I was a Big Evil SM :(

[size4riggerboots]

Well, I feel like I was anyway.

Since I last posted here over well over a year ago ( backstory here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/1846550-Hi-New-here-just-trying-to-figure-a-few-things-out-advice-welcomed ) things have been going well. I've been away at work for 253 days out of 365 (I just did my tax return), we bought a house, which DS loves too. She is now 8 and a half, and we still have a great relationship, still struggling with knife and fork, can read and tell the time but doesn't want to bother so says it's too hard. Plus, DP and Ex have got on well for the longest time ever, even now things are going tits up!

FYI I have been at sea since just after Christmas, and came home for 6 weeks leave at the end of April, so we've had 2 weekends with her.

1st weekend: So here's the issue: she sucks her thumb. (Ok, so she also needs asking 15 times before she does something and flies into a tantrum when she doesn't get her own way but we're mostly competent at dealing with those things). I realise that there are people who will say it should be stopped because of how it may affect her teeth, and those who will say let her do it it's a great comfort, and I understand both of those view points. Personally I think it encourages her to be babyish (there a multitude of other babyish habits, but that's for another time), and is possibly contributing to her being bullied at school. For these reasons, her mum is also of the opinion that she needs to stop sucking it, but her greatest weapon seems to be the threat of removal of the all hallowed i-pad. (Knowledge gained in the conversation I had with Ex herself, after the event..)

I (and DP) believe in the power of consequences, (frankly if I thought for a second I would ever in a million years get away with a short sharp smack across her bum, I would [never did any lasting damage to me and I damn well remembered the lesson]) so I threatened her with something much worse. Pepper sauce on the thumb. She looked suitably terrified and the thumb was absent for a while, over the rest of the weekend I continued to try this and it worked pretty well. She had a sleepover with 2 friends at our house (Ninja surprise attack of "Dad, can they sleep over?!?!?!" ....."Errrrr, if their mum doesn't mind" sigh) and was knackered on sunday morning. And when she's tired the thumb automatically goes into the mouth... Now, after telling a child the same thing over and over again every minute or so for half an hour (this may be an exaggeration but it felt like it) I was getting pretty damn annoyed. And I got the pepper sauce out of the cupboard.

Meanwhile her dad is also getting frustrated, for the same reasons as me, we're all in the kitchen at MIL's house, so she's talking too, and (Oh the power of hindsight and analysis) poor wee DS is getting just as fed up with it all as we are, and she's tired, so the thumb just keeps popping into that mouth.

I wasn't thinking like that at the time though. I felt like she was just doing it to piss us off. So I did it.

She was (understandably) not happy at this turn of events. However, the fireworks only lit when she licked it. I put tabasco-frikkin-sauce on her thumbs, how frikkin dumb am I?!? I realized immediately that I had gone too far, but hindsight, even a second after, is too late. Of course she rubbed her eyes then because she was crying. Oh god I felt bad. We washed her eye and then MIL swept her away from me for cuddles and comfort (she was [again, understandably] pissed off at me right then). When we'd all calmed down, I did apologize to DS and we had cuddles and then lunch and then the long drive north to return her to her mum. She called her mum from the car and I was surprised (and relieved) to note that she did not mention the incident. I decided that I ought to admit my mistake/fuck up to Ex at the handover and when I had she said that she'd rather I didn't do that I agreed and apologized again, deeply aware of how well within possibility it was that she could have thrown a huge fit at me (heck if the shoes were on the other feet..). I got hugs and kisses as we said goodbye (from DS, not ex!)

2nd weekend: So, it kinda felt like we'd gotten away with it. We had a great weekend, on friday I had a meal ready and waiting when they got in, bedtime not too unreasonable, saturday we visit my sister who has a toddler, DS and my nephew get on like a house on fire, DS is asking questions about whether she'd be part of mine and my sisters family if DP and I got married, lots of hugs all round... Sat eve we have the usual phone call to mum/ex and she comes up with the idea of a treat if DS only has to be told to stop sucking her thumb say, 3 times in a day. More than that, no treat. Super idea, says I, lets try that, and because she's been so busy and engaged all day we've barely had to tell her to take her thumb out so she gets a small chocolate egg and everyone is happy :) Sunday, I'm making my first ever roast leg of lamb (It was home grown, I come from a family of sheep farmers, this is as close as I come to religion) MIL comes over to us, they all watch a film, I cook in a happy domestic bliss... Watching TV being the second primary trigger for unconscious thumb sucking, it's popping into her mouth more and more, I'm keeping away from this though, it's her Dads job to deal with this one, I overstepped the mark once, not going to risk it again. So last weekend DP came up with the idea of masking tape around her thumbs, and decides to try this now. And actually, it works.

