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Step-parenting

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Original poster

ex wife has arranged 'family'day out - should i feel annoyed?

249 replies

tggirl · 22/05/2015 16:20

Bit of background- my partner and I have been together for 4 and a half years, I have 2 children in their late teens he has a son who is turning 6. Son lives with partner's ex wife and her boyfriend and he stays with us every other weekend.

It's his 6th birthday next month and as he is into lego we thought for his birthday treat we'd take him to Legoland the weekend before his birthday which is when he's with us. We've got the tickets several months ago and all is good.

Several weeks ago ex asked my partner if he'd give her a hand with the birthday party for a few hours, she was going to book a local activity centre for about 10 children and as her partner was away that weekend she needed help, this seemed a reasonable request so he agreed and I didn't mind. A few days later she texted to say son didn't want a party he wanted to go to Chessington instead and wanted Daddy to come as well. I wasn't happy with this plan and said so to my partner who said he think about it before replying

Fast forward to the other day when partner informs me he is going to Chessington with ex and son. I explained I wasn't happy and he should have discussed it with me before making the decision, after all he is spending the day with son prior to his birthday and son could have one to one special time with Mum the following week. Partner isn't happy about that as he said son specifically wanted him to spend the day with him and mummy and he didn't want to let him down.

Am I bad for thinking this is unacceptable on several counts or is this what other people do with their exs and children. I would never have considered this when my children were smaller. I am so annoyed with the ex wife as im sure she is playing some sort of game.

Please let me know what you think and if i should go cap in hand and apologise to my partner for being so cross about this.

OP posts:

Tolateforsorry1 · 23/05/2015 23:22

If op babysits him after school every night and has him in school holidays why hasn't she been asked to join them?

I find that odd. She is part of the family when they need free child care but not 'real' family on family days out.

CandyLane · 24/05/2015 08:44

My DH would never dream of going off on a day out with his ex and the kids, not because he doesn't want to make the kids happy but simply because they are not together anymore and so the days of having 'family' days outs are over.
For the first few years after he split with his ex they would attend birthday parties and he'd go to her family doo's too, and when I started a relationship with him I would go too, I found it a bit awkward at times but I thought it was nice that we could all get on and it was what was best for the kids. But he would never have left me at home to go to something I was being excluded from, and he certainly never would have gone on a day out with his ex and the kids.

I split with my ex when i was pregnant with our DS so he's never known his mum and dad together but I still think there's a part of him that wishes we were together. Again I'd never dream of going for a day out just me, my ex and our DS for several reasons:
DS has his own relationship with his dad that doesn't involve me, I've never been a part of it and I don't want to intrude on it.
I don't want to give DS mixed messages.
It would be disrespecting both our new partners who have both been involved in our DS's lives since he was a baby, I feel it would be almost like pretending they didn't exist.

I have a fairly good relationship with DS's dad and I always invite him to his birthday parties, I've invited him and his partner round on xmas day etc, we're all civil, no jealousy etc...but I think days out as just mum, dad and child are just a step too far which I don't feel is necessary or healthy.

TheoriginalLEM · 24/05/2015 08:48

i understand how you feel. i would struggle with this but would have to concede.

TheoriginalLEM · 24/05/2015 08:49

Actually, could you go too ?

Romeyroo · 24/05/2015 09:09

CandyLane, I think that is really well put.

Wdigin2this · 24/05/2015 09:51

Well, shoot me down in flames but I would not be happy with this kind of arrangement, I understand exactly how you feel about this OP! The child wants his parents together for his birthday treat, what happens when dad goes home to his new partner, the child is disappointed all over again because mummy and daddy are not getting back together?! I know some posters on this forum feel that everything is about the children, but it just can't always be, sometimes they can't have what they want, that's life that's reality! If the OP was included in this trip, and the child's parents made a real effort to make it work, then that would set the 'normal' for the future for everyone!

lunar1 · 24/05/2015 09:55

I think it's really sad that some posters on here would begrudge a child having a single day with his mum and dad. Yes there are some circumstances where it wouldn't be suitable if the child was likely to be confused. But this boy hasn't asked for his parents to live together, he has asked for a simple day out with his parents.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 24/05/2015 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Reginafalangie · 24/05/2015 11:09

I am with you lunar. I hate the way that some feel having a second family means fathers can no longer do anything with their first children.

I get on amazingly with my ex we do spend our DC's birthdays as a family doing whatever the children choose. My DP and his DP luckily are rational adults who don't have a problem with it and understand it has nothing to do with us and all to do with our children. It is 1 day out of a whole year and the spiteful jealous new partners are the ones with the problem.

