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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I feel nothing for them

319 replies

SarahM333 · 28/10/2015 10:55

Hi everyone

I'm 10 weeks pregnant with my first child. My OH has a son from a previous relationship, and sees him every second weekend. His ex (and therefore his child) live 5 hours from us, therefore he has to keep a rented house up there, so that he has somewhere to take his son to stay when he's there. He gets him for longer in the holidays etc.
When he takes his son, he also takes another of his ex's children (she has 5, she youngest is his and he takes the second youngest as well. All the rest of her children are late teens early twenties, meaning that when he has the kids she is "free").
My problem is that I feel nothing for his child, and even less for the one who isn't biologically his. Our baby is due in May, and we will move in together after Christmas. If I'm honest, I don't want his other child and the one that isn't his in the house. I think I'll also start to resent the money that he spends to keep a house up there, which only gets used about 4 nights a month but can't see another option.
Does anyone have any ideas as to how I can become more accepting?

OP posts:
Oswin · 29/10/2015 15:31

The point of the thread is she doesn't want the bio kid in HER house. Why the focus to om the non bio child. It would still be the same bloody distance to travel. Fucking hell.

Keeptrudging · 29/10/2015 15:35

If/when the OP's relationship goes to ratshit (which it might, since they don't appear to have compatible basic values), is she going to suck it up when potential new partners say 'sorry love, you're welcome in my house, but leave your kid at home, it's not mine'?

To the posters who are so against 'other' children, I sincerely hope you are in life - long, secure marriages with views like that, god forbid you would ever be stepmothers, or split up and see your own child rejected by their Dad's new partner.

Mehitabel6 · 29/10/2015 15:37

That is not what OP said, Mascara - she is quite specific that she doesn't want 'his other child' - the half sibling in the house.

MascaraAndConverse · 29/10/2015 15:40

She said both.

The half sibling should be included in the family and the dad has a legal and moral obligation towards that child. I've never once questioned that.

I've been talking about the former stepchild.

Mehitabel6 · 29/10/2015 15:44

So you take on a step child - love them and develop a relationship and then say 'sorry- I didn't really love you, you are not my legal and moral responsibility and I won't be seeing you any more? Hmm
And someone who could do this to a child would be one that you wanted to spend your life with and have a child? I wouldn't have anything to do with him.

Mehitabel6 · 29/10/2015 15:46

And the poor half sibling is tolerated because of 'a legal and moral responsibility' and expected not to know this?

Mehitabel6 · 29/10/2015 15:47

How much time has OP post actually spent alone with her step child, getting to know them?

PrettyBrightFireflies · 29/10/2015 15:51

I can't see any way other than 'sorry' I have a new wife and baby and they come first'.
The non biological ones get it even worse 'sorry- you are not mine- goodbye'.

The alternative is to say to the OP and her future DC 'sorry, I've got a family hundreds of miles away and I'm not changing my commitment to them so you only get what's left of my money and time.'

By choosing to have another baby, the OPs DP has added to his commitments. He can no longer prioritise his "first family" ahead of the OP without also disadvantaging their DC.
So, things have to change in order to accommodate his choice. And when those decisions are being made, my opinion is that his biological DCs should take precedence over his stepDC.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/10/2015 16:01

Mehitabel - I agree that it would be wrong for the zoP's dp to dump the stepchild, just because he's not with the child's mum any more.

He was part of a blended family, and it appears he has built a relationship with his little stepchild - I think this is a good thing - and now he is being a decent human being by not just dumping the child.

If a child builds a relationship with an adult, and then basically gets dumped when the relationship with the child's parent breaks down, that child is going to feel hurt and rejected - they aren't going to understand what's happened -and who would want an adult to hurt a child like that?

Like I said earlier, I think this man's attitude towards his former stepchild shows what a good person he is - I can't understand and why anyone would want to make a family with someone who could reject and hurt a child, or why anyone would think that showing care towards a child, even after your relationship with their parent has ended, is a bad thing.

MascaraAndConverse · 29/10/2015 16:09

And what if that child has a relationship with their mum and dad? Would it really be so wrong for the former stepparent to not maintain a relationship? Confused

DiscoDiva70 · 29/10/2015 16:15

Mascara
I responded to your posts at 15:13 but for some reason it didn't post.

I'm not being overdramatic at all, I just can't abide people who make cruel comments!

You've not told us how this man should exit this childs life, do you not think this child would be heartbroken if he was now excluded?

I'm not ashamed of my opinion
Well you fucking should be.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 29/10/2015 16:20

If a child builds a relationship with an adult, and then basically gets dumped when the relationship with the child's parent breaks down, that child is going to feel hurt and rejected - they aren't going to understand what's happened -and who would want an adult to hurt a child like that?

