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Original poster

Really immature step-kids

136 replies

Weathergames · 13/04/2015 22:56

I have 3 kids all teenagers who I brought up alone.

I have been with OH for nearly 6 yrs and DSDs are 10 and 8.

I work full time and we have them EOW and about 1/3 of the school holidays.

They do not get taken out a lot at home so therefore have a lot of excess energy when they are here. We always try to do something with them every day they are here (even if just a walk to the park or swimming) and I take leave (as does OH) when they are here in the school holidays.

I admit I struggle with going "back" to these slightly younger ages but ... They are really really immature.

When not being "occupied" by someone else they want to watch TV, go on their tablets or within 5 mins they will end up squabbling.

DD2 cannot tie her shoe laces (I taught DD1 last year) neither can ride a bike (we have tried but both very tall and grow out of any bikes we buy them and now DD1 too scared and too big for stabilisers).

Neither can shower or wash themselves and when out in public they run around like toddlers pulling stuff off shelves in shops or generally pissing about and unable to stand still at all in a queue and behave.

DD1 still wets the bed and DD2 talks (IMO) very baby like and does not string sentences together.

Both girls very tall and want to constantly hold OH hand when out call him Daddy (this isn't a big deal I know) and want to watch programmes on TV which IMO are really very "young" for them.

Their mum does not discuss their bodies with them at all and DSD1 has def just hit puberty and with her height I think will start her periods sooner rather than later, which concerns me as she will not be prepared. She asks me questions and I am truthful in my replies but weary of going too far and stepping on her mums toes.

Both still get up at 8am and are very loud and wake everyone else up despite being told EVERY SINGLE TIME for the last 5 yrs to be considerate of others.

This makes it hard when they are here and causes tensions and I try my best not to allow it to irritate me but it does and I end up feeling like a cow (I do love them).

Does this sound quite immature for their ages or have I forgotten?!

If so how do others deal with it?

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PerpendicularVincenzo · 14/04/2015 17:27

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Original poster
Weathergames · 14/04/2015 17:36

Erm - As a parent of an Austistic child I also feel strongly about this.

When I say that ISN'T what I meant that isn't what I meant. End of.

If I had wanted to discuss Special Needs I would have gone to that board.
Hmm

OP posts:
Reginafalangie · 14/04/2015 17:39

Sorry but I am confused now Confused

You mention their behaviour and you also mentioned possible SN. Then you asked for help regarding whether this was normal. Many said for a child with SN then yes it can be. So please explain what did you mean OP if that isn't what you meant?

needaholidaynow · 14/04/2015 17:41

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Original poster
Weathergames · 14/04/2015 17:44

The comment being referred to about making noises etc - that was not in relation to any SN it was meant in relation to her being shy and "silly" when feeling as such.

Discussing poo and calling people a poohead and saying everything is poo is probably quite normal for an 8 yr old - albeit incredibly annoying and at mealtimes inappropriate.

I did not mean this was an indicator that there are SN in this instance I just mentioned it!

OP posts:
Reginafalangie · 14/04/2015 17:57

Oh well sorry but that is how I read your comment SD2 is poss mildly autistic (in my opinion not professional) she makes stupid noises when shy and says goo hoo ga ha and goes on about poo - a lot (and has a lot of traits). I really don't know how to read that any other way.

Arsenic · 14/04/2015 18:01

Me neither Reg. I've even tried reading it aloud.

Original poster
Weathergames · 14/04/2015 18:01

That's the third time that has been reposted.

I can see how it reads but that is not what I meant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weathergames · 14/04/2015 18:02

As I said about 3 pages ago my sentence construction was not great.

OP posts:
Reginafalangie · 14/04/2015 18:06

Apologises OP. I was simply trying to understand what you meant.

Anyway I hope you are able to keep your irritation in check and find support from their father and mother in helping these girls either by teaching life skills or getting professionals involved.

TooSpotty · 14/04/2015 18:10

OP, I have been a full time stepmother to two children with suspected attachment disorders, and undiagnosed but likely ASD. One was very immature indeed, to the point that her school repeatedly expressed serious concerns about her. She had several different types of therapy with CAMHS but they never really managed to get to the bottom of it - a lot of it seemed to be deep seated fear of growing up and joining what she perceived to be a rather frightening adult world. In the end, it was all subsumed into a serious neurological illness she had - in fact, some of it may have been early manifestation of that - but I can agree that it was pretty difficult to deal with as you feel that you are letting the child now by indulging immaturity in case they suffer from it. I know both her father and I got very frustrated at times, especially when it all imposed serious limitations on our family life. Some of it was very obviously because she wanted to remain very much her father's little girl, and that also became a concern to mental health professionals as she got older and it became more like a fixation, which caused further problems with the family dynamic.

I would say though that some of the things you mention, like waking at 8am, don't seem particularly unusual to me - as the parent of toddlers, I rather envy your lie ins there.

I think you and your partner need to maintain as much stability as you can for the girls, and perhaps try gently to encourage slightly more grown up behaviour. Baby steps so as not to scare them, and maybe trying to think of treats to make change seem more acceptable, eg solo showering encouraged by exciting shower gel, something like that?

