Really immature step-kids

[Weathergames]

I have 3 kids all teenagers who I brought up alone.

I have been with OH for nearly 6 yrs and DSDs are 10 and 8.

I work full time and we have them EOW and about 1/3 of the school holidays.

They do not get taken out a lot at home so therefore have a lot of excess energy when they are here. We always try to do something with them every day they are here (even if just a walk to the park or swimming) and I take leave (as does OH) when they are here in the school holidays.

I admit I struggle with going "back" to these slightly younger ages but ... They are really really immature.

When not being "occupied" by someone else they want to watch TV, go on their tablets or within 5 mins they will end up squabbling.

DD2 cannot tie her shoe laces (I taught DD1 last year) neither can ride a bike (we have tried but both very tall and grow out of any bikes we buy them and now DD1 too scared and too big for stabilisers).

Neither can shower or wash themselves and when out in public they run around like toddlers pulling stuff off shelves in shops or generally pissing about and unable to stand still at all in a queue and behave.

DD1 still wets the bed and DD2 talks (IMO) very baby like and does not string sentences together.

Both girls very tall and want to constantly hold OH hand when out call him Daddy (this isn't a big deal I know) and want to watch programmes on TV which IMO are really very "young" for them.

Their mum does not discuss their bodies with them at all and DSD1 has def just hit puberty and with her height I think will start her periods sooner rather than later, which concerns me as she will not be prepared. She asks me questions and I am truthful in my replies but weary of going too far and stepping on her mums toes.

Both still get up at 8am and are very loud and wake everyone else up despite being told EVERY SINGLE TIME for the last 5 yrs to be considerate of others.

This makes it hard when they are here and causes tensions and I try my best not to allow it to irritate me but it does and I end up feeling like a cow (I do love them).

Does this sound quite immature for their ages or have I forgotten?!

If so how do others deal with it?

Also was hoping to remind myself of what children this age "normally" behave like and to reassure myself that I am prob being a bit unreasonable to expect certain things and need to remember how old they are.

Nothing as far as I am aware.

I am in a tricky position really.

I have mentioned my concerns to OH, he agrees. I also try to take time out to coax conversations out of her and play games with her and let her come out from the shadow of her sister.

It's hard sometimes for concerns not to be taken as critism when coming from the NR parent by their mum (and I would feel the same to a degree).

This thread was not hijacked by anyone.

Some posters are SM and have children with SN and given the concerns raised by the OP I found their posts very valid and insightful.

OP Nobody thinks you are an evil SM and any child can test your patience. I agree it can be hard as the NP to raise concerns that do not sound like you are just criticising I had to figure that out early on in my SM role and I didn't have DC and was only 22 yo.

I had to figure that out early on in my SM role and I didn't have DC and was only 22 yo.

Snap Reg.

Weather the frustration comes from the gap between the impact on you and the influence you have.

It's almost impossible as a SM to increase your influence much, so the way to sanity is to buffer yourself from the impact. That's only fair on you.

What's not fair on anyone is letting the frustration build. (But saying so always attracts accusations of 'hijack' and so on)

The fact that a primary aged child saying 'daddy' is annoying you speaks volumes about your stress levels.

I don't agree that being a step parent is one of the toughest relationship dynamics out there, I just don't.

Is there anything that would convince you? I don't mean anecdotally on internet forums and websites, but would you accept it if it has been the conclusion of independent research, conducted over years, continents and cultures?

Just like parenting, not all stepparents experience difficulties with relationships with their children, and it can be impossible to envisage the challenges faced by others if your own experience has been relatively trouble-free. I read with horror some of the problems other parents have experienced with their babies/toddlers/teenagers, but I don't for one moment think that because MY experiencing of parenting and relating to my DD has been a managable experience, that it is the same for everyone.

I certainly don't think that the relative ease with which I have built a relationhip with my DD is an inevitable consequence of the behaviour of me and her Dad, anymore than I would attribute blame on those parents who experience difficult and challenging problems relating to their DCs.

True Peru, but if I was having difficulty with a toddler-stage, for example, I'd be interested in the views of parents who'd struggled then found a solution or modus vivendi. Not merely in the 'vents' of people still in the thick of the struggle.

Not to mention the views of adult DSC, PWCs, GPs etc etc....

- I think the "venting" posts of mums of toddlers are some of the most valuable (and often most entertaining) on MN - everyone KNOWS that the mums don't mean it, but right at that moment, the tantrum/food refusal/clothing choice is the last straw and they'd quite happily throw their DC to feed the wolves.

It is, of course, harder reading to accept that when a stepmum vents, she doesn't mean it either - but I think the fact that the stepmum is on a forum in the first place is a pretty strong indiction that they do care, and they don't actually want their DSC to drop off the planet permanantly!

Well the OP read as though weather was looking for solutions. Later she said she was 'just venting' so who knows?

I'd love to see that research peruvian. Can you link some?

Nicki

Both Mavis Heatherington and James Bray did some in depth research a few years ago; the papers were published in various international psychological journals, if you've got a relevant membership, you can probably view them?

