Having a very hard time!

[fadetogrey]

Hello, I'm brand new here, so thanks in advance for reading. I am engaged to a wonderful man who has a 4 year old son from his previous marriage. His first wife passed away unexpectedly when their son was about 6 months old. His father and I started dating when he (the boy) was about 2.5 years old. I am the first and only person he has dated since the death of his first wife, and it was almost 2 years after her death, so I really don't feel like he rushed into dating again or the timing was poor. We live together now, and since there is no living biological mom, we have his son full-time. All the time.
I feel like a terrible person, but I just don't feel anything for this child. People say things to me like "Oh you're lucky because there's no ex-wife in the picture" or "Oh you're lucky because he was so young when she died he won't even remember her" or "At least there's no baby mama drama!". I suppose all that is true. I also can't say I didn't know my fiance had a son whom he had sole custody of, he was very upfront about it from the first date. I just thought I'd feel differently than I do when it came to living together and actually "raising" him. My fiance works nights and I work days ( him going to days is not an option) so I am basically alone with his son 4-5 evenings and nights a week. It's kind of like being a single parent 4-5 days a week to child who is not yours. There is no other family around to help, his parents are 3 hours away, and the mother's parents are not involved in his life much by their own choice.
I'm trying so hard not to be a terrible stepmother. I am not mean to the child, I feed him, bathe him, all the things I'm supposed to. I just don't truly in my heart care about him. If he went away tomorrow forever, I wouldn't miss him. I have zero maternal instinct towards him whatsoever. He's not a terrible kid, a little too clingy and whiny and needy for my liking, but not poorly behaved. I just do not enjoy having him around all day every day and night. He wants constant attention and needs constant looking after. Every single thing we do has to be with him in mind. Can't go here or there, because he needs to have a nap during the day and if he doesn't get it he will be terrible. Can't do anything anymore that isn't child-friendly. He is with us ALL THE TIME. He goes to daycare while I'm at work, but it's still me taking him in the morning, picking him up in the evening, and taking care of him by myself.
My situation is ....different when the stepkid has no other biological parent living and therefore have nowhere to go every other weekend or in the summer, etc. Also, with his dad being on night shift (and unwilling and unable to change to days), I am basically alone with this child who isn't mine most nights.
If I complain or express my unhappiness it's the old "Well I told you about him when we first met and you knew the situation". Or the "he can't help it that his mom died".
I don't want to be a surrogate mother for this boy. I'm fine being a stepmother, but the "situation" kind of requires me to be more than that. I'm doing it, but it's very hard for me to not feel like a terrible person ever day because I don't love this boy as if he were my own.
Anyone else in a similar boat? Tell me as he gets older and less dependent I'll feel differently about him, please!

According to the OP she is seeing to his needs and being kind.

its true that a step parent is not required to love their step child but a child NEEDS a secure and loving attachment to soneone and this poor little boy doesn't appear to have this.
The father should be providing this and not a step parent. Feeding and caring for him is great but he will be missing out on many basic nurturing interactions Which form the basis of his emotional development.

Yes ledkr, that was I have said all along. Kids need a loving parent, ragardless of
their sex. They need to feel loved it is very important.

Op has come back with (shit) research to minimise her effect on this subject. No understanding of how this boy is affected.

Poor kid.

Come on OP, you've been brave enough to be honest about your feelings.

Don't undermine that with specious links.

Children need love from their primary carer to thrive.

Nobody can step in an fulfil that role with love while you are taking up the space and fulfilling it with minimal tolerance. Vacate it.

Yes arsenic - children need love from a primary carer to thrive - research has shown that, regarardless of sex, kids need to be loved! One of the most basic of things tell your kids you love them! Has this boy ever heard that? I feel everyone is minimising what has happened to him. Poor boy indeed

So this situation has be compared to children in care

He isn't though is he. He has his father and grandmother that can at least offer paternal/maternal love if they were around more.

youare I've not been in op situation but I've been in the child's situation. I moved to my dads at eight when he and sm had only just met. We actually moved in to her flat to accommodate me. She met my needs. Fed and clothed me but that was it. We never got that bond and I knew I was an inconvienence my dad also worked nights. They went in to have two ds. I honestly felt like the forgotten child. My df was actually worse at missing me out than she was but that's a different thread. I can go 12 months without seeing my df. There is no adult meaningful relasionship.

both of them are selfish

I am using children in care as an example of a situation where children don't necessarily get all this love that they "deserve", not as an ideal. I just think that all this "but he deserves love!" is unfortunately idealistic.

I don't agree with this situation, I think it's fucked up, and I feel enormously sorry for the child.

BUT
maybe things could improve if the OP had some pressure taken off her. Is it not worth at least trying that before she ships out?

If your stepmother had left, would that in itself have guaranteed you more love or a better childhood?

