I feel nothing for them

[SarahM333]

Hi everyone

I'm 10 weeks pregnant with my first child. My OH has a son from a previous relationship, and sees him every second weekend. His ex (and therefore his child) live 5 hours from us, therefore he has to keep a rented house up there, so that he has somewhere to take his son to stay when he's there. He gets him for longer in the holidays etc.
When he takes his son, he also takes another of his ex's children (she has 5, she youngest is his and he takes the second youngest as well. All the rest of her children are late teens early twenties, meaning that when he has the kids she is "free").
My problem is that I feel nothing for his child, and even less for the one who isn't biologically his. Our baby is due in May, and we will move in together after Christmas. If I'm honest, I don't want his other child and the one that isn't his in the house. I think I'll also start to resent the money that he spends to keep a house up there, which only gets used about 4 nights a month but can't see another option.
Does anyone have any ideas as to how I can become more accepting?

If I split with my DH I would expect him to have regular contact with our children. We have been one family. Any problems we had would be ours and nothing to do with the children. I would expect him to have contact with all 3 and not suddenly turn around and tell one of them that he was excluded because he wasn't biologically his. It astounds me that adults can be so cruel.

The assumption is being made is that the status quo will continue, after the OPsDP moves in with her and the baby is born.
Yet, she says very clearly in her OP that it won't. That the DCs will begin to visit the shared family home.

So things will change, and decisions have to be made.

Am I really a cold hearted bitch for saying that when those decisions are made, the biological DCs should be given greater priority in cinsideration sand arrangements than the non-biological DC? Of course, in an ideal world, all the DCs would have the optimum. But that's not possible, and I do not agree that all the DCs should be given equal consideration. The stepDC has parents whose job it is to prioritise him.

There are any number of options open to the Dad. It's quite possible he could consider a shared care arrangement for his older DC - not unheard of over long distances if it is split across weekends and school holidays - but should he include his former stepchild in that? Or, is shared parenting not an option because he CAN'T offer it to his stepDC, so his biological DC misses out?

He has made the decision to have another baby - all be it an unplanned pregnancy. No matter how thoughtful and considerate he has been up to this point, the OPs pregnancy changes things for his existing DCs, biological and otherwise.

It astounds me that adults can be so cruel.

If you've been a member of MN for a while, you'll know that parents make choices to remove adults from their DCs lives every day. Are you equally astounded at those posts?

Yes he will be living with the baby I know that. I haven't disputed that. But it is when they move in together that the problems will start, as the former stepson will be using up resources/money and taking up space in the OP's household, and therefore less for the other children when it can be avoided. I realise that might sound terrible, but I'm just saying it as it is and for me there is no positive to it whatsoever. The op will be subsidising this arrangement as well. I asked the OP at the very beginning if it absolutely necessary that she does move in with him. He won't have his rented property for much longer and the op needs to seriously think about what she's getting herself in to as like I said up thread it won't end well if she feels like this. She can't force her dh to stop seeing his former stepson. She needs to accept both children if they move in together, especially his son.

But she can avoid it all completely just by not moving in with him and claiming child support for her child.

Even I he was a cunt and dropped the stepchild he still has his bio child who the op doesn't want in her house.
Fucking disgusting.

I am constantly astounded.
What does the man say to the child?
Sorry- it has been nice knowing you but now I am having a new child and my wife wants nothing to do with you. She wants a nice little family and to airbrush out the inconvenient. She feels nothing for you and that is that!

If you've been a member of MN for a while, you'll know that parents make choices to remove adults from their Dc's lives everyday. Are you equally astounded at those posts?

What an idiotic comment! People remove adults from their dcs lives for a number of reasons, mostly because of abuse I would say. But this is a completely different situation! you're talking about removing an innocent child from the life of the man he most likely considers 'dad'
How the fuck can you compare these scenarios?

Mascara, the Op knew thar her partner cared for two children when she met him, bit late for her to not want to accept this now!

Well she knows what she needs to do, and that's to not move in with him!

Well if she has the same attitude,as you and pretty ( and it seems that she does) then I hope they don't move in together.

Me too or she'll regret it.

She will not be happy moving in.
If you want a nuclear little family then don't have a child with a man who already has a child and has deep relationships with step children.

Where are the extended family in all this? What about ILs - surely they have had years of caring for the past family. What about OPs family - are they going to completely ignore their grandchild's older brother?
I can't see why OP rushed into marriage and pregnancy without factoring in everyone else. I should slow down now and work out how to blend the family to be supportive of all.

I think posters are being harsh on OP one side or the other. I personally think that getting pregnant at this stage was a very poor idea, but I don't get from her first post the same hostility others do.

