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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Possibly Moving away and DSD wants to come?

146 replies

SleepAnyone · 20/04/2015 10:50

Very early days but I may have chance to move to other side of the world for 4 years. My DH and I know if I am lucky enough to be accepted then this is an opportunity of a lifetime.

It is not an easy decision to make - I know my DS will come with us but DH has a DD and a DS. DD really wants to come with us but DS is only 9 and is to young really.

We don't even know how to broach this subject with ex. We have told the DC that it is very early days and it is just something we are thinking about but DD is adamant that she wants to come, DH told her that it means leaving her mom and DS, friends etc and that is a massive decision to make and we have really down played it and focused on the negatives. I accept that she may well change her mind.

I know it is selfish of me for to want DH to come and leave his DC behind and I feel even worse that one wants to come and the other wouldn't as it means splitting the family up either way.

Legally where do we stand if DSD did want to come and mom says no(if I am honest I can not blame her) DSD is 15. Are we being massively unfair and selfish even thinking about going? Should we just tell DSD that she can join us in a couple of years if we are still there and she wants? When we were talking to her she said well you wouldn't go without Sleeps son so you shouldn't go without me.

OP posts:

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/04/2015 15:04

thank you backcrackandsack. I like your name btw.

MythicalKings · 20/04/2015 15:04

They deserve consideration not priority over everyone else involved.

So many ex-wives seem to think their DCs should take priority over all others involved in subsequent relationships. I see it time and time again on MNet.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/04/2015 15:06

and you know what I see time and again? IN real life and on MN? People who think stepchildren are no longer their parent's priority, through no fault of their own.
Sorry but would OP leave a 9 year old child to go swanning off to Aus? I doubt it, but her husband is expected to!

Maybe83 · 20/04/2015 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IPityThePontipines · 20/04/2015 15:08

Slight derail here, but:

"Not the children of officers as a rule, they lead a relatively charmed life,but look at any state school in an area with a high proportion of armed forces children in a garrison town for example and you'll often see a struggling school with struggling children. And lots of children are messed up by being packed off to boarding school far too young."

Actually it tends to be the children of officers who get sent off to boarding school too early, the others just get moved from state school to state school (which has its own set of problems). I would argue that the high rates of social problems in forces families has a lot to with many of those in the forces coming from backgrounds of often severe deprivation and widespread problems with alcohol, although marital instability caused by frequent separations doesn't help. I speak from personal experience here.

With regards to the OP, I'm in the don't go, or go alone camp.

Original poster

SleepAnyone · 20/04/2015 15:13

ummmm no but if you have married their dad they deserve consideration.
If you dont want these kind of hard choices, get a fresh husband not a used one

Actually my DH has only ever been my husband so he was fresh.

And I am considering the children which is why I was so conflicted. It would indeed be easier to say well I am going got new job - see ya! But that is not what I have done or plan to do. Actually I have been offered jobs previously that meant I would not have been around for certain periods of time and the children were quite small so DH did not want me to take them so I didn't.

I admit that maybe it was a pipe dream and the fantasy of more money better job and all somewhere far away with completely different lifestyle was very exciting and very very alluring. Maybe I got caught up in the excitement of possibilities and clearly so did DSD or she wouldn't have blabbed on us.

I get though that this is not her choice and the impact on DSS is likely to be shattering and realistically this is likely to be the biggest factor in my decision not to go.

OP posts:

OrangeJuiceSandwich · 20/04/2015 15:15

backcrackandnalpysack my DC are the children of an Army Officer. We currently live abroad. I can tell you now, we do not live a charmed life.

My 6 year old has lived in 6 houses and has been to 3 schools. He is breaking his heart again this week as another of his friends has moved away, and we will probably never see them again.

We have the choices of either moving every 2 years, very often less than that or boarding school. We could settle somewhere and maybe see DH once a month for a weekend. Charmed. Oh so charmed.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/04/2015 15:19

" he was fresh "
lol no he was not he already had two children.
I do not mean to offend you OP, I was more addressing another poster.

riverboat1 · 20/04/2015 15:24

Could you leave it for now and try to plan to do sonething similar in 7 or 8 years when his DS is 16?

Original poster

SleepAnyone · 20/04/2015 15:29

Potentially riverboat we have 9 years before we an no longer apply so it may be cutting it fine.

I know they are looking at other countries in future so I could just wait and see if one in Europe comes up so travel is easier.

I could just go on my own or with DS because financially that would give the whole family the best benefit????

OP posts:

slithytove · 20/04/2015 15:36

Not read the whole thread

Could you use it as an incentive for her?

E.g if she knuckles down (if there is time, or resits) and gets the required grades in her GCSEs, she could do a levels or ib wherever it is you'd be moving to?

