Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

ex wife has arranged 'family'day out - should i feel annoyed?

249 replies

tggirl · 22/05/2015 16:20

Bit of background- my partner and I have been together for 4 and a half years, I have 2 children in their late teens he has a son who is turning 6. Son lives with partner's ex wife and her boyfriend and he stays with us every other weekend.

It's his 6th birthday next month and as he is into lego we thought for his birthday treat we'd take him to Legoland the weekend before his birthday which is when he's with us. We've got the tickets several months ago and all is good.

Several weeks ago ex asked my partner if he'd give her a hand with the birthday party for a few hours, she was going to book a local activity centre for about 10 children and as her partner was away that weekend she needed help, this seemed a reasonable request so he agreed and I didn't mind. A few days later she texted to say son didn't want a party he wanted to go to Chessington instead and wanted Daddy to come as well. I wasn't happy with this plan and said so to my partner who said he think about it before replying

Fast forward to the other day when partner informs me he is going to Chessington with ex and son. I explained I wasn't happy and he should have discussed it with me before making the decision, after all he is spending the day with son prior to his birthday and son could have one to one special time with Mum the following week. Partner isn't happy about that as he said son specifically wanted him to spend the day with him and mummy and he didn't want to let him down.

Am I bad for thinking this is unacceptable on several counts or is this what other people do with their exs and children. I would never have considered this when my children were smaller. I am so annoyed with the ex wife as im sure she is playing some sort of game.

Please let me know what you think and if i should go cap in hand and apologise to my partner for being so cross about this.

OP posts:
AGirlCalledBoB · 22/05/2015 20:41

Surely it's done now, unless op is going to stand in front of her oh and tell him she forbids him from going there really is nothing she can do. He wants to go, his son wants him to go and the ex is happy for him to join them for the sake of a birthday outing. He can hardly tell his son no now and disappoint him, he has already been told about it.

I would just look to the positives now, know you are secure with your oh and try to stop thinking they are all cosy together. Then next time, you can try to avoid it happening.

Branleuse · 22/05/2015 20:44

i cant imagine either my dp or my exes dw going for that at all, and playing into a small boys fantasy of his mummy and daddy being together will not help

Snoozybird · 22/05/2015 20:53

But there is something the OP can do, she can go with them. If the ex would feel uncomfortable with this then she should either put her feelings aside for the sake of her child, or recognise the situation as being innapropriate in the first place and backtrack. Seeing as the OP does so much childcare for the lad she's not exactly a stranger so I'm sure the little boy would be pleased to have three adults all making a big fuss of him on the day not just two.

donemekmelarf · 22/05/2015 20:56

But there is something the OP can do, she can go with them. If the ex would feel uncomfortable with this then she should either put her feelings aside for the sake of her child

Exactly.
The OP is being expected to put her feelings aside for the sake of the child, why can't the ex do something similar?

den1se10 · 22/05/2015 21:12

My parents divorced when I was 9 and my dad remarried when I was 14. She was a lovely woman and my friend...she meant a lot to me BUT I do have some resentment towards her, simply because she never allowed me to be alone/have time with my dad. I sound so childish...however it really used to upset me. There was one occasion when I was getting a prize from school and I really wanted my mum and dad to be present, this was about a year after they split.
My dad didn't come...I was devastated and found out later that it was because my stepmum didn't want him to be around my mum.
Just another perspective...

Quesera21 · 22/05/2015 21:18

As many of you will know,I have a useless Ex whose ability to find time for his DCs is crap.

However, for each birthday and we try at least once per month to take them out together for a meal. The DCs know, this is ask Mum and Dad time, tell the other parent with the other one sitting there, that they do not like something, miss something etc.some amazing, sad, funny and embarrassing stuff has come out - but it has also allowed us both to address some issues without saying the other was making it up and being nasty. Eg, being fed certain foods in one house that made them ill, bed times in both houses ( rare that they are down there but it mattered to them) computers, TV access all sorts.

Birthdays is about their mum and Dad being with them if that is what they want.

My DCs are not confused, they are always sad when their Dad leaves them to go home, because they have no clue about when they will next see him. They know nothing else is happening. This is not about playing happy families, it is about showing our kids that two adults can be their parents regardless.

As a few others have said - get a grip.You can not ignore that another family does still exist to those children and your DP is part of the childrens family. Not the EX - the children

Snoozybird · 22/05/2015 21:24

I understand your perspective den1se but the school prize thing is a little different in that it's a public occasion where your parents would both happen to be at the same event, your dad was unreasonable not to attend in those circumstances. The OP's scenario is about deliberately engineering an unsustainable set-up.

Sorry you were upset, I don't think you sound childish.

yellowdaisies · 22/05/2015 21:49

I don't think kids get confused that easily. They know their parents don't live together and have new partners. They know that birthdays are special occasions. Just like if their gran comes to stay for Christmas, they know she'll go home again after.

