I feel nothing for them

[SarahM333]

Hi everyone

I'm 10 weeks pregnant with my first child. My OH has a son from a previous relationship, and sees him every second weekend. His ex (and therefore his child) live 5 hours from us, therefore he has to keep a rented house up there, so that he has somewhere to take his son to stay when he's there. He gets him for longer in the holidays etc.
When he takes his son, he also takes another of his ex's children (she has 5, she youngest is his and he takes the second youngest as well. All the rest of her children are late teens early twenties, meaning that when he has the kids she is "free").
My problem is that I feel nothing for his child, and even less for the one who isn't biologically his. Our baby is due in May, and we will move in together after Christmas. If I'm honest, I don't want his other child and the one that isn't his in the house. I think I'll also start to resent the money that he spends to keep a house up there, which only gets used about 4 nights a month but can't see another option.
Does anyone have any ideas as to how I can become more accepting?

I have many issues with the mother being "free" because she becomes uncontactable, doesn't show up on time for the kids etc.

why should she be contactable? the children are with their father, their other parent, where they are (hopefully) safe. Why would she need to be contacted? In the event of the unforseen, a message can be left on her mobile and/or house phone and/or with friends and/or on Facebook etc. etc. Presumably, as a parent, your partner is capable to dealing with whatever issues might present themselves when he is with his children? She will need to deal with the issue if she doesn't respond to urgent messages (and accept the consequences of that, if necessary) but as someone who values her time away from her children, I can honestly say that in nearly 7 years, there has never been a reason for my ex to need to speak to me during his contact time.

If she is not turning up after contact, what time frames are we talking about? 10 minutes, 1 hour, 10 hours? If it's game playing and being difficult for the sake of it, often just ignoring it and saying nothing will change the behaviour (although possibly to something even worse) because it's not having the desired affect (which is upsetting the ex).

Of her five children, all of whom have different Dads (I'm not judging her for this), he is the only one which has stuck around

if you're not judging her, why mention it? why is it important that we know that? your partner, after all, considered her a reasonable person to be having children with so if you want to judge her, judge him as well!

Out of interest, who moved? Your partner or the ex?

I am a little troubled by the idea that some people are suggesting that your partner should be encouraged to use a hotel rather than keep a home. Much of it will, of course, depend on affordability and his contribution to your household, but having a home for the children is very different to seeing them in a hotel.

Presumably, as a parent, your partner is capable to dealing with whatever issues might present themselves when he is with his children?

As the OPs DP doesn't actually have parental responsibility for one of the DCs in his care, there is a good reason for the mother not to go off-grid for the weekend. If they were both his DCs, I agree, he should have sole and equal responsibility - but no matter how much he views his older stepDC as his own, that is not the case, and as the DC gets older, that distinction will be more apparent to everyone involved.

Honestly I think you're crazy to have got pregnant with this guy while you feel like this! But then maybe it was an accident or very special circumstances so I am trying not to judge.

Have you met the children, and if so how much time have you spent with them?

It is hard not to feel resentful sometimes, my advice is to really be strict in telling yourself that it is OK to have these feelings but not to act on them, and to fake it til you make it in terms of the front you present to the children. Force yourself to spend time with them, find their good points, praise them, play with them. I have found that the more I put in, the more I get out. If you detatch completely at this stage, your feelings will only get worse, not better.

If I'm honest, I don't want his other child and the one that isn't his in the house

Wtf? You might aswell describe these children as a couple of stray disease ridden dogs! They are small innocent children ffs and a huge part of your partners life.
It's absolutely the wrong thing to do for your partner to move in as you are obviously very resentful, and I imagine that when your baby is born you will be even worse. I bet you resent him paying child support also.

I feel a bit like I've opened a can of worms here. I can understand different points of view but was only after a bit of advice about how to deal with the situation better. Thanks for all the posts offering advice.

Firstly, I think a hotel (Travel Lodge etc) rather than maintaining a house would be more sensible. Secondly, if he raised his DSS, then it's understandable that he wants to spend time with him as well.....or it could just be that he finds it easier to look after his DS if there is a ready made playmate for him! The way you feel about both of these children is probably because you don't know them, but possibly you will never have a close bond/affinity with them...it doesn't always naturally follow!
But, you're having his child, you're intending to set up a future together, and his own DS, at least, will always be in the picture, so you're going to have to manage it somehow...and it's never easy, as any SM on here will testify!
I would definitely hold off moving in with him until a better system of visiting his DS can be organised! But in the meantime I would urge you to be as honest as you can with him, about your expectations of the relationship! Maybe don't tell him that you have no feelings for his DS, but make sure you're both on the same page, are both considering the others feelings, needs and and difficulties with the situation, but most importantly...ensure you jointly agree and implement any future arrangements or decisions concerning how you live, and how seeing his DS will be managed!
I really wish you good luck!