It worked up until the point that DS was told that, now the film was over she needed to practice her lines. (She wants to audition for a drama school). Didn't want to practice her lines. Gets out her phone and calls mum. Mum says she should do her lines. Suddenly the masking tape on her thumbs is the most awful thing ever, she can't get it off and she won't let anyone take it off because she's scared it will hurt. I do my very best, I'm on my knees, calm and soft voiced, offering to help but she doesn't want any of it, so I suggest that she needs to calm down and then tell us what she wants because we can't actually understand what she's saying, and maybe she should go and sit in her room while she calms down. She calmed down a lot after that, (perhaps because not being seen while you're being upset is not as effective). So after that's all cleared up, we have a lovely lunch (she ate everything and asked for seconds which is high praise indeed) and in the car journey north I only have to tell her three times to take her thumb out (so no treat..). Handover is happy happy, DS is excited about the prospect of next time we have her which will be a bit longer (half term) and we can go visit my folks in idyllic ...shire, (she LOVES the dog), Ex and I have a genuinely fun chat about DS's "boyfriend"... everything seems pretty peachy.

And now DS is apparently refusing to come down to see us, to the point where she would rather stay in her grandparents caravan than go home with her mum because "Daddy doesn't know where to find her and can't come and take her away". So suddenly we're at the point where Ex is saying she's going to break the court order, and we're going to have to pay for mediation, play therapy and generally jump through hoops again so that DP can see his child. The fact that Ex is still being calm and friendly and genuinely perplexed as to the origin of this behaviour is good, but I don't trust her parents not to be muttering things into DS's ear (their dislike of DP is intense, vitriolic and longstanding. In the years before DS was born, when DP and Ex were together and we were all friends she told us herself on may occasions how manipulative they were). However, I'm deeply worried that one of the driving factors may be that we've gone too hard on her about the thumb sucking thing and she now thinks that we're going to demonise her about it. The fact that she won't talk to her mum about it either suggests to me that perhaps we've almost gone too far on providing a united front...

It could be something completely different, but I really needed to vent all that anyway. I apologise for the ridiculously long post and thank you for bearing with me if you got this far.

You didn't learn from it or feel remorseful over what you did though did you...as you okayed your DP using masking tape on this poor girls thumb later

This post makes for very uncomfortable reading and brings back memories from my childhood. That poor girl, if the worst she does is suck her thumb then omg she's amazing.

I really think you shouldn't be around her. And good on her mum for protecting her child from a parent and step parent who seem very focused on harsh punishment for normal behaviour

You sound completely psychotic.

You would never, ever be near my child again. I'd make sure everyone knew what you had done. If I had to stop all contact with my children's dad to keep them safe from you I would. You are evil, and if your partner condoned your abuse then he is too.

You have absolutely no place anywhere a child.

Jesus god this reads like one of those books about early abuse. Leave that wee girl alone.

Wow.

My OH chews his fingers all the time. Chilli sauce - who knew?

The fact that you have gone straight to physical pain as a method of managing this, shows that you really are not in any position to be a parent or step parent.

Please leave well alone. Its a wonder the mother didnt report you to be honest.

I read this open mouthed and was so relieved to see that the chikds mother has protected her from you.
If have poured a bottle of Tabasco sauced down your throat you nasty bully.
Thank your lucky stars that her throat didn't swell up or you'd have been on a manslaughter charge.
Get some counselling too and work out your extreme control issues.

The child's parents have split up. She is staying away from her mum. She is probably anxious. Kids sometimes self sooth when anxious and thumb sucking is a classic. However she will grow out of it. Anyway not your issue. Let her mum deal with it. She isn't with you much so why is it up to you I take it on?

Your attitude and behaviour is very worrying.

And saying the chi,d was 'suitably terrified'. Why do you want to terrify a child? Awful bullying behaviour.

I think a break from "parenting" this child would be good for OP and her partner. Rather than be angry at needing mediation, they could use this time to get some counselling/do parenting classes.

This is the easy bit I assure you. Before you know it she'll be going through puberty.

I wouldn't want to stay with you. I would be petrified.
Thumb sucking is an irritating habit. Often something done when wanting comfort (perhaps they suck it more at yours as feel on edge, not quite settled?).

But it lessens as they get older. Let her mother worry about it. You work on making that child feel settled when visiting. though if you were my Dp you'd be going no where near my children again .

What will you do when other imperfections in them come to light? Or have you been already scaring her about other things and now she won't come near you or her father.

