Adult Step-Son Grates On Me!!

[mrjobson67]

Hello,

My name is Roger, I am 41.
Thanks for taking the time to read my thread.

I'm new here and basically looking for some advice, words of wisdom if you will.

I've been living with my partner now for 16 years and married for 5 years. When I met my partner, she already had kids, boy of 9 and a girl of 6. We've had a great life together, though as the step-son got older, he got lazier and more difficult to deal with. Now, like most lids who leave school, they look to further education, maybe job hunting, driving lessons etc.... Not the step-son, he flatly refused to do any of these, simply because in his words, they are "POINTLESS!".

This went on for 2 years, just sitting around the house playing computer games and watching TV, spending all his days in the house. Don't get me wrong, me and my partner never just sat there and put up with it, I've lost count on how many times I banned the internet during the day, removed fuses from the TV in the hope it would make a difference... Well! It never did. He did eventually sign on at Jobseekers, but nothing came of it.

At 19, he moved up to Leeds with his girlfriend as she was attending University there, so he went with her with the prospect of College. "AT LAST!!" things where looking promising, but it didn't last long. After about 2 years of College, he was kicked out because of bad attendance. He developed a touch of IBS, which is manageable if he eats and drinks the right stuff, but NO! He ignores the issue and carries on regardless. He then spent the next 4 years in his flat in Leeds, playing computer games, watching TV, eating junk and making himself worse. The doctor told him he needed to lose weight and exercise more... but guess what? he did nothing with the advice he was given.

8 months ago, step-son now 25yo, he moved back into our house after splitting up with his girlfriend and we are going through the same routine YET again. He has no job and no income. If he isn't sitting in his room on the Playstation, he is watching TV downstairs. I warned my partner that nothing will change, but she doesn't seem to be on my side this time round... she makes his tea, does his washing, basically treats him like a child. I tell her she is just enabling his ways.

Just the thought of him lying there in bed when I'm up at 7 getting ready for work grates on me and every night I come home from work he's either sat there with his feet up or in his room playing games. I'm not sure how much more of him I can take. I've worked hard all my life, whilst at 25 he doesn't know what a days work is.

I'm very conscious now that my thread is going on a bit, so thanks if you got this far.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Roger.

A DM is dear mother, I know the abbreviations confused me too, but there is a key below!

8 months ago, step-son now 25yo, he moved back into our house after splitting up with his girlfriend

Sorry if I'm new to this thread and retreading old ground ... When your step-son split up with his GF last year, what conversation took place between you and your partner about the prospect of him moving back in with you? Were you just a passive observer in this? I mean, it's your house too, right?

It seems as if your partner is walking rough-shod over you and you are letting it happen, but I recognise that sounds harsh. I know he is her son, but you should have had a 'say' in these arrangements. I'd be having a private conversation with her to hammer out a deal - a deadline for when this 25 yo man will be in a place of his own.

I'd couch it in terms of the benefits to him, he can't be an fully functioning autonomous adult when he doesn't need to make adult decisions for himself (housing, work, life choices).

God this sounds AWFUL for you. No advice that hasn't been given but lots of sympathy. You sound like a lovely man and I'm sure that plenty of husbands would have been EXTREMELY confrontational about this, and not in a nice way...

I hope that something is resolved soon.

I have just read a few of the earlier posts and "tough love" is really appropriate here.

I know from experience that sometimes some drastic action can seem harsh at the time, but in the long term it can be the making of the person.

Who knows, in years to come your step-son may thank you for giving him the incentive to get his life on-track. It would be so sad for him to wasting the best part of his 20's with nothing to show for it

How are you today, Mrjobson67?

I have stepsons too, and an enabling spouse who avoids confrontation. I understand your predicament.

Your household would benefit from a 30 day make over. The 25yr old must contribute to supporting himself, and the household, immediately in spirit and agreement, otherwise he must find a mate to live with or some other set up, after 30 days.

Your wife should hear you defending her right to not having a freeloader son in the house. He can only stay after 30 days if he alters his ways.

The fight seems so hard, but it will be worth it.

