epilepsyhelp · 28/10/2015 13:48

He sounds lovely and committed to his child. You cannot say that you do not want his child in 'your' house, what are you thinking?! How would you feel if you were the one with a child and your DP said 'I'm not having your child in my house'?!

wannaBe · 28/10/2015 13:57

I imagine that depending on how old the other child was when the op's dp and his mother got together it may be that he has raised the other child as his own and has kept that up even after the split. Nothing odd or wrong with that at all, in fact it's odd that anyone thinks that is wrong or odd in any way.

Clearly the op's dp has far more understanding of the fact that it takes more than a blood connection to be a parent. Unlike the op.

As for the op, it's people like you who give step parents a bad name. Anyone who says that she doesn't want her partner's children in her house has no place being in a relationship with someone with children.

Original poster

SarahM333 · 28/10/2015 14:31

Thanks for all your replies.

Of course I knew he had a child when I met him/got involved with him, and yes I love him. The fact that I have nothing to do with this child/children may be what is making me feel like this.

SeveredHeadsDragOnTheFloor-I'm not really sure what you mean?

Epilepsyhelp-you're right, he is lovely, and you're right, if the tables were turned I would probably hate it if someone said that about my child. However, it will be "my" house-I will be the one who buys it, therefore it is mine and there will be a legal document in place to substantiate this.

wannaBe-you seem pretty judgemental. I was being honest. Do I find the situation hard? Yes. Do I think that I'm right? No. If you read my post I was actually asking for advice on how to become more accepting. And I'm hardly the child's step parent.

OP posts:

Fugghetaboutit · 28/10/2015 14:44

Yes a hotel seems more sensible!

IrritableBitchSyndrome · 28/10/2015 14:46

I think you need to find a gentle way to spend more time with his existing children, including his step-child. It's tricky that there is so much physical distance between you and them, as it is hard to build up much of a relationship with people you don't see often. Short frequent visits make it easier for you to get to know each other. Bear in mind that these other kids you have no bond with will soon be older siblibgs to your child. That might change EVERYTHING :) As soon as you see your own toddler overjoyed to see his or her older siblings, and them playing with your child, sharing with him/her, helping your beloved child learn and develop, your feelings towards them will change. Take it slow, and try not to worry ;)

Micah · 28/10/2015 14:50

It gets easier.

I felt the same about dh's kids. But I'm not keen on children (or people) generally.

I basically didn't interfere, he kept to his routine of going and seeing them, I stayed at home. It gave them time together without me.

They do grow up eventually. I found once they hit teenage years things changed. They were self sufficient and didn't need "parenting" or taking care of- I could just ask them what they wanted to do. They also have a really good relationship with my dc, and it makes life easier in lots of ways.

One now stays with us most weekends (her choice). She gets herself here, home, where she needs to be. I dont feel maternal love, but I like having her around, she's a great kid, and brings a lot to our family.

cannotlogin · 28/10/2015 14:56

so...if you don't accept his children in 'your' house, what is going to happen? do you honestly think your relationship is going to survive? and if it does survive and it is at the expense of his relationship with his child, why would you want to be with a man who abandons his child on the say so of his partner? Do you want to be with that man? And if you do want to be with that man, you need to be asking yourself some serious questions as to why? Why would you be happy that his child became a statistic at the expense of your child together?

ask yourself why it's an issue to you that the mother of his children is 'free' when your partner has his child (and another that isn't his but who he has presumably acted as a partner for some time). One weekend a month and you begrudge her that?

HerRoyalNotness · 28/10/2015 14:57

MrsB's second post has it.

To feel a connection to another person, you need to spend time with them. the child is a stranger to you at this point.

As they live 5hrs away I'm not sure how you can increase the time you spend together though, tricky. Are there any plans to move closer to the child in the future or will it always be this way?

Your OH needs to give up the house, and stay in a hotel or b&b, seems silly to have that expense for a start.

Original poster

SarahM333 · 28/10/2015 14:58

Micah and IrritableBitchSyndrome-thank you so much, that's all I really needed to hear. Because I've never been a parent, I am well aware that my feelings will change. Thank you

OP posts:

lunar1 · 28/10/2015 15:50

Have you told your partner how you feel? He should know how you feel before he considers living in a house that will be yours.

MascaraAndConverse · 28/10/2015 15:51

Your feelings might change they might not. But realistically when you have your own child , that won't automatically make you love his children just because you're a mum to your own. And having a baby won't automatically make you more accommodating to his children- in fact it could go right the other way!

MascaraAndConverse · 28/10/2015 15:53

I say children. I meant child.

wannaBe · 28/10/2015 16:40

I'm guessing that the reason why the dp rents a house is so that the dc have a more home-like environment when he sees them, rather than spending time in a hotel. While financially that might work out more expensive, i can see why he has chosen to go down that route. Going to a hotel every other weekend would create a whole different kind of atmosphere than living in an actual house. And given the op isn't keen for the dc to go to her house which she will have paid for, I can see why he is still doing this.

And actually I'm not sure how much cheaper it would be to stay in a hotel every other weekend. Depending on where these children live, it's possible that two/three nights in a hotel could easily cost between £250/£350 before you factor into the equation that all meals need to be eaten out as well, so no cooking which would be cheaper, we're talking three meals a day for one adult and two children for two days - that doesn't exactly come cheap either. Yes, I realise that there are bills etc on top of rent, but still it's possible that the cost isn't that much different.

Original poster

SarahM333 · 28/10/2015 16:41

cannotlogin-I don't know is the short answer, I wouldn't want to be with a man that abandons his child, of course not. I have many issues with the mother being "free" because she becomes uncontactable, doesn't show up on time for the kids etc. Of her five children, all of whom have different Dads (I'm not judging her for this), he is the only one which has stuck around.
Herroyalnotness-it will always be this way, we ill not move closer to them, and they will not move closer to us but yes, I think I do need to spend some time with them.
lunar1-yes, I've tried to be very honest, especially with regards to the child which is not his.
I really appreciate all the replies-it's made me see that I am behaving a little (lot) irrationally about this, and maybe trying to get to know his child better will improve the situation. I'm not an evil witch (I promise).

OP posts:

itsbetterthanabox · 28/10/2015 16:46

Why doesn't he move nearer them?

Original poster

SarahM333 · 28/10/2015 16:50

itsbetterthanabox-work is the reason

OP posts:

lunar1 · 28/10/2015 16:51

If he sees his step child as his you have no right to make a distinction between the two of them.

I know it feels like everything is a rush now because you are pregnant but you need to look at living together in years not months. You have every chance to make things work but not if you both rush in and force things.

Your partner sees himself as a dad of two, soon to be three. You need to learn to see them as his family, and siblings to your child.

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