Possibly Moving away and DSD wants to come?

[SleepAnyone]

Very early days but I may have chance to move to other side of the world for 4 years. My DH and I know if I am lucky enough to be accepted then this is an opportunity of a lifetime.

It is not an easy decision to make - I know my DS will come with us but DH has a DD and a DS. DD really wants to come with us but DS is only 9 and is to young really.

We don't even know how to broach this subject with ex. We have told the DC that it is very early days and it is just something we are thinking about but DD is adamant that she wants to come, DH told her that it means leaving her mom and DS, friends etc and that is a massive decision to make and we have really down played it and focused on the negatives. I accept that she may well change her mind.

I know it is selfish of me for to want DH to come and leave his DC behind and I feel even worse that one wants to come and the other wouldn't as it means splitting the family up either way.

Legally where do we stand if DSD did want to come and mom says no(if I am honest I can not blame her) DSD is 15. Are we being massively unfair and selfish even thinking about going? Should we just tell DSD that she can join us in a couple of years if we are still there and she wants? When we were talking to her she said well you wouldn't go without Sleeps son so you shouldn't go without me.

If the mother is happy it might just be ideal for the DSD to re-engage and do well at school. Lots of families successfully survive meeting up in holidays - your DH could fly back and forth during school holidays or meet the kids half way. Sounds like a great opportunity for you and could benefit everyone.

Oh don't be daft 3Cheeky it wouldn't be 'unfair' on her DS if he couldn't move to Australia - I'm sure if his parents both stayed here he'd hardly be heartbroken about it.

and swimmer actually I don't think the OP's DSD does want to go and live in Australia necessarily -she just doesn't want her dad to leave her.

I don't know - it is of course difficult, but I would wonder if it would be a good opportunity for her?

It's Australia - she doesn't need to go to a high-flying international school. She could go to a regular Australian secondary, make new friends, possibly become motivated. If you made good grades a compulsory component of living in Australia, it could be good motivation.

If she has a volatile relationship with her mother, it could be good for her to have a change and more stability and structure.

Of course it's hard for her mother. Of course it's hard for your DS, and your DH, your DSS and you. But would it actually be good for her? And would it be possible later to move DSS out to Australia not suggesting it happens, just that it's massively unfair to DSS if it wouldn't be possible.

If you want to take DSD, I'd promote to her mother all the ways you feel it would be a good move for her: new start in school, new friends if current ones aren't great?, etc. And then say it is entirely up to the mother for veto. Do not discuss this conversation with DSD. If her mother vetoes, then DSD will blame her and romanticise Australia even more. You have to present it as a wholly joint decision.

Build in regular flights to/from the UK into the budget for the move - for you and separately for the DC. DC will probably have to have a minimum of two visits a year to the UK, and you may well have to give up important holidays for the forseeable future. It isn't really negotiable as someone who now lives halfway around the world from family.

When does the decision have to be made?

Quite honestly, if your child's father/other parent had regular contact/paid maintenance etc I would make it illegal to take a child to another country and away from their other parent. I think it's a massively unfair thing to do to the child and the parent, assuming there is a decent/regular relationship there.

And someof you are talking about this as if they are nipping over to Spain. It's AUSTRALIA, people. Get real.

But Australia isn't "all that". (sorry Oz).

I wouldn't move. Children are too.important.

thats right, flights home for several people twice a year might not be affordable at all.
Besides it is too much to expect your DH to abandon his children.

Cost of living is astronomical in Oz as well.

Actually DSD would move half way across the world with us without a second thought - I am pretty confident about that, I get this is because she does not get the impact that this would have on her relationship with her mom but she is already looking at repping jobs abroard because she knows that she will not get the grades to do more than this or she wants to do Travel & Tourism at college to travel this way. It is the heart brake it would cause her mom of either saying no or letting her go.

I actually think that it would be a fantastic opportunity for ALL the children as I would like them to know the world is a big place and they don't have to limit their options but I accept that this may just have to be something they do on their own when they are older.

Clearly DH does not want to leave his kids behind and I am actually confident in our marriage that we would survive a long distance relationship but maybe this is something I need to defer and see if I can do it again in the future.

DS dad would let him go because he would want his son to have the chance of a different life.

Actually if my DS had the same opportunity to do this with his dad, it would break my heart but actually I would let him go because I would want him to have this fantastic experience and as his mom I would not want to be the one who stopped him.

Sorry 3Cheeky I am not with you. Why is she going to miss out on her DS? Her DS is not her husband's child.

Being in a family is all about compromising and looking at what's best for everyone in it. Being in a blended family is like that on steroids. She can make the decision for herself and her son at her son and his father's expense. But why should she get to make a decision that impacts on her DH and his children, and his children's mother?

She either accepts that it is not in the best interests of the wider family or she leaves DH behind and takes her son alone.

We might have this the other way round! dH ex wants to take his two abroad. My DH is stuck between wanting them to have the best opportunities (and their standard of life would be amazing) and obviously the fact he wouldn't see them every week. What do people think about this? FYI in RL people are saying my DH is selfish if he doesn't let them go!! Sorry to derail the thread OP just very interesting that sometimes when the tables are turned you get a different response.

I'd actually disagree with the majority and take her if she wanted to go.

She's 15 probably 16 by the time this is all done, she might well be leaving home then anyway. And tbh Ds and Es predicted then she clearly isn't bothered education wise. It would be an amazing experience even if she only stayed out for a year or so, she'd learn much more than she is at school.

Her mum would be very selfish to refuse her the opportunity, she's nearly an adult, old enough to make her own decisions completely different to if she was a younger child.

Actually if my DS had the same opportunity to do this with his dad, it would break my heart but actually I would let him go because I would want him to have this fantastic experience and as his mom I would not want to be the one who stopped him.

Honestly? I find that hard to believe. It's only flipping Australia, it's not like he'd be forming the first community on Mars and he'd go down in the annuls of history. I think it would be more important to have both his parents in his life on a regular basis that to be able to say that he'd seen the Sydney Opera House and eaten Vegemite.

I sort of agree with you Back that she doesn't want her dad to leave, especially if she has a fraught relationship with her mother but it does sound like as the DSD does need a fresh start and that Australia does appeal to her if she wants to start Secondary Schools afresh, make new friends etc.

Also holidays are different in Australia, they have 3 blocks of two week holidays throughout the year, followed by a 6-8 week summer holiday, so that gives much more leeway to flying back to the UK and they are not as strict on term time holidays I believe.

Whats the worst that can happen? That she doesn't like Australia and moves back to the UK.

but it's not just about the DSD is it? What about her DH having to leave a nine year old DS behind?

totally agree back, what is so great about skin cancer, vegemite and kangaroos anyway? I mean, Oz is not THAT great is it, not worth abandoning children for, surely. OP even considering that your DH might abandon his nine year old for your sake is outrageous!

so abandoning a child is just a 'compromise' now is it?

Good point about DSS, its a really difficult situation and obviously it won't be ideal to separate the siblings.

But vegemite is amazing! I always stock up when I back to OZ/Nz. Though Opera house is naff.

It wouldn't be an option for me until all children are 16 and can choose. Your son won't be seeing his dad, your step children will either not see their mum or their dad.

I would not marry a man who thinks an opportunity inAustralia is more important than regularly seeing his child.

vegemite is marmite by another name ffs.
You can even buy it in our local Morrisons.
You do not need to dump off your kids to get Vegemite.