Adult Step-Son Grates On Me!!

[mrjobson67]

Hello,

My name is Roger, I am 41.
Thanks for taking the time to read my thread.

I'm new here and basically looking for some advice, words of wisdom if you will.

I've been living with my partner now for 16 years and married for 5 years. When I met my partner, she already had kids, boy of 9 and a girl of 6. We've had a great life together, though as the step-son got older, he got lazier and more difficult to deal with. Now, like most lids who leave school, they look to further education, maybe job hunting, driving lessons etc.... Not the step-son, he flatly refused to do any of these, simply because in his words, they are "POINTLESS!".

This went on for 2 years, just sitting around the house playing computer games and watching TV, spending all his days in the house. Don't get me wrong, me and my partner never just sat there and put up with it, I've lost count on how many times I banned the internet during the day, removed fuses from the TV in the hope it would make a difference... Well! It never did. He did eventually sign on at Jobseekers, but nothing came of it.

At 19, he moved up to Leeds with his girlfriend as she was attending University there, so he went with her with the prospect of College. "AT LAST!!" things where looking promising, but it didn't last long. After about 2 years of College, he was kicked out because of bad attendance. He developed a touch of IBS, which is manageable if he eats and drinks the right stuff, but NO! He ignores the issue and carries on regardless. He then spent the next 4 years in his flat in Leeds, playing computer games, watching TV, eating junk and making himself worse. The doctor told him he needed to lose weight and exercise more... but guess what? he did nothing with the advice he was given.

8 months ago, step-son now 25yo, he moved back into our house after splitting up with his girlfriend and we are going through the same routine YET again. He has no job and no income. If he isn't sitting in his room on the Playstation, he is watching TV downstairs. I warned my partner that nothing will change, but she doesn't seem to be on my side this time round... she makes his tea, does his washing, basically treats him like a child. I tell her she is just enabling his ways.

Just the thought of him lying there in bed when I'm up at 7 getting ready for work grates on me and every night I come home from work he's either sat there with his feet up or in his room playing games. I'm not sure how much more of him I can take. I've worked hard all my life, whilst at 25 he doesn't know what a days work is.

I'm very conscious now that my thread is going on a bit, so thanks if you got this far.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Roger.

Your wife's response illustrates the lightyears she would have to travel to get back to any kind of objective, sensible thought process on this. It's actually pretty shocking how she is enabling her son to waste his life.

You must be at the end of your tether.

Hi MeridianB,

I was at the end of my tether over a year ago. I've literally ran out of things to say now.

So MrJob, it is apparent that your DW will never change her attitude towards her son, and even though anyone would say she is making a bad mistake, I do in a way understand! This is her son, and in her heart she knows what he is, but the bond and need to protect is soooo strong.....so where does that leave you?

If you have told her that you will leave rather than go back to how things were, what did she say? Was she distressed or did she just shrug it off? I would say, if you are not prepared to carry it through, don't threaten to leave, because it will diminish your standing in her eyes.

I think the idea of going away for a weekend/few days alone is a good one. Tell your wife that the situation is driving you away, and make sure she understands that you are going in order to think carefully about your future. If that doesn't make a difference to her attitude (frankly, it probably won't) then I think you have to make some difficult choices....I really feel for you!

PS: If you are the sole financial provider, how would they manage without you?

This sounds like your wife and SS have a codependent relationship going and maintaining him in this behaviour meets her needs in some way. So she's going to be very unwilling to do anything that changes the situation, she wants him like this.

How did your weekend go, OP?

Hi Wdigin2this

When I told her I refuse to be part of this enabling behaviour and would consider leaving if he moved back in, she just pulled her face as if I was being stupid. I completely understand she is his mother and feels the need to care, but the fact that SS just lets this happen and shows no real signs of moving on in life is quite strange.

Yes, I am pretty much the sole provider. DW does work but only part time. This does hold me back too as I know they would struggle financially and I would be the bad guy once again.

Hi meridianB

My weekend was fine, thanks for asking. SS stayed at friends so there was no sign of him and DW spent most of her time out with a friend shopping.

Well Roger if you did actually leave, (tell her its a trial separation, and you won't be sending her any money as its only for a while) if you do this, then maybe it'll force him to go out and look for work and a place to live!

