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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Possibly Moving away and DSD wants to come?

146 replies

SleepAnyone · 20/04/2015 10:50

Very early days but I may have chance to move to other side of the world for 4 years. My DH and I know if I am lucky enough to be accepted then this is an opportunity of a lifetime.

It is not an easy decision to make - I know my DS will come with us but DH has a DD and a DS. DD really wants to come with us but DS is only 9 and is to young really.

We don't even know how to broach this subject with ex. We have told the DC that it is very early days and it is just something we are thinking about but DD is adamant that she wants to come, DH told her that it means leaving her mom and DS, friends etc and that is a massive decision to make and we have really down played it and focused on the negatives. I accept that she may well change her mind.

I know it is selfish of me for to want DH to come and leave his DC behind and I feel even worse that one wants to come and the other wouldn't as it means splitting the family up either way.

Legally where do we stand if DSD did want to come and mom says no(if I am honest I can not blame her) DSD is 15. Are we being massively unfair and selfish even thinking about going? Should we just tell DSD that she can join us in a couple of years if we are still there and she wants? When we were talking to her she said well you wouldn't go without Sleeps son so you shouldn't go without me.

OP posts:

CharlesRyder · 20/04/2015 10:57

Maybe she could finish her education in the UK and then join you for a gap year before university?

SoupDragon · 20/04/2015 11:00

I think her education is a very valid point TBH.

Cabbagesaregreen · 20/04/2015 11:04

How does your dh feel? How frequently would he see his dc? I can see why their mum would find this difficult. It would be hard for her having to deal with tthe left behind 9 year old although I wouldn't be happy with a 15 year old going. What about her schooling? Can you put her in school which does gcses ?

wannaBe · 20/04/2015 11:09

imo yes it is selfish wanting your dh to move to the other side of the world and leave his dc's behind. Essentially you are expecting him to choose you over his dc's and to compromise his relationship with them, and it will change their relationship hugely.

How does access currently work at the moment? assuming that you currently have 50/50 this would obviously change to the dc's mum becoming resident parent with limited access for your dh. This would also affect the amount of maintenance he would need to pay.

And yes, as resident parent your dh's ex could prevent him from taking her out of the country.

Original poster

SleepAnyone · 20/04/2015 11:22

DH is torn. He does not want to leave his DC's behind but knows if he doesn't give it a go then he could be giving up a fantastic opportunity. It is a 4 year move.

I agree her education is important, she is expected to get mainly E's and D's in most subjects so we would not want this to drop any lower. In reality he would probably only get to see them during there 6 week and Christmas holidays when we could collect them and take them back or come and stay over here.

I totally get where mom would be coming from. I would be heart broken at one of my kids left behind and one leaving to go to other side of the world.

In fact if I was her I would be fuming at us for considering leaving with or without the kids. We have them EW and most holidays and live in same town so see them a lot.

The more I think about it the more impossible it seems. I know my options are to take DH, me and DS away from his kids, take kids away from their mom, leave DH behind and and split me DH and my DS up or give up on my dream.

OP posts:

Original poster

SleepAnyone · 20/04/2015 11:31

I don't disagree wannabe although from a maintenance point of view we would never short change the kids either way.

OP posts:

riverboat1 · 20/04/2015 11:33

I do tend to think it is a bit selfish to do a move like this. DP got offered a great job in my home country, which I would love to move back to (we live in his home country), but neither of us really saw it as an option as it would take him away from his DS.

Original poster

SleepAnyone · 20/04/2015 11:34

On the other hand if I don't do this for DH and his kids then that means my DS also loses a life changing experience.

OP posts:

ChinUpChestOut · 20/04/2015 11:34

To me, it sounds as though your DSD sees this as a great opportunity to get away from her current life. To be predicted mainly E's and D's at GCSEs suggests that she is either very unacademic, or a very unmotivated student.

If she is unacademic, would she be even accepted at an International School? Like many UK private schools, international schools (depending on the country) can be picky about who they accept. If she is intelligent enough but currently unmotivated, how will she convince the school that this will change when she will be away from her mother and all her friends, and everything will be new and challenging?

Another question you need to ask is will your employer pay the school fees? Typically, if it is your job that takes you overseas, you and your DH will have to have full custody of your DSD before she becomes eligible to have the school fees paid.

And finally, if your DSD does not envisage going to school(!), would she get a resident visa where you are going?

I think there's enough there to be vague with your DSD until you know for certain whether or not you are going abroad. Then you can work out how to broach this with her Mum. It may be that your DSD has raised this/will raise this anyway. And it may also be the fresh start that she needs which (just possibly) her Mum will realise. Either way, I think you have some waffle and fudge time before you have to start thinking about it seriously.

hillyhilly · 20/04/2015 11:36

I think that to take the move, however great an opportunity it might be, would be selfish and not in the best interests of the children and your DH.
It's a bummer but there can not be a happy outcome to your moving across the world when your DH has children in the UK

MaddingCrowd · 20/04/2015 11:36

Sorry but have to judge your DH for considering it. Living so far away from your children no matter how great the opportunity should be unthinkable.

