starting to struggle

[sm2bnorwich]

Hi all, I'm new to all this but thought there might be someone who can reassure me or provide advice as I feel I have nobody I can talk to and nobody understands.
My OH has 3 kids with his ex and we have been together for 4 1/2 years. Generally the kids are fine and have come to accept me. They don't live with us but they stay 2 nights/ days a week and have their own room and an abundance of toys/clothes here. We have scrimped and saved and finally managed to get on the property ladder but now with a mortgage to pay were finding it harder to make ends meet and go on constant days out. Now OH gives his ex £50 a week for child maintenance (An agreement not statutory) and she also gets paid child tax credits and child disability allowance as 2 of them have T1 diabetes. She's forever having her hair done / nails done, goes out every other night, and very recently bought a new car (not cheap) now I know it's none of my business what she does but I can't help but feel this isn't fair as we provide for those kids when they're with us and buy them new shoes toys and clothes when she lets them run around in embarrassingly worn out shoes until we end up buying new ones. I'm also struggling to find enough cash to replace my old banger for something I can cart the kids round in when needed. Are we not eligable for any of the credits she gets or reduced payments every week. I'm finding it really hard to accept as she takes everything for granted and knows she doesn't have to work and asks more and more of us all the time and through the summer we have ended up having the kids here more often than not so she can go out with her new bf even though we both work full time and me on shift. It's very hard to spend any time with my OH as a couple as every time I'm not at work the kids are here. Please help I'm very tearful and need a shoulder as nobody else understands :(

Yes she gets the CB from her mum but her mum bought the whole uniform the previous year and wasnt getting child support from your DP this year. This was his contribution in lieu of child support. It is irrelevant what CB her mum gets this year because its still his responsibility this year. If you had to use your CB rather than your maternity allowance which it should have come from then that is unfortunate but it doesnt mean it wasnt your (you and DP) bill to pay. It just means you struggled to do it. Which families up and down the country have to do as well. It doesnt mean it isnt their responsibility to pay it.

Btw i'm not denying that it was a struggle, but things are going to be when two parents are out of work and providing for 4 children. That is the reality of life. It just doesnt mean you can pass the bill on to someone else.

I am really surprised how little sympathy the OP had been receiving on this thread and I am not surprised they haven't been back.

On one hand you have a family with both parents working full time with 3 children 2 days out of 7 whose disposable income is without a doubt significantly less than the ex who doesn't work at all. We don't know the circumstances of the children but depending on the age looking after children with type 1 diabetes doesn't have to be hard and after a few months many learn to manage their condition well. Working full time and looking after children at weekend must be utterly exhausting and knowing mum has to days for herself must feel like a slap in the face.

I've been on the other side, a mum working full time in a demanding job looking after two kids under 5, entitled to no benefits but CB leaving me with very little disposable income and therefore very few luxuries whilst my ex and his new partner lived off full benefits as neither worked (yet her children were with their dad 50% of the time) and were left with not much less disposable income then I. I too felt quite bitter at time of utter exhaustion that I found myself no better off financially working full time.

I hope OP is ok and at least feels pride in her situation.

I am still struggling to see how anyone can justify that £50 per week/ £200pcm for 3 children and 2 with Type 1 diabetes is reasonable. Ignoring that some people get less than that - £2400 per annum does not cover 50% of the costs to feed clothe, entertain etc 3 children. In this scenario £800 per child per annum.

Last year my lovely insulin dependent 6 yr old grew and grew ( finally!) : in one school year
4 sets of school shoes £25 each,
5 sets of trainers £15 each,
5 sets of football boots - £20 each.
6 pairs of school trousers - £8-10 each
12 T shirts ( size, gross filth etc) £70
4 school jumpers (thank god for summer) £40
20 pairs of socks min £20
sports shorts and tops 3 sets : £40

That was £600+ just on school uniform.If I were to get what the OPs partner gives, £300 is the fathers contribution from the £800 has just gone on school uniform. We do not buy cheap shoes/trainers because of teaching him about looking after his feet.

Living with children with type 1 diabetes is hard work and v stressful. When very young it is full on trying to control their sugars, let them be kids, deal with the rebellion......

The children live with Mum 70% of the time, 2 nights per week is minimal and what about 50% of the holidays etc.

