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Original poster

Possibly Moving away and DSD wants to come?

146 replies

SleepAnyone · 20/04/2015 10:50

Very early days but I may have chance to move to other side of the world for 4 years. My DH and I know if I am lucky enough to be accepted then this is an opportunity of a lifetime.

It is not an easy decision to make - I know my DS will come with us but DH has a DD and a DS. DD really wants to come with us but DS is only 9 and is to young really.

We don't even know how to broach this subject with ex. We have told the DC that it is very early days and it is just something we are thinking about but DD is adamant that she wants to come, DH told her that it means leaving her mom and DS, friends etc and that is a massive decision to make and we have really down played it and focused on the negatives. I accept that she may well change her mind.

I know it is selfish of me for to want DH to come and leave his DC behind and I feel even worse that one wants to come and the other wouldn't as it means splitting the family up either way.

Legally where do we stand if DSD did want to come and mom says no(if I am honest I can not blame her) DSD is 15. Are we being massively unfair and selfish even thinking about going? Should we just tell DSD that she can join us in a couple of years if we are still there and she wants? When we were talking to her she said well you wouldn't go without Sleeps son so you shouldn't go without me.

OP posts:
BackCrackandNappySack · 20/04/2015 13:19

the OP has one son of her own who will go with her.

Her DH has two children, a DD of 15 who she would like to take with them and a DS of nine who she says would stay with his mum.

whatsagoodusername · 20/04/2015 13:20

HesBeenAVeryNaughtyBoy - I think your DH should let them go given there are provisions for regular trips back, although I don't think he is selfish for wishing they wouldn't. It would be unnatural to wish they would.

But I'm also of the opinion OP's DSD should be given the opportunity to go and I moved halfway around the world from my family by myself at 21 would have gone sooner if I'd found a way, so I may be biased toward finding someplace new! I consider my family to be close. You don't have to be geographically close to have close relationships.

Original poster
SleepAnyone · 20/04/2015 13:21

Honestly? I find that hard to believe you may find it hard but it is true, he is 16 nearly 17, he has completed student exchange programs in Spain and has been away without me several times. Whilst I accept that this is not Australia and not been for 4 years, he could and is likely to up and move a some point and whilst I know it is heartbraking to miss him I want him to have a full life and accept that he loves me and I love him regardless of where he is in the world.

OP posts:
butterflyballs · 20/04/2015 13:22

My view.

Make her finish school, up to the age of 16, finish her exams and tell her she needs to knuckle down and attempt level c in maths and English at least. You will then agree to her coming to live with you and she can do her last two years in school there. But she must use the time here to work hard or the deal is off.

I would go and make the most of this opportunity.

thepurplehen · 20/04/2015 13:22

I have had plenty of crap from my step family, but ultimately I don't think you should go.

You can't expect dp to split his family up.

Even if both dsc come with you, they lose their mum.

If neither do, they lose their dad.

I wouldn't expect my dp to give up his kids, by being with him, I accept that.

If it's really important to you to go, I think you should go alone with your dc.

HeyDuggee · 20/04/2015 13:22

Sleep,
My parents moved me to the other side of the world about your DSS's age. Sure, it gave me a ton of opportunities but it also gave us all a lot of heartaches. Being an expat is not all that. I remember the first couple of years were full of tears, as I struggled with the cultural and language differences. And that's even with the "children adapt easily"

Was it life changing? Yes. Am I somehow better off than my cousins whose parents didn't move half way across the world 30 years ago? No. My cousins had lots of cultural and enriching experiences throughout their twenties, worked in different countries, etc. In many ways, because it was their choice to fly the nest (as opposed to moving as a child with no say)... Their experiences were much more meaningful and life changing.

So to suggest that leaving their mother somehow outweighs or makes up it for your DSS and DSD because of the incredible, enriching cultural experience they will have if they move to Australia is ... Well, idealistic at best.

BackCrackandNappySack · 20/04/2015 13:24

Ah okay, apologies, Sleep I guess because you mentioned your DSS being nine I sort of assumed your son was around that age too. Okay so that's a bit different, but that's your choice. It's not really fair on your DH's nine year old that he should leave him to go so far away. Would you have left your son behind when he was only nine, to live with his dad?

swimmerforlife · 20/04/2015 13:25

The thing is, a lot of children leave home at 16, so it's not like the OP is snatching away DSD mum's whole childhood from her.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/04/2015 13:26

yes but what about the 9 year old? It is not OK to make his dad leave him.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 20/04/2015 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SleepAnyone · 20/04/2015 13:33

I agree back and that is the problem. I wouldn't even entertain the option of giving DSS the choice because he is too young and he is not mine and I would not have let my DS go at that age.

If DSD had not been through my phone then it isn't something we would have raised until DH and I had had a proper chance to thrash it all out and spoke to his and my ex first.

I came on here because it is more complicated as a step family and needed to hear all the things that have been spinning around in my head all weekend out in black and white with arguments for and against.

