starting to struggle

[sm2bnorwich]

Hi all, I'm new to all this but thought there might be someone who can reassure me or provide advice as I feel I have nobody I can talk to and nobody understands.
My OH has 3 kids with his ex and we have been together for 4 1/2 years. Generally the kids are fine and have come to accept me. They don't live with us but they stay 2 nights/ days a week and have their own room and an abundance of toys/clothes here. We have scrimped and saved and finally managed to get on the property ladder but now with a mortgage to pay were finding it harder to make ends meet and go on constant days out. Now OH gives his ex £50 a week for child maintenance (An agreement not statutory) and she also gets paid child tax credits and child disability allowance as 2 of them have T1 diabetes. She's forever having her hair done / nails done, goes out every other night, and very recently bought a new car (not cheap) now I know it's none of my business what she does but I can't help but feel this isn't fair as we provide for those kids when they're with us and buy them new shoes toys and clothes when she lets them run around in embarrassingly worn out shoes until we end up buying new ones. I'm also struggling to find enough cash to replace my old banger for something I can cart the kids round in when needed. Are we not eligable for any of the credits she gets or reduced payments every week. I'm finding it really hard to accept as she takes everything for granted and knows she doesn't have to work and asks more and more of us all the time and through the summer we have ended up having the kids here more often than not so she can go out with her new bf even though we both work full time and me on shift. It's very hard to spend any time with my OH as a couple as every time I'm not at work the kids are here. Please help I'm very tearful and need a shoulder as nobody else understands :(

What are you on about cheeky? It is the OP that wants to reduce payments I never said it was you

So because they have debts and cannot live within their means these 2 working people want to take money from a single unworking mother of 3 .......if that is ok with you cheeky and you see that as fair then I have nothing further to say to you.

I do think the main issue sounds like the OP is not getting enough time with her DP at all on their own, with increasing contact time which isn't being talked through.

It doesn't sound like the maintenance he pays has changed, so maybe the OP and her DH have made a mistake in taking on a mortgage. What colour the children's mother nails are is neither here nor there!

There's some nasty people about isn't there?
£50 a week for three children is considered generous?
Cheeky monkey, surely your dp gets a reduction to the amount he pays for his dd because you have children of your own. Tbh you sound bitter and resentful of your poor dsd. Wasn't it you that wanted your dsd to have uniform of inferior quality and your own DSL to have logo uniform. And considered that fairies people like you that make me glad that my dis has nothing to do with his dad. See, it's about more than the money, it's about the attitude and yours stinks.

In cheeky a defence I remember that thread. She paid for everything for her DSD because her DP lost his job and couldn't pay. She was under no obligation to buy any uniforms for her DPs child and the struggle to do so upset her enough to post on here about it. Cheeky I remember the whole thread very well and you were very unfairly berated. People choose to remember and read what suits them. Don't worry glad things have worked out for you

Cheeky you talk of hypocrisy. What about the posts repeatedly saying that the nrp has to provide a suitable home for the child?
When here it is often seen as not necessary for dsc to have there own room. An opinion You yourself have stated.

So what costs would an nrp have when they don't even have to have an extra bedroom?

Why do SM always seem so bothered about the fucking nails. On every one of these threads the mum is always

Getting her nails done
Pissing the money up the wall
Strutting around in new clothes
Going on holidays

She's hardly keeping herself in cocaine and diamonds on £50 a week is she

No SM are not "so bothered" about the nails.

One or two SM on here have mentioned it. No need to turn that into a sweeping generalisation.

But I suspect the reason it is mentioned is because it's generally seen as something of a luxury to have your nails perfectly manicured at all times and it is visible.

Like lipstick, manicures are one of the affordable 'little luxuries' that enjoy sales booms in recessions.

If they are particularly popular with single mums generally (no evidence for that) or individual single mums, maybe it's for similar reasons? Because they don't get many big luxuries or downtime.

She paid for everything for her DSD because her DP lost his job and couldn't pay. She was under no obligation to buy any uniforms for her DPs child

Actually that depends on why he wasnt getting jobseekers. If it was because he couldnt be arsed claiming it then no, cheeky was under no obligation to support his child. Although that makes him a shitstain of the highest order choosing to be supported by his children. However if he didnt get JSA due to being with cheeky and her income then actually yes, she did have an obligation as their decision to be a couple affected his entitlement to benefits.

Well then there was an obligation for DSD's uniform to come out of that money. As i said upthread, it always had her name on it.

How was it your DSes supporting her? It was your money from your maternity allowance surely?

She had her name on the amount of money needed to get her a uniform. In other words there always should have been £X amount designated for her uniform. Thats what i mean by her name on it.