Yes he does deserve love. He isnt in care - he is at home. So to expect some kind of warmth is not unrealistic at all. In fact it's bloody cold.

I teach children sport and over time manage if they are regular I manage to build a fondness or even a like for my pupils . This woman feels nothing for a child she has had and raise for 1.5 years from a baby. She needs to move on. His dad needs to wake up and see what he is doing.

I wonder if op is thinking of having her own children?

Yes but the OP leaving will not guarantee him love will it? It will cause him distress and he will experience more loss.

No it will mean his dad has to step up and be the main care giver and maybe his grandmother can step in too.

rain I honestly can't fathom why you think this situation is better that not being raised by her at all. The amount of emotional damage this little boy will have because he was basically raised by some one who wouldn't care if she never seen him again. Her words not mine. How the fuck is that healthy? It's not.

If that little boy was a grown womsn on here asking a advice about her emotionally stunted DH. That fed and dressed her, meets her needs but he doesn't love her. Would posters tell her to stay. Better the devil you know ect?? No. They would tell her to leave and seek an alternitive life.

Op need to stop putting her needs and her Dh needs before this little child's.

Op need to stop putting her needs and her Dh needs before this little child's.

No, her DH needs to stop putting his needs before everyone else's.

Seriously, where in the OPs posts do you get the idea from that if the OP leaves, the dad will step up?

I do not think that this situation is good, it's fucked up but the child's care needs are being met with patience and kindness. I'm a teacher and I wish that were true for every child!

I don't love my stepdad and I'm sure he doesn't love me. He's been in my life and with my mum for over twenty years. He is kind and civil to me, where is the problem?

It may be best for the child here if the OP walks away but where is the harm in trying to improve things first?

His dad has a legal responsibly to. He isn't still going to work nights with a four year old is he?

Op is the main care giver. She states she is civil to him but look at the terminology she uses to discribe him. Was you raised mainly by your step father rain? I bet you wasnt you have no idea what it's like, to spent most of your day with some one that is civil. Fuck - I can be civil to my mil and I hate her. No it's not enough. I gather you can remember a time when your sf wasn't around? This child won't. He will grow up thinking it's normal to have her treat him like this. And what if she has children, hecwill see her show love warmth and affection to her children. And I wonder what he will think he did wrong.

How is the OP meant to build a mutually beneficial, loving and respectful bond with this child if she is just being used as cheap child care? Her relationship with the fiance is only 18 months old but she and his son see little of him.
Working mums rushing to drop off and pick up can find it stressful, a shift working dp can make it even harder.
Maybe this relationship won't work out and yes I do feel for the child but the OP also deserves empathy. She's honest enough to admit her concerns.

I find the concept of being "required" to love someone a bit odd. Makes it sound like a policy at work. "You are required to wear an I'd badge and smart trousers"! You either love someone or you don't, you can't turn it on or off, it's something that grows. You fall in love with a partner, you instantly love your baby (vast majority). It's the same with dsc, you build a relationship, you come to love them. Or you don't. Either is ok and it doesn't follow that if you don't love them that you're WSM. A WSM is someone who is nasty to or about the child.

I think the op did sleepwalk into this. The point to consider and scrutinise everything - are you cut out for it, are you happy with your dp's parenting, are you happy that your finances will be less because of child support, would you be prepared to have his children living with you full time (always a possibility) is before moving in.

Of course hindsight is a wonderful thing and it's never cut and dried. And a situation that is first acceptable can change, we can't predict the future.

Here it's a very sad situation for this little boy who has lost his mum. The op is being real about her feelings and becoming his mother figure is not for her. The little boy should come first and she should be able to walk away. It may leave him more vulnerable, it may work out that dad meets someone who is happy to fill the role but that's not her responsibility.

So really all this thread is about is trying to relieve your sense of guilt because you know you are not treating that child fairly, and as such probably not your fiance either, and you are desperately seeking reassurance that you are doing nothing wrong so that YOU and YOU only can feel better.

You are so much more concerned about your own wellbeing than that of the child, it is heartbreaking. You are showing absolutely no care whatsoever for the feeling of that poor kid whose has gone through emotional upheaval and somehow seemed to have convinced yourself that your feelings are much more important because after all, it is not your fault that you can't show any love for that child. As for your utter lack of empathy for a woman who lost her partner who was her whole source of support, and her daughter in clearly distressing circumstances, who only had her grandchild to leave for, but was treated like nothing more than a convenient babysitter when it suited your wonderful fiance), who clearly was suffering from bad depression but that wasn't the concern of your partner let alone yours, and was only to happy to dispose of her when she wasn't needed any longer, there is nothing much to say.

What a wonderful pair you too are making. Like someone said, reading your post makes me oh so massively grateful that I've managed to survive up to a point where my kids are old enough not to suffer such selfish and coward behaviour. The idea that I could have gone and left them with a father who clearly would rather pick working long hours that means he doesn't have to look after our children and leave them with a woman with such a cold heart sends me chills in my back.