So you had a weekend without SS but your wife didn't spend time with you? Despite knowing that your relationship is in trouble?

Perhaps she is not taking you seriously or is burying her head in the sand but that would really disappoint me.

The money thing is a serious issue. I don't often disagree with Wdigin but I think reducing or removing financial support for a short time would look like game playing. It almost seems too late for a trial separation. If your DW knows you are coming back, I'm not convinced much will change.

At the weekend I made a conscious effort to enjoy the time to myself and it was a breath of fresh air. God knows I've spent far too much energy thinking about this situation to the point it consumes my everyday thoughts. It made me realise how much happier I could be without all this negative energy around... which of course I create according to DW. At the same time though, I had these guilty feelings for being happy and enjoying myself simply because DW wasn't involved in that. I could almost hear her disappointment.

The point I'm trying to make is that I know in myself I cannot continue like this any more and I need to make my decision. I even feel guilty for these thoughts, it's like I'm abandoning them. I'm so tired of this relationship where I seem to be second or even third place at times and don't feel respected as the husband in the house. I'm not living in the dark ages where the man was considered king of the house, compromise will do me just fine.

Sounds perfectly normal and reasonable. At least you know you tried!

Meridian I see your point, and perhaps the separation should be seen as permanent! But, if MrJob does leave for good, I'm assuming (don't know much about it) that, if his DW is working, then he won't have to pay her a huge amount, (unless he wants to) but certainly none of it should be intended to support the DSS??!

I apologise for dragging this up again, but if I was to try and simplify what this is all about, it boils down to SS attitude towards his mum and nan and me to that point. He really doesn't understand that since leaving school early he's been mollycoddled and supported even though he refused to look for a job, couldn't be bothered with college or driving lessons, so he spent his days at home on computer and TV, I was the vocal one trying to put my foot down, even giving him chores was painful. He would argue and find me unreasonable. The move to Leeds didn't inspire him either so he ended back where he started, but in a worse condition. He didn't look after himself at all, has IBS and depression, though you wouldn't think he had depression , he doesn't exactly mope around feeling sorry for himself. Everyone has always said that he needs a rocket up his arse, so I put my foot down once again which had me labelled the BAD GUY, so he moved to his nans. Unfortunately he had it even easier there, though he treated his nan terrible in my eyes. Never cleaned up after himself properly, just lounged around. There was even times when his nan wanted to watch TV he told her she had to wait whilst he finished his game, (26 year old guy by the way).

So here we are again, back to square one, 6 years down the line and he has achieved nothing. You'd have to accept my cynical attitude towards him, sorry!

So what if they label you "the bad guy"?

Exactly, is Bad Guy any worse than a Soft Guy......because that's probably how he sees you!

Are you really going to live your life like this for another 6 years, 10 years....the rest of your life?!!!! I thought I had DSC problems MrJob but I just couldn't take what you're putting up with!

Wdigin is right about the future. You are also young enough to start a whole new life and have your onw children if you want to.

Hi Wdigin2this

You and others have been a huge help since I started posting on here, and your patience and advice has been second to none, where others would just brush me under the carpet.
I most definitely refuse to live my life like this any more and certainly won't be wasting any more energy at home with this. I have already taken a step back from it all in my mind and straight away it feels like I've taken back some control of ME.

For years I've been acting like a YES man, just agreeing or staying silent to certain situations just to keep the peace. I've kept silent simply to prevent confrontation in fear of the results and for being accused of making everyone miserable. I question my feelings and thoughts all the time even though I know in the back of my mind, this isn't a healthy way to live.

MrJob I'm glad you've found the advice from myself, and other posters helpful!
I understand where you're coming from, when you say you keep quiet rather than being the bad guy We all do that to a certain extent, because we have to make so many compromises in blended families.

However, of all the posts I've read on MN, yours has seemed the most hopeless....in as much as it is obvious that your circumstances are never going to change! So, I hope you will stay strong enough to make the right decision for your future, because your wife's is set in (unhappy) stone!

Well, here I am again revisiting an old thread that has been going on for over 2 years.... and it's been just over a year ago since I last posted... is it good news? Depends how you look at it...

