Possibly Moving away and DSD wants to come?

[SleepAnyone]

Very early days but I may have chance to move to other side of the world for 4 years. My DH and I know if I am lucky enough to be accepted then this is an opportunity of a lifetime.

It is not an easy decision to make - I know my DS will come with us but DH has a DD and a DS. DD really wants to come with us but DS is only 9 and is to young really.

We don't even know how to broach this subject with ex. We have told the DC that it is very early days and it is just something we are thinking about but DD is adamant that she wants to come, DH told her that it means leaving her mom and DS, friends etc and that is a massive decision to make and we have really down played it and focused on the negatives. I accept that she may well change her mind.

I know it is selfish of me for to want DH to come and leave his DC behind and I feel even worse that one wants to come and the other wouldn't as it means splitting the family up either way.

Legally where do we stand if DSD did want to come and mom says no(if I am honest I can not blame her) DSD is 15. Are we being massively unfair and selfish even thinking about going? Should we just tell DSD that she can join us in a couple of years if we are still there and she wants? When we were talking to her she said well you wouldn't go without Sleeps son so you shouldn't go without me.

because I'd tell any spouse of mine who even suggested that I leave my kids behind at that age not to let the door hit them on the way out Well he may well do that to me expat - that is assuming that that was the way the conversation went.

It was a job opportunity which was mentioned to me that would financially see us significantly better off.

We discussed about the merits of me taking the opportunity to the next stage and as I have said several times had not really gone much further into it until DSD went through my phone which was on charge in the kitchen and then told my DS and my DSS.

We have told them it is very early and just discussions. I am NOT just disregarding ANY of the children and I am not asking anyone to abandon them.

If I was that kind of person then I could equally not take this further and tell DH that he can only pay maintenance inline with CSA guidelines (instead of the additional that I contribute towards as my earnings are higher anyway) to make up for a small snip of the money that I am losing for our family by not taking it. BUT that would make me a completely selfish bitch.

op, no-one has said you are encouraging your dh to abandon his children. But there are plenty of other people on this thread who are encouraging you to do just that, because how dare children wat to be their parents' priority for the time that they are, you know, children.

And to whoever said that a nine year old could travel independently from here to Australia there is no way I would allow it at age nine. A single flight to e.g. the US/Europe yes, but a 24 hour flight from here to Australia including a stop in Dubai/Singapore/hongkong and then the same back with a possibly upset child because they don't know when they might get to see their parent again? no way.

Hey OP, blended families are tough. Ignore the comments that are nasty to you and your DH. They are just unhelpful. Clearly you care about everyone in your family.

If you want the job and it's what's best for you and DH then take it. Give DH a veto. Take DSD with you if you could stand it. Her life doesn't sound like it's going anywhere good. Skype with the other one and get back when you can. Just because you have a blended family doesn't mean you don't get to take opportunities like this.

TBH I would take DSD and DS if DSD was 16 and her parents agreed to it. It may be a possibility that I go and DH stay and DSD comes out to me when she has finished her GCSE's.

I think the job is a fantastic opportunity for me but it sounds like it is at the expense of the rest of the family and if I am completely honest I know that anyway which is why I came on here - I suppose to have my own thoughts validated.

Haven't read all thread yet but I would go but be prepared to leave your DSCs behind. You can ask the DM if your DSD can come but be prepared to accept her answer gracefully.

At the very worst, your DSCs can come out for school holidays and contact is easily maintained over the Internet these days.

Just another side - I frequent the Living Overseas board quite a bit here, and it seems that living costs in most Australian cities, particularly Sydney, are significantly higher than in the UK. If you factor in that, plus costs of flights back say once a year, plus potential loss of income for DH, are you sure you'd be so much better off financially? Its definitely worth looking into if you haven't already.

Has anyone considered the mother of these children ? ( not read whole thread so apologies if she has been mentioned ) ,

She might be happy for the kids to have this opportunity with their dad and see it as good thing .

I'm not saying it wouldn't break her her heart to not have them full time but she might see the good in it especially if there are provisions being made for regular contact visits .

Have you spoken to her OP .. What's her thoughts on it ?

I personally wouldn't consider going until your DSS is old enough to fly as an accompanied [by airline staff] minor. I think he has to be 12.
Will the new job give your DH sufficient funds to travel to the UK at least once a year, and have his children visit him once a year?
What employment would your DH seek in Australia and would he be easily employed?
Hypothetically, if your DSD left with you at the end of the year, what funding would she receive in either location for 3rd level education and/or benefits if it came to that.
If your own DS is in his late teens, what are the implications if any for his university funding at undergrad/postgrad level ? If he will be treated as an international student in Oz, that could be thousands in fees per annum. if he does an undergrad in Oz, would he be treated as a home student for post grad funding if he came back to the UK.
What protection do you have if you lose your job, are they offering repatriation costs and do you have to leave the country within a month under the terms of your sponsorship? That could really fxxk things up if the kids are in school.