A lot of parents inflict that pain on their DCs; when they split with partners, or go no-contact with extended family members.
The adults make decisions based on the needs of everyone involved, not just the needs of one DC.

If the OPs DPs relationship with his stepDC must be protected at all costs, then that implies that the OPs DC is automatically a lower priority.

DiscoDiva70 · 29/10/2015 16:27

So if Op's partner takes on another man's child and treats that child as his own then that is detrimental to any future biological children this man may have?

Stop talking so Fucking stupid so silly.

Petal02 · 29/10/2015 16:28

I can understand why the OP is feeling nervous about this – if you’re a part-time step mum, having your DP’s child to stay EOW can bring enough challenges, but when you have to factor in a child that isn’t biologically the DP’s, well that’s just an extra layer of complications. I can totally understand why the DP may have established a close bond with one of his ex’s children, and I’m not suggesting he ceases the relationship, but surely the ex’s child shouldn’t have to factored into all other relationships/households the DP may subsequently form?

In theory, this could mean that every child of all the DP’s previous partners has to be made allowances for in the OP’s house/life – can you imagine how ridiculous that would get? A bedroom for each of them?? You’d need a hotel. If there weren’t such long distances involved, I would suggest the DP could maintain contact with the non-bio child without overnight stays.

It’s all a bit too complicated.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 29/10/2015 16:36

So if Op's partner takes on another man's child and treats that child as his own then that is detrimental to any future biological children this man may have?

Not necessarily. It is likely to be detrimental to a DC living several hundred miles away, though!

If the distances were a few miles, there wouldn't be an issue - and the OP probably wouldn't feel so detached from the DCs. At the moment, the DCs are part of her DPs life that she doesn't feature in, and it's a reasonable fear to have that her DC will be excluded as well.

DiscoDiva70 · 29/10/2015 16:36

It's all a bit too complicated
Why is it? Op's partner obviously doesn't think so!

Petal02 · 29/10/2015 16:40

If the OP’s DP’s relationship with his step child must be protected at all costs, then that implies that the OP’s DC is automatically a lower priority.

Yes – if he insists on maintaining the status quo then he is, by default, prioritising his ex’s child over his bio child with the DP. He’s spread himself rather too thinly.

DiscoDiva70 · 29/10/2015 17:00

How is he prioritsing his step child over Op's unborn child? Even when it's born for that matter?

He clearly looks on his step child as his own, why can't you see this? And why shouldn't he take on this child and continue to act as a father figure just because they don't share the same blood?

MascaraAndConverse · 29/10/2015 17:03

I'm not ashamed of my opinion
Well you fucking should be.

Well I'm not so there you go.

Petal02 · 29/10/2015 17:06

discodiva but if taking on this child and acting as a father means he's not going to be around much for his bio child, then surely he's got his priorities wrong? I'm not saying he should dispense with his step child, but if it's going to stop him being a proper dad to his bio child, then he needs to review the situation.

DiscoDiva70 · 29/10/2015 17:17

Petal
The Op has written that her partner is moving in with her after Christmas.
So therefore he will be living with their new baby won't he!

How can he then be prioritising his step child over the new baby? Especially when he will only see his step child when he visits his other biological child.

Do you still believe that new baby is low on the list of priorities?

DiscoDiva70 · 29/10/2015 17:23

Mascara
In response to your last post.

Are you really as cold and heartless as you sound?

MascaraAndConverse · 29/10/2015 17:25

No not at all.
I didn't realise thinking a parent should be putting their children first over their former stepchildren is cold and heartless. If it is then whatever, I'm a cold heartless cow.

DiscoDiva70 · 29/10/2015 17:40

But he'll be living with the new baby! Have you not read the original post properly?

He will also continue to visit two more children who are both a massive part of his life. Just because one of them isn't his biologically, what does that matter?

You still haven't answered my question as to how you expect this man to exit this childs life. Is it because you can't answer it as you know you'll sound even more heartless?

I really don't know how someone could be so despicable towards a child, and act as if Op's partner should just cast the child aside.

swingofthings · 29/10/2015 17:44

Don't forget that this "wonderful man" has decided to have a baby with the OP, who lives hundreds of miles away from his "first" family. It's inevitable that one or other of his DCs will be disadvantaged as a result. I'm not convinced he's so marvellous, myqself.

And I struggle to believe that he has actually plan this baby with OP. How could the conversation realistically go? OP saying 'I know we've only be together for a short time, don't live together, there is the issue of you travelling to see your children but I do think now is the time for me to stop the pill and have a baby together' and he said 'yes, that's fab idea!!

Or even if he was so madly in love his common sense was seriously affected and said 'darling, I love you so much, I can't wait to have a child together, stuff all the issues, I don't care, let's do it', why oh why would OP have said 'yeah, you're right, let's do it, I'll consider whether I can stand your other children when I'm pregnant'.

I don't think so!

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