Having a very hard time!

[fadetogrey]

Hello, I'm brand new here, so thanks in advance for reading. I am engaged to a wonderful man who has a 4 year old son from his previous marriage. His first wife passed away unexpectedly when their son was about 6 months old. His father and I started dating when he (the boy) was about 2.5 years old. I am the first and only person he has dated since the death of his first wife, and it was almost 2 years after her death, so I really don't feel like he rushed into dating again or the timing was poor. We live together now, and since there is no living biological mom, we have his son full-time. All the time.
I feel like a terrible person, but I just don't feel anything for this child. People say things to me like "Oh you're lucky because there's no ex-wife in the picture" or "Oh you're lucky because he was so young when she died he won't even remember her" or "At least there's no baby mama drama!". I suppose all that is true. I also can't say I didn't know my fiance had a son whom he had sole custody of, he was very upfront about it from the first date. I just thought I'd feel differently than I do when it came to living together and actually "raising" him. My fiance works nights and I work days ( him going to days is not an option) so I am basically alone with his son 4-5 evenings and nights a week. It's kind of like being a single parent 4-5 days a week to child who is not yours. There is no other family around to help, his parents are 3 hours away, and the mother's parents are not involved in his life much by their own choice.
I'm trying so hard not to be a terrible stepmother. I am not mean to the child, I feed him, bathe him, all the things I'm supposed to. I just don't truly in my heart care about him. If he went away tomorrow forever, I wouldn't miss him. I have zero maternal instinct towards him whatsoever. He's not a terrible kid, a little too clingy and whiny and needy for my liking, but not poorly behaved. I just do not enjoy having him around all day every day and night. He wants constant attention and needs constant looking after. Every single thing we do has to be with him in mind. Can't go here or there, because he needs to have a nap during the day and if he doesn't get it he will be terrible. Can't do anything anymore that isn't child-friendly. He is with us ALL THE TIME. He goes to daycare while I'm at work, but it's still me taking him in the morning, picking him up in the evening, and taking care of him by myself.
My situation is ....different when the stepkid has no other biological parent living and therefore have nowhere to go every other weekend or in the summer, etc. Also, with his dad being on night shift (and unwilling and unable to change to days), I am basically alone with this child who isn't mine most nights.
If I complain or express my unhappiness it's the old "Well I told you about him when we first met and you knew the situation". Or the "he can't help it that his mom died".
I don't want to be a surrogate mother for this boy. I'm fine being a stepmother, but the "situation" kind of requires me to be more than that. I'm doing it, but it's very hard for me to not feel like a terrible person ever day because I don't love this boy as if he were my own.
Anyone else in a similar boat? Tell me as he gets older and less dependent I'll feel differently about him, please!

imnotyourtype sadly I have to agree with you, when I read the OP my first reaction was one of sadness for the boy. I know it is hard the SPs, I'm one myself, and the expectations placed on us can be daunting.

But the young child never asked for any of it, he is the innocent one. So talking about whining, following the OP around etc sounds mean-spirited. Both the OP and the DF have choices, what choice does the DSS have?

Thanks again for your continued input. I found this article, which I think is helpful and true:

www.salon.com/2010/06/29/stepchildren_toleration_love_open2010/

It brings up an interesting point - stepkids aren't REQUIRED to have feelings of love for their stepparents - so it's not really fair to expect stepparents to have feelings of love for them, is it? What I'm hoping for is, as he grows up, a mutual respect and positive relationship - deep, true feelings of parent/child love, though? Maybe not. Some of you hit it on the head for me - just because the bio mother is dead doesn't require me to have feelings for this child that I wouldn't be expected to have if she were living. It's not his fault his mother is dead, but it's not my fault either - I am the STEP-mother, whether the bio mother is living or not, and my goal is to do a decent, fair job of that role, not become the mother. I've decided I'm comfortable with that.

