Having a very hard time!

[fadetogrey]

Hello, I'm brand new here, so thanks in advance for reading. I am engaged to a wonderful man who has a 4 year old son from his previous marriage. His first wife passed away unexpectedly when their son was about 6 months old. His father and I started dating when he (the boy) was about 2.5 years old. I am the first and only person he has dated since the death of his first wife, and it was almost 2 years after her death, so I really don't feel like he rushed into dating again or the timing was poor. We live together now, and since there is no living biological mom, we have his son full-time. All the time.
I feel like a terrible person, but I just don't feel anything for this child. People say things to me like "Oh you're lucky because there's no ex-wife in the picture" or "Oh you're lucky because he was so young when she died he won't even remember her" or "At least there's no baby mama drama!". I suppose all that is true. I also can't say I didn't know my fiance had a son whom he had sole custody of, he was very upfront about it from the first date. I just thought I'd feel differently than I do when it came to living together and actually "raising" him. My fiance works nights and I work days ( him going to days is not an option) so I am basically alone with his son 4-5 evenings and nights a week. It's kind of like being a single parent 4-5 days a week to child who is not yours. There is no other family around to help, his parents are 3 hours away, and the mother's parents are not involved in his life much by their own choice.
I'm trying so hard not to be a terrible stepmother. I am not mean to the child, I feed him, bathe him, all the things I'm supposed to. I just don't truly in my heart care about him. If he went away tomorrow forever, I wouldn't miss him. I have zero maternal instinct towards him whatsoever. He's not a terrible kid, a little too clingy and whiny and needy for my liking, but not poorly behaved. I just do not enjoy having him around all day every day and night. He wants constant attention and needs constant looking after. Every single thing we do has to be with him in mind. Can't go here or there, because he needs to have a nap during the day and if he doesn't get it he will be terrible. Can't do anything anymore that isn't child-friendly. He is with us ALL THE TIME. He goes to daycare while I'm at work, but it's still me taking him in the morning, picking him up in the evening, and taking care of him by myself.
My situation is ....different when the stepkid has no other biological parent living and therefore have nowhere to go every other weekend or in the summer, etc. Also, with his dad being on night shift (and unwilling and unable to change to days), I am basically alone with this child who isn't mine most nights.
If I complain or express my unhappiness it's the old "Well I told you about him when we first met and you knew the situation". Or the "he can't help it that his mom died".
I don't want to be a surrogate mother for this boy. I'm fine being a stepmother, but the "situation" kind of requires me to be more than that. I'm doing it, but it's very hard for me to not feel like a terrible person ever day because I don't love this boy as if he were my own.
Anyone else in a similar boat? Tell me as he gets older and less dependent I'll feel differently about him, please!

No flossy op agreed at the time and now she is in the thick of things she is asking to rebalance things. She is asking to do less childcare, for her dp to be present more and to have some couple time.

How many times do pregnant women state they will do xyz when they have the child and then change their minds? And mn says oh things change when you actually the child.
What do we say when an op writes that her dp won't help with childcare because she has always done it therefore this is her role alone. The collective voice says the dp is sexist and controlling. Only with sm do we dress it up as the woman being unreasonable we just don't do this with fathers let alone step fathers .

So biological parents are entitled to be caught off guard by reality especially mums but sm are expected to adhere slavishly to the set up they first entered into . They cannot complain to their dp or online or have any expectation that their dp do the bulk of parenting their own child.

You rather understandably do not want.to.be the little.boy's replacement mum and primary carer. Sadly his father also does not want the job of primary carer. That is a desperately sad situation and one that you should walk away from. Your df is in the market for a mother to his child who will do the school run and dentist while he carries on working as though nothing has changed.

Sorry flossy I agree op went into things willingly nit she wants a rebalance

A rebalance is totally acceptable and I do not think the OP is being unreasonable to want that at all.

However like a broken record I cannot seem to get away from the lack of feeling she has for this boy. It really is a red flag for me. I honestly don't think the OP will be happier even if the father takes over the primary role, I think she wants a part time step child and that is just not going to happen.

One solution would be for the OP to move out but continue the relationship. That way she would only see the child part time, would not be his primary carer and it would be done to the DP to arrange child care so he could spend quality time with OP.

I agree almost flossy.

I don't see the words on the page as a red, because they don't match ops action.

I agree to moving out to force the father to step up. But as I said before I imagine the dp will find a new woman to take up this burden preferably unpaid very quickly.

If that is the case the the OP is well shot of him.

]Everyone wants something out of a relationship. The OP wants a part time step child, an attentive DP who can give her his total attention. He wants a women who will love his child and provide a mother figure for him which allows him to complete his idea of the father role. I am not saying either need is bad just that I don't think the father should be kicked for wanting that out of his relationship just as the OP shouldn't be kicked for wanting what she does out of hers.

How sad that the little boy's biological grandparents don't want any involvement with their late daughter's child.

Flossy I don't think op wants total attention. She wants a balance which is not unreasonable.