In my school circle, (sorry!), many kids boarded for sixth form. I grew up abroad and chose not to, but lots went back to their home countries.

base9 · 20/04/2015 15:41

I also think talk of abandonment is needlessly melodramatic. For one thing OP has already stated that she hopes the increase in salary would benefit the dc. And I imagine there would be visiting back and forth. To abandon your child is to.walk away withiut a backwards glance, and no one is suggesting anything like it.

fedupbutfine · 20/04/2015 15:59

If DH wants to go then have the DSCs over for the whole summer while you are there

Maybe mum would like to spend some quality holiday time with her children too? Or should she just be 'entitled' to all the daily grind and none of the fun time?

No way on earth would I agree to my children spending all their summer holidays in another country that their father had made a choice to move to. Totally unacceptable.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 20/04/2015 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannaBe · 20/04/2015 16:10

" I also think talk of abandonment is needlessly melodramatic. For one thing OP has already stated that she hopes the increase in salary would benefit the dc." of course, because the dc will benefit so much more from money than from having two parents.

" And I imagine there would be visiting back and forth." oh of course. how often do you think that these children will undertake the 24000 mile round trip to see their parents? every other weekend as they do now? oh no wait, every month? nope, perhaps every six months? at a cost of £££ because a nine year old couldn't be expected to travel on his own from here to Australia at least for the next couple of years...

Just what planet do people live on that believe that once you split up and marry someone else your children become disposable beings to be visited/attended to at one's convenience? Because let's face it, how many people would move to Australia and e.g. stick the kids in boarding school and let them visit every few months? no thought not. So why does this change just because the parents' relationship has changed and one has a new partner with new priorities, one of which apparently no longer includes their children.

That is directed at the "I would go," posters fwiw not the op.
"You can't live your life for other people's children. " well yes you can, but if you choose not to then it's very simple, don't marry someone with children.

base9 · 20/04/2015 16:14

I didn't say it was better than having two parents or even a good idea. I said it was not abandonment. Cuz it isn't.

base9 · 20/04/2015 16:15

And yes, a 9 year old can make the trip alone.

Original poster

SleepAnyone · 20/04/2015 16:17

In reality fedup if DH stayed at home then potentially she would be happy for the kids to come over for the holidays with DH anyway. It is not untypical for them to spend weeks at ours during the holidays with no contact with their mom.

OP posts:

whatsagoodusername · 20/04/2015 16:20

That is directed at the "I would go," posters fwiw not the op

To be clear, my opinion is based on the scenario that OP and her DH do decide to go, what they should do with DSD. I'm not saying I think they should go or not, but if they decide to do so, what I think they should to do about DSD.

DinosaursRoar · 20/04/2015 16:21

I would say that 4 years isn't that long a time for adults, but a very long time for children. I do think the best option would be for you to go with your DS and your DH to stay in the UK, assuming financially you'll be able to afford flights regularly.

At your DS's age, his dad's views don't come into it in the same way.

Realistically, if you only have a 9 year window to do this visa wise and your DSS is only 9, then you are taking the decision to go without him while he's still a child or not do it.

You and DS going alone does seem the best option for the children, but not for you and your DH.

expatinscotland · 20/04/2015 16:23

I completely agree with wannabe. What kind of parent abandons their kids to go on an non-compulsory jolly for 4 years? What a selfish loser of a person. 'Fantastic opportunity', my arse. What about the fantastic opportunity of being close to your children, you know, putting them first before your desire to swan off? Can't believe what kind of parent even contemplates that, because I'd tell any spouse of mine who even suggested that I leave my kids behind at that age not to let the door hit them on the way out.

NerrSnerr · 20/04/2015 16:25

I just can't get over the fact that he is even considering leaving his child for 4 years. Only seeing him in the school holidays, that's still a hell of a lot he'll miss out on.

HydrochloricTulip · 20/04/2015 16:29

What comes first, your chance to travel or your marriage? 4 years is a long time and if my DH decided to go abroad for 4 years without me then I'd tell him not to bother coming back. I'd do the same if he told me he was going and taking my DD or DS away from me.

Fleecyleesy · 20/04/2015 16:30

This is a very clear no no. I would literally give my right arm in preference to living across the other side of the world from my 9yo.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 20/04/2015 16:36

I would go.

I had the opportunity to go and work in Dubai (I would have took dd1) but I passed it up for an ex. Its something I bitterly regret.

Go for the job. But don't put any expectations on anybody. Do what's best for you and your son.

The step boards are a very strange place. SM are not to assume any parental input and stay out of any step children buisness but at the same time are expected to give up a anything and everything for some one else's children - even if your own children are effected by it.

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