The only positive outcome would be for you to realise that your fiance is only really interested in you as a replacement of his mother in law with benefits, ie. a babysitter than can give him a bit more, so that you leave him and he realises that to avoid the same scenario happening again, he will need to pick a new girlfriend who actually shows some love towards his son.

By the way, your article was probably just what you were looking for (and not found as much here as you probably hope). You are just forgetting the fact that being a step-mum to a child that you only see every other week-end, with a dad who is very present in their lives is completely different to becoming a full time step-mum to a young child whose lost his mum and whose dad is busy working. In the first instance, the SM has limited impact on the child's well-being, on the second, ie, your situation, you do become very much a surrogate mother, much closer in terms of role to that of his real mother than a eowender SM.

I was the child in this exact situation. Losing a mother you have no memory of is a unique loss. You aren't comforted by thoughts of her and how much she loved you, and you do look to your nearest female care giver to fulfil that role. I was lucky that my Dad married a wonderful woman when I was three and she became my Mum. She has now been my Mum for over 30 years and was by my side when I gave birth recently. But even with that wonderful relationship I still have a sense of sadness and loss sometimes, and things could be difficult growing up. I cannot imagine how much harder it would have been if my father had abandoned me to the care of someone who had no interest in me whatsoever.

Shame on him for doing that and shame on you for allowing it. Why are people advising the OP to stick at it? Two years into a relationship is surely time to be trialling if things will work, especially where there are children involved. If one partner doesn't want the other partner's children around then that should be it, it shouldn't even be a choice. I would say the same whatever the gender and whatever the board. Adult relationships shouldn't come before the welfare of children and it's awful how many people are happy to prioritise them.

Two most excellent posts.

I used to work as a nanny so clearly no biological ties. Yet I loved each and every child I had cared for from 6 weeks to 4 months. I can't understand how the OP doesn't love this lovely boy. Having said thepat I was fostered by many different people and not all of them loved me. The homes I was happy and then people caring and genuine - I was loved. The home where they did it for money - not loved. You have to come to it with the right frame of mind. The OP doesn't love this boy as she doesn't want to care for him 24/7. That is never going to change.

The father may be acting wrongly, he may feel this is how his marriage was and therefore right but what does it say when he hasn't noticed how unhappy his fiancée is. Or has he and the need for care overrides it so he doesn't care enough. He has more to loose.

Surely your partner doesn't work or sleep every hour of the day? Can he not step up and do the getting him ready in the morning and collecting him and getting him fed and play with him before going out to do a night shift? Also I don't think you are meant to do permanent night shifts as it was proven bad for health though maybe only nhs follow this.

I don't know how you can love this man to be honest.

Doesn't it enter your mind, that if you had kids with this man and sadly died he would just be looking for someone to replace you than looking after his own children.

I would have zero respect for this man myself, maternal feelings or not, everyone knows that if one parent dies, then the other should be the primary carer and being there for his son.

Poor little boy, must feel as if his both his parents are gone. Shame on the dad and shame on you really for letting it continue.

Does this man never once stop and think to himself if his late wife would be happy with how her son is being treated.

It is hard to see how your relationship can succeed in the long term if you feel like this. The circumstances aren't going to change significantly even if you do get married.

If you are holding out for things to get better, (for you to feel better), as the child gets older, then that's a false hope. His needs will change but they will still be very demanding - that's the nature of children.

He is very little - there will be years of intensive parenting required ahead. You don't sound - no blame implied; not everyone is up to it - at all interested in that. And it is hard, sometimes, but it is balanced out by the love and pride hat you have for your children, step or otherwise, and that makes it worthwhile. If you don't feel that, then it is a pretty thankless task.

You should look down the lens of what will your life will be like in 5 or 10 years. What do you see? Even if you have children of your own, that little boy will still be there, expecting you, quite rightly, to mother him. And you sound as if you will really resent that pressure. And I expect you will end up resenting your partner for it as well.

Doesn't sound like a particularly pleasant prospect for anyone involved...

I just read OPs latest update.

Firstly DF needs to get a new job working normal hours and be this child's DAD and primary caregiver.

OP needs to move on and hopefully find a relationship which doesn't involve step children.

OP stop this farce now. As others have said parenting IS a pretty thankless task. The fulfilment comes from deep mutual love, from being unable to imagine life without that unique and fascinating little person.

It's no good waiting for things to "get easier" with a 4yo. There's a hell of a long way to go yet. It only gets "easier" in some ways, and harder in others, as they go through each stage of development.

Get out now.

This thread is really sad.

'The child' may not 'deserve' love but they NEED it from someone. Currently his only living parent sees little of him and his primary carer doesn't care about him.

The OP's update is entirely about justifying her (lack of) emotion and says nothing at all about changing her 'D'P's hours or about the many reasonable criticisms of him made on here.