I think the father should be metaphorically kicked because he is dressing up his lifestyle aspirations as being solely for the benefit of his son when all evidence suggests that since his wife's death he has used the women in his life unpaid to support the lifestyle that he wants. And then has the audacity to refuse to even discuss it with the woman he wants to marry and is apparently good enough to raise his child

I think your initial compliance/agreeance to take over the role of "mother" from the grandmother has contributed to your DP believing you are happy to play mum

I also get that feeling. I find it odd that the grand mother was in the picture for at least 4 years, had main care for that child for at least a few of those years, so that she probably became a substitute mother to that child and all in a sudden, she is not good enough to even have a presence in his life. Doesn't anyone cares about the affect this has had on the child?

Step fathers are not told it is their duty to assume the role of the absent father and anything less is emotional abuse and evidence to f their selfish immaturity
I totally disagree with this. Step-father ARE expected to take on a father's role in terms of supporting his step-children. Even the government sets up rules that gives them no choice in the matter. The difference is that they usually are much more comfortable with the concept of accepting that their new partner comes with children and that he is taking on a package.

The reason I concentrate on the dp rather than the child because this child is fundamentally safe and well and has an advocate in the form of his father and in the case of disaster social services. There is no one to look out for the op apart from op
So it is ok for a 4 child to expected nothing more than just to be safe whilst a grown up adult who has choices and support should be looked after? Really?

No flossy op agreed at the time and now she is in the thick of things she is asking to rebalance things. She is asking to do less childcare, for her dp to be present more and to have some couple time.

Maybe that balance would have been in place if the grandmother hadn't disappeared from the child's life. Nothing much has been mentioned about this except that said GM was suposedly unstable, yet somehow stable enough that the parent with parental responsibility thought she was good enough to care for his son for many years.

I can't help but think there is more to her being out of the way than her just being unstable and deciding to suddenly want nothing for a child she looked after primarily for his first years in life.

OP I really feel for you. If you had less responsibility, you would feel less resentment towards your DSS and maybe feel more loving towards him.

Having a partner work night shifts is shit. It is like being a single parent in many ways. You are stuck in the house once the child is in bed. You can't pop out for coffee with a friend, grab a loaf of bread if you've run out etc. You are the only adult in the house so you are 100% responsible. You are also by yourself with no company so maybe feeling isolated and lonely. You go to sleep in an empty bed with no one to cuddle up to.

Of course the OP had no idea about the realities of parenting until she had to do it, none of us did! Jumping in with a four year old, full time(!) is tough. I am an adoptive parent and going from being childless to having responsibility for a walking talking fully formed little person (who doesn't stay where you put them like a baby does!) is bloody hard. It's a shock. And you don't love them initially (even if you live the idea of them) and that makes it even harder. Plus people expect the OP to be grateful that there is no mother on the scene.

Your DPs shift pattern is not just up to him, it impacts on you. His attitude of "suck it up" because you knew what you were getting into is very selfish. He doesn't want to take responsibility for his own child so why should you? He is asking an enormous amount from you. What would he do if you walked out today? Find a nanny? Repair the relationship with his former MIL? Frantically sign up for OLD hoping to find a replacement?

A woman would not behave how he is behaving. A woman would adjust her hrs to suit having a child. And as for him not claiming single parent benefits, he has had £££££ of free childcare from you and his former MIL! Without you he might not even be able to work, depending on his shift hrs and the availability of local childcare. This is what single parents have to do.

It sounds like he doesn't appreciate you at all.

As for not loving your DSS, I agree that you are doing your best and that at the moment he doesn't have a mother. For him it's you or nothing. Although every child "deserves" loving parents, in the sense that that would be ideal, the reality is that many children don't have two parents that love them.

Many children are in foster care or in other situations where care can be guaranteed but not love.

OP you need a break. Go away for the weekend, stay with a friend for a week. You need space from this child in order to breathe and see your feelings more clearly. Your DP also needs to face up to parenting without you picking up the slack. Maybe after this you can discuss things on a more equal footing with him.

No swing I mean in the context of this thread I am concentrating on the op because if she leaves the relationship she needs to recognise the red flags with her current dp.

I agree this merry go round of women that are the new mummy is wholly inappropriate. I blame the father. I also think he shoved grandma out the way to lock the op down into the role he wanted for her.

I strongly disagree that step fathers are expected to replace absent fathers and pick up all the wife work. Step fathers are allowed to step back and applauded for merely tolerating the presence of the "baggage". Yes the government expects a new partner to financially contribute but that does not extend to full parental responsibility at all.

I use the word baggage because broadly in ill that is how I have heard the situation described.

OP what hours does your DP work? When my DP works nights he is home by 6.30am and sometimes takes MY DC to school so I can have a lie-in.

I am also intrigued by the former MIL going from being good enough for the role of substitute parent to suddenly being unstable and replaced. Very odd and very convenient that the OP was already lined up for the role before she was declared unfit and booted out

Izzy24 Sat 21-Mar-15 09:21:23
"How sad that the little boy's biological grandparents don't want any involvement with their late daughter's child."

I don't think that's exactly the case though, Izzy - the OP has said that the grandmother was lying and stealing and was kicked out of the house never to return by her DP.

