Really immature step-kids

[Weathergames]

I have 3 kids all teenagers who I brought up alone.

I have been with OH for nearly 6 yrs and DSDs are 10 and 8.

I work full time and we have them EOW and about 1/3 of the school holidays.

They do not get taken out a lot at home so therefore have a lot of excess energy when they are here. We always try to do something with them every day they are here (even if just a walk to the park or swimming) and I take leave (as does OH) when they are here in the school holidays.

I admit I struggle with going "back" to these slightly younger ages but ... They are really really immature.

When not being "occupied" by someone else they want to watch TV, go on their tablets or within 5 mins they will end up squabbling.

DD2 cannot tie her shoe laces (I taught DD1 last year) neither can ride a bike (we have tried but both very tall and grow out of any bikes we buy them and now DD1 too scared and too big for stabilisers).

Neither can shower or wash themselves and when out in public they run around like toddlers pulling stuff off shelves in shops or generally pissing about and unable to stand still at all in a queue and behave.

DD1 still wets the bed and DD2 talks (IMO) very baby like and does not string sentences together.

Both girls very tall and want to constantly hold OH hand when out call him Daddy (this isn't a big deal I know) and want to watch programmes on TV which IMO are really very "young" for them.

Their mum does not discuss their bodies with them at all and DSD1 has def just hit puberty and with her height I think will start her periods sooner rather than later, which concerns me as she will not be prepared. She asks me questions and I am truthful in my replies but weary of going too far and stepping on her mums toes.

Both still get up at 8am and are very loud and wake everyone else up despite being told EVERY SINGLE TIME for the last 5 yrs to be considerate of others.

This makes it hard when they are here and causes tensions and I try my best not to allow it to irritate me but it does and I end up feeling like a cow (I do love them).

Does this sound quite immature for their ages or have I forgotten?!

If so how do others deal with it?

Step parents have feelings and they should be able to voice those to other adults and support each other without having holier than though people stating that it makes them so angry.

I prefer to support without agreeing/joining in with the slating of children. I am not a big fan of the "there there yes your SDC are a nightmare, we all agree it is their fault" as to me this is not helping it just reinforces the OP's already negative attitude to their SDC. Which by the way children do pick up on no matter how much somebody says "Oh I NEVER show it"

My SDD are very emotionally immature and if I am honest their baby like behavior not only frustrates me and gets on my nerves but it concerns me. Is there anything we the adults can do to support them or teach them how to act more age appropriate?

^ This to me is still venting but without a nasty undertone/slating of either child or parent. I just think it is unnecessary to slate children when asking for support or venting. As it was pointed out up thread this is the internet so there will always be differences in pov and acceptability.

I think she needs to step back if her irritation is as high as it reads pictish. Her empathy levels seem to be running low. Which happens when you are a DSM, but recognising that it IS a different relationship from mother/child, that you don't have the same input, really does help. So you have to look after your own stress levels and not project onto the DC.

And at the end of the day, their behaviour does sound to be within normal range, really.

Keep in mind too, that children can adopt different behaviours with different adults. Some of this sounds like stuff they havent been taught because it doesnt, for whatever reason, suit their mum to do so (does she ride a bike for instance), others within normal variation. But some sounds like circumstancial stuff. Some kids act better at school than home, babyish at grandma's, very mature with auntie. At your house, they fall back into the way they always are at your house.

(And Arsenic a tall for their age child with autism or other SN often suffers more because of it. Looking your age and behaving below your age Looks spoiled and undisiplined to ininformed observers. Looking a year older than your age and acting younger, looks even more so. It's a thing we have coped with since our son was 2 and looked like his 4th birthday was approaching.)

I know two families where the children are particularly tall - in both cases one parent is very tall.

They both talk about it quite a lot, especially the issues it causes with people who don't know the childrens' ages expecting them to act older than they are. One has a 5 year old boy who looks as if he's at least 8. It is a genuine problem for them.

OP, I think I would have a long chat with their dad and try and get some ground rules in place for what you and their mum are ok with in terms of your input - do you think that would help? You mention your frustration at not wanting to overstep the mark, maybe try and establish where the line is for their parents and work to that.

My dd is 8 and has high functioning autism. She needs masses of reassurance because she's hugely anxious and on edge ALL the time. She's quite "immature" too, I despise that word applied to some children who don't meet expectations, especially of people who have no particular love for them. She clings to me when out, likes to walk with her arms round my waist, she runs around and jumps around a lot (sensory issues, trying to make sense of where her body is in space because her brain doesn't send the messages to her limbs and muscles properly). She gets loud and screamy when too hot or hungry, she bursts into tears for no obvious reason. Oh and she's TALL for her age too. However she does not LOOK autistic in any way at all, you'd only know if I told you. I do find it heart breaking to know that many step parents coming in would think as some of you do about such children.

(And Arsenic a tall for their age child with autism or other SN often suffers more because of it.

Moma

Parenting an exceptionally tall for their age child with autism is not something I am going to be lectured to about by anyone, thanks.