Original poster
Weathergames · 14/04/2015 18:24

The waking at 8am is fine it's the shooting at the top of their voices and running up and down the stairs waking up everyone else that I resent, they are old enough to know better and have been asked nicely every single weekend not to do this - they get to stay up late and watch a film (this is supposed to be denied when they wake everyone but that is another story Hmm)

All of mine knew not to do that by at least aged 6.

Two of my older kids have daily paper rounds in the week and the weekend is the only time they get to catch up on sleep and it's just not fair on them they need more sleep being teenagers.

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 14/04/2015 18:39

Not read the whole thread but one thing that I was wondering was at what time of day can dc be loud? 8am seems fair enough to me, 6am I would have an issue with. My point is that they are with their mum more than you so her rules will stick with them more so if they're used to being noisy at 8am then it's a bit unfair to expect them to behave totally differently. I also think it's unfair to compare your dc to them at similar age. Their mum and dad split when they were younger than yours and it seems to affect them differently. their mum may be much more laid back re rules and maybe she's not keen on bikes. Dd1 is 7 and still not great on a bike. It's been really hard teaching her so maybe their dm isn't interested (I also hate bike riding so have only taught dd as I felt I should but is it the end of the world if a dc can't ride a bike?)
nothing you've said screams neglect just different parenting styles and you clearly don't like the dc mum. She isn't doing it how you would - well she's not you.
They're immature? Well I think I'd rather that than trying to be a teen. Baby language and calling their dad daddy is fairly normal ime. I called my dad daddy until I went to secondary school.

Original poster
Weathergames · 14/04/2015 18:54

In our family it is not ok to be loud at 8am on a Sunday morning.

They know this and have been asked to respect the fact that while they might like to be awake other people do not and we have a large enough house for them to be up but respecful and considerate of others. There is plenty for them to do (drawing/board games/ books etc).

I do actually like their mum. When I said she was neglectful that meant I think she is a lazy parent to the point of being neglectful (constant nits, sent with filthy clothes, medical issues not dealt with). This does not mean I dislike her or do not try to help and support her, or make her a bad person.

I don't know why everything has to be so black and white. I love them but sometimes it's really really hard, and I don't always like it even though this is what I chose - just like I don't always like what my own DC do.

OP posts:
NorahDentressangle · 14/04/2015 19:00

Running up and down the stairs and shouting???? We were all early risers but DCs would watch tele.

Why would they run up and down stairs shouting unless attention seeking or something. I would get DH to go down stairs with them then, they'd probably love the 1 to 2 attention for half an hour or so, he can make them breakfast.

m0therofdragons · 14/04/2015 19:00

What are the consequences when they are loud / rewards for being quiet?

NorahDentressangle · 14/04/2015 19:02

DH copping out of parenting is possibly adding to your irritation.

Original poster
Weathergames · 14/04/2015 19:05

He does get up and do them breakfast and then sometimes comes back to bed and they watch TV.

They get one on one time with him during the week when they spend a night with him (he works away but nr them) the weekend is the only time we see each other.

They are choosing to get up and there are things they can do do amuse themselves I really do think they are old enough to be quiet in the morning unsupervised.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weathergames · 14/04/2015 19:07

Watching a film and staying up late is the reward - but I have never once see him follow this through which yes is irritating ESP when he is much harder on my kids and wants really stern consequences.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 14/04/2015 19:10

He's harder on your kids?

This I could not allow. Do you call him on it?

Original poster
Weathergames · 14/04/2015 19:16

Yes Every. Time.

It's a massive bone of contention for me. They are lovely kids (not biased everyone goes on about how lovely they are).

He has not brought up his kids and has no idea of the realities. I have now convinced him that bedrooms (state of) are a no go area and are their personal space so therefore up to them if they are messy.

All kids are expected to help (dishwasher, laying table etc) but if it's not perfect he moans whereas I would thank them first and then say "maybe next time you could..." It is I admit like banging your head against a brick wall as with all kids but he doesn't get that.

The consequence of not doing things properly the first time is having to spend time coming back and doing it again, not having someone have massive rant at you.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 14/04/2015 19:31

Once again we get to the nub of the problem which is, as always, ineffectual parenting on the part of one or more of the ADULTS involved.

You sound like a great Mum and far more patient with your DH than he deserves. This kind of thing really makes my blood boil. It's far easier to boss other peoples kids about than actually do the difficult business of parenting his own clearly.

Reginafalangie · 14/04/2015 19:32

I think your DH's behaviour issues are the bigger problem. Not your SDD's pretty average behaviour. Sorry OP and you will probably disagree but it does sound/read like your are projecting your annoyance/frustration at DP on to SDD.

Just my opinion and by no means steadfast.

kittensinmydinner · 14/04/2015 19:35

OMG !!! Op are you living in my outhouse with the same dsc ? My 13 yr old has been making her own social arrangements since yr 7. DSD same age needs her hand held... Fifteen yr old won't go out without df or me ... 11 yr old went shopping with my dd aged 13 and bought a cuddly toy.. Give me strength ??. .. I have three dcs 20, 17 and 13 they are all completely self sufficient. My dsc require 'parenting' . I have a theory...... Whilst their dm keeps them young, she exerts 'control' , once self sufficient that control has gone. And thus 'power' over ex has also gone.

NickiFury · 14/04/2015 19:39

11 year bought a cuddly toy.

So what?