Really immature step-kids

[Weathergames]

I have 3 kids all teenagers who I brought up alone.

I have been with OH for nearly 6 yrs and DSDs are 10 and 8.

I work full time and we have them EOW and about 1/3 of the school holidays.

They do not get taken out a lot at home so therefore have a lot of excess energy when they are here. We always try to do something with them every day they are here (even if just a walk to the park or swimming) and I take leave (as does OH) when they are here in the school holidays.

I admit I struggle with going "back" to these slightly younger ages but ... They are really really immature.

When not being "occupied" by someone else they want to watch TV, go on their tablets or within 5 mins they will end up squabbling.

DD2 cannot tie her shoe laces (I taught DD1 last year) neither can ride a bike (we have tried but both very tall and grow out of any bikes we buy them and now DD1 too scared and too big for stabilisers).

Neither can shower or wash themselves and when out in public they run around like toddlers pulling stuff off shelves in shops or generally pissing about and unable to stand still at all in a queue and behave.

DD1 still wets the bed and DD2 talks (IMO) very baby like and does not string sentences together.

Both girls very tall and want to constantly hold OH hand when out call him Daddy (this isn't a big deal I know) and want to watch programmes on TV which IMO are really very "young" for them.

Their mum does not discuss their bodies with them at all and DSD1 has def just hit puberty and with her height I think will start her periods sooner rather than later, which concerns me as she will not be prepared. She asks me questions and I am truthful in my replies but weary of going too far and stepping on her mums toes.

Both still get up at 8am and are very loud and wake everyone else up despite being told EVERY SINGLE TIME for the last 5 yrs to be considerate of others.

This makes it hard when they are here and causes tensions and I try my best not to allow it to irritate me but it does and I end up feeling like a cow (I do love them).

Does this sound quite immature for their ages or have I forgotten?!

If so how do others deal with it?

I have a DC of a similar age to above and to be honest they do a lot of the above that you say your SDC can't. However, all children are different. Equally, my nephew is of the same age and can't ride a bike. My brother has since found out he has dyspraxia so struggles with tasks like the bike riding and shoe laces.

My DC does wash their own hair but I have to sometimes rewash because they haven't done a through job.

How does Mum deal with their behaviour in general when they're with her? Could it be a lack of discipline? By discipline I don't mean telling off constantly but on their behaviour {ie: when out in public and what's an acceptable way to behave in certain settings like the supermarket.}.

A lot also sounds like they could be left to their own devices at home - hence the squabbling and lack of discipline and understanding. I'm not saying they are left to their own devices but your above post could be a result of that also.

I am under the impression that they are left to their own devices a lot or not taken out (mum doesn't drive) - or if they are taken out its to activities which involve the pub/drinking alcohol.

it seems to be quite common for children (girls especiallyl) to act immature for their age when their parents have split, I've noticed others saying the same.
I'm not sure if it's something they do to get attention or if it's the affects of the split on their emotions.
I'd say that some of what you've described is normal to some extent, arguing and being inconsiderate to people sleeping etc is something some people never grow out of.
Can they really not shower themselves or do they just like someone else doing it for them?
I'd be seriously concerned about an 8 year old not stringing sentences together. Is this something that her teachers are concerned about?
To answer your question, yes they do sound quite immature, especially compared to most girls these days.
What's your gut instinct OP? Do you think they just live a very sheltered life? Or is it just for attention? Or do you think there's something wrong at home? Or maybe some low level SN?
I'm just asking because it's impossible for us to get the full picture on MN but you see first hand what is going on, you will know better than us whether there is something causing the immaturity?

My gut instinct is that it's low level neglect tbh

Def not SN with DD1. She's very inquisitive and when asked to help extremely compliant (albeit v controlling) DSD2 is poss mildly autistic (in my opinion not professional) she makes stupid noises when shy and says goo hoo ga ha and goes on about poo - a lot (and has a lot of traits).

There have been times (due to work) where OH has spent long periods away which isn't the case this yr. DSD1 has attachment issues I think and is very clingy (I always take a back seat when they are about).

I am human though and tired from work and my own DC and it's hard sometimes not to get irritated.

Sorry x posts.

So do you feel she just isn't parenting them properly? Not teaching them how to behave? Not educating them about life? Other than just taking them to the pub.

However, I do loads with my kids but if I ask them what they'd like to do today they'll often say "can we go to the pub?".
Ds drew me a picture and when he handed it to me he said "mum Ivd drawn you a picture...it's our family going to the pub".
We don't even go that often but it's their favourite thing to do because it's just us talking to each other, no tv or housework or any other distractions.
So the pub isn't such a terrible thing to do as a family, but I agree it's a bit crap if she does nothing else with them.

how old were they when their parents split?

It is really hard isn't it? My DSC don't behave well at all, both have attachment issues but their symptoms are different. One is very angry, the other is very immature.
It's a nightmare... constant fighting, we have to be feeling very brave to attempt a proper day out, they can both go in to total meltdowns over nothing.
It's embarrassing, my DCs are a lot younger but are soooo much better behaved.
IMO they haven't been nurtured.
They've been looked after as far as putting clothes on their backs and food in their tummies but there seems to be little love and nurturing. Eg if they've done something wrong their mum shouts and swears at them instead of explaining what they have done wrong and how they should do things differently.

