Anyone else had enough?! Join me for a glass of virtual prosecco!

[happygirl87]

Sometimes I find being a step-mother all too much! Can't even be bothered to go into it - just pass the ! Anyone else?!

Oh by the way I'm the OP- just had a few n/cs after hacker-gate!

Thanks dragons, I'm hanging in there and hoping for a few non drama days....not likely though! I do however have my first weekend of this summer child free, as selfish as this sounds I'm looking forward to it! I remember my first date with dp over a decade ago and him informing me he had a child in case I wanted to walk away, all seemed so simple then! Then comes teenage years!!!

It's all kicking off here. We've had her since Monday and I'm not sure how I'm going to cope until next Monday.

She's taken over the room she shares with dd completely, was on her laptop from 7am until 10.30pm yesterday. I suggested to dp this isn't healthy, he's done nothing. She has just burst into tears because I said to dp that she's leaving stuff lying about all over the house and I don't want the usual accusations of me and dd stealing from her. Now dp is up there, he said I'm trying to drive a wedge between them. No, I just want her to actually stop lying to her mum about me and my kids, stop accusing us of stealing and to actually make her bed and stop expecting her dad to run around clearing up after her.

Coffee that sounds very fustrating. It just shows how difficult step parenting can be, if it was your own child your DP wouldn't be undermining you like this. The wedge that is being driven is between you and your DP unless he wakes up and sees that not parenting his child has consequences for everyone. My sympathies!

To top it all, dp has had to go out leaving me with dd and dsd, teen is at ncs. I need to do an early dinner (about 5pm) as we all need to go to help someone at 7pm and dsd has told me she's leaving here at 3.30 to go and see friends. I've got to go and get teen at 4, dinner cooking and look after dd and I'm not sure how it's all going to pan out.

Dp doesn't seem to understand that I don't want to be left with dsd as it leaves me open to accusations. Dsd previously told her mum I'd said we were too busy to have her here one weekend and I hadn't been near her, dp knows this wasn't true but refused to ask her about it so I did. Cue more tears and "I never lie" ...She's sneaky and manipulates her dad with tears.

My dd just wants to spend time with her, dsd refuses. My dd in tears. I asked dp how he would feel if it was reversed and it was his dd in tears if mine refused to talk to her. "That would be different" apparently. I'm reaching the point of wanting to walk away from the whole mess. His ex is a bitch who went on the phone to him and told him to watch me as I was only after his money and I was probably committing benefit fraud. Which is wrong in both cases.

Things will be fine once she goes home until he gets an email saying dsd has said (whatever, pick an accusation) and then it all stArts again.

Hello all name changers!

Well, yes, dss went to camp. I went home from hol on Wed, instead of the Sat with them.
dp no contact. It seems he then set about changing all the weekend plans, presumably to show how he didn't need me for dss. This fell flat as actually he didn't have anyone to rely on and the DM "couldn't" have him.

I won't go into exact details but his plans didn't really work.
He's still not spoken to me, last time he spoke to me other than just having to, was about Tuesday last week.
He flew to the US Sun, left about 5am without saying goodbye and nary a word since.
dss at camp, presumably getting trenchfoot in the wet. I took him to the meeting place and made sure they had his mother's number to call if anything happens.
Dp due back Fri day time. dss due back next Wed. I am away in London all this week and three days next week.

No idea what is going to happen at the weekend. Dp has invited some friends of his, did it weeks ago (without asking me if it was OK) but as far as I know hasn't made any plans for anything to do with them and with no dss their kids will find it hard I think.

The weekend after we are supposed to be going to this 'festival' dp booked, again without asking me, run by a band he loves and I don't like, where we have to dress like Yorkshiremen, over which I am having a serious sense of humour failure. Last year I refused to go but this year he has just assumed I am going. Obviously if he's still not talking to me I won't, but I don't want to anyway. He will whine if I don't. He says he got the tickets as a nice surprise. Well, it was no fucking surprise to me as he always goes, and it certainly isn't nice for me to camp in a muddy field with loads of drunk twats to see a band I don't like. And annoyingly it clashes with the yoga retreat I went to last year (they didn't clash last year).

I have arranged myself a counselling appointment to see if I can find ways to deal with some of these issues for my own sanity and a GP appointment to get my hormone levels checked to see if some of my anxiety might be menopause related. If I tell dp this he will just revert to "it's definitely your fault then, it's you being hormonal that is causing all our problems", so I won't tell him.

