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Original poster

Possibly Moving away and DSD wants to come?

146 replies

SleepAnyone · 20/04/2015 10:50

Very early days but I may have chance to move to other side of the world for 4 years. My DH and I know if I am lucky enough to be accepted then this is an opportunity of a lifetime.

It is not an easy decision to make - I know my DS will come with us but DH has a DD and a DS. DD really wants to come with us but DS is only 9 and is to young really.

We don't even know how to broach this subject with ex. We have told the DC that it is very early days and it is just something we are thinking about but DD is adamant that she wants to come, DH told her that it means leaving her mom and DS, friends etc and that is a massive decision to make and we have really down played it and focused on the negatives. I accept that she may well change her mind.

I know it is selfish of me for to want DH to come and leave his DC behind and I feel even worse that one wants to come and the other wouldn't as it means splitting the family up either way.

Legally where do we stand if DSD did want to come and mom says no(if I am honest I can not blame her) DSD is 15. Are we being massively unfair and selfish even thinking about going? Should we just tell DSD that she can join us in a couple of years if we are still there and she wants? When we were talking to her she said well you wouldn't go without Sleeps son so you shouldn't go without me.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 20/04/2015 12:21

no, skype and texting cannot replace an actual relationship, and I am Shock that anyone thinks that this is even an option between a parent and their children.

And I speak as someone who went to boarding school from the age of five, as a term boarder from the age of eleven, so essentially had a holidays only relationship with my family. Skype and phone calls do not replace a relationship.

And sometimes it's just not possible to follow your dreams. Maybe when the dc are older you can do that, but sometimes we can't have what we want and then expect our children to pay the price for it.

BackCrackandNappySack · 20/04/2015 12:23

DH is torn. He does not want to leave his DC's behind but knows if he doesn't give it a go then he could be giving up a fantastic opportunity. It is a 4 year move.

How would you feel if it meant leaving your child behind?

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/04/2015 12:25

oh that would be quite different backcracksack, I am sure.

juneau · 20/04/2015 12:26

I think you have to accept that you married this man with DC here in this country and that it would unreasonable and unfair to ask him to choose between them and your dream. You knew the score when you married him, so I don't think you can moan about 'giving up your dream'. IMO you gave it up when you married a man with DC in this country. So either go with your DS on your own and leave your marriage, or accept that your dream is incompatible with the life you've chosen and suck it up.

Original poster
SleepAnyone · 20/04/2015 12:29

It was Australia and yes it was the opportunity for a change of life for us to experience.

I also accept that it would be taking my DS away from his dad, and DH's kids who have been raised as brother and sister and I accept that I have been massively unfair to DH and put him in an impossible situation.

OP posts:
PeruvianFoodLover · 20/04/2015 12:31

OP you face a choice - pursue your career and have a long distance marriage, or set aside this opportunity and remain living with your DH.

And, if your DS currently has a relationship with his own dad, be prepared for him to challenge you if you choose to take your DS with you.

Moving abroad as a family unit cannot happen, because the DCs in your family are also members of another family too.

HeyDuggee · 20/04/2015 12:32

"When we were talking to her she said well you wouldn't go without Sleeps son so you shouldn't go without me."

you need to listen to what she is saying "...so you shouldn't go without me."

Not so much about wanting to move half way across the world, as not wanting her father to leave her to go half way across the world

She is absolutely right - would you move to follow your dream and leave your son behind? Then why do you think your DH should move to follow YOUR dream and leave his son and daughter behind?

I would seriously have a lot less respect for my husband.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/04/2015 12:34

yes well I agree with the DSD, it is an impossible situation.

DinosaursRoar · 20/04/2015 12:35

Sadly, it might be the best option that you go with your DS and leave DH behind. 4 years isn't that long in the length of a marriage, but if it's a 'once in a lifetime' chance for you and you think your DS would benefit from it, then go. I would price up if you could afford to fly back 2x a year and your DH fly over 2X a year (possibly with the DSC).

Being a divorced parent does mean you don't have the same options as a parent in a relationship with their other parent - your DH can't just relocate his whole family. He is pretty much stuck to the UK until his DCs are both over 18. That doesn't, however, mean that you are stuck to the UK and if really is that good a chance, then he should be prepared to wave you off and work out a way to make a long distance relationship work.

(I did long distance for nearly 5 years with the now DH, although that was pre-DCs and while another country, not the other side of the world. It's possible if you both are prepared for it and are also prepared to make a lot of other lifestyle sacrifices to fund those flights).

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 20/04/2015 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 20/04/2015 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeruvianFoodLover · 20/04/2015 12:39

monkeys Even though it would take the OPs DS away from his dad for 4 years? That's a long time in the life of a child - and how often would visits be possible? They'd be strangers to each other when the OP returned.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 20/04/2015 12:40

Can you go with your DS? Will his dad agree to him going?

BackCrackandNappySack · 20/04/2015 12:41

"When we were talking to her she said well you wouldn't go without Sleeps son so you shouldn't go without me."

you need to listen to what she is saying "...so you shouldn't go without me."

Not so much about wanting to move half way across the world, as not wanting her father to leave her to go half way across the world

exactly right.

And Australia of all places - it's not like you'll be able to afford to stick people on planes willy nilly every time there's a half term, is it?

It's one big giant no-no I'm afraid.

MythicalKings · 20/04/2015 12:41

Go!

If DH wants to go then have the DSCs over for the whole summer while you are there.

Forces families manage as do other families where one parent lives overseas.

BackCrackandNappySack · 20/04/2015 12:43

What's the opportunity anyway? Is it really something that can only happen in Australia? Confused

WinterBabyof89 · 20/04/2015 12:44

I'd accept the opportunity if it definitely comes your way.. But maybe just you and DS go (depending on the involvement of your DS's Father).
If DH wanted to join you then fine, but I would put that entirely on him (he's a grown man & can make his own decisions - however poor they may be).

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 20/04/2015 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BackCrackandNappySack · 20/04/2015 12:46

No Mythical it's so wrong to put pressure on her DH to leave his children and I hope he'd refuse anyway. If she wants to that badly that she's prepared to break up her marriage for it then fine, but she still has her son's dad to contend with.

Honestly, these situations are shit. It's no wonder kids get so screwed up by fractured families. When will people start putting them first?

swimmerforlife · 20/04/2015 12:47

Re Australia education, if you moved out there in the near future, your DSD could probably achieve her high school qualifications (HSC) out there and have another chance of getting better grades than in her GCSEs (Before anyone jumps on me, I'm just trying to be helpful re education for DSD if they decide to let her move out there)

Micah · 20/04/2015 12:47

There's was a thread on here not so long ago where the wife wanted to move abroad.

The replies were mostly along the lines that she should go, and the dc dad should visit. One suggested the dad could just move to the new country too.

School holidays are long, what 13 weeks a year? About the same contact time as staying over every weekend, but with the added value of new country, culture etc. plus takes any school holiday childcare issues from ex.

As for dsd. I think I'd consider it. If she's going to tank her gcse's anyway, and it sounds like she wants a fresh start. Depending on the country and the opportunities there.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/04/2015 12:48

" So why should the OP have to do the choosing between going or staying for her child just because her DH doesn't have that choice?"

because she chose to be with a divorced father of under 18s/

swimmerforlife · 20/04/2015 12:50

If I was the OP, I would go for it, Australia is an amazing place to live with an amazing lifestyle. I lived there for two years in my 20s and love it.

Tbh I can't blame the DSD for wanting to live in Australia than the UK! But the OP and her DH need to decide whats best for their dc.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 20/04/2015 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/04/2015 12:54

'unfair on him' oh boo hoo.