The poor boy's father needs to be there far more. It's a total cop out that he leaves it all to you and sees him at the weekend.
As you rightly say, you aren't his mother and you don't feel like his mother. That's why his father needs to be raising him with your help, not the other way round.
The boy has no mother, that's as you say tha hand he was dealt, but your partner also has no wife, that's the hand he was dealt. So not wanting to be a full time parent isn't something he gets to choose anymore. He had a child, with certain expectations, but they have changed, he has to deal with that.

You think the child will get less hard work as he gets older - he's lost his primary attachment figure (mum) and his secondary attachment figure (grandma) his third attachment figure is absent most of the time (dad) and his main carer doesn't really want him. So no, he's not going to get easier. He's going to get more and more damaged by the situation. You're likely to find yourself staying up at night waiting for him to turn up drunk, or driving the streets looking for him, or worrying about him never leaving the house, or any of the myriad things that disturbed adolescents can do which terrifies their parents. He's not going to grow up well adjusted and that's your partner's fault and responsibility.

So it sounds like op was told of grandmas misdeeds by dp and never actually witnessed it. Again very convenient that the dp happened across op just as grandma became so unsuitable. RED FLAG

It doesn't sound like the op or any subsequent woman can win with the child's father. Work full time, contribute financially to household, do bulk of childcare and wife work, forge an near instant genuine loving bond with child, don't expect to have any free time Monday to Friday, and don't question dp.

Where does one find a decent Mary poppies/perfect mother these days?

Of course this woman must be suitably deferential and know her place.

Yes Ehric, that's what I refrring go up thread. Op and her DP are oblivious about the emotional impact of this sad situation on this poor little boy.

I'm sorry for you OP. I have a 6 year old who is very demanding and drives me nuts a lot of the time. Sometimes I think I don't want to be here!!! But the realisation that I am all he has (well, and his dad) makes me bite my lip and try harder.
Would you consider some sort of counselling to help give you tools to deal with this. If you consider it worth it I am sure you could change your attitude towards this child and enjoy him rather than see him as a chore.
I also have a 12 year old who is hard work too but in a different way: parents is hard and I do the occasional parenting course just to be reminded that I am human/normal and to get suggestions on how to deal with situations. You are like an adoptive parent except that you didn't seek this situation so surely there are facilities to help adoptive parents who are struggling????

I agree this merry go round of women that are the new mummy is wholly inappropriate. I blame the father. I also think he shoved grandma out the way to lock the op down into the role he wanted for her

We are all making assumptions here, it is inevitable, but what if OP didn't feel comfortable with her partner's ex mother having an important place in the life of him and his child, she herself indicated that she was happy to take over the role to get her out of the way? After all, what was the benefit to him to alienate his mother in law and make his new partner unhappy? I can't help but think that the GM became 'unstable' when she was told that she wasn't required any longer and could get out of what would have become her home to make room for a new partner. Maybe that's why OP is anxious about telling her fiance how she feels. This is all assumptions of course since we don't know anything about what happened then.

I strongly disagree that step fathers are expected to replace absent fathers and pick up all the wife work. Step fathers are allowed to step back and applauded for merely tolerating the presence of the "baggage". Yes the government expects a new partner to financially contribute but that does not extend to full parental responsibility at all.

Surely considering that step-fathers have no choice but to pick up financial responsibility for their SC, that means that becoming a SF comes with more expectations? SMs can say no to anything, SF can't tell the government to get stuffed? If I lose my job tomorrow, my husband will have no choice but to pick up supporting them financially. Their dad gets away with it because he is self-employed and the csa have believed that he is being supported by his partner and she doesn't have to pay a penny towards them.

Being financial responsibilty for a child is certainly no less worthy than being responsible for other aspect of their welfare. And indeed, it is quite amazing that SF should be made to be financially responsible for their CB yet have no rights over their health, education etc... I certainly think SF have it a lot worse than SMs in most circumstances, but that's my view.

I agree with Tomo that counselling might be the way to go. What you need to come to terms with is whether you are struggling to care and even love that child because you are exhausted with the role you taken on, and would the role be lightened, you could form that essential bond with the child that would make everything better in which case, you could start looking at alternatives with your fiance (and ideally doing so before you go ahead and get married).

Or do you and your fiance need to accept that you are unlikely to ever care, let alone love that child no matter what because either you don't have the maternal fibre, or because you will always see him as the child of a woman who your fiance loved and probably would still be with if she hadn't passed away, or you are too self-focussed to want to share a partner with any other human being that is not related to you? In that case, I strongly believe that it would be for the benefit of everyone long term if you walked away.

You don't have to love him or be his mother. It's unfair expectation
But you speak about him in a horrific manner(his poor speech, constantly (in caps) talking, following you around, etc). You don't outright say you hate him but your actions prove otherwise. I see you say you don't show him your resentment but do you think if its texture is crystal here online, he doesn't sense or feel it?

It's quiet twisted how you defend his father, who makes the choice to work as long as he does but you attack(his poor speech, whiny, clingly) a 4 year old about what is normal behaviour for his age!

My gut turns by the encouragement you get here to continue this relationship.
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