starting to struggle

[sm2bnorwich]

Hi all, I'm new to all this but thought there might be someone who can reassure me or provide advice as I feel I have nobody I can talk to and nobody understands.
My OH has 3 kids with his ex and we have been together for 4 1/2 years. Generally the kids are fine and have come to accept me. They don't live with us but they stay 2 nights/ days a week and have their own room and an abundance of toys/clothes here. We have scrimped and saved and finally managed to get on the property ladder but now with a mortgage to pay were finding it harder to make ends meet and go on constant days out. Now OH gives his ex £50 a week for child maintenance (An agreement not statutory) and she also gets paid child tax credits and child disability allowance as 2 of them have T1 diabetes. She's forever having her hair done / nails done, goes out every other night, and very recently bought a new car (not cheap) now I know it's none of my business what she does but I can't help but feel this isn't fair as we provide for those kids when they're with us and buy them new shoes toys and clothes when she lets them run around in embarrassingly worn out shoes until we end up buying new ones. I'm also struggling to find enough cash to replace my old banger for something I can cart the kids round in when needed. Are we not eligable for any of the credits she gets or reduced payments every week. I'm finding it really hard to accept as she takes everything for granted and knows she doesn't have to work and asks more and more of us all the time and through the summer we have ended up having the kids here more often than not so she can go out with her new bf even though we both work full time and me on shift. It's very hard to spend any time with my OH as a couple as every time I'm not at work the kids are here. Please help I'm very tearful and need a shoulder as nobody else understands :(

You know i'll leave it because it's a different thread and as you say different circumstances but i disagree with you that it wasnt DSDs money. It was her father's turn to provide it in lieu of maintenance. That money was always to be coming out of your family's money this year, the fact DP stopped working and reduced the money available doesnt mean it isnt his bill to pay

No because we would be saying that is what CB and Tax credits should be for.

It actually doesn't matter what benefits the mum gets the father should be paying for his children and his DP shouldn't be looking to reduce that because they have bought a house they cannot afford.

Cheeky you keep saying (across this and other similar threads)

"I'll bet/i wonder (and variations of) the RP would expect/MNers would say if the tables were turned"

You know none of that. You have no idea until the situation is presented what other people would do/expect/say. I know its making you feel justified in posting what you do and thinking what you do but it really is rubbish.

Actually cheeky you were advised many times on that thread to ask the mum for help under the circumstances. Go back and check.
You do come across very bitter sometimes as if you would only be happy if the ex was living in complete poverty and you didn't have to provide anything for DSD. Bit sad really.

God I hate those 'if the tables were turned' and 'if the genders were reversed' foot-stamping accusations.

Just ask the question, give the information, and wait for the wide variety of responses that inevitably appear on pretty much every thread.

No i wouldnt and i can say this because i didnt expect my EXp and his partner to increase maintenance when i lost mine. Or when through some ridiculous office error i didnt get income support for 12 weeks, or when due to that error, housing benefit people decided i wasnt entitled to HB either because i wasnt getting IS. I didnt go to him or expect him to increase maintenance despite having only tax credits and child benefit to live off. He was paying £46 per week for two DC. It was my responsibility to pull in the purse strings and manage.

I didn't put words in your mouth I said that is how you come across sometimes. As in that is the impression your posts give.

We don't agree cheeky because you are wrong. It isn't about getting personal FFS it is all stuff you have put on here and invited posters to have an opinion on.

That's fine cheeky you are entitled to disagree with me....I am not going to throw my teddy out the cot and have a paddy about it.

Cheek you to no point did I say I know you. I said that because of your posts that is how you come across to me. Doesn't mean you are but that is the impression I get.

Even if rent is only £500 per month, the father is still only paying £200, so not even half of housing costs!

He has a mortgage not rent and both he and the OP work full time.

It isn't irrelevant because that means the fathers outgoings are halved which is relevant when they are wanting to take the mothers benefits or reduce payments. The mother doesn't have 2 wages coming in. The OP and the father should have factored child support payments when they looked at buying a house.

It's irrelevant for the CS calculation but in reality it's a massive advantage to the OP's h/hold.

Sounds like a very difficult situation and I'm wondering if the problems are stemming from the type 1 diabetes not financial matters which I think are just a smokescreen

Perhaps the mother is struggling and needs time out ? Two dcs with type 1 is a massive massive responsibility and she may be going out/sending them to OP as she's struggling. In turn, OP may be struggling to meet their needs as it is a really difficult condition to manage and x2 would be really hard work.

OP I think you all need to try and talk all three of you and sort this out as throwing accusations and criticising people's parenting helps nobody when it sounds like everyone here needs support