MaddingCrowd · 20/04/2015 11:38

If I was the ExW I would be devastated that my ExDH would be willing to leave our DC.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 20/04/2015 11:44

I don't think this should have been mentioned until it was absolute thatching had got the job. You have potentially created an absolute shit storm for nothing

That said, I do not think that your DH shoukd be considering moving away. He has 3 DC and I would hope he wants to see them all equally. That can't be done from another country so it's not feasible. I'm actually quite surprised he is countenancing this

wannaBe · 20/04/2015 11:47

agree. I would think far less of my ex if he decided to move abroad thus compromising his relationship with ds. I would also question my own relationship with a man who was prepared to move so far away from his children, and it would leave me under no illusions as to how my own children would be treated in the event of a split.

Also op, is your ds your dh's child? because if you move away now you will also be compromising his relationship with his brother and sister, and four years out of a child's life is a lot, and that relationship would most likely never return to what it previously was.

Your ds won't be missing out on an opportunity of a lifetime, he will be able to create his own opportunities as he grows up, but your dsc will be missing out on a relationship with their father, something which can never be replaced.

As for dsd, I wouldn't give her a choice. There's no way that a split in the family can be justified just because she wants to go. She is still a child and as such she wouldn't be getting to decide to leave her mum and brother behind...

Original poster

SleepAnyone · 20/04/2015 11:55

I quite expect to be judged, that is why I came on here so that people wold be brutal because the thoughts keep spinning round in my head. I also don't disagree with what anyone is saying.

DH has 2 kids, my DS is not his. I don't know if push came to shove if DH would actually be able to leave his DC. DSD was on my phone and went through my emails - that is how she knows about it.

It was someone who approached me regarding a job that started it.

As I say I genuinely do not disagree with any of the points people have made and I feel selfish and heartbroken myself. Not even sure if I could leave my DSC's if it came to it.

OP posts:

Endler32 · 20/04/2015 11:59

If I was your dh's ex there would be no way I would let my daughter go, if she doesn't agree to it then It won't happen. I think this will cause a lot of tension between your dh and his children ( and their mother ). You need to consider everyone involved, not just you and your ds, taking a father away from his children, possibly taking a child away from her mother and leaving the other child behind. Yes it will be amazing for you and you ds but not for everyone else involved .

ThisFenceIsComfy · 20/04/2015 12:00

If you want to take the job, then I'm afraid the only way forward is for you and your DS to go alone. I'm not judging you at all. I just think you cannot take DSD away from her mum and your DH cannot leave her behind.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 20/04/2015 12:01

DSD was on my phone and went through my emails - that is how she knows about it.

What?! The correct response to that would have been to give her an absolute bollocking and refuse to discuss it with her, surely?

MaddingCrowd · 20/04/2015 12:11

What is this magical place and job? What makes you think it's an opportunity of a life time for your DS? Is it just the opportunity to live in another country or is this somewhere really exceptional like French Polynesia or something?

springalong · 20/04/2015 12:12

I am going to post a different point of view. We all know that great opportunities in life don't come along very often. So I think you need to give due consideration to all aspects. Your career, DH career, DS life (children benefit enormously from experiencing different cultures), SC lives, financial, other family impact etc.

Can you talk to anyone in a similar position? Eg many forces and Foreign office families - children board in the UK so only see families at holiday time. This would be similar to your DH. With Skype and texting he can talk to them daily at little to no cost.

I wouldn't give up your dream yet. Regrets are very painful to live with.

wannaBe · 20/04/2015 12:13

tbh op this is just one of the compromises that have to be made if you A, get together with someone who has children, or B, have children and are separated from their other parent. Sometimes life plans just have to take a back seat because of the impact on the dc.

My dp doesn't live locally to me. We would like to live together, but me moving to be with him is not an option because I wouldn't move ds away from his dad. So if we want to live together dp will have to be the one who relocates. Even in terms of looking for work I am stuck here and limited as to where I can apply because of not being able to move ds.

As for dsd going through your phone I would have hit the roof and my phone would henceforth have been off-limits.

I am not judging your desire to take this job fwiw, but I do think that you should have realised it was a non starter before even thinking about it as a possibility, because in truth it isn't a possibility unless you want to separate from your dh.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/04/2015 12:16

"she is expected to get mainly E's and D's in most subjects "
International schools do not WANT students like this, they want high flyers.
No offence, my DD is predicted Ds and Es too.

Original poster

SleepAnyone · 20/04/2015 12:19

She did get a bollocking, she had already spread the news to my DS who I hadn't told and her DB which is why we had no choice but to discuss it.

She is a bit in the unacademic and definitely not motivated but if I am honest I think it is more down to her attendance than actual lack of ability. She stays up at her moms until all hours then is to knackered to either go to school or concentrate whilst she is there, she is savvy enough about things she is interested in. She has a very volatile relationship with mom and mom is always telling her she should just pack her stuff and move in with us. DSD knows though that we are not such push overs. That said I don't believe that mom really feels like this - think she just uses it to try and threaten her.

I am glad for everything that everyone is saying. I think this has helped me as it was all things that I have been thinking and I guess I would not have been so conflicted if I really felt it was fair on anyone.

OP posts:

BackCrackandNappySack · 20/04/2015 12:20

I think this is the sort of situation where you simply acknowledge that you cannot go. It's tough on you, but that's blended families for you.

Don't make you DH, his children or their mother suffer for it. It's not all about you I'm afraid.

And even if DSD did want to come, moving her at 15 will be fraught with difficulties and it's really not a good idea unless you have no choice.

BackCrackandNappySack · 20/04/2015 12:21

And totally agree with what Sunny said, you might find it very hard indeed to even get her a place a decent school.

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