Omg!! That sounds like a nightmare Out. Really do understand your frustration though.

Coffee - you do sound as if you are in a horrible position. I wonder if you could sit both OH and DSD down and have it out with them? Say to both of them calmly that the lying is getting too much - make them both see how hard it is for you. Ask if you can all start afresh? Ask your OH to refuse to reply to Ex over accusations. Tell them how serious this is. Tell DSD that her mum has her own opinions but that needn't be anything to do with her, and that she needs to treat you kindly and respectfully - it is for the happiness of all isn't it?

I did this with my DSD and OH and it was one of the few times they couldn't then collude together. Although the problems did just surface again... :-/ And I also wonder if the Ex, certainly in my case, has so much influence - like in your case - that after years of trying my DSCs keep a real distance from me - even though I have them more than half the time - I find it awful really.

OuttoGetYou - Sounds like you've done a good thing in the long run. Let DP have a couple of weeks to stew! Even if you are more anxious, it sounds as if you are being taken for granted and expected to just 'slot in' to his life in a way that is not appreciated. I didn't see on any of your posts anything that your DP was doing just for you and him, no meal out, no day together, not even picking up that his sister was totally excluding you, nothing arranged that is nice for the both of you. If you still want to make it work - do you think you might suggest something, a weekend away, just the two of you, away from family/tensions?

Can rejoin this thread? ( been busy with name change and getting a new account linked to a new email address that doesn't have my real name in it....)

Having a quiet week now. The DSC are away for 4 nights with their DM, and my DD's off on a school trip for 10 days. So just me, DH and DS at home. It's the longest I've ever been away from DD and they're not allowed mobile phones, so no contract at all. I'm missing her terribly, but don't really very any sympathy from DH as he's quite often gone that long without seeing his DC.

our - your DP does seem to be king of arranging things without stopping to check with you first. I'd go on the yoga retreat if I were you - sound just what you need. But counselling's probably not a bad idea either.

That's a good idea but both of them deny she lies. She really can do no wrong in his eyes. She's not here tonight, gone to stay at a friend's. I asked her to wait until her dad got back but she just walked out.

Out, you say you have dss down on you and there is nothing you can do....what would happen if you just say no, it's now workable this week? I can't believe she's only has him 2 days!!

I'm not sure what you mean Chips?

I don't get to say no, no-one asks me. If I complain to DP he gets cross and says it's not as if he has a choice. And I can't stop dp being a parent to his son (even though half the time he's not there anyway).

Last time I said no was because dp hadn't checked with me and I genuinely wasn't going to be there. dp then had to run around sorting something out as the DM wouldn't do it, and I think that time dp didn't speak to me for about four days, and he sent me a really nasty email telling me he does everything and the relationship is one sided.

If dp isn't there, he just assumes I will have dss. He says 'all you have to do is make sure he eats', well.......no actually. The eating thing is a pain because he argues over all food. And it's not like that anyway. Yeah, he doesn't need 'looking after' bit it's still a drain and a restriction on me.

Anyway, still not heard from him. I expect we'll split up this time.

I just mean that if your dp was also annoyed with mum only having him for 2 days then he too could say it's not possible for I'm not saying he shouldn't parent his son, but that his mother should. I also don't thing it's unreasonable for you to have a say when it seems like you and dp are having him the majority of the time

"All you have to do is make sure he eats" that's the best line I've heard! Sorry, sound like you are in a difficult position with an in supportive dp and the ex is taking the piss

Morning all, Buck's Fizz and croissants all round! Apologies if I miss anyone out, the thread has suddenly moved quickly!

Out, here's a large one for you Sounds totally shit for you right now. Forgive me if this is a qu you don't want to answer (or have answered) but do you and DP have DC? I just don't understand how logistically he can make plans that require you to be at home on childcare duty, without checking if you have to be in town for work or similar? It seems like his needs are a MUCH higher priority than yours atm, and for me that would be the main problem- this seems like a wider issue than just step parenting.
Anyway, I really hope the counselling helps you come up with a strategy to cope with whatever decision you make- and as said up thread, the yoga does sound like it would be perfect right now, can he take a friend to the festival?

Coffee how did it go when DP got back last night? It sounds very difficult when DSD is being deliberately manipulative and deceitful- she probably feels very pulled between her parents and confused/hurt by what her Mum saying, but that's no help to you!

