Really immature step-kids

[Weathergames]

I have 3 kids all teenagers who I brought up alone.

I have been with OH for nearly 6 yrs and DSDs are 10 and 8.

I work full time and we have them EOW and about 1/3 of the school holidays.

They do not get taken out a lot at home so therefore have a lot of excess energy when they are here. We always try to do something with them every day they are here (even if just a walk to the park or swimming) and I take leave (as does OH) when they are here in the school holidays.

I admit I struggle with going "back" to these slightly younger ages but ... They are really really immature.

When not being "occupied" by someone else they want to watch TV, go on their tablets or within 5 mins they will end up squabbling.

DD2 cannot tie her shoe laces (I taught DD1 last year) neither can ride a bike (we have tried but both very tall and grow out of any bikes we buy them and now DD1 too scared and too big for stabilisers).

Neither can shower or wash themselves and when out in public they run around like toddlers pulling stuff off shelves in shops or generally pissing about and unable to stand still at all in a queue and behave.

DD1 still wets the bed and DD2 talks (IMO) very baby like and does not string sentences together.

Both girls very tall and want to constantly hold OH hand when out call him Daddy (this isn't a big deal I know) and want to watch programmes on TV which IMO are really very "young" for them.

Their mum does not discuss their bodies with them at all and DSD1 has def just hit puberty and with her height I think will start her periods sooner rather than later, which concerns me as she will not be prepared. She asks me questions and I am truthful in my replies but weary of going too far and stepping on her mums toes.

Both still get up at 8am and are very loud and wake everyone else up despite being told EVERY SINGLE TIME for the last 5 yrs to be considerate of others.

This makes it hard when they are here and causes tensions and I try my best not to allow it to irritate me but it does and I end up feeling like a cow (I do love them).

Does this sound quite immature for their ages or have I forgotten?!

If so how do others deal with it?

My son is 12. He is very tall ( his current uniform is age 15-16 and he wears a size 9) and he is emotionally immature. He does not cope well with change and his reactions to certain situations can be over the top. He finds it difficult to accept responsibility for his actions. He also struggles with some tasks such as washing his face, he will always miss more than a few dirt marks. Also when he showers or baths he will always come down stairs dressed but soaking wet. I have told him to dry himself properly 10,000 times however he just doesn't. He also calls me mummy and is very loving and kind to others. He also falls out with his siblings. His father and I love and care for him deeply. We spend quality time with all our children and are very active parents. He is yet to be diagnosed we are still waiting

Sometimes OP the problems children have are not always their fault nor are they the fault of the parent/parents.

Instead of using your energy to bitch about them and their mother on here try using it to offer support, try using some of your time to discussing, as 3 adults who care for these girls should, the best way forwards. What help may they need? Who can offer that help? Is there an underlying issue?

I'm sure she'll manage alternative no doubt being away from your obvious dislike will help her be more confident and able.

'm sure she'll manage alternative no doubt being away from your obvious dislike will help her be more confident and able.

We can but hope.

I'm really confused that the mother of a child with ASC is happy to portray ASCs as involving "stupid noises" and a poo obsession

Indeed. Thank goodness she's switched on enough to have managed to achieve the necessary qualifications to get away. Imagine being stuck for longer with that kind of negativity? Doesn't bear thinking about really .

Indeed. Thank goodness she's switched on enough to have managed to achieve the necessary qualifications to get away. Imagine being stuck for longer with that kind of negativity? Doesn't bear thinking about really

Indeed. Thank goodness I spent all those hours teaching her the basics of maths when she was crying her eyes out because she couldn't understand it, all those times tables cubes I made and all those cards to get her to be able to remember things. All those times I took time off to look after her and take her out to places when her mother was campaigning and her dad was at the footie. What an evil bitch I was. Stepmothers, evil through and through eh?

No. Most stepmothers are perfectly lovely (and don't bitch endlessly about their DSC) Alt

Well that's good because in your first post it sounds like you can't stand her at all. Great to hear there was actually something positive going on after all.

Who said stepmothers are evil?

I am a stepmother. I'm not evil.

No one said it Regina it's just the same old tired response that some individual step parents use to detract from themselves when called on their individual negativity towards their SC.

Well that's good because in your first post it sounds like you can't stand her at all. Great to hear there was actually something positive going on after all

She would never have even passed her GCSEs had I not gone through her books and typed up a revision programme, put a revision chart on a whiteboard and coached her through it. She failed all her mocks.

My point to the OP was that it is infuriating when step children turn into babies when they are at your house, when you know they are more than capable. It really can spin you out as you can't be seen to lose your rag with them. I don't hate her I just can't wait for her to leave home and stop relying on other people all the time for everything. We offered driving lessons, but she doesn't want that as 'mum or dad drive her everywhere'. That is what is infuriating.

Perfectly normally not to be able to tie shoe laces at 8, call their father daddy and sleep until 8am. Also not rare to wet the bed at ten though that might benefit from a GP investigation though it could be through an emotional reason. Why are you putting the fact they are tall, want tonhild their father's hand and call him daddy together?