She can't just click her fingers and instil years of good mothering into her stepdaughters.
She can't even pack it in, in the time they spend together. Like an intense course of stability and nurturing every other weekend. That they spend the majority of their lives being brought up by their mother, means that that is where they take their cues.
All she can do is be consistent, tolerant and kind while they are there, which I'm sure she is.

Don't ask her to never have an unkind or resentful thought though. No...that's not fair.

(We, as parents, know our children's ages and don't whine about their height because of their SN)

But OP does know how old they are.

Yes and DH and I both know how old my DS is but we still have to stop and remind ourselves sometimes.

My DD is 2&1/2 and looking back I think I expected more from DS when he was her age, I treated him like he was older. Partly because he's bigger but he's also always acted older than he is and he's very very bright.
Sometimes DH will tell him off quite unfairly and I have to remind him "he's only 5!".

As far as OP's DSDs are concerned, it can be very difficult to know whether a child is the way they are because of any SN, whether there's a reason for the way they are or whether that's just how they are.
Children are all individuals, they're all different and sometimes it's best to try not to compare them to others, but just accept them for who they are.
I'm speaking here as a mother of a child with suspected selective mutism, it's frustrating that people expect my DD to do and say things that other children do, maybe there's a medical reason why she doesn't, or maybe that's just her.

I think it's quite clear that Arsenic understands the height issue. The point is though that the OP DOES know how old these children are so the confusion of age appearance not matching behaviour is irrelevant isn't it? Why do posters keep explaining it?

No one is saying she can't have an unkind or negative thought . Where did anyone say that?

There's a certain dogged tone to these kinds of threads though, an obvious undercurrent of dislike and resentment for children who probably don't want the posters in their lives either but have no choice whatsoever.

She can't just click her fingers and instil years of good mothering into her stepdaughters.

Exactly Pictish. She can't. None of us can with our DSC. The only viable route is develop acceptance that their ways are not the ways we have instilled in our own DC, precisely because they are not our own DC.

Don't ask her to never have an unkind or resentful thought though. No...that's not fair.

Who said that?

Isolated thoughts are perfectly normal, I'd have thought.

But becomeing steeped in resentment to the extent that multiple prickly remarks about their height, noises, calling their daddy, 'daddy', etc etc etc are being made is just not good for anyone.

It has never dawned on me to resent my own (AS, v tall) DC's height.

I'm sure OP wouldn't make these remarks about her own child. It's symptomatic.

But she'll probably go the long way around

Gong back to the original question, and ignoring the potential SEN issues, I would say that the children do sound very immature. My DSs are same age.

Why do we ignore the potential SEN issues? They're a huge part of the issue surely?

Nicki I think what Radio means is lets put aside the assumptions and deal with the facts in the OP.

I think the combination of early puberty and being unable to wash or shower would be very difficult in all sorts of ways.

For many issues constructive intervention/help by the children's father can be helpful. But male intervention with anything to do with personal hygiene as female children approach (early?) adolescence is more difficult.

It doesn't sound like an easy situation for the Original Poster. What does her partner think, and how is he trying to encourage the two children towards more independence as they grow? Is he concerned about their development?

Thanks How Long. Clearly it would be a good idea to have the children assessed, but at the moment they do not have a diagnosis, and as such I think they sound immature. Fwiw my nephews have high functioning autism, (same age) and the OPs step DDs sound immature compared to them too.

Is ten classed as early puberty these days? That's year 6 for many DC...and my DD is in the 1st stages of puberty now...as are all her friends.

Mrsflannel What do you class as early puberty? is your dd in yr 6? age 10 yr 6 sounds spot on for early puberty to me sometimes even a little earlier 9 perhaps, and i think its been that way for many years.

It's daft that someone cant vent about their SCs but anything goes for the rest of the family.

There were some interesting and useful comments and suggestions until this was hijacked by Nickifury and Arsenic.

Shame, I had been learning stuff, I presume the OP was too.

Nonsense. It was not hijacked by us at all, unless you call offering alternative view points "hijacking"? It seems strange to me that anyone not agreeing with the OP is dismissed as hating ALL stepmothers or hijacking the thread. What a limited viewpoint that serves only to shut down discussion. But maybe that's the intent? Why are step mothers/parents so untouchable? Anywhere else on the board discussion and different viewpoints are expected, even welcomed. Why not here?

As for "learning stuff", presumably hearing about personal experiences of children with SN that might help to explain to the OP the difficulties that she might face with her step children, does not fit that remit then? In your opinion?

Woah!

I was not meaning to sound like I hate my DSDs OR their mum.

I was venting after a particulary frustrating visit and focused on this intensely irritating issue that was highlighted to me over various incidents.

I love them very much and have gone out of my way to form a healthy and appropriate relationship with them.

Thanks for the constructive comments from those who "get" what I was venting about.

OP, what is happening with regards to possible SN in DSD2? What does her Dad think? Is she being assessed at all?