Whyareall hope you're hanging in until the child free weekend- not long! Do you have plans for it?

Yellow I hope you're not missing DD too much. I think DP should give you sympathy- he may be used to big gaps in seeing his DC now, but I bet the first time was really hard!

DH and I also have a childfree weekend, and are away for 3 nights over the bank hol- I'm so excited! Feels like ages since we really had time alone together with no DSD and no family visiting or occasions!

"All you have to do is make sure he eats" - I've heard that one myself!!! Never mind if the kid is having trouble with something, if they leave a mess, are rude, want to talk about something - you can't parent by remote control and step parents aren't robot babysitters! Seriously though, it sounds pretty upsetting for you Out - sorry about that.

Dragons - sounds like you have had ages since you had some time with DH on your own - hope you have a wonderful weekend!

"All you have to do is make sure he eats"

Yes, that one made me smile too! On one level it's kind of true - at it's most basic parenting is about being on call for (unlikely) emergencies and providing food. That kind of care can cover you for the odd few hours when other childcare has fallen though maybe. But it's about so, so much more than that as well - my DH means well and tries really hard not to take me for granted, but I just don't think he really gets how much parenting I do for the DSC (or my own DC for that matter). If I'm sat in the kitchen drinking a cup of tea when they arrive home, he thinks I'm just having a sit down and a cup of tea. But really what I'm doing is making myself available in the room they all pass through so they can talk about what's going on in their lives, I can ask them what their plans are for the weekend, and so much more.

He loves his DC, my DH, but I don't think he fully gets the range of stuff they need, and how much you have to do to have a strong enough relationship to be an effective parent.

Yellow - agree totally! Parenting isn't easy, I know I have my own DC and I'm not perfect!

As an example of how much can be going on with teenage or adult DSCs - on another post I put that OHs DD got pregnant and didn't tell either parent - after both parents telling me that she was adult enough not to 'need anything except meals' - for several weekends when I was the main adult around - just saying... !

I think I can replay dp's own frustration with dss over the summer holidays to refute the "all you have to do is feed him" claim.

The annoying thing is, I flagged to DP more than once over the summer that I was feeling put upon and that I was unhappy, but he just brushes it aside, one time actually saying "why do you always do this" (bring up things that make me unhappy). So it never gets very far.
I have no idea why he can't tell ex that we can't have dss. There have been a few times I have put my foot down and a few times we have genuinely not been able to. But with us both working from home now and then it's hard to refuse. Worse - dp will be working at home full time now til end Oct, so he will be making all those decisions based on his own movements (and then will go out and leave me with dss).

He is already taking a friend to the festival thing. Last year he and dss went with friend and his son. That seems fine to me. Why he decided I have to go is a mystery. But the yoga thing is sold out now anyway.

I got a text from dp today, first contact in over a week, saying "heard from dss, he's doing well". I wondered if maybe he'd meant to send it to the ex.

I feel like he just thinks I am the other parent and that I should take responsibility when he's not available.
But my view is, ex is RP (and gets maintenance to be so), dp is father (and should have agreed contact schedule, which OK has to be varied at times due to his work and sometimes other plans) and I am dp partner - nice to dss, welcoming to him when he comes, but not an unpaid disrespected baby sitter.

DH and I not getting on at the mo, kids this weekend. Heard to a lonely secluded 3 days

Hear's

Chips - lets you and me go to a retreat together! One that has wine....

OutTo, I'll bring a box for on the way

And there we have it. Five days of being on her laptop, refusing to communicate with anyone except dp and its all my fault because I don't make her feel welcome and ...I'm jealous. Apparently. Of a fucking 12 year old.

I've just told dp he can fuck right off and then keep fucking off. I am mean for taking dd swimming with her friend and not taking dsd. Dsd doesn't want to do anything with dd and when she went out with her friend the day before and dd wanted to go, dp said no as it was her spending time with her friend. Yet reverse it and dsd has to be involved? Why??? I'm sick of the double standards. And dp has done nothing with dsd all week and I've taken dd out of the way and yet dsd Sat here on her laptop while dp watched tv. I've told him if good parenting is letting your 12 year old play on a laptop 14 hours every day he should win parent of the year award.

Absolutely fuming and looking for somewhere else to live. Fuck this.

Coffee, come along with me and OutTo! We have plenty of wine.

That sounds really shit, my dh can do that double standard bollocks. He also gets defensive with my if i ask dsc 14&9 to give a hand!