starting to struggle

[sm2bnorwich]

Hi all, I'm new to all this but thought there might be someone who can reassure me or provide advice as I feel I have nobody I can talk to and nobody understands.
My OH has 3 kids with his ex and we have been together for 4 1/2 years. Generally the kids are fine and have come to accept me. They don't live with us but they stay 2 nights/ days a week and have their own room and an abundance of toys/clothes here. We have scrimped and saved and finally managed to get on the property ladder but now with a mortgage to pay were finding it harder to make ends meet and go on constant days out. Now OH gives his ex £50 a week for child maintenance (An agreement not statutory) and she also gets paid child tax credits and child disability allowance as 2 of them have T1 diabetes. She's forever having her hair done / nails done, goes out every other night, and very recently bought a new car (not cheap) now I know it's none of my business what she does but I can't help but feel this isn't fair as we provide for those kids when they're with us and buy them new shoes toys and clothes when she lets them run around in embarrassingly worn out shoes until we end up buying new ones. I'm also struggling to find enough cash to replace my old banger for something I can cart the kids round in when needed. Are we not eligable for any of the credits she gets or reduced payments every week. I'm finding it really hard to accept as she takes everything for granted and knows she doesn't have to work and asks more and more of us all the time and through the summer we have ended up having the kids here more often than not so she can go out with her new bf even though we both work full time and me on shift. It's very hard to spend any time with my OH as a couple as every time I'm not at work the kids are here. Please help I'm very tearful and need a shoulder as nobody else understands :(

Sm2b you have my sympathy. I often wonder how dps ex can afford everything she does but at the end of the day you have your home and as long as hourly your best to provide then no one will take that away from you.

Check out the cms calculator as previously suggested and look intodojng free days out here and there. It doesn't have to be weekly. Go for bike rides, to a park, long walks (kids on scooters etc) have a family fun night with games/ Xbox competitions or whatever.

If dp wants to pay less he needs to check out the calculator. My dp pays £100 a month to his ex for the kids. we have them 50/50 and she claims all benefits. If she wants to be forever spending a fortune then let her. Try to detach from that side of things. There are bigger battles to be fought.

And tell your dp how you feel. He is probablyfeeling the same. But you can get thru together. Xx

RP would presumably get more sympathy because if the NRP has a better lifestyle than her that means he also has a better lifestyle than his children.

Yes, there does seem to be a pattern with some of these threads. The resident parent - the mother - usually seems to spend a lot of time getting her hair and nails done, and the SM mysteriously seems to know all about this.

My ExH's new wife and I, on the other hand, know pretty much fuck all about each other. (She seems nice, though.) (If she's reading this )

I don't think £200 a month is excessive for three children. You have to decide whether or not you continue this relationship. His children are there like it or not. So you have to either adjust your life accordingly or end the relationship.

Perhaps a memo to the mum setting out how often she may go to the hairdressers, splash £8 on a mani or socialise?

let the chips "I've never seen you post with any compassion"

Haven't you? Maybe do an advanced search? This is a very big site .

I'm breathing fine thanks.

Bringing up kids is bloody hard work, SM have kids too, not just RP's

Nobody said they didn't lets. What is your problem? You are being very goady.
That post was in reply to cheeky and you have taken out of context in your bid to have an argument. Jog on dear nobody is interested in your goady attitude.

The sorry, my phone is being glitch, I'm not use to using the non mobile sight and it keeps jumping. Not trying to be argumentative, just a different PoV.

Yes SM get it wrong however reducing payments to SDC because they have bought a house and are jealous of the ex is not a mistake they should not be making. If they are struggling financially surely their first thought should be how can WE cut back not "let's reduce what we pay for the children"

This I agree with, was going to put that before but clicked on an ad and got taken to a different page.

Think I'll wait till the new app is running

We know SM have children too. I have 2 DSC and 4 DC and it is hard work, nobody is dim enough to need it pointing out that SM have DC too.

The issue is not with the maintenance amount but the fact that BM seems to be spending the children benefits on herself rather that what it is intended for. DLA is for the children to help them towards their disability, is she spending it that way? I find it despicable how some parents are using their children's DLA to make their own life better and if I was these kids SM and as a tax payer I would be disgusted that she could send the kids in bad clothing and expect their father to pay for essentials.

OP remember this woman won't always have her kids to pay for her lifestyle.

the fact that BM seems to be spending the children benefits on herself

Mother. Not BM. Your sentence is also bollocks. Its neither a fact nor does the OP indicate the mother is spending the children's money on herself. Do you just make things up as you go along for entertainment?

^^ agree with SurlyCue

^ agree with them

OP I don't think £50 is a lot of money to contribute for 3 children each week - that's not enough to cover even lodging and food tbh. That she gets help from the government from tax credits isn't really the issue - your OH is the main provider and the mum is the main carer. However, I do know how hard it is to struggle, and to not have kids of your own but see a lot of your and your partners energy going into kids.

It will impact on your life and that is hard. I know. I'd say 70% of my OHs earnings go into maintenance and mortgage payments for his Ex and kids. We have our own child now and I have to count the pennies but have all the kids a lot. The Ex gets to take them on holidays and treat them and herself as she has no mortgage, lots of maintenance and plenty of government top ups.

If your OH isn't earning enough to cover this then look again, but I doubt it would be reduced by much? At least he doesn't have to pay her mortgage like my OH does! Maybe have the odd weekend where it is just you and your OH too - sounds like you are perhaps deflecting a bit of your feelings about how happy you are with your OH in your own relationship - onto how much the kids/Ex can drain you. Maybe you just need to reassert a bit of time together? And don't spend loads on the kids - they are always wearing out shoes I'm sure the mum isn't so wrapped up in herself as to neglect this all the time? Leave that to her she is the main carer.

It's not hard to work out that the ex spends money on hair and nails, you only have to look at them. Dp ex has dyed hair, hair extensions, often "can't gave dss today" as she's at the hairdresser, has half inch manicured nails and false eye lashes.
It doesn't take a detective to work this out, I can see it with my own eyes.
I'd quite like to know where you can get a manucure for £8 though, as a PP posted, nothing under £20 round here.

It's a good job the government is around to chip in really isn't it? seeing as a whole £50 a week to support three kids seems to be considered to be such a huge amount.

I'd quite like to know where you can get a manucure for £8

Further education college. £4.00 for manicure. They do a great job too.