AGirlCalledBoB · 22/05/2015 21:56

this is just my opinion but I just think it's a bit childish and insecure of the op. I mean really he is not going to shag her behind a rollercoaster on their son's birthday. What is the worst that will happen? they have moved on, she has a new partner and it's been many years since she was with the oh, and I assume op trusts her oh with other women. Just because you want your partner, does not mean every other woman does, they are a ex for a reason.

I very doubt it will harm the boy, he does not remember his parents together and he knows he has step-parents. Just let the kid enjoy the outing on his birthday. I think it's sweet he wanted to invite dad.

Would I feel uncomfortable with it myself? Probably ex's are always awkward but would I do anything to stand in the way? Not a chance. Better parents get on than arguing all the time with a kid stuck in the middle, and I say that from experience.

It's easy to imagine your oh and his ex being all cosy cosy, but at a theme park I very much doubt that will be the case.

Blu · 22/05/2015 22:07

I had an ex who had a child - I was with him from when the child was 5 til about 10, I knew the child's mother, was quite friendly with her, and her new DP, and once a year my DP and his ex used to take their DS camping for a week.

No confusion about anyone getting back together, it helped everyone that they all stayed friendly, it helped their DS that they knew so much about the parenting that went on, and so knew more about the DS, in a funny kind of way, the Ds was very happy and stable and has grown up to be a fantastic and happy young man.

I don't think people need feel they SHOULD do any one model of managing after a split, but I do feel quite strongly that new partners have to give the parents of any child their own unpressured choice as to how to handle it.

SurlyCue · 22/05/2015 22:50

The OP is being expected to put her feelings aside for the sake of the child, why can't the ex do something similar?

Not similar. The child's mother would be putting her feelings aside to pander to the insecurities of the adult partner of the child's father (whose special day it isnt). Not at all the same as OP accepting her partner spending his child's birthday with him.

OP's scenario is about deliberately engineering an unsustainable set-up

a child has asked his dad to come with him on his birthday. He is 6. He isnt deliberately engineering anything. Why are you projecting adult motives onto a child?

Momagain1 · 22/05/2015 23:05

But there is something the OP can do, she can go with them. If the ex would feel uncomfortable with this then she should either put her feelings aside for the sake of her child

Exactly.
The OP is being expected to put her feelings aside for the sake of the child, why can't the ex do something similar?

The mother and step mother, two adult women, getting into some sort of emotional duel is absolutely the worst advice possible.

It's one day. I very much doubt the child has any illusions about them remarrying. I am not sure if indulging his 6-year old whim to have his mum and dad both to himself for once will be a good thing or a bad thing. But i do think forcing him to accept the presence of adults he did not want invited is likely to backfirein the long run. Give him this one damned birthday. As dream birthday parties go, it's pretty uncomplicated, really. After that, if he tries to demand more and more of this sort of thing, each of his parents will have to help him deal with that. But can he have just this one birthday out of his whole life to remember as being just what he wanted?

Snoozybird · 22/05/2015 23:24

Surly where did I say it was the DS engineering the set up? I was referring to the adults, it didn't even cross my mind that my comment could possibly be interpreted as applying to a child that young.

The OP stated that DP's ex said the DS wanted his dad to come along to their day out. Who knows how that request was actually phrased, seeing the amount of childcare the OP provides it could just as easily have been "mummy, can daddy and tggirl come too?"

SurlyCue · 22/05/2015 23:33

The OP stated that DP's ex said the DS wanted his dad to come along to their day out. Who knows how that request was actually phrased, seeing the amount of childcare the OP provides it could just as easily have been "mummy, can daddy and tggirl come too?"

Ok so you are saying the child's mother has deliberately engineered it? After at least 4 and a half years separated she has suddenly decided she wants a day alone with her ex husband so either convinced the child to ask his dad to come along or ommitted the fact that OP was definitely invited by the child?

Do people really find it so hard to believe that a child would say, of his own volition, "can daddy come to my birthday?" And that its just that simple? Does it always have to be some manipulative agenda concocted in the evil mind of the psycho ex wife? Hmm

Quesera21 · 22/05/2015 23:46

No sodding way is his new DP (the OW) or my DP coming to our meals.

This is about the DCs - not about anyone else.

chaos1234 · 23/05/2015 06:17

I can understand why your not happy about it I wouldn't be either and I would imagine my partner would be a bit pissed off if I went out with my ex and kids and out of respect to my partner i wouldnt go , its Opening flood gates as far as I'm concerned , what's next year's birthday wish going to be ? I have to wonder what his EX's partner thinks about it ? My partner has 2 girls and 3 boys his boys are not a problem but the girls don't like to share there daddy lol and there old enough to work it ,, so I would imagine if it happened once it would happen again much to the delight of his ex .