I agree with concretekitten that I believe it can sometimes be normal for children to regress when their parents separate. My parents split when I was 11 and I began acting like a much younger child, but only when I was with my dad. I remember deliberately speaking like baby, walking like a baby and generally acting very helpless.

Unfortunately I honestly have no idea why I did it but when I read your post it jogged my memory. I don't know how you could help but the phase did eventually pass for me.

However if there are others issue,s as you've said, then the above could be completely irrelevant.

They were babies - but it's an interesting point....

I wondered if you can split them up and take them out separately, sometimes when there isn't another to show off to DCs behave better/differently. More work for you but might be worth a try.

DSD2 is poss mildly autistic (in my opinion not professional) she makes stupid noises when shy and says goo hoo ga ha and goes on about poo - a lot (and has a lot of traits).

You're really not even in the same postal district as professional, are you? Not even managing 'empathetic', really.

Same as flyingpirate actually, I'm quite surprised reading this is a known factor amongst girls whose parents have split. Parents split when i was 9, i did all the silly baby talk, giggling, etc basically acting much younger than i was, by the time i was 13 i was still acting as though i was 9. I can't explain why, except it was masking a lot of anxiety and i suppose was a way for people to be more protective towards me if that makes any sense. I however had to consciously decide to leave that phase behind.

just to add, this dynamic also affected my relationship with dsis who was older, she became more domineering, acting like the mother, but a poor one roles all mixed up.
OP how do the girls relate to one another?

I have to say that I have DDs aged 10 and 7 and they're very like the children you're talking about! Mine can wash themselves and ride bikes but they both still say Daddy and the younger one struggles with her shoes.

They squabble and squeal....they need entertaining....or they're on tablets...they both make stupid noises for fun...DH and I haven't split up...they're just kids!

You seem obsessed with their height. Three mentions in your Op. Does their height irritate you too?

OP out of interest are your step dc share another culture apart from English?

My dd is 8 and has autism, you'd say mildly but it's correct term is high functioning. She sounds quite like these girls, not quite as much but I am probably more accepting than you because she's my own child, also she can be very much triggered by her older brother. That's probably happening here between the two girls.

I noticed the repeated mentions of excessive height too

My sister in law calls her parents mummy and daddy, she's 41! I think that is not relevant to this at all.

My son has high functioning autism.

Reference to their height in that it exaggerated the childish behaviour because they are so big.

howhighwillthesunlast very much the way you have described!!

Reference to their height in that it exaggerated the childish behaviour because they are so big.

Oh come off it.

They are children.

If you dislike them, then you dislike them. Stop with the weird descriptions of what you imagine autism entails autism and digs about their height and mother .

Maybe you should stop taking leave etc and let your DP do the bulk of the parenting for his DDs?

Some normal behaviour, some a bit young.

If dd2 is autistic, then living in 2 homes will be an extreme stressor IMO. My ds is autistic and when things get too much, he begs to come home where he can relax and feel safe. He doesn't like lots of comings and goings and needs to know who is here and why or he will go and hide.

Anyway - 8yos don't need to tie shoes, get velcro. Even being tall/big footed, velcro is still there.

If the run around and mess around in public then dp needs to have one holding each hand, hang on to them and speak to them when they try and bolt, just like you would teach a 3/4 yo to walk by your side/queue. This is just "training" but I often see people who think this sort of behaviour is completely acceptable for kids.

I'd get dd1 a bedwetting alarm. It might solve it, it might not but it's worth a try.

Regarding their bodies, you and dp both need to sit down with them both and have a chat. This has been left too late, particularly for the 10yo. I would verbally outline the basics. If all 4 of you do it together, you aren't stepping on the mum's toes. Dp is their parent after all! I'd do it towards the beginning of a contact period so that they have a couple of days to ask you both questions.

They both are capable of learning to ride a bike. Stabilisers are not needed. You need the saddle low and a gentle grassy slope so they can lift their feet and put them down easily when they want to. You start by drifting 1m or 1/2m down a slope at a time. Add pedals once they can do 10-15m down the slope without putting their feet down. Re the fear, the grass will "catch" them and the bribe just needs to be big enough to get them to take the first steps.

I think everything in your op can be sorted with hard work. Yanbu to think that their mum would have done some of this, but she hasn't so you and dp have to work with what you've got rather than being pissed at their mum for what she has not managed to accomplish for whatever reason, which is presumably completely outside your control.

I could be wrong, but I think babyish and immature behaviour is common in children with attachment disorders. Maybe he (and you) should try and meet their needs by parenting them as you would a younger child.

My step daughter did alot of this; including not being able to swing on her own at the age of 9 [she got tipped off a swing once by a 5 year old, and would sit there waiting to be swung which I refused to do. I took her to the park one day and taught her how to do it, and through tears she learnt. The next week she wanted to go to the park and was all 'x taught me how to do it. x is her mother's boyfriend.]. Also she would do the daddy thing when she wanted something. And would want to be carried [at 10] when one of my nieces was staying and was being carried [she was 2]. And when we arrived anywhere she would sit there like a princess in the back of the car waiting for her dad to open the door for her. And when we made cakes she refused to stir as it was tiring. No more cakes then love, your loss.

I'm with you. It is fucking irritating to have this going on in your house when everyone else in it, even younger kids, are doing more for themselves and not acting like babies. Mine is off to uni in September. Can't wait to see how she gets her bin emptied [she refused to to do it this weekend, she is 18 next week] her dad had to take it down and empty it.