It is galling - I got offered the job of a lifetime a few years back but it was in the wrong place at the wrong time so I had to reluctantly turn it down.

Have you considered suggesting a blend to your client/employer? Three weeks in Aus/three weeks in UK on an on-off basis? The cost of the flights might be the biggest issue but these can come down significantly if booked properly in advance. Your working hours in the UK could be a bit odd but its doable depending on the role.

She might be happy for the kids to have this opportunity with their dad and see it as good thing.

I don't know - in one respect, it gives the DCs opportunities to experience a different culture, but on the other, it robs them of one on their parents in their day to day life. Skype can't replace dad being there for everything.
No opportunity for the DSC to ask their dad to drive them to the prom, no chance of a hug from him when they have a broken heart and (worse case scenario) only one parent at their bedside in the event of accident or serious illness.
It's a huge sacrifice to ask of a child, and I'm not convinced the benefits outweigh what they would lose.

I am another vote for not seeing moving as an absolute no just because of dh's children. Families exist in many different varieties and survive all sorts of arrangements. The arrangements with dh's xw regarding when and where the dsc spend their time can be renegotiated to fit new circumstances. Being able to spend time immersed as resident tourist for long, repeated holidays, or even in residence if that can be worked out, could be eye-opening. so if you guys can afford the airfare, dsc could spend as much of any longer holiday with you as the two of them negotiate.

The difficulties of moving a teen depend largly on the teens attitude. Moving my 15 year old meant cutting her off from an interdependent mess of good friends with bad habits. She gladly started fresh 3000 miles away.

In my (dh's) experience (as an academic), from where you are now could take most of a year to negotiate and arrange. A lot will be different then anyway. You could certainly (if her mum agrees) say the potential opportunity depends on grades and behaviour. A teen with poor grades/little interest in school, and a habit of violating privacy is a bad bet to bring along. If dsd chatters so much to her friends (she will chatter, bet on it) that her mum finds out and asks you why she is in the dark, be sure to mention how dsd found out!

I think it is good that you are prepared to discuss this and sensibly.

Everyone here is going on about the 15 yr old. Actually, it is the 9 yr old who will suffer the most - already at a young age has had one family breakdown, now has a sort of new life with Dad and one with his Mum and sister.

Boom - bye bye sister and bye bye Dad.

At 9 yrs old, his Dad will come back into his life at 14yr and not know his son. 6 weeks and every other Xmas for 4 yrs - crap.

the dynamic on monies is huge - DSD lives with you, Mum will no longer be RP - she owes you monies, DS lives with her - probably cancels maintenance out. YOur DP has to get a job in new country - can virtually guarantee if it is OZ and NZ, he will struggle to start with and then be lower paid - def if NZ - ergo less monies for DS. You have to pay for DS to come out twice per annum - 6 weeks in the summer DU, is school time not holiday time - weather is v different and the kids has no summer holiday for 4 yrs. He will know about you going off to the beach, etc etc and not actually experience that unless you are in Queensland. You and DP need to find child care for him for 6 weeks in the winter when everyone is at school - yeah right. The cost just on flights that is going to be about £2500 per annum, you will resent it. Factor in cothes out of season, just as DSD is going into a growth spurt - more expense

For you, DP, your DS and his DD - an excellent adventure, for one 9 yr old a heap of loneliness, abandonment, boredom and resentment.

Just to post a child's perspective. My dad and his wife and their two children moved to the other side of the world when I was 17. They're still there. We do speak etc, and see each other for a couple of days once a year, but there is basically no relationship there. How could there be with so much distance and so little daily interaction?

I now have a ds and I find it weird that they want to be such a part of his life. Not from a bitter sense but just that after over a decade of being totally apart, they now seem to be choosing to be closer together again. But that's not an option for me, it's been too long.

What I'm tying to say is that I don't judge you at all for considering this job - yu have a right to live your life however you wish. BUT you can't underestimate the damage it can and probably will do to any children left behind, even if you go with the best of intentions. There will be a huge difference in your daily experiences for a number of years and you will miss important and formative times in the children's lives.

DS dad would let him go because he would want his son to have the chance of a different life.