Romeyroo · 23/05/2015 07:09

Quesera, with respect, your situation is different, your meals are one way you ensure DC see their dad and you discuss co-parenting matters, because your Ex sounds quite uninvolved otherwise and really, it is a way you ensure some parenting and involvement on his part happens.

The OP in this scenario is actually providing a good deal of the parenting; she is not a partner the children hardly see - she is a daily presence in his life.

When DD was little (her dad met her now step mum when she was a baby), we did do stuff together because it was the way of getting him involved in her life, even if only an hour or two. I didn't know now stepmom and he were living together for two years, by which time DD had a half-sister. At which point, I hit the roof at him excluding DD from an important part of HER life. Thereafter, she went to his house

That is the point, OP is an important part of the little boys life now as she looks after him daily and in the holidays and is his stepmother - for them not even to consider how she might feel is beyond rude. She is not the childminder, she is not an OW who the children hardly see - she is the little boy's stepmother who is there daily.

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 23/05/2015 08:11

FWIW my dsc would love their mum and dad to do stuff together but dp won't do it.

He used to when he was single. He would go on Christmas morning etc but after he met me that stopped. His decision. not mine. I've never told him not to do something. I would express my opinion but ultimately it would be his choice. I wouldn't feel comfortable with him going for a day out with the ex. But only because she is a bit nasty and would have an alterier motive and I couldnt be arsed with the drama.

Lioninthesun · 23/05/2015 08:23

I agree this is more likely not to be the healthiest thing for a 6 yr old - when my parents split I honestly thought they would get back together for years! It took a display of physical violence on a doorstep resulting me having to visit by train to one parent that quashed that idea.

I also agree all together would be healthiest, but if that is unlikely then OP really needs to look at why she is worried. I understand the pangs of jealousy, but really honestly does she think they are going to go off into the sunset together? You have to remember all of the reasons it didn't work for both of them. How happy are you with him? Has this come on the back of something which has made you insecure?

I think if you cannot go, which would be the ideal, then you need to focus on your Legoland trip instead. I imagine they will bicker and bring up old arguments on this day when DS is on rides or whatever and it will end up a disaster with a smiley face plastered all over it for his sake.

RedDwarfPosse · 23/05/2015 08:41

My partner has a DS to a previous partner, and it's all very friendly and amicable between all of us. My DPs family still keep in touch with with her. I like that there's no animosity - despite her leaving him for someone else just months after having a baby together DP and his family have kept things reasonable and friendly for the sake of his DS.

BUT he would never be spending days out as a temporary reformed family unit just for special occasions like birthdays...because he's already tried it

Prior to meeting me he was invited to a holiday with his ex, their DS and her parents...but it was so awkward, and they didn't actually include him in activities he spent most of the holiday on his own.

It was highly confusing for their DS so now DP maintains an amicable relationship with his ex, but insists they remain 'seperate' so that their DS understands that mum and dad are not together, and never will be. And whatever we do for special occasions is seperate from her plans, and always includes me and the younger we now have together so he understands he has two family units

FretYeNotAllIsShiny · 23/05/2015 09:06

I can see how it might be highly confusing in the early days of a split, but the birthday boy is used to his parents being separated, I should imagine he sees his parents as two separate family units but both belonging to him. And on this occasion he wants both his parents with him. I don't think that's unreasonable. It would have been nice if the OP had been invited though.

Quesera21 · 23/05/2015 09:18

Accept the meals are not the same- but the birthdays are.

His DS asked him to go - there is no way whether we know if this has come from the mother. So to make assumptions that everyone is being thoughtless and manipulative is taking it too far.

My DCs all ask for Dad to be there on their birthdays, it does not come from me. This is about the child not the parents.

I can see why OP is miffed but this is not about her.I wish I had her as a SM to my DCS!

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 23/05/2015 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyCatIsAGit · 23/05/2015 09:39

The op's sh and his ex and the child all have shared memories, part of being a family is sharing those. My situation is different as the kids are older (teens and twenties) now and his ex pretty regularly comes round here for tea or family occasions. And they share stories about when they were all a family. I sometimes feel a bit left out, but it's important that they have those shared stories, it's part of being a family.

So, this little threesome going off for a day together could be seen as part of that building up a new history. Let them go, be happy about it. This will all seem a storm in a tea cup soon.

10 years ago when we first got together ny Dhaka would still go round for tea with ex and kids or out for a special meal, that's part of them, I'd go sometimes, other times I'd have something else on, but I thought it was important they have time together...

Apathyisthenewblah · 23/05/2015 23:15

I don't think this is jealousy, my DP has 2 dcs and although on their birthday they have parties with both parents there they would not have a "family" day out because the family looks different now.
For quite a while DSS hoped his mum and dad would get back together and asked for days like this. DP and his ex firmly but gently stopped it so he would not get any false hope. Amicable does not need to extend to family days out when the family no longer exists.