I feel nothing for them

[SarahM333]

Hi everyone

I'm 10 weeks pregnant with my first child. My OH has a son from a previous relationship, and sees him every second weekend. His ex (and therefore his child) live 5 hours from us, therefore he has to keep a rented house up there, so that he has somewhere to take his son to stay when he's there. He gets him for longer in the holidays etc.
When he takes his son, he also takes another of his ex's children (she has 5, she youngest is his and he takes the second youngest as well. All the rest of her children are late teens early twenties, meaning that when he has the kids she is "free").
My problem is that I feel nothing for his child, and even less for the one who isn't biologically his. Our baby is due in May, and we will move in together after Christmas. If I'm honest, I don't want his other child and the one that isn't his in the house. I think I'll also start to resent the money that he spends to keep a house up there, which only gets used about 4 nights a month but can't see another option.
Does anyone have any ideas as to how I can become more accepting?

But t you don't know that this child or other step children, who are in this situation, still have two 'real' parents besides their step parent.

Currently there is no competing - he sees extra child at the same time as bio-child - and they share the same space. No indication that he cannot afford all three children in the same way that people with three bio children can sometimes afford all three.

I think it's OK for you to say that you wouldn't pay for or see a non-bio child. But this man has chosen to do that and it is pretty clear that was the situation before OP got involved.

I would think a great deal less of a parent who has effectively been a supportive parenting figure to a very young child if they were to drop that child when new partner comes on the scene because the law allows them to.

There are a great many things you can chose to do that aren't illegal that I wouldn't consider moral. I think in the long run, the care that this man shows for a child he has taken on responsibility for bodes well for the OP's child and it would be foolish mother who tried to brow-beat that out of him. But if you would then knock yourself out.

he is the only one which has stuck around - other father is not in the picture.

Mascara - The baby won't be related one of the children by biology no but they are still siblings regardless they still have the same dad (you dont need to be biological to be a dad) Hence they will all be related in that sense they are still all Half sibling and Step sibling. I have a half sister but never at any point until I was 16 years did I know any different, I dont see her as any less she is my sister and always will be. I would feel the same and love her even if she had been a step sister because non of that really matters.

If I'm honest I dont see how any of it is relevant the real issue is exactly what Kewcumber said and I mentioned in my post that when you are in this situation when someone already has children you have to accept the arrangements that are already made be it financial, Travel, Everything. If something is already in place and he is there "dad" nothing anyone can do or say is going to change that fact it has to be accepted.

Kewcumber this is spot on
If you have a child with someone who has existing children then you have to accept that some of their time will be spent away from your child with their other children (whether they are all bio or not is irrelevant for the purposes of competing for scarce resources). It's a bit like having a partner in the army and then complaining they don't come home every night.

Sockpuppeting?

You can't be fucking serious?

Wombat
I'm also surprised how a couple of posters on the same thread can come across as utterly spiteful as each other

Wow. What sheltered lives some people lead.

I am also going to report this thread, in order to ensure thst such outrageous accusations are withdrawn/deleted.

he is the only one which has stuck around - other father is not in the picture.

But he exists. And he has a legal, and arguably greater moral responsibility that the OPs DH to support his own biological DC.

Why should the OPs DC miss out on time with their dad because someone else's dad is a deadbeat?

OPs DC is gaining - extra siblings.

What is the harm in spending time with both his child and the step child together? There's no indication that the new baby will spend less time with him because of the step-child, he sees the step child along with his own child. He sounds like a thoroughly decent bloke to me.

Do you think that's true, though, mehitabel?

In the OPs case, the distances involved preclude a close, sibling relationship, the age gap (at least 7 years by my calculations if not more) will further distance them, and when the oldest DC is an adult, is he going to prioritise his relationship with his former stepdads teenage DCs?

I'm struggling to see that the benefits of an "extra sibling" outweigh the benefits of having dad around as often as he can be.

samaritan the OPs pregnancy will require a review of circumstances. My point is that when those considerations are taking place, the OPsDP should prioritise his bio-DCs ahead of any others.
It may be, for instance, that the OPsDP would consider travelling for more periods of contact in his own home if it was just one DC, not both.

He is going to see his biological child, who is a sibling of OP's child so I can't see how not seeing the step child makes any difference in time.
If OP made a relationship with all of them life would be simpler.

You said you're not a SM pretty, am I remembering correctly? Perhaps if you were, you understand that having extra siblings around be can be a positive thing. There are so many stories on here of blended families where things are fraught but it really isn't like that for everyone. There can be lots of blessings from having more people around, and great connections made. My dd's life is certainly much richer for the people in our blended family who she isn't related to by blood.

Why are both the older DCs being treated as single unit?

Surely all DCs should have one-to-one time with their parents? Is it reasonable to assume that the OPs DH will continue to only see his older bioDC in the company of his non-bioDC as they grow up, change schools, develop hobbies, and their needs adapt? Or, should both the bio and non-bio DC have one-to-one time with their dad? And should the time spent with the nonbio Dzc be at the expense of the OPs DC?

Personally, I think it's unfair on the older bioDC that he never gets one-to-one time with his dad and has to share it all with his older half-sib. It's not the bioDCs fault that his half sibs dad isn't around.

Now the OP is pregnant, the halfsibs who share a dad will have equal priority over their dads time - if it's convenient and appropriate to include the older, former step-DC, then fine, but that relationship should not, IMO, be given equal priority.

goodtimes I'm no longer a stepmum, I have been, in the past, though.

You refer to the benefits of siblings being around, and blended families - yet, in this case, the DCs live hundreds of miles apart. How realistic is blending, and connections, with siblings (blood or otherwise) who are seen for a few hours at a time?

Ah I see, so no longer with your dsc's Dad and therefore no longer in contact with them?

As for making connections and blending I think it's very realistic. That's how relationships grow. A bit at a time. It won't be a few hours at a time though will it, if they spend holidays and alternate weekends with their Dad?

Only on MN would a child's father's former stepchild benefit and "enrich" that child's life.

So what if she's not still in contact with them.

No, it happens in real life too Mascara. Anyone can enhance and enrich anyone's life, happens all the time. Stepchildren aren't a species that are unable to do that.

And I'm only asking Pretty as I'm trying to understand where she is coming from as I was thinking she might not get it if she'd never had a stepchild around. She has though so she's in a similar position as the dp in this scenario. Except she seems to feel the complete opposite to him. And that's fine if she feels like that. Just as it's fine for him to continue to have contact with his stepchild.

Ah I see, so no longer with your dsc's Dad and therefore no longer in contact with them?

No, still with DH, just no longer a stepmum to his DCs. Their choice, not mine, btw.

It won't be a few hours at a time though will it, if they spend holidays and alternate weekends with their Dad?

But which is it? Will the OPs DH continue to see his NR DC along with his former stepDC in the house he rents near the DCs home, or will the arrangements have to change?

No, still with DH, just no longer a stepmum to his DC's. Their choice, not mine, btw

Can you tell us why they've chosen no longer to class you as a stepmum?
In all honesty, based on the appalling comments you've made throughout this thread, I'm wondering if you were horrible to them made your dsd's feel unwelcome in your life.

What "appalling comments", disco? Granted, I don't agree with the majority, but I've not been cruel or unpleasant - my suggestion that one child is a lower priority than others is not abuse; if it were, parents up and down the country would be prosecuted daily!

As for my DHs DCs - I have no idea why they have made the decisions they have, they haven't chosen to tell me. The important thing for me is that Social Services confirmed that they have no concerns about DHs care of his DCs, and the most recent CAFCASS report dismissed allegations made about me by their mum in court.