OP posts:
MuttonCadet · 20/04/2015 13:35

I turned down a huge job opportunity because it was in a different country and I knew that I couldn't take my DH away from his children, it would have meant heartbreak all around.

Could you do this later when the kids are older?

wannaBe · 20/04/2015 13:36

you can't compare seventeen to nine.

You are expecting your dh to abandon a nine year old at time when he is about to hit the pre-teen years, puberty, everything else that goes along with that and go chasing some dream in Australia.

The last time I checked Australia was a permanent fixture - it'll still be there in ten years time, the relationship with his son might not be however if he abandons him for his shiny new life.

Life is full of wonderful experiences, some we take, some we don't, our lives are more enriched for having experienced some things, but they are not less so if we don't.

I grew up in South Africa, it was a fantastic country, I experienced things I never would otherwise have. But if I hadn't my life wouldn't be any worse off because I wouldn't have known any different.

At seventeen I would deem my ds old enough to make his own decisions. At twelve I would take whatever legal action was required to prevent him being taken out of the country.

Original poster
SleepAnyone · 20/04/2015 13:42

you can't compare seventeen to nine - I am not and I am also not asking DH to abandon his DC.

I didn't know how I felt about it and nor does DH and as I said had DSD not have gone through my phone we may have came to the decision that it was clearly a no no before any of the DC's got an inkling. - Australia is a perm fixture and you can apply for immigration up to about 50 so that does give us 9 more years but then it may be perm not temp work visa.

OP posts:
Micah · 20/04/2015 13:50

Also-

Is this "amazing opportunity" just to live in australia- same job, same lifestyle, same school, same daily grind, just with a bit of sun and some kangaroo's?

Or is it an amazing opportunity job/lifestyle wise- as in 4 years you'll have taken a massive leap up the career ladder you wouldn't have had at home, be able to retire early, pay DC deposit on a mortgage, that kind of life changing?

If it's the former I'd say no. The latter I'd really think about. If it's really going to change your life, and the DC life long term, then 4 years is not a long time.

Is it now or never, or will this be still on the table in 3/4 years?

Original poster
SleepAnyone · 20/04/2015 14:05

This particular job wont be on table in 3/4 years no. It is through a client that I work for now who has global bases. They want me to go and replicate same set up in UK in Aus. Yes it is a very significant leap in salary which will give us a very different lifestyle and very strong financial start for all DC's but I suppose part of that lifestyle would include breaking up family even more so.

OP posts:
MythicalKings · 20/04/2015 14:36

Why all the talk of abandonment? 1,000s of parents live and work abroad while their DCs stay in the home country.

The armed forces would collapse if only childless people were allowed to serve abroad.

Ridiculously melodramatic to talk of abandonment.

BackCrackandNappySack · 20/04/2015 14:41

Yes Mythical and many children of rank and file armed forces members have problems at school with behaviour and attachment/abandonment issues and discipline because of it. Not the children of officers as a rule, they lead a relatively charmed life,but look at any state school in an area with a high proportion of armed forces children in a garrison town for example and you'll often see a struggling school with struggling children. And lots of children are messed up by being packed off to boarding school far too young. Just because it has to happen doesn't make it ideal.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/04/2015 14:43

no it is not 'ridiculously melodramatic' - leaving a nine year old to live on the other side of the world is essentially abandonment.

BackCrackandNappySack · 20/04/2015 14:44

Mythical ask yourself if you'd do it to your own 9 year old and there's your answer.

PeruvianFoodLover · 20/04/2015 14:52

I agree with nappysack - Children whose parents serve in the armed forces attract additional funds/support in school for up to 6 years after the service is completed. There are tested and proven interventions that schools put in place to try and minimise the damage done by the absence of the serving parent.

The OPs DSS would not receive this support, and would know that his dad made a choice - he wouldn't experience the pride associated with a parent in the armed forces to counter this dads absence.

This isn't a feckless dad who has been flaky and an inconsistent part of his sons life - I'm stunned anyone would consider it appropriate, tbh.

MythicalKings · 20/04/2015 14:57

I wouldn't, but I married once and stayed married to the father of my DCs. It makes for a simpler life.

Who knows what I would have one if my marriage had broken down. I certainly don't think that your life has to stop until your DCs have grown up. That's ludicrous.

Op has a wonderful opportunity and why shouldn't she take advantage of it? Telling her to put her life on hold because her DH has DCs from a previous marriage is daft. You can't live your life for other people's children.

Look for a way for the best possible solution for all, that may involve the DCs visiting for 2 months of the year.

SoupDragon · 20/04/2015 14:58

but I married once and stayed married to the father of my DCs. It makes for a simpler life.

Oh FFS.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/04/2015 14:59

"You can't live your life for other people's children. "
ummmm no but if you have married their dad they deserve consideration.
If you dont want these kind of hard choices, get a fresh husband not a used one.

BackCrackandNappySack · 20/04/2015 15:02

I want to 'LIKE' that comment Sunny Smile

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