I mean do some of you fear your hold/control over your DP's will be diminished by 1 day out? I couldn't be that controlling or insecure in my relationship.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 24/05/2015 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 24/05/2015 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floralnomad · 24/05/2015 11:36

Surely the healthiest /best way to manage blended families is for all the adults involved to be involved and all get along together not for anyone to be excluded . I don't think this has anything to do with jealousy / control .

Tequilashotsfor1 · 24/05/2015 11:47

They should all go. op is a very active part of this little boys life so she Shoukd have been included. She is is family and he should be encourage to see that. Or is she only family when child care is needed?

Tequilashotsfor1 · 24/05/2015 11:51

regina bully for you if your set up is like that. A lot of families are not. It's not down to jelousy, spite or being irrational. Families are complicated.

Your post is really smug

Reginafalangie · 24/05/2015 11:52

If it isn't spitefulness and jealousy then what it it?

Why be unhappy about it?

What does it matter, going out as parents on their child's birthday has no bearing on your relationship with the father so what is there to be unhappy about? If the parents get on well and can do that then I don't see what the issue is.

I hate the way some SM demand to be involved at every turn. The relationship they have with their child has nothing to do with the SP. Why can't they just be different relationships?

Mum, dad & child.

SM, dad & child + any SDC.

SF, mum & child + any SDC.

Couples split up and are no longer couples but they will always be mum and dad, why must some SM try and stop this or make it difficult. I will never understand it and personally that kind of thinking is never good for the children involved.

Reginafalangie · 24/05/2015 11:54

Your post is really smug

Ahhh so because the adults involved in my childrens lives are grown ups who think and act like grown ups that makes me smug Whatever.

I would much rather be smug than a stroppy diva who makes demands on when, where and how my DP spends time with his children.

Tolateforsorry1 · 24/05/2015 11:55

regina is the op has nothing to do with the child why do they use her for a lot of child care?

Reginafalangie · 24/05/2015 11:58

I didn't say she had nothing to do with the child I said she has nothing to do with the mum & dad relationship. There is a difference.

End of the day the little boy has asked for his father to come not the OP/SM. He is clearly aware he is celebrating with his dad and SM at a later date so HE wants to celebrate with his mum and dad. what is so wrong with that?

Tequilashotfor1 · 24/05/2015 12:06

Why isolate relationships? Why can't everybody be included as a family?

Where will it end ? Half siblings not included because the child wants exclusivity to bio parents.

Life doesn't work like that. And like you said you are lucky. It could have been a very different story. And as you have no experience of what it's like to be on the other side of the fence, your smugness is really closed minded and offensive to sp who work really hard to pull a family together.

Tequilashotfor1 · 24/05/2015 12:07

I didn't say she had nothing to do with the child I said she has nothing to do with the mum & dad relationship. There is a difference

Yeah there is a difference. She is being used as a glorified babysitter. For free.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 24/05/2015 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DaisyStarLight · 24/05/2015 12:11

I think the ex wife should invite the stepmum as well. Explains to the child that mum and dad will be there but so will your step mum but the partner is away so can't be there. Explain to the child he has two homes where he is loved in each. If he wants mum and dad there he needs to know that their partners will be there too. Sm is not just a babysitter but his family too.

JakieOH · 24/05/2015 12:14

Surely what works for one family won't necessarily work for all? It depends on the dynamics in the relationships etc. So saying 'I wouldn't have a problem with it, why would you' isn't really fair.

Just a thought

Reginafalangie · 24/05/2015 12:16

Yeah there is a difference. She is being used as a glorified babysitter. For free.

Then that is down to the OP her DH and the ex to sort. It is not down to the child so he why should he lose out?

Also it isn't isolating relationships it is respecting them. They are mum and dad to that little boy and that is a separate relationship to what the OP has and it will always be separate. I wouldn't expect the DM to start involving herself in the SM and DF relationship for example inviting herself to legoland. The OP hasn't asked DM if she wants to come along that is clearly a birthday outing for DF, SM and child so why is it ok for the SM to want to be involved in the DM., DF and child celebration?

Reginafalangie · 24/05/2015 12:20

Surely what works for one family won't necessarily work for all? It depends on the dynamics in the relationships etc. So saying 'I wouldn't have a problem with it, why would you' isn't really fair.

Just a thought smile

This is true but it is clear from the OP that DM and DF do get on and he was happy to help out for the party. If this isn't the norm in some ex relationships then fine but what bothers me is those that experience this then lambast everyone else who do get saying it's bad for the children, it's weird, it's bonkers.

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