I feel nothing for them

[SarahM333]

Hi everyone

I'm 10 weeks pregnant with my first child. My OH has a son from a previous relationship, and sees him every second weekend. His ex (and therefore his child) live 5 hours from us, therefore he has to keep a rented house up there, so that he has somewhere to take his son to stay when he's there. He gets him for longer in the holidays etc.
When he takes his son, he also takes another of his ex's children (she has 5, she youngest is his and he takes the second youngest as well. All the rest of her children are late teens early twenties, meaning that when he has the kids she is "free").
My problem is that I feel nothing for his child, and even less for the one who isn't biologically his. Our baby is due in May, and we will move in together after Christmas. If I'm honest, I don't want his other child and the one that isn't his in the house. I think I'll also start to resent the money that he spends to keep a house up there, which only gets used about 4 nights a month but can't see another option.
Does anyone have any ideas as to how I can become more accepting?

I can't work out what appalling comments I have said either. I don't know what is appalling about thinking a parent should put their biological children first, unless of course they have adopted/fostered their nonbiological children in which case they would all be equals. But we are talking about a step child here who the man has had no legal responsibility for, so in my opinion, legal responsibilities to his own children trump the apparent "moral responsibilities" to his former stepchild. If anything he has more of a moral responsibility towards his own children.
If he wants to be this child's dad then why won't he go and make it official? Like I said, he's either his dad or he isn't. im sorry, but the role "stepparent" does not come with the responsibilities that "parent" does. Moral or legal.

Pretty
Why don't you just read through everything you've written? You have banged on about how a child, who has been obviously a big part in this man's life, should now be made a non priority just because Op is expecting. Wtf?

You drone on about 'legislation', including 'financial' responsibility etc, yet you've not once mentioned the 'emotional' impact on this child should the Op's partner now put him 'bottom of his priority list'
I really can't work out how someone could have such a selfish attitude that you clearly have.

You say there's been ss involvement and allegations made against you by your dsd's mother? and now the dsd's have obviously decided not to see you?

Whatever allegations they are, judging by your obvious opinion on 'non bio children', seems to me that your dsd's had a very good reason to stay out of your life!

The op said nothing about the arrangements changing. She asked for advice about how to accept the situation, which sadly she didn't get much of because the thread got diverted into whether or not the stepchild should be included.

I told her right at the beginning not to move in with him, because she shouldn't have to accept her DP's former stepson. She can't force him to do anything, so the best thing for her to do is stay well away. I know I would.

We know you would Mascara . I was responding to Pretty's comment about contact only being a few hours.

I've just seen on another thread the same old about how financial support for your own children shouldn't go down in favour of stepchildren.
This place amazes me sometimes.

You have banged on about how a child, who has been obviously a big part in this man's life, should now be made a non priority just because Op is expecting. Wtf?

I think it's you who needs to read what I've posted.

Not once have i said the former DSC should be a non priority in the OPs DPs life. I have expressed my opinion that this child should be a lower priority than the biological DCs - which is very different.

Misreading, or misquoting individuals in order to excuse personal judgements and comments is distasteful, to say the least.

Not at all. I would suggest that there are a wider range of options available to maintain the relationship between the OP'S DP and his one biological child (currently aged 6) than just "renting a house close by", however.

The fact that there are two DC'S makes those alternatives less cost effective - such as returning to his own home with his DC by train for instance

The inclusion of the older DC creates a totally different set of emotional and financial expectations on the OP'S DP.

You may not have used the word 'non' priority, but you've certainly implied this child is a non priority! The above proves that you think it's best for this child to be totally excluded. Can't you see this?

I seriously can't be doing with this fighting against you as your views are ridiculous and cruel, and basically you're not worth it

Ps. Your so judgemental about this man taking on board this child, but atleast he has a heart to! Your dsd's don't want to see YOU! says alot about you in my opinion,

The above proves that you think it's best for this child to be totally excluded. Can't you see this?

Um, no. Not at all. You do know what the word "proof" means, don't you?

says alot about you in my opinion,

What does it say about me, disco? Presumably, if you're using the same definition of proof, I'm undoubtedly a stereotypical wicked step mum in your opinion !

Ironically, DHs exs accusations about me related to over-involvement and my (and DHs) attempts to usurp her role. Which were dismissed. I'm not sure how that fits with your theory, but I'd be interested to hear it!

Your so judgemental about this man taking on board this child

I've not once judged him for this.
I have judged him for choosing to have a child with the OP given his present commitments. That's very different.

Your DH'S ex accused you in court of becoming over involved?
That sounds like utter bollocks to me and I'd say more to do with your attitude to her children unlikely, especially as those children dont want anything to do with you, obviously.

I won't be responding to you or mascara anymore on this thread as I value my sanity and also because it's like talking to a fucking brick wall trying to get through to you both

I really do feel that your posts on here show you have serous issues towards step children and that's awful. That's my view and although you will no doubt deny this to all on here, your nasty posts suggest otherwise.

.

disco you seem incredibly invested in this thread.
Why do you feel the need to 'get through' to me? Is it not possible to accept that others have a different opinion to you?

You can think what you like about my own personal situation, I'm open about it, but recognise that some people just haven't had the life experience to accept that these things happen.

You've hurled some very personal attacks at me on this thread - called me cruel, awful, riduculous, selfish and a lier..... all because I don't agree with you. Despite that, I've enjoyed the discussion and hope it's helped the OP and others think about the issues we've 'discussed'.

Some people resort to personal insults when their arguments dry up and/or when they get frustrated that the person they are insulting won't change their views. When someone throws the personal insults around and constantly start swearing for effect, I instantly stop taking that person or their points seriously.

My accusation last night was obviously wrong.
I'm sorry.

wombat - I've been called many things, but that was a new one

I won't try and defend myself and I didn't name anyone but I don't mind apologising when I'm wrong

Well, apart from all these lengthy discussion as to where the non-bio child should stand, legally, morally or emotionally, it appears that they come as a pair as far as the OP's partner is concerned. She can't change the way he feels towards either child, so she has to make a decision. learn to live with it the best way she can....or leave!
The only thing I'd say is, if she decides to give it a go, she should do it with a good grace accepting the situation as it is, and treating both children as part of the extended family....if she doesnt/can't, they're all in for a bumpy ride!

Coincidentally I found an old blog post of mine which might explain to 123mother....

Some people will never understand

“I could never love someone the same way who wasn’t related to me by blood” – that must come as a bit of a shock to your husband!

“DNA matters” – of course it does, but is it the only thing that matters?

In fact I’ve come to the conclusion that for some people these things really do matter above all else. Or at least they think they do. In fact until your certainty is tested in the fire of reality you have no idea. Most people don’t have to consider how important genes are to them, or blood, or looking like Auntie May. Those of us who have had to come to a decision of just how important these things are versus the desire to nurture and teach and build a family realise that you can never say never. But some people will never accept or understand that and it really isn’t worth the energy of trying to explain how much you love your wonderful non-genetically-related marvelous child because they really can’t understand.

And they are all the poorer for it.

I love that Kewcumber. It's brought a lump to my throat. Thank you for sharing it here.