1. Tell wife, immediately, that you are so worried about the impact of sons draining presence has on your marriage. Book Relate for support through a major marital change in how things are decided at home. Take a day off work to organise a plan.
2. Tell step son gently that you've been giving this second phase of your own adult life a thorough looking at and that you will be making improvements to the way you all live together. Because you're not happy. Life seems harder work than it should be.
3. Talk to wife on neutral territory. Show her loving loyal support and say how long you have stood by her, in some ways wrongly, and that some of the conflict and enabling is your fault. You are going to be her protector now, and step into being the driving force in helping you and your wife make changes.
4. Decide the plan. ie: he must register for jsa. And then seek work. He isn't allowed TV in main room, nor laying in beyond when you two are up. He must walk dog. Whatever you parents agree suitable. Then implement each one in stages, only days apart.
5. Then stick to the plan. Failures in meeting expectation will mean eviction for the 25 year old.
6. Help him. He could be a live in chalet or hotel worker and get accommodation with a job. He could get an evening job so you don't share the house with him at he same time.

The step son might not believe you mean business. Talk to him in the daytime only, and be clear. My experience is late night conversations go awry.
He might struggle with empathy in all aspects of his life, and so he might need you to state the obvious (be very clear). Maybe he does not see things from an average Joe's point of view, and hasn't yet got adult thinking about impacting on others, and consequences for him.

Counsellors can help you.

I feel ashamed when, on occasion, my children and step children lack grace as human beings. You wife is in a horrible position. Guilt might be behind what got you to this point.

I hope you can be calm in the storm. Do not fear the struggle nor the outcome. The current situation is intolerable so it can hardly be worse.

Wow that's quite prescriptive advice! The sentiment that some tough love needs to happen I agree with. But if the op's dw just turns round and says "nope, not going to do that" - and she is perfectly entitled to do so - then nothing will change. Some great practical advice there but I do feel the op (sorry on phone can't scroll up to remind myself of username) needs to consider what he will do if she isn't willing to make changes. Can he continue to live with that or is it serious enough to actually end their relationship over?

They are a partnership so both opinions are valid, and partnerships are not about one person dictating how things are going to be. Not that he would, but if dp decided to tell me he was taking charge and would sort something and I didn't want him to or agree with his plan, I'd tell him to sod off!

I really feel sorry for the OP. This situation would drive me crazy.
I think the OP has to sit down with his wife and have a big talk about it. It won't be fun but I wouldn't wont to let this situation carry on.

Good luck.

I hope that this is a phase in parenting life for you. A current limbo. And by it's nature, a limbo situation does not last long, so one day this trauma will end and the next phase will be soon upon you.

Your wife might be fearful of the change and want to keep the status quo, for fear of stirring up trouble. And besides (she might wonder) where would he go? Sometimes, with selfish and lazy young men, bigger than the women/mothers in their lives, they can dominate women into believing that if things change, then they will make fearful trouble. And as a mum, your wife's love is so giving that she will do laundry and make tea and continue to hope for better days, so as not to face the consequences stirring up trouble.

You can help her with that.
Your step son needed help when everything went wrong for him. But now, 8 months on, like the way swans kick their signets away at the right moment, the general thread posted here of Tough Love is right; it might be the kindest act you ever make. It's kind to him, your wife, and to you. Also to the step daughter who might also be uncomfortable with her brother's life choice.

Often people say talking is the key. Talk to you wife (your primary relationship) and talk to the lad. Get outside help.

Question: Did the stepson acknowledged his mother on mother's day yesterday, or in some other way does he show he appreciates all he is given? Maybe this is an in-road, to acknowledge he has an understanding of the privilege of having mum care for him.

Daisychain01

Regarding the SS split with his girlfriend, Yes! my DW explained what had happened and simply informed me he was moving back in at the weekend which was literally 5 days away. I told her it would be the worst for thing him as he will do nothing and have no responsibilities. The DW assured me this won't happen, he will get told.

So SS has been with us for about 8-9 months now and the only chore he has around the house are the dishes, and not to sound to cynical, even they don't get done straight away, sometimes they sit in the sink till the day after. I had a moan to DW about it and I couldn't believe it when she said this following statement.... "Well... you know what teenagers are like!".... What? He isn't a teenager, he's 25yo for gods sake, you're treating him like a kid.

I just don't get where she is coming from sometimes...

DontMindTheStep

Regarding Mothers Day, DW spent the day at her Mums, SS spent the day in his bedroom.