To those who inferred/outright commented that I was somehow hurting the boy by NOT feeling maternal love for him - thanks for your input, but I respectfully disagree. As I said in my post - it's true I don't enjoy spending so much time alone with this child. He's NOT mine, I DON'T feel maternal love/attachment to him/he IS an annoying/intolerable at times 4 year old right now (anyone who says a 4 year old is sunshine and rainbows all the time is lying, I think!), but I DO take care of his needs and I try not to let my frustration show. I don't yell or scream at him, I don't discipline him too harshly, I don't ignore him.

I don't think my complaints are outside of the realm of normal for ANY parent. I get almost ZERO time without the child. That's exhausting and draining for bio parents, too. His dad sleeps during the day, yes. He gets up a few hours before his shift starts and has the house to himself (the boy is at daycare and I'm at work during this time) for a little while at least. Since I have moved in to the home, I have not had one single day/half day/few hours (except for a handful of dr. appointments, yippee!) without the child. Dad comes home early in the weekday morning and goes to sleep. I get this boy up, feed him, ready him to go to daycare, take him to daycare, go to my job for 8-9 hours, pick him up from daycare, feed him dinner, entertain him, bathe him, put him to bed. By that time, I'm exhausted. I clean up the house a little bit and go to bed myself. Repeat 5x a week. On weekends, I work every other weekend, so yes, dad takes care of him those days, but as soon as I get up in the morning, the boy is awake already (when do they start sleeping in on weekends, by the way??) and he's there when I return home. By the time it's bedtime on those weekends I am ready for bed myself, as I have worked all day and have to work again the next. On weekends I'm off, obviously we spend all day together. I'm not saying it shouldn't be this way with a young child who lives there full time - of course he's around all the time. I'm just saying it's exhausting for anyone - bio parent or not. If I am off on a weekday, he doesn't go to daycare that day to save a little money. I don't resent the child for existing - I just want a quiet moment to relax sometimes without someone constantly wanting something, needing something, making noise, making a mess, etc!!

My guilt comes from the feelings I have inside. Shouldn't I WANT to be the primary carer? That's what we women are led to believe, right? If you don't love and enjoy every moment of child rearing, what's wrong with you?? We've made a lot of progress ladies, but let's face it - the default still is that women are the primary child rearers. In this case, I don't love it. Having no children of my own, I have no comparison, maybe I wouldn't love it if it were my own child, either. The fact that this is NOT my child does make it harder though.

Many of you asked about the maternal grandmother. The short(er) version is, she lived there for over 3 years. At the time her daughter died, she had just been left by her husband, had no job, had been a housewife all her life and had no real job skills that could earn her a decent living, and has some mental/emotional issues as well. My fiance agreed to let her live there rent free if she would help take care of the kid, with the expectation that she would use the money she was saving on no rent/living expenses to prepare herself to live independently/learn job skills, etc. She did none of that. She got alimony payments and part of her and her husbands assets in the divorce, and spent every last dime of it on frivolous things. She had no living expenses for 3 years and didn't save a dime. She laid on the couch all day and night watching TV, and it got to the point where she wasn't even getting dressed anymore or bathing more than once a week. She wasn't feeding the child adequate meals, wasn't bathing him regularly, kept the house in dissary and was just plain slovenly. She began stealing from my fiance, lying to him about child care related things (saying she had done things she had not) and telling him she needed money for something child-related then pocketing it herself, among many more things. She was mean, angry at the world all the time, and had lost her grip on reality. She was not providing a safe or healthy environment for him, and was asked to leave. That resulted in more drama than you can imagine, but eventually she did leave and moved in with her own elderly mother who now supports her as she applies for disability for her mental issues. The child's maternal grandfather, for those who have asked, lives in the same town as we do, and in the 2 years I have been with my fiance, has seen the child twice for less than an hour each time. I don't know why he has no interest in him, but he doesn't.

Thanks again for your input - I don't know how this will end yet!

I just don't understand why you have ended up as primary carer for a child you have no feelings for?