I can see that you've had a lot of input into her success and that's great, but I think you sound angry and resentful about her too. Fact is she wouldn't have passed her exams if she hadn't stepped up on the day and previously done the revision but you give her no credit at all for anything in any of your posts. You do nothing but criticise her and take credit for what she has actually managed to achieve. Does she do anything well? Is she a nice person? Do you see any good in her at all?

Oh don't start tearing the OP apart. Please! She actually sounds a good sort to me, but she's finding her sds hard work. I can tell you for nothing now, so would I.
Being a step parent must be one of the toughest dynamics a relationship and household has to weather. You can't force love.

You can't force love.

Of course you can't Pictish and you have to sit on a fair amount of irritation, not going looking for it.

If OP isn't careful, she'll get a lot of 'they are tall?! wayward lanky little horrors! ' style "support" here. And she REALLY doesn't need that.

Does she do anything well? Is she a nice person? Do you see any good in her at all?

This thread is not about me and I am not going to take it over!

If this was a thread saying wonderful things about stepchildren then of course I'd be stating those. It was about childish behaviour in step kids and I posted how infuriating it is and how you just wish they would stop it. It still is about childish behaviour in stepkids. It is hard work having step kids, and sometimes an OP just needs to know they are not alone in being frustrated.

Just wanted to say that I do understand what OP means when she's mentioning their height.

My DS is very tall for his age, he looks a lot older than he is, he's 5 but is the height of a 7 year old. He's currently playing out with an 8 year old and they're the same height.
So when he acts out, has a bit of a tantrum over something silly, it looks ridiculous.
So if we're out and he has a bit of a strop because I won't let him have an ice cream, if he looked like he's 5 people probably wouldn't bat an eyelid, but because he looks much older people will look and tut.

Sometimes it's easy to forget how young a child is when they look much older.

But OP does know how old they are.

I don't agree that being a step parent is one of the toughest relationship dynamics out there, I just don't. I think it's generally made tough by one or more of the adults involved being childish, jealous and/or ineffectual and this drips down to the relationship between step parent and child. Almost every thread you read on here shows this yet the right to slag step kids off is defended strenuously with very little insight into the adults involved. It makes me really .

I have to say that they sound a lot like my DC when they are nervous/insecure. It's normal to want to regress to be 'looked after' when you feel out of control.

I think you need to step back and let your DH do the parenting. They need love and affection and it's too tough for a step-parent to give this (I know it's awkward/horrible to have a 'big' step child who is regressing!). I think if they felt secure then the rest of the stuff would fall into place.

I would concentrate more on your DH - HE should be taking the time off work and looking after them, NOT you. He's the one who has unconditional love for them and with the best will in the world, you can't do that. That's what they need.

I think it's generally made tough by one or more of the adults involved being childish, jealous and/or ineffectual and this drips down to the relationship between step parent and child.

But not evil, as that is just a tired excuse. Right - gotcha.

Almost every thread you read on here shows this yet the right to slag step kids off is defended strenuously with very little insight into the adults involved

You do know that this is an internet forum right? We don't stand the kids up against the wall and slag them off to their faces? It's an outlet and just like any other outlet. Step parents have feelings and they should be able to voice those to other adults and support each other without having holier than though people stating that it makes them so angry.

Until you live in that dynamic, how can you make a judgement on whose step family is or isn't a tough dynamic? You do know you are not the oracle, don't you?

I think attitude has a lot to do with it and by that I mean the attitudes of everyone in the family. I had SDC before my own DC and frankly found it easier to "parent" them than my own

It seems that bio children can be forgiven most things but a SDC is at fault a lot of the time on this board. There is less tolerance for the behaviours of SDC whether that be oddities/quirks/learned or bad behaviour. Women are told to detach constantly as away to solve the issues they are having. I understand in some instances this is the only option but surely not all

My advice to the OP still stands. Instead of slating these girls try and help them. If mum and dad are too feckless to do anything then maybe they need another caring adult in their life who can at least try to help.

But arsenic what is she to do?

I think the OP sounds fundamentally sympathetic to her sds, even if some of her words reflect her irritation. I doubt she's ever horrible to them.
She will be doing all the right things, I'm sure, but she's an ordinary woman, not a child psychologist.
I am sometimes put out by what some people on here expect other posters to be experts on.

The OP suspects (and let's face it, being in it, she would know better than any of us) that her sds have been somewhat emotionally neglected. This, in turn, makes them hard work to be around. They are not her children and she has to be around them a lot. It is understandable that her pot has boiled over. Like a responsible and compassionate woman, she expresses it here rather than go daft about it at home, which we all agree isn't going to help.

Don't be too quick to write her off as a bad lot.

I didn't mention step parents alternative I said the ADULTS. Adults in these relationships often comprise the non step parent, the ex and the step parent. Equally as often it's the none step parent creating the problem ime, e.g trying to over compensate or the ex being resentful and/or defensive, or the adult couple relationships aren't as healthy as they should be but the resentment is taken out on the step kids who can be challenging and so make an obvious target and dumping ground.

Why do you keep focussing on the evil step parent thing? It's very simplistic don't you think? and also limits how far a discussion can go if you cut any dissension off as being down to that.