Poor child. I really feel for them. Personally I think her mother is wise to keep her away from you until she gets to the bottom of what's going on because there's something about your post that disturbs me.

Enjoy roasting your lamb but step back from the child and let her parents sort things out and find out why the girl is too scared to visit her father (and you).

You are an evil stepmother.
What you did was abusive, her father was just as bad because he let you.
I would never let you near my child.

Even your title suggests that it's all a bit of a joke to you really.

I'm a stepmum and have been for 13 years now. I would never have done this nor would my dh have taped his DS thumb and to be honest if we had behaved like this then DSS mum would have fought us all the way in court.
I think you guys are in potential trouble here. If mum breaks the contact order and your dp fights it then I rightly expect your dsd to be spoken to, what happens when they deem what you did abuse? Because it is. Make no mistake.

OP, as a total aside, "DS" is "Dear Son", "DSD" is "Dear Step Daughter" - just for future use it might make your posts clearer to some readers.

Omg that poor child, you sound awful, I would keep her well away from you if she was my dd

You have admitted to child cruelty in your post. You are an occasional part of this child's life due to the nature of your employment. Your boyfriend should use the time you are at sea to repair his relationship with his daughter. You need to leave parenting to the parents.

You need to stop being involved with disciplining trying to control this child.

You are step mum, not mum. You are there to support, cajole, inspire, mentor your step kids, not to discipline or control them. And I speak as a stepmum with a fantastic relationship with my two wonderful step kids (now adults) developed over 15 years.

WHY did you post this on mumsnet? What reaction were you looking for? Please answer OP because I am intrigued as to your completely baffling mindset here. Do you think you are a good step parent?

Size4, it takes a certain type of person to lead a seagoing life. I know I tried it and I hated it, I think it hardens you up, and emotions become bottled up or frozen. Things that are acceptable at sea are not the same ashore and others don't understand. You have to be a tough bird in a tough world, this is not how you should approach raising children. I think perhaps you need to step back a bit and assess the situation for what it is. You are a not a constant support figure in this girl's life. It seems you work for about 4 months at a time, and will have brief pockets of leave where you need to distress from long time away from home with little rest. But the girl will only see you a few times a year, parenting her is not your responsibility at all. Leave it to the parents, she is probably scared of you, and if your DP has become more adamant about the thumb sucking since you came along, then the girl will see you as the evil stepmother I'm afraid. Perhaps you should apologise to the girl and start again? Why do you have such a focus on strict discipline?

In your earlier (admittedly 2 years ago) post, you said your work cycle was 4 months away and 2 months at home, and your DP had his daughter every second weekend. If that's still the case, then you're seeing this girl about 8 weekends a year (plus extras for half-terms etc).

I think you need to back off thinking that you're a step mother and just be a loving adult in this child's life. Children need all the loving adults they can get, but they don't need that many people nagging them about their thumbs and spelling homework. Back off on the Supernanny, it's not appropriate if you're not consistently in the girl's life.

The girl's mother may have seemed calm when she talked to you, but been raging inside. She could have been hiding her feelings to avoid having an argument in front of her daughter. If someone told me that they had put chili sauce on my child's thumb (and eyes) and then wrapped tape on her thumbs to stop her sucking them, I may well have smiled calmly to their face, and phoned my lawyer as soon as they had left.

The poor little thing is probably terrified of even falling asleep when she's with you two Thumb will go on automatically and you or dad will come in and do something horrendous to herthat's how an 8 year old thinks.

The mum is being extremely sensible in her suggestion of mediation and play therapy.

You say "following your gut" is how this came about, that tells everyone how you roll- smacking and physical punishment are you're "gut". Well your "gut" is so way off what is right you need help/guidance because you haven't got a fucking clue. kindness and love should be at the forefront of bringing up a child.

Fwiw my dd sucked her thumb until she was 9. We talked about it and agreed that putting a plaster on her thumb would help her. Obviously she could take it off herself if she wanted to, and there was no pressure.

Her best friend then died when she was 17, the first thing that happened - she stated sucking her thumb again. Did I give a shit - no, because I'm not a psychopath.

yy to it reading like the early start to abuse as seen in those types of books. I can also echo this as it seeming very similar to the early start of abuse I suffered as a child.

Why is your OP phrased in the past tense? It's still quite glaringly correct

I think it is down to your partner and his ex to decide on the issues involving your DSC that need action and what action should be taken and for you to be consistent with their decision. Yes you screwed up but you know that and have held your hand up. Maybe it would help to look at why she is such a keen thumb sucker instead of punishing her. This is a young girl who has had her world torn apart when her parents split so thumb sucking may be a great source of comfort for her rather than a habit that annoys you all.