Why is a hotel more sensible? A hotel is completely different than a home. You can't cook in a hotel, put up pictures, leave your things there, get the same room each time, relax in the same way.

The dad lives five hours away and has found a way to have meaningful contact with his children without them spending all their time on a motorway. Why should that have to be changed because someone new comes along and doesn't like it.

I'm struggling with the fact that the OPs DP seems to be putting the needs of his non-biological former DSS ahead of the child he has conceived with the OP.
While it is admirable that he has continued to maintain a relationship with his ex's older DC, he now has a legal and arguably stronger moral responsibility towards his biological DC. Yes, of course, he should have considered the full implications of conceiving with the OP before doing so, but now it has happened, the current arrangements MUST be reconsidered in light of his new responsibilities.

A rental house is a luxury he may no longer be able to afford - a formal contact arrangement taking into account the distance and cost of travel is necessary to ensure that the OPs new baby isn't receiving "whatever is left" in time and money after the OPs DP has given to his former family.

The issue for me would be that you will be left alone with a new baby every 2nd weekend. Do you go with him at the weekend now? It's hard to build up a relationship with them if you're not spending time together.

Sarah, it's really good that you recognise the importance of changing the way you feel about his LOs (I use the plural because he obviously feels the second youngest is part of his family too).

What if you went up with DP and stayed in the rented house with him and his DCs when he has visitation? Plan to go out on your own once or twice so they have 1-1 time, but you'd be there in the evenings and could start getting to know the children.

I think if you approach this with an open mind and the willingness to like the kids, that will go a long way. Love may or may not grow, but a good strong like is plenty to be going on with.

(I've been a SM for 10 years. My SD is lovely, and I'm happy she's part of our lives)

Once again, the core of the problem is that you have taken this relationship much too quickly. You are about to have a child with a man who wasn't totally free to start with, before you even got to share your life with him. You built a level of resentment but one that you thought didn't matter because it wasn't impacting on you directly. Now that you want to move things forward and you are going to become part of the whole arrangement, the resentment is taking first place and ruling your heart and head.

The reality is that you should have taken much more time to get to know your OH and his children, and learning to adapt to a joint life before even considering bringing another child in it, but it is now done and you have no choice but to deal with it.

My advice is that however much you are looking at you moving in together from the perspective of how it impacts on you, you need to take into consideration how it is also going to impact on everyone else. You need to accept that however much you are probably still fantasizing that your OH has no ties outside of you, the reality is that he does, and that comes with serious restrictions.

I have seen so many couple like yours collapsing because there is too much expectation of change too quickly. There is not enough compromise, too much looking at the situation from one's perspective rather than the other. I think you need to be realistic as to what changes you can expect your OH to make in the short run.

Unfortunately, you will indeed hear it over and over, that you knew what his situation was when you decided to share your life with him, and however frustrating it is because you can't change things, it will always be there to restrict the ideal life you wish you could build with him.

Patience is the essence of making it work.

PrettyBright I was thinking exactly the same thing regarding the baby and how he/she should be a bigger priority than the Op's DP's ex's child.
The baby shouldn't have to compromise for the next X amount of years because in favour of this child. The baby isn't even related to the child! He's not even a stepsibling, he's just a random child to the baby as he/she grows up.
And then what if they move in together? The baby can't have his/her own room because his/her dad chooses to maintain a contact arrangement with a child that's isn't even his? Less money is spent on the baby because the dad says he'll buy this child some new clothes? Less quality time with dad because there's a child there every weekend that needn't be there?

I can see why the opioids be resentful of that!

Oops! last sentence should say...

I can see why the Op would be resentful of that!

It's not a 'random child'! It's a child who has a family bond with the partner which the partner is working to maintain. Why shouldn't that keep happening? I would question what kind of person just drops a child who has a secure attachment to them on the grounds of money only being for 'blood' children. He sounds like a man who is caring and working hard to maintain some stability in the lives of his 'children'. What's important is beginning to bring everyone together more, not maintain two completely separate families.

Mascara

The way you have described this other child, as if he/she's of no importance is extremely nasty.
So what if this child isn't blood related to the Op's partner? Wtf does that matter?

Op's partner has chosen to stay in contact with this child because he obviously CARES about them! And this child was in his life long before the Op besides!