OP you do not get tax credits because the DCs do not live with you enough, Mum is entitled to the CB, because the DCS live with her and she does not earn enough. If this is the correct amount Op, your DP earns about £15000 per annum!

So the person who suggested cutting maintenance to £30pw, why. The costs of the children have not gone down, just because the father has new other costs.
This attitude of NRP has suddenly increased costs at home, therefore first thing to go is cut the maintenance is morally wrong. Cut the sky TV first... the EX is not funding the new lifestyle by picking up more of the costs of the new family.

But CB isn't for supporting stepchildren

No-one said it was. Your maternity allowance is where the money for DSD uniform should have come. Only you and DP know why that didnt happen.

Unless the children are teenagers I doubt very much they will be managing the condition on their own. Even then adult help is still often needed, it's not just testing blood glucose a couple of times a day and having insulin with meals that's involved there's so much more to caring for a child with diabetes. Injections/pump, carb counting, night testing etc etc
The fact that both of the children have diabetes makes it even harder. I expect it's difficult for all involved. Even when someone has had diabetes for years things can change and it can take you by surprise it doesn't just settle down after a few months

I've just said up thread I bought her uniform with the maternity allowance.

So why are you talking about the CB?

Sorry big feet but I've never heard of a kid needing that level of clothing in one year. 5 pairs of trainers in one year? 20 pairs of socks? Really? I certainly don't think that is normal.

I do agree that £50 a week is little for 3 kids but considering how much mum will get in state benefits I would very much doubt she is hard done by. If she was she wouldn't be in a position to buy herself a new car.

Each child with diabetes will hedge different needs but none of the incur additional costs.

If the children are at school, we are not talking g about 24 hour care. If the children are on insulin pumps the requirement to monitor blood glucose will be much less intensive.

I've never heard of a kid needing that level of clothing in one year. 5 pairs of trainers in one year?

Youve never met my 6 year old! He burns through trainers. I'm having to replace them monthly! Older boy is getting 2-3 months out of a pair- less skidding, football, using his feet as brakes for his bike.

Each child with diabetes will hedge different needs but none of the incur additional costs.

I have no experience with diabetes but at the very least i can imagine they spend more time visiting GP and hospital than those without. That is an additional cost in fuel and parking fees

I'm sorry but I will be buying the boys some new shoes and her mum will have to sort her out!

Why would you be sorting her out? of course thats for her mum to sort, she gets the CB and the child support from your DP. The uniform this year however was your DP's responsibility. No-one said you should be kitting DSD out year round!

It's actually the complete opposite. If a child has an insulin pump blood glucose monitoring is more frequent as if the pump fails then blood glucose can rise very quickly and dka can set in as unlike mdi (injections) there is no long acting insulin in the system as pumps only use fast acting insulin

Diabetes does mean extra costs are incurred. Trips to hospital, sometimes equipment that may not be funded by the nhs (cgm sensors for example) so it cannot be ruled out in this case as we don't know the facts as to whether the children need more due to having diabetes

DP doesn't pay child support for DSD as I think it is 50 50 surly. I do agree with the other points you raised. For me though if all 4 DC needed shoes I just couldn't by for mine and leave out the SDC it wouldn't feel right. I would probably buy cheaper shoes so that they all could have some. But that's just me, I totally get that it would fall to the RP to buy them.

Ah ok so no child support. I didnt realise itvwas 50/50 care. I think in that case take it turn about for thing like shoes/coats clothes etc.

If either of my kids had ruined 14 pairs of shoes in one year they would have been seriously disciplined as it could only mean they either lost them or didn't take if them.

I am actually speechless then any parent could think it acceptable. If I was the nrp I would be livid that so much money went on dressing a 6 yo for school.

Not sure where you are getting 14 pairs from. There are 12 months in a year. He doesnt lose any of them. He wears through them through playing like children do. They are all between £4 and £10 a pair as i get them on sale in sports direct or heatons or peacocks. His NRP has fuck all to do with it. He pays minimum child support and sod all else. If he dared mention it i would laugh loud and hard in his face. Its my decision how i spend the money on my children. He is very welcome to spend his money on his children for whatever extravagences take his fancy, so far he hasnt taken that option. Shoot me now for being one of the ones that doesnt let her DC run around in holey shoes as was criticised upthread.

Christ you really cannot do right for doing wrong! Criticised for children having holey shoes and criticised for replacing the holey shoes.