How did you sleepwalk into this? In two years you went from dating someone to bringing up their whiny and needy child? Why?

Nothing you've said changes the initial impression of this situation which is: that poor kid

Your DP needs to change his shifts regardless of the financial implications, for the welfare of his son, and to salvage your relationship - in that order!

Hope you can sort it out OP.

I agree John.
Why isn't the child's father primary carer? Many men have this role. I have a friend whose dad was her primary carer after her mum left and moved country. The father should adapt his life to care for his son, and not leave it to op. His sons needs should of paramount importance to him.

Why can't your DP get his child ready for nursery/daycare and drop them off before he sleeps?! All he has to do is move his sleep forward a bit. It's totally unfair that he gets alone time in the house every day and you don't. The child would benefit from having his dad parent him and interact with him everyday too.

Have you talked to him about this yet? You seem unhappy but also unwilling to challenge him on any of this.

Your DSS lost his mum, that's what life has handed him. As PP said, your DP lost his DW, that's what life has handed him too. Why should he get to choose to carry on working nights and having the females around him pick up all the slack and enable him to carry on with no changes to his lifestyle and routine?

I am so frustrated on your behalf.

Totally agree John - poor child

I agree with imnotyourtype

The way op talks about 'the boy' 'this boy' is so detached. You have spent two years with this little child and have no feelings for him what do ever even given hecwas a baby when you met. That's hard. I think that's takes a cold person. It's not like he was 5,6,7 or a teenager. Your probslly all he knows.

He is being massively let down by the two adults that are supposed to be nurturing him. Yes you might be addressing his needs but children need love and warmth - especially ones that are so young. Do you really think you will both grow to have a some kind of meaningful relationship? How when you can't even do that now? Do you honestly believe he won't even know how you feel about him now? And I'm sure your dp will know. But your both too selfish and putting your adults needs before his sons.

I honestly can't believe people are encouraging this relasionship.

Your not engaged to a wonderful man - a wonderful man wouldn't pass the buck to you to raise his son that you have no feelings to. Your just a glorified au pair.

I think your extremly self indulgent exploring your feelings and posting epic posts whilst moaning about his whining little voice and following you. You have posted nothing endearing about this child you have spent two years with since a toddler That speaks volumes.

I feel heart sad for him

you don't feel the boy is loosing out by being with someone who doesn't love him 5 days a week, but I promise you he is. He deserves more then you can give. Deep down the boy knows you don't love him and he deserves/needs to be surrounded by love

How on earth did you end up in this situation? When the grandmother left, why didn't not your DH move to day time working then? How did

There are times when I really hope the op is a troll and this is one of them

Being the main parent carer involves more then washing, cooking, cleaning, disciplining. All these are just minor practical things that any bog standard nursery could supply. The main parent carer role revolves around love and deep attachment. Deep attachment and love are central to his mental well being, happiness and security. You are not delivering essential love or essential deep attachment, so you should really move on and enable DH to fulfil the main carer role, therefor meeting DS's proper needs. I would be horrified if you were the main parent carer for my children, I really would. Your do blinded by your feelings/needs, you are not considering the child's needs

The child's needs for daily love and attachment are the most important thing. Move on and let the father meet these needs. Your feelings are secondary.

I actually feel that all the fault is with the child's father. He has expected far too much from op.

Why would anyone reading this thread assume that the dad here would step up and parent his child effectively and with deep attachment if the OP walked away? He's not going to step up based on what I have read on here.

And seriously, wringing your hands about this poor child and how he "deserves to be loved" is just rhetoric. You can't guarantee love for a child. Children in the care system "deserve love" as much as any child but they don't necessarily get it. How is attacking the OP helpful? She has been honest on here. The child has his care needs met and is treated with kindness and patience which is a great deal more than many children get, no matter what they "deserve".

If the OP does what the handwringers demand and walks away, that is another disrupted attachment for the child. His dad is not going to magically step up is he?