I can't possibly recap the whole thread, but basically for those who are seeing this for the first time, I've had a difficult and terrible time with a 26-27 yo step-son who still lives at home and does nothing. So 5 week ago I took the difficult decision of finally moving out and into my parents so I can work out what I need.

Since last posting I was already at the end of my tether, but decided to give it one more shot. I'm not going to lie, it's been relatively easier over the last year simply because I kept my head down and focused on my well-being. How-ever, still nothing was changing with the step-son development, and the frustration started to creep in again. He still has no job, no money other than what he gets from Job Seekers, and still spends all his days in his bedroom playing games and watching TV.

Well, the last draw came over 6 week ago now... I overheard my wife borrowing him money which we both already agreed wouldn't happen. It was only £4.50, but he went and bought weed for his cigarettes. Not only that, he had the nerve to have someone deliver it to the house, even when we also agreed that this stuff doesn't come anywhere near the house. I confronted my wife with anger about it and like always, she got pretty defensive and managed to turn the argument around to a point where I felt guilty for releasing my frustration.

So here I am, on a new journey... hopefully.

You and your wife are enabling him by letting him move back in. He needs to face his life. It might be easier to have empathy with him when he is out on his own.

He’s 25 now. It really is time you ask him to leave. You could give him time to work or save, but he might not do this.

I couldn’t deal with this. My DH does think I’m harsh, I won’t let my 23 year DSD back to live here. She was really rude when she did leave here, massively resents me, and dropped out of college. She works 5 hours a week now and lives with her mum. DH thinks it’s so brilliant she works at all. I’ve told him I do understand if he wants to live with her, but that he would be doing it on his own. I put myself through years of trying to help and be kind etc but I won’t let our other kids tolerate her horrible atmosphere.

Sorry just saw this OP. Got a bit confused!

I’m not surprised it hasn’t changed. I think you are doing absolutely the right thing by moving out, it’s intolerable. You have gone above and beyond by trying to be patient and you are compromised hugely.

It makes me realize I made the right decision to met my DSD back. I also compromised a lot, stayed in the background, textbook trying not to interfere. However when step children become adults, and their own parent is enabling them it becomes codependent. Bad dynamic. Temporary help I can always understand, however it can go on for years.

There’s no room left to have a relationship. It’d break up many marriages.

And it’s all such a waste as it does the grown up child no favors at all.

Biglettuce did you read the full thread?

MrJobson how are feeling now you've moved out? Do you think it will be permenant? What's your wife's take on the situation?

Hi Mr Jobson how're you doing. I'm sorry things didn't work out better for you and your wife, but as we've all said, she was never going to change her mindset. It'll be hard, being on your own again, but you'll get stronger, and more determined, never to be put in that position again....good luck!

Biglettuce
Thanks for the comments.

19lottie82
I do think it will be permanent. It might sound a weird way of coping, but I just think of the situation I was in compared to now. OK, it looks like my relationship has come to an end, but I feel at peace with myself. No longer am I having my my values or opinions questioned and challenged all the time. I feel free from battling to make change.

Wdigin2this
Thanks again for your support.

Sorry to hear this but onwards and upwards for you hopefully. My brother acted up like your SS back in the day with his issues of weed, drinking, threats of suicide etc. He was about 21 and mum kicked him out. I dread to think what state my mum and step dad's marriage would've been in if my mum hadn't kicked him out, or what damage it would have done to other family relationships. I'm sure everyday after my mum wondered if he was even dead or alive, especially as we had no contact for about 4 years. Cannot tell you what a wonderful man he's now become and great dad to his own 2 boys showing love and boundaries. Close to all family members.

However fast forward a few years I'm now the step mum, so in your position IYSWIM. My DH was a single dad and has done his share of Disneying and enabling which he still struggles to accept despite DSD massively pushing back and criticizing his over protection. So now we're on a pendulum (he can sometimes be a bit stern) and will hopefully calibrate. Fortunately (with lots of reminders!) he does listen to me and seek my opinion, but ultimately I'm with Widgin, am not inclined to stick around if DH reverts to enabling resulting in DSD being at home for years as a non contributing adult.

Whether she admits it to herself or not, I reckon deep down your wife knows she's the problem and probably envies (don't know if that's the right word) you for taking a stand.

Hope things get better for you.