Are you sure about this?
Have you asked him?

Given that the OPs son will soon be 18 and able to live independently, his moving or not moving with the OP is largely irrelevant.

In a matter of months time, he may be backpacking around the world and neither of countries his parents live in may be considered "home".

With younger DCs, it is different. Removing the opportunity for a 15 year old girl or 9 year old boy to have day to day contact with one of their parents is a significant, and irreversable, life decision.

To put a different pov, my DDs dad and I, along with several other co-parenting couples we know, included a commitment in our parenting agreement when we split to remain living within a specific geographical area until DD is 18. It was something that was raised for discussion by the mediator when we were separating. This has, at times, meant that we have both faced financial hardship due to poor job opportunities and lack of opportunities for progression. But for us, it is important that DD has both of us in her life on a day to day basis. Neither of us want her to have a long distance relationship with either of her parents.

In that regard, the opinion of my DH, or DDs stepmum, is irrelevant - DDs dad and I have made that commitment to DD. If my DH chose to move away, it would be without me. But, he knew that before we got married. If the OPs DP has given her the impression that he would be comfortable being a long-distant parent, then it's not unreasonable for her to consider raise it with him now.

Have you spoken to the ex?

As was suggested on another thread in the opposite direction (mum moving kids abroad away from dad), would the ex consider moving for the duration too? Does she have a transferable job? Would 4 years In Aus be an opportunity for her too?

That way you can all go :)

treadsoftly has some wise advice about education. I pretty sure that if a child is out of uk/eu education for 3 years, they will have to pay overseas fees for further education, university on their return. Working at a university, I've seen this happen. They are very rigid about these rules.

My children have the pathetic reality of a SKYPE and phone relationship with their dear father.

For anyone on here to suggest this is an adequate substitute for seeing, hugging, playing with and just being with their Dad is talking bull*t.

5 mins here and there is not adequate.

I have no criticism of the OP, she is openly discussing the issues, but as someone whose ex is of a nationality half way round the world - I do face the prospect that he will ask to take the DCS "home" to live. It fills me with absolute fear and dread and no - I would not give up my children. Nothing vindicative/obstructive etc about it - I will not compromise/sacrifice my relationship with my children for whom I am the primary carer/RP.

And it would be sacrifice because I would never get back the development and changing face of our relationship over 4 yrs.

I feel for the mother of your DSCs and I feel for her DS and DD. If you do go, she and her children lose something major in their life and losing the relationship of one parent regardless of which one it is, will happen- no matter what.

You and your DC go - great experience
DP goes no DCs - he loses his relationship with his DCs
DP+ DSD goes = DSD loses relationship with her mother and brother
DSS loses his relationship with his father and sister
EX loses her relationship with her DD
DP+ both DSC = DSD and DSS lose relationship with their mother ( are you going to pay for her to come and out and see her DCS!)
EX loses everything

Thank you everyone for your input.

I have formally notified them this morning that I no longer wish to continue with the process as it is not something that is feasible for my family at this time - I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit gutted at the lost opportunity (even if this is just all about me and my opportunity).

The main reason is my DSS. People are right - I got that caught up in DSD and her actions and thoughts about it than DSS (I admit there is maybe a bit of form for this as he is so easy going that he is sometimes overshadowed by DSD). The more I thought about it the more I kept thinking that I have been in his life since he was a baby, every time I thought of leaving I kept seeing his face in my head and I just don't think I could do it so how could I expect his dad to go? Also in reality I would be taking his big brother away from him as well as his sister because he does see my DS in this way and equally whilst my DS in abstract thinks that he could just up and leave he would also miss DSS and DSD and my DH if it was just the two of us going.

I clearly allowed myself to get caught up in the possibilities of what if and maybe's and still think that DSD did not help the situation. When speaking to DH he said he was relieved that I had come to the decision and he was hoping that I would change my mind but he didn't want to influence me at such an early stage in the process.

I am not fully giving up on the idea of moving away at some point and am not even wedded to where that may be in the future and if anything this has made me want it more BUT I don't want it at the expense of the family. We are going to have a rethink, see what our options are for the future and have a plan for where we want to go and when. I accept this may not be for another 6 years but at least we will have something to aim for.

Sleepy -thanks for the up date.

Like you I would be gutted as it is a fantastic opportunity and you will always think of what if.

Complete respect for putting ALL the children first especially when the biggest loser would not have been your own DC.

I hope another opportunity comes your way that is more amenable to everyones well being.

Completely agree with what Quesera just said Sleep. Thanks for the update.