As parents we know that it can be difficult to feel love for our own children when we are exhausted and irritated. If the OP can have some pressure taken off her and get some breathing space, she may get chance to see how much she cares about her DSS.

So many people on here are quick to judge yet not one other poster has actually been in the OPs situation.

But let's all attack her for not loving her stepson and lets wring our hands and bang on about children "deserving love" because that's really helpful. Except it isn't is it? OP walks away, child experiences more loss and is left with an apparently reluctant father.

Who's attacking her? We're not attacking her. We're suggesting she leaves and gives this little boy a chance to have someone in his life who truly cares for him, not just "does their duty". I expect when the father in this scenario introduced the OP to his child he thought she would come to love him. 1.5 years down the line and she barely tolerates him. The father should be told/know that, and if he's any kind of father at all he would tell her to go anyway and look out for someone more likely to be a good replacement for his mother.

(the boy's mother. obviously)

I love how, because we observe that the situation is sad, we are labelled as "hand-wringers". Nice. Not everyone is saying categorically that the
OP suddenly should become the new mother, just that there is a vacuum, a void in that child's life that isn't being filled with the love a child needs. It is very very sad.

The best situation for any child is to be fortunate enough to have at least one parent who takes their responsibilities seriously. It seems the DF in this situation is oblivious to his DSs needs. Incredible the child has lost him DM at a young age and the DF, instead of trying to become father and mother, to fill the gap, has decided to be neither.

On reflection, maybe it needs the OP to walk away, not altogether, but from the day to day stuff. It would bring the matter to a head because the DF would have to deal with it rather than taking the easy way out

What kind of relationship is it anyway, she hardly ever sees him!

Lots of people on here are telling her that she is awful about the way she refers to the child but she is being honest. Lots of people are telling her to leave and that the child will be better off without her. She treats the child with care and patience and kindness ffs! What is so wrong about that! Loads of parents moan about their own children in cyberspace, she's not telling the child to his face that she doesn't love him or telling him off for talking too much etc she is venting and she is under a lot of pressure.

If she leaves, the child experiences more loss! And who is it that will magically appear on the scene and start loving this child deeply as well as doing everything else that the OP does if she leaves? Get real! If the father wanted to show his son deep love he would already be doing it. The father could get a series of short term au pairs who wouldn't love the child. Or another GF, who ultimately may not love his child either.

How about the OP and her DP find a way to take the pressure off her so that she can relax and enjoy her life a bit and then maybe she will feel more positive to the child?

It must be a shit relationship tbh not seeing each other, and this is pre-marriage. It's supposed to be the good bit! If I was the OP, I would walk. I can't believe how much she is being taken for granted and her DP won't even take his own child to school/nursery! He sounds like a right catch.

I don't know how the OP can love and respect a man who is so negligent of his child. I would have walked away from the relationship on that basis alone and not left it 18 month to where it is now, at crisis point.

Benefit of hindsight I guess

I met dh when sd was 4 and my boys were late teens.
My x isn't very involved so we've certainly never had much couple time but we had lots of other fun times travelling or fun days out and we even used to take Her to the pub some Sunday's while we watched the football and had lunch while she coloured or played on her games.
so although we always had her with us it wasn't unpleasant, I clearly remember dh falling about laughing at some of the funny stuff she said!
She's 13 now and they get on well, I'm sure he ant love her like I do but he does a good job and really cares about her loads.
I think the problem for the op is being left to do childcare that quite frankly would piss off even a natural parent. So she's had all the "chores" of looking after the boy so been unable to see any positives or qualities in him.

Dd sorry Not sd

Reading the op breaks my heart. I am in a situation where I am terrified of leaving my child by dying.

Op you need to change your life situation urgently to avoid damaging this child, stop doing daytime care.

I don't think this is going to work out. This poor child only has his father and if you can't put your own feelings behind you and do the best you can for the child. You don't have to feel an overwhelming rush of love for him you only need to see to his needs and be kind. If you can't do that then you should leave. IMHO.