Anyone else had enough?! Join me for a glass of virtual prosecco!

[happygirl87]

Sometimes I find being a step-mother all too much! Can't even be bothered to go into it - just pass the ! Anyone else?!

Thanks Happygirl. Hope your week gets better!
Yellow - sounds like a typical SM scenario!

dss leaves wrappers and mugs everywhere. dp keeps picking them up and moaning at me about it. He knows it's dss doing it, he says "I am fed up of DS leaving his crap all over the place" and every time I say "why are you telling me? Tell him".

But then, dp also leaves crap all over the place.

I know what you mean about it not feeling like your home. I am the same. I won't run around after people so if they leave crap everywhere it gets left there. Then when I have a fit about how messy it is dp will say " we all make it messy...." and I just point at stuff lying around in random places and say "I didn't put that there, I didn't put that there, that is yours, that is dss, that pile has been on its way to the garage for four weeks, that pile is shit from where you empty your pockets....." and so on.

Need to join you too. Feel like a complete bitch as dss has been under par today but he has really milked it and my patience is a little thin. Left his skid mark pants in the middle of the bathroom floor and didn't seem to get why I pulled him up on it - even ds who is three years younger knows not to do this.

Morning all- and (v tired and trying to eat healthily, but no calories in virtual !)

yellow hope you got through the eve ok- are the DSC going back today?
melon I think you sound like a saint! no way I could handle DP moaning about crap left around by his own child, who he won't ask to clear up!
MsColouring, welcome- skidmark pants sound disgusting and if you want a shot of brandy in your I won't judge!

Actually, I have the house to myself suddenly. Dss is still at his mum's (this being her only few days with him over the hols), our visitor left at 7am and dp has decided to go into his office for a change.

Nice deep breaths.... :)

I am working but it's still nice not to have to keep thinking about other people.

I had quite a nice evening in the end thanks. The younger 3 DSC were all tried and in need of their own space for a bit so went off to their rooms for most of the evening. DSD1 was snappy because she's nervous about A level results tomorrow but then watched a movie and went off to bed too. And DD grabbed the opportunity for some one to one time with me giving me a henna tattoo whilst playing me her favourite music :) She's had very little one to one time lately and does seem to need it, so nice that we managed that despite the full house. Feeling a bit better today for a good nights sleep, though DSC3&4 are still moping round the house bored.

Enjoy your virtual After a week of all you can eat buffets I think I'll join you in the healthy eating (in a child-friendly no-suspicious-vegetables kind of way as we have only one child free dinner until the DSC come back again for the weekend... )

Oh, glad things are looking up Melon and Yellow!

I'm having a bit of a wobbly today, and I know I'm being stupid. DSD has an event tomorrow- don't want to say what, but let's say main part in school play for example. DH and I only found out at short notice (what a surprise!!) and as we live 3-4 hours away we decided he would take unpaid leave in the afternoon to go to the event, but it wasn't worth me taking time off also. Sensible decision. BUT I have now found out that DSD's mum (I'll call her X), X's parents, DH and PILs and DSD are all having a special dinner, together with a friend of X who DH and X used to see together a lot when DSD was a baby and they were a couple. And I know it's normal and ordinary and lovely for DSD, but I feel like I've just been written out....like it's how it would be if DH and I had never got together, or if I didn't exist. And I shouldn't be insecure about it, but PILs are very close to X and spend a lot of time with her (they were going to the dinner etc before DH knew he could go, for example) -and also have no other divorce/remarriage etc in their family, are v religious and wholesome and jolly- and I just can't shake the feeling that they would prefer it that way, if I had never come on the scene.

I have tried to make plans with people IRL to have dinner or drinks after work but so far everyone's busy. Am really upset.
I want a real

Happygirl - that sounds hard. It's just pretty tough a lot of the time isn't it, with a large part of our partners life still ongoing with X. Why don't you just take the time off and go? Take your place by your DHs side even if it is a little mad you both taking time off.

If you don't, there are plenty here, me included, who know what it feels like! You are not alone. :-)

I wouldn't be happy with that HG - but then neither would dp! I don't think he'd stay for the meal, he'd stop at the services on the way back instead.

Dp ex-w has just called to say dss is being a little shit. Nice. Her whole second day of having him and this is clearly the pre-cursor to her saying he has to come to us [again] because she can't manage him.

We haven't had one evening without a kid here for I don't know how long, tonight was due to be the first, then we'd have tomorrow and dss back Fri.

I'd lay money on him being here tomorrow if not before.

Oh no Melon! Fingers crossed you get tonight together at least- can you have a nice meal or something?

Thanks for your nice message, and yours K888- I can't get time off now, and I think DH wants to go to the meal just because PILs will be there, plus it would be so nice for DSD to have him... I don't think he sees my perspective on it- he can't get how I feel about PILs relationship with X, and he hates to feel I'm criticising them. There is SO much pressure from ILs for me and X to act like part of one big happy family- I've even been sent out for dinner with X before by MIL (just the two of us)... And MIL will try to involve us in convo together and say "Happy, did you tell X about your plans to move house?" (Or whatever). I really try to see X like another extended family member, as she's at every bloody family do, but it's hard to reconcile that with the fact that she's DHs ex, not to mention all the other shit the rest of the time around arrrangments/contact/holidays/clothes etc that goes with blended families!!

Actually, the "house move" comment in the above was a bit misleading, because if we did move that would of course be relevant to X- the kind of thing MIL will bring up is stuff that's personal to me IYSWIM.

