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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

starting to struggle

198 replies

sm2bnorwich · 31/08/2015 09:12

Hi all, I'm new to all this but thought there might be someone who can reassure me or provide advice as I feel I have nobody I can talk to and nobody understands.
My OH has 3 kids with his ex and we have been together for 4 1/2 years. Generally the kids are fine and have come to accept me. They don't live with us but they stay 2 nights/ days a week and have their own room and an abundance of toys/clothes here. We have scrimped and saved and finally managed to get on the property ladder but now with a mortgage to pay were finding it harder to make ends meet and go on constant days out. Now OH gives his ex £50 a week for child maintenance (An agreement not statutory) and she also gets paid child tax credits and child disability allowance as 2 of them have T1 diabetes. She's forever having her hair done / nails done, goes out every other night, and very recently bought a new car (not cheap) now I know it's none of my business what she does but I can't help but feel this isn't fair as we provide for those kids when they're with us and buy them new shoes toys and clothes when she lets them run around in embarrassingly worn out shoes until we end up buying new ones. I'm also struggling to find enough cash to replace my old banger for something I can cart the kids round in when needed. Are we not eligable for any of the credits she gets or reduced payments every week. I'm finding it really hard to accept as she takes everything for granted and knows she doesn't have to work and asks more and more of us all the time and through the summer we have ended up having the kids here more often than not so she can go out with her new bf even though we both work full time and me on shift. It's very hard to spend any time with my OH as a couple as every time I'm not at work the kids are here. Please help I'm very tearful and need a shoulder as nobody else understands :(

OP posts:

Stepmumuk · 04/09/2015 12:39

Hi
I understand how you feel. I normally stay away from forums as it can turn into a real nasty bashing. Being a step parent is so difficult. As I child I did not grow up with a picture in my mind of meeting and falling in love with a man who already had a family but it happened and did I fight it. It was the hardest struggle of my life for three years accepting it and living with it. learning to love someone else children is hard and if you haven't done it you cant comment!. You are walking into a war zone and paying for it, emotionally and finically. I would recommend payments through the CSA coz at any time the BM could turn around and say you have not paid and it can get nasty and you end up paying twice, this happened to us so please take advice. I struggled come a weekend when I wanted that quite after work Friday drink and we had my husbands children I felt we never had time alone but his ex like you was always out spending money and buying new things, she played poverty for a long time that family helped her out etc. and it made a rift within the family but now 7 years later it has all come back around and has back fired. I learnt in the hardest times when we had no money and she did (and we payment CSA, uniforms, clothes, trips in and out of school brought school lunches every week) that when you are at home make the most of it, carpet picnics, films etc. Being happy with your partner will help you make it through the dark times, I did me and 7 years on even though our BM is still very difficult to deal with we come to together.

SurlyCue · 04/09/2015 13:09

Many posters seemed to empathise with the birth mother

Mother.

even though our BM is still very difficult

mother.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 04/09/2015 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SurlyCue · 04/09/2015 15:42

hattyhatter · 04/09/2015 17:51

Stepmumuk what IS the reason for referring to a mother as 'birth mother'?

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 04/09/2015 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SurlyCue · 04/09/2015 19:18

It isnt pathetic at all. Its a well worn bone of contention. Do you refer to your DP as your childrens or DSD's birth father?

hattyhatter · 04/09/2015 19:24

It's a strange thing to say, outside of adoption, 3

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 04/09/2015 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SurlyCue · 04/09/2015 20:08

Yes i correct BM when i see it. Has been a fair while since i have seen it tbh but there seems to be an influx of new posters using it in the last week or so along with the goady threads. Have to say i cant ever recall seeing it in a post i agreed with. Funny that.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 04/09/2015 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oswin · 04/09/2015 20:19

I've only ever seen bm used in posts that are slagging the mother. I have a theory that its used to disassociate her from the dp. So she's not the ex, the dcs mother. She's a bm which makes her seem less of an issue.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 04/09/2015 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SurlyCue · 04/09/2015 20:25

I'm a mum myself, and I really can't find it in me to get so worked up about it.

Thats alright, doesnt make me wrong to be bothered by it.

Agree oswin.

swingofthings · 04/09/2015 20:46

Well pardon me for not using the right mumsnet terminology which clearly seems to be the crime of the century!

In my defense, I used the term 'birth' mother as a distinction to 'step' mother, because in my opinion, both are 'mothers' in their own way, just one gave birth to the child, so to me it seemed a logical way to distinguish the two, but he ho, I forgot there were emotional grammatical police agents on these forums! I shall repent for my error and write 'it is Mother, not Birth Mother' a 100 times before I come back to post :)

Ironically, I noticed an error with my post which had nothing to do with the reference to BM, but to the fact I was meant to write not empathise with the birth mother!

SurlyCue · 04/09/2015 20:53

Well pardon me for not using the right mumsnet terminology

It not mumsnet terminology. Its common sense everyday life terminology. The woman is their mother.

which clearly seems to be the crime of the century!

which comments are you interpreting as believing it to be crime of the century?

I used the term 'birth' mother as a distinction to 'step' mother, because in my opinion, both are 'mothers'

no distinction is needed. Mother is a very clear, appropriate term for her role. There is no confusion about what the word mother means. No-one would have needed you to clarify who you were talking about.

Oswin · 04/09/2015 21:19

Swing you make it sound like the only difference between a mother and a step mother is one gave birth.

StanSmithsChin · 04/09/2015 21:29

Erm yes one gave birth to the DC in question so that's a pretty big distinction you plum!

StanSmithsChin · 04/09/2015 21:30

Oh and I agree with sowing and surely.

StanSmithsChin · 04/09/2015 21:31

That should have said oswin not sowing. Stupid iPad!

swingofthings · 05/09/2015 08:29

Sorry still don't see why it is such an issue. If there is no confusion, why is the generalised used term for a step-PARENT, step-MOTHER or step-FATHER? Surely if it is so obvious, those words wouldn't even be used to refer to these people who are neither the father nor the mother?

It's ironic that I AM a mother, and yet have no issue in referring to myself as birth mother as opposed to step-mother, but then again, I think words are just that WORDS, the way people behave is much more representative of who they are.

It reminds me of my son who when we announced our engagement, gave a hug to my fiance to say that he was over the moon because he would now be able to referred to him as his step-dad. I thought that was a bit odd as I didn't see how our marriage made any difference to their relationship, but that's how he saw it.

So as it seems to offend a number of sensitive posters, I will make sure to ban the word 'birth' from my posts in the future.

Waltermittythesequel · 05/09/2015 09:24

When was the last time anyone addressed you and your issues on the thread, OP?

Just curious...

SurlyCue · 05/09/2015 11:31

why is the generalised used term for a step-PARENT, step-MOTHER or step-FATHER? Surely if it is so obvious, those words wouldn't even be used to refer to these people who are neither the father nor the mother

I'm really struggling to find any logic in your post. If you cant see why the word "step" is attached then i dont think there is anything i could say that would make that clear for you to understand. My 6 year old gets it.

Also, you dont understand irony.

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