Yes, she says that she doesn't want the children in her house, which I do find odd, but she says that although she thinks she will resent her OH for keeping the property near his kids, she says she doesn't see another choice and also ask advice about accepting the situation.

As per most posts on page 1, it will all become more real when she starts to see the kids and build a relationship with them. I also hope that becoming a mum herself will make her understand and respect the attachment her OH has for both those kids.

It's probably all too new for OP but that doesn't mean she can't adapt and make it work. I wish her all the luck.

There are so many posts to reply to. Thank you for this, and I really didn't mean to cause people to call each other vile based on their opinions.
Oswin, I am not "fucking disgusting ". I am inexperienced and have admitted that I'm being unreasonable. I also said that I agreed with those that suggested I try spending more time with the child or children.
I've actually been surprised at how hurtful some comments are. I thought this was a friendly forum to get advice, share tips etc
I'm pregnant for the first time feeling pretty lost and confused. No one deals with things in a perfect way all the time.
This was my first post on this site and it will be my last. Thanks to those who were non judgemental and offered support and advice.

Probably it will all work out when OP realises that her child will enjoy a close relationship with their older sibling.

Op I wasn't actually refering to you I was on about the posters who expect your dp to drop his stepchild.
As to your comments, it might help to imagine if you split up with dp and you found out his new partner had said she didn't want them in her house.
I'm guessing you would be angry and upset?

Op, you've found some of the comments hurtful, but in all honesty how did you expect people to respond when you wrote that you didn't want your partners child (children) in your house?

Although, like Oswin, my posts we're mainly directed at Mascara and pretty because of their constant nastiness aimed at innocent children.

disco you've led an incredibly sheltered life if you consider my opinion about prioritising biological DCs as "nastiness".

I think the OPs DP has made a huge error of judgement, and in putting it right, he has to choose which DC is disadvantaged. My view is that it should be the non-biological child.

Why is it any less "nasty" to suggest it is the OPs DC who misses out?

Pretty
You really don't get it do you?

Why should the Op's partner be prioritising ANY of the children?
I'll say it again and hope the penny finally fucking drops, the partner has CHOSEN to play a continuing active role in his stepchilds life, obviously because he has built a relationship with this child and must care for this child.
Why will the new baby be disadvantaged because of this child?

Ps. Try and give a credible reason why Op's baby will be disadvantaged no twattish comments about the extra cost of train tickets for example

If it's five hours round trip they should just come to the house.

OP, sometimes MN is friendly and sometimes it ain't :) Not wanting them in the house is an extreme reaction and people are reacting to that. Just take it on the chin and keep talking if you want to.

Mascara...words actually fail me. That's rare!

If anyone is going to be 'disadvantaged' in this situation, it will be the OP's dp's child and stepchild from the previous relationship. The OP's baby will have his or her dad living with him/her, whereas the other children's dad/stepdad will be living 5 hours away from him, and will certainly not be seeing him anywhere near as often, or for as long, as the OP's baby.

The older child and step child cannot be edited out of this man's life, and having fathered one and built a relationship with both, he has a responsibility to them. If he is decent (and it sounds from the op that he is) he will do his best to fulfill his responsibilities to all his children.

Who would want to have a child with a man who could happily reject his children/step children from a previous relationship?

I've read Mascara's and Pretty's posts with my jaw on my chest. Good to see so many posters speaking up for the poor stepchild.

My father left my mum pretty much as soon as I was born. I barely knew him growing up: he never visited, never sent birthday cards, never paid child support. My mum worked overtime trying to keep him alive for us, telling us about him, trying to cajole him into visiting, insisting that his new wife's black eyes couldn't possibly mean he was still the violent alcoholic he'd always been, oh no.

I also had a stepfather for a few years. Sadly, also violent and adulterous and unreliable, but I loved him. He was the nearest thing I had to a dad growing up. When he left, he only moved a short walk away, but I almost never saw him again - once or twice in the supermarket. Everyone around me accepted this - after all, he wasn't my dad. There were no attempts to keep in touch with him, nobody suggested he should be having any kind of contact with us.

As a child I found this odd, and I still do. I judge both men equally: my dad was a prize shit, for sure, but my stepfather chose to live with a child and make her love and need him - and then walked away without a backward glance. Hell, I judge that - and everybody who thinks that it's acceptable to dump a child because they lack a blood bond.

This very long thread, is a prime example of why you should really get to know your partner, his life and his commitments to other people...before you consider having a child with him!!

Your dp sounds fine. He is looking out for his dc and his dsc, chances are he would look out for your dc too.
Don't try to change him, he has it right.
Spend time with them, trust your dp, he loves them, I'm sure you could too.