Why should the new baby have priority over these two other children? They should all have EQUAL priority in this man's life! Yes, even the one whose in your words ' not even a step sibling'

This child is also not a 'random child', he's part of her partners family!

I think you're cruel to obviously expect this child to now be cast aside because he's not 'related'

trudging As a mother, I'd be very cautious about allowing my DC to develop a sibling-bond with a child who, at any point, could be removed from the family with absolutely no recourse by the adults.

What if this DCs father becomes a part of his life? Or the mother decides she wants her DC with her at the weekends? Neither the OP or her DP could do anything about it. The child would suddenly disappear.

Families who welcome unrelated DCs into their lives are to be applauded - but the DCs, and the adults, must have support and an understanding of the emotional and financial sacrifices involved.

So just incase the childs mum decides to stop contact with the Op's partner, you think it's best to not have the children form a bond?

The childs mum seems to be putting her child first by allowing the Op's partner to continue a relationship with this child. You shouldn't assume that she will eventually stop this contact, why would she when it's obvious that her ex treats her child as part of his family?

I too am shocked reading that someone could say that this child doesn't matter. They are a child with feelings, a child who didn't ask to form an attachment to a father figure that would leave them heartbroken if severed.

The fact they are not blood related doesn't make a bit of a difference in relation to the impact of cutting or even reducing contact. There reach a point when you love a child/parent dearly where blood becomes totally irrelevant.

It just amazes me how self-centered some people are and only consider their own needs and desires, relying on excuses to justify it regardless of the impact this has on innocent parties.

The childs mum seems to be putting her child first by allowing the Op's partner to continue a relationship with this child.

That's one way of interpreting her behaviour. There are other, equally likely explanations.

And, the child has a father as well.

The OPs DP has chosen to move on and have a child with the OP - which means the way he meets his existing responsibilities has to be reviewed and changed. His biological children take legal precedence. It stands to reason that if he's choosing to spend money and time on maintaining his relationship with his unrelated child, there is less to share with his biological DCs. That doesn't sit comfortably with me.

The answer is - fake it til you make it. That means, spend time with his children (both of them - the step child sees him as dad) and get to know them as individuals. Over time you will build a relationship with them. You won't be able to travel about much whilst you have a newborn, but whilst you are pregnant and after a few months you'll be able to be more involved with his children. It will be nice for you to see how caring he is as a dad and know he'll be the same to your little one.

Hats off to a man who maintains contact with his child and another he took on as his own. So many men let the obstacles that get in his way stop contact. You need to support him in this. It's not like you know them very well so it's understandable you have very little feelings for them. Just pretend until it comes naturally....and it will!

The OPs DP has chosen to move on and have a child with the OP - which means the way he meets his existing responsibilities has to be reviewed and changed. His biological children take legal precedence. It stands to reason that if he's choosing to spend money and time on maintaining his relationship with his unrelated child, there is less to share with his biological DCs. That doesn't sit comfortably with me.

As much as assumptions have been made about the intention of the mother, this is also based on assumption. Who says that OP didn't get pregnant by accident? Either way, getting pregnant before even living together was not the best way to go about moving forward.

I also don't see what legal precedence has got to do with it. This is about emotional responsibility. The child could very well have been his biologically too, in which case, the new child would have had to do with less too. It's irrelevant which sperm the child's come from, OP's partner has accepted his role into her life because he wants to.

Well I think it's actually very important "which sperm the child came from" when the dad has a legal and moral obligation to his children and to make them a priority in his life. He may have known the other child longer than he's known the baby, but in my eyes the baby should be way up there in his list of priorities.

What about if you look at it as an 'informal adoption'? In fact what about all those children out there who are adopted/fostered? Do they not count as 'real' children? OP should be happy that her partner is obviously loving, caring and able to make a lasting commitment.

Vile just that. Poor children.

he's just a random child

Wow. Just wow.

the baby should be way up there in his list of priorities

The baby isn't born yet. The OP hasn't made any suggestion that her partner isn't making the baby a priority. She has expressed concerns about her own feelings towards her partners existing child and the child he appears to have taken on as her own. It is about her emotions and her reactions which she has recognised as probably being unfair or unreasonable. It is perfectly possible for a father to love all of his children equally - but in loving his children equally, sometimes that means sacrifice and understanding in his main household to be able to maintain his relationship with the other. There is a huge geographical distance for him to overcome in just seeing his existing children and the OP is going to have to understand and cope with that. Or perhaps it would be reasonable for him to not see his other children for as long as it take for the baby to be grown up (18 years?)