I've seen their work, and others, referenced in many of the books, articles and websites I read. A few of key papers seem to be;

Mavis Heatherington - the Virginia longitudinal study

James Bray -Developmental issues in stepfamilies project &
adolescents in stepfamilies

There are more, I'll post some later; most of the well respected stepparenting resources (such as those produced by Relate) have bibliographies which list the academic and clinical research that supports both the principles and practice that they are recommending.

What I find interesting is that the dynamics of the step-parent relationship remain 'interesting' long after the issues of child-rearing have been sorted.

My stepdaughter is now in her mid-twenties. Over the past 5 or 6 years there are times when she's wanted to be very close to me, and to receive support and help. Her relationship with her own Mum has been difficult, and I think she experiences me as quite consistent and helpful during these periods. She has lived with my partner and I for a year during this time, and used us as her base at other times.

But she's now going through a period of getting on better with her own Mum. Or at any rate feeling sorry for her, rather than feeling angry with her. During her last visit, she was pleasant and chatty but much less 'there' with me.

(I am also aware that as her Mum has become quite seriously ill, there's likely to be a time when I'll be the nearest person to a mother that she has. The literal definition of a step-mother is a 'near mother.')

It's quite tricky. Sometimes stepchildren need things from you, and you step up to the plate. At other times they want to keep their distance, and that has to be okay too. With other relationships the 'on/off switch' doesn't get flicked to quite the same extent.

personally I have found step parenting the most difficult relationship I have ever come across.
With your own children you have uncondional love for them, when they are young you have some control over them, if there is a problem you have some power to fix it.
With most adult relationships you also have a great deal of control over what happens... You can be honest with that person, tell them how you're feeling, you can see them when you want to and if things become unbearable you can cut that person out of your life.
Even with relationships at work, if things are terrible you can move departments/jobs.

With step parenting you are pulled in so many directions, one minute you're expected to do this and that but if you're not careful you've over stepped the mark.
DSC often have emotional problems, one minute they love you, the next minute they hate you.
You have very little power over anything.
There's no other people in my life, other than my DSC and their mum, who are constantly judging me and waiting for my halo to slip.
And if things become unbearable I don't have the option to just cut them out of my life, I just have to accept and go along with the decisions that others make. I'm totally powerless in my relationship with DSC.

hi weather, i too brought up 3 children on my own and putting myself in your shoes,trying to do what you are doing for another woman's 2 children would be very hard work. The sc really want their father to do all that and more for them -trying to fill a need that may never be filled. He needs to step up. I would step back, emotionally at least , to protect myself. Wonder why arsenic and nickifury[great names]are so invested in attacking you? Weird! Waiting for them to attack me now!

Take this quote over to SEN, Amar;

DSD2 is poss mildly autistic ...... she makes stupid noises when shy and says goo hoo ga ha and goes on about poo

Post it as your own.

See what happens

You two are like powder kegs.

The composition of my OP was not the best.

I was not connecting those things with her possibly being on the autistic spectrum.

But please misconstrue my post anyway you like. She does those things when shy and awkward and in response to simple questions like "hello how are you?" And "would you like a drink" which is actually quite rude esp to adults she does not know.

Def not SN with DD1. She's very inquisitive and when asked to help extremely compliant (albeit v controlling) DSD2 is poss mildly autistic (in my opinion not professional) she makes stupid noises when shy and says goo hoo ga ha and goes on about poo - a lot (and has a lot of traits).

You weren't connecting those things wit autism?

And anyone who thought you were is choosing to misconstrue?

Ok then

Good luck.

No. I wasn't.

As I said upthread my son has (what was) Aspergers. As I live with him I am well aware that these things are not signs of Autism.

OH is quite crap with boundaries (to posters saying he needs to parent).

I do very much try to take a back seat and not "parent" so much but he is often "deaf" to escalating situation of squabbling or something in the house about to be damaged and when he does step in often make threats of consequences which are not realistic and he is not going to carry through or threaten again moving the goalposts (they have been told the next time they do X they will not be allowed to stay up late and he will then give a further warning - they are told they will lose X for 24 hrs if they do X again he will then threaten 48 hours). Therefore often no consequences hence I will step in and be "fairer" or more realistic.

If he's out I have to parent them. He is getting better but it is a slow process.

I am sorry but anyone who says "possibly mildly autistic", which to me indicates there is an obvious concern, then goes on to describe said behaviour as an irritation/rude/annoying/babyish does deserve to have it pointed out to them that this is not a good way of helping or supporting the child. IMO Arse & Nick highlighted this to the OP.

As pp said go use that sort of description on the SN boards and see how quickly you are "pointed in the right direction". It is not fair to gang up on either of these posters just because they found the OP's description of 2 children disgusting. Now I look at it so do I so you can stick me in that powder keg too.

Bloody typical untouchable SP board. Anywhere else that sort of language would be pulled straight away but here you get called haterz

Some of you need to look outside your own precious little woe is me bubbles SM's do not have a free pass to talk about possible SN children in such a vile way. Nobody should.

Well - I cannot be unqualified to judge and vile so therefore qualified to judge - people have got completely hung up on that remark.

I did not mean that I thought any of the behaviours from BOTH children made me think either of them have SN.

There are other traits I recognise from my DS which make me wonder if there is a MILD issue.