And JeSuis welcome, have some in anticipation

I haven't had enough, I just need a bit of solidarity. Took DSC over to play with my DC to a friends house today, all lovely until hometime. 30minute meltdown from DSS about leaving, full on screaming I hate you!! Don't touch me!! all because he was struggling to put on his own shoes (he's 4) my boys are 3 and 5 so I know it's just age, but soooooo hard when you can't quite treat them as you would your own. (IE no 'pack it in, put them on, out you get.' lots of cajoling and waiting and bargaining, while the host waited for us to leave so she could take another child home... aaargh).

Ended up having to pick him up screaming anyway, as we simply had to go so the host family could also leave! Carted him home with the other 3 trailing after feeling like the wicked witch. Took well over an hour for him to calm down at home (which is only 1 street away) with DP. Sometimes it just feels like being through the wringer, over such simple things!

Pass the please!!

Oh that does sound hard happy with them all going out together without you :( Rationally I think it's fine and lovely for DSD that her dad will be there. But hard for you, and I do think your DP ought to be able to see that it feels awkward for you. I'm lucky in that respect as DH's ex seems to have cut herself off completely from DH's family (or been cut off maybe?) They never mention her and have literally cut her out of photos from what I can gather! It does make things easier for me as there kind of an empty space to fit into. Must be hard when they're still close. Maybe the ex will get a new partner at some point, that might make it a little easier for you.

Anyway, all is quiet here. The DSC have finally gone back, my ex has picked up my own DC, DH is out (again...) and I am settling down with a glass of my duty free and waiting for Bake Off to appear in the iPlayer :) Guess we'll be getting a 6.30am text with DSD's Alevel results, though I am kind of excited for her.

HappyGirl - your MIL sent you and X out for dinner?! Has X got a new partner?! They really should back off, even if to them they are doing something good - what they really are inadvertently doing is saying to you 'to be accepted by us you've got to be a buddy of X' - it just doesn't work being that close - there are too many boundaries that are being crossed left, right and centre!

I guess you've got to play the long game there - but it isn't great for a relationship having X being over involved - isn't good for X either - move on!

Hi Choco, welcome- have some and nuts!
Sounds hard with DSS, hope you're having a relaxing eve now. I have a qu if you don't mind, is there a reason you can't treat him as you would your own? (Eg would DP be upset?) I assumed, very naively, that having DC and DSC who were a) young and b) close in age would allow more fair standards, so v interested to hear others experiences! We only have DSD10 and no plans for DC for years, so there will be such a huge age gap they wouldn't really be sibling comparison in terms of discipline/activities etc.

Thanks yellow and K888 it's SO nice to just hear someone else say that it's bonkers! I have no friends with DSC at all, so although my lovely friends are v supportive it's hard having no RL frame of reference! Yellow you described how I feel well- there's no space for me. If PILs, SIL BIL DH and X and I are altogether I'm the only one with no DC, no experience of babies etc- I feel v left out. K888 you hit the nail on the head- I think that's exactly what they are saying. Boundaries crossed everywhere! The thing I keep thinking is X will be part of PILs family for life, whereas if DH and I ever split up with no DC they'd never see me again - and I feel I won't really be part of the family til I have one of their grandchildren?! Which I know is a mad thought!
X has no partner now- she did for a while but hasn't for about a year. Selfishly I hope she finds someone and makes more of her own life!

Happygirl - I think that is hard alright - not having kids. I have a DS before I met my OH, but it was only when I had a child with him that Ex had less of a 'special pull' on OH - suddenly lots of things I couldn't argue against before became obviously not right.

But the kids grow up, Ex pressure lessens - or so I'm told!

I read most of this post and decided I'd better go out and get a virtual case of virtual for you all, and while I'm at it here's a bunch of virtual each too! I just don't know how you all cope with this NRC visiting/staying/living with you lark! And I know, I really truly know his children have a right to see him regularly, and vice versa, but my DC and DSC were all grown when I met DH so have not experienced all the drama/tension that comes with children who are not yours staying/living in your home! I salute you in all your struggles...you're all marvellous!!!

thanks happygirl. Your situation does sound bonkers, and I hope it chills out with time!

I've had another button pressing morning. I've decided 4yo boys are basically just horrible. My own DS was horrible last year, DSS is striding his way through the tiny dictator stage right now and I may as well settle in for the ride because my DS(3) will be bringing up the rear next summer. God help us when they are all teens.

DSD(8) is an oasis of pleasant behaviour right now, but no doubt the tween stage will hit around about the same time the boys all emerge from the rotten little PITA stage.

I am resigned to the fact that parenting this crowd is simply a lot more intense than I would have planned for my own family, but then that's pretty obvious with 14months between DS1 and DSS, and 10 months between DSS and DS2.

I don't treat the DSC exactly the same as I would treat my own, because they don't respond the same way. DSS in particular just gets utterly entrenched in whatever he's cross about, and has zero regard for me. DP does pull him up on it, but it's just effin stressful to be honest. And he's 4. So, I do try to keep it in perspective!

Thanks everyone -K888 it's lovely to hear from someone who's seen that shift; light at the end of the tunnel! Wdigin wine and flowers much appreciated, thank you

I spoke to DH this morning and told him how I felt, and he offered not to go- I told him of course he should but was touched that he seemed to understand more than expected!

Choco I feel esp bad that you've had your stressful morning by 9.04! Age gaps sound very difficult but you seem to be handling it masterfully!

and all round!

Thanks out or sending me the link to this thread, things are very hard right now.
Currently googling little wife syndrome with regards to my DSD (6) who is being very inappropriate with her DF at the moment. Bad behaviour, DD being completely left out. It's all taking its toll.

Hi Mother, no personal experience of that type of behaviour but it sounds very challenging. Maybe someone here will have more experience, but in the mean time, I can offer you sympathy, and virtual (or as its nearly 1!)

Take heart that by the time they are teens you may well be hitting menopause...... (as we have in our house!).

I think I worry more about the dp in this scenario to be fair.