Sounds like you have chosen to take the easy life approach, if you are letting this situation trundle along in its own merry way... I would find it deeply frustrating but only you know your family dynamic I guess.

Your wife has deluded herself into thinking her DS is still a dependent child, it's easier for her than facing the unpleasant fact she has a lazy, selfish, unmotivated grown up lump for a son! This phase will pass, yes but when....at the point you are both drawing your pension! when both of you shove of this mortal coil, and his poor sister will be left to deal with him?! MrJobson, at the risk of every other poster screaming at me, I urge you to be the 'man of the house' and lay out either ground rules for chores, getting JSA, and/or a date upon which he must find other accommodation for him...or you will find it for him and physically move him out. If your DW will simply not allow this, I suggest you take all your leave from work at once, go on a long holiday alone, and seriously think about where you want to go from here!

this is my brother. my parents enabled his behaviour for many years. he also did not sign on. actually it turns out he is very seriously ill (mental and physical health). he also has aspergers (not diagnosed til an adult) and psychosis.
perhaps not what you wanted to hear but try to encourage further investigations, psychiatric evaluations as well as physical

Wdigin having read mrjobson's latest post, I think your energies may be best spent elsewhere. I agree with everything you have said, but he sounds as unmotivated as his stepson. Fine, his choice, what hope for either of them to change?

Daisy, I fear you're correct....but having slightly similar problems (nothing anywhere near OP's thank goodness) in our lives, I know how entrenched situations can get, to the point they become everyone's normal. We have never had any of our offspring live with us, but if I had a DSC like this one, I could never cope!

What is a man of the house? There are two adults living there with equal responsibility for what goes on.

It was meant lightly, but obviously there are not 2 adults who can make sensible judgements, regarding the DSS in this household!

sanfairyanne

I understand certain illnesses can be underlying until properly looked into, but I really don't think he has any serious issues like that. He kind of does things when it suits him... like he will make the effort to go out if it was going the GAMES shop, but won't go out to walk the dog... stuff like that.

Sethspeaks

Man of the house? I understand what Wdigin2this is referring to. Without pulling rank, I pay the bills, NOT SS! It's his home, but my house, so if SS doesn't like the rules, it's tough really.... unfortunately! there doesn't appear to be any rules.

Deep in my heart, I know what I want to do, but I fear it will cause resentment towards me, and I'll just get labelled the BAD GUY all over again.

Oh yes definitely on board with that in relation to your dss, I was meaning in the context of how this gets moved forward. The crux is that if your dw won't change anything or act then you will get nowhere.

I think he is just being a lazy arse and your DW still thinks of him as a child. I know you've said you think he has no serious health or drug issues - but why not try - saying to DW "I am very concerned about DSS, this is not normal behaviour" . Could the 3 of you sit down with the intention of finding out what he intends to do or is he going to sit on his arse till your both dead

as redshoeblueshoe suggests, even if you dont think there are underlying issues, it can be a good approach as it sounds caring and concerned
more likely to have a positive effect on your dw, and also helps rule out any health/psychological issues

We have this problem with my step brother. He has never had a job, has no friends and only leaves his room to sign on. He is 34 and has been like this since he was 18. He got good grades at GCSE and A levels but would not do anything.

He lives with his mother who is in her 70's, expects her to do everything for him, if he helps carry shopping in from the car that is a big deal.

He claims he has mental health issues, but as he is an adult the doctor will not talk to his mother. She keep making excuses for him and says she is sure he will be better soon and go and get a job.

The rest of the family have had enough of him, including his father, we all agree he is a waste of space.

Talk to your DW, let her see that if you do not do anything he could still be on your sofa in 10 years time.

Hi Mr.jobson67. I am in the EXACT same position as you (same age too !)... DSS is 22 years old this year - left school 3 years ago, odd jobs here and there when his Dad could help him to get one . And since last July has not worked a day. He basically brings his 6 year old sister (my dd) to and from school , and sometimes prepares an evening meal . My-self and my husband work fulltime . I am almost at breaking point my-self now . I know that my DSS is not a troublesome lad , but he needs to grow up and get a job ... I totally sympathise with you and wish you luck with your decisions in the future .

That's the crux of it - this guy has no incentive to get up and get a life.

I can see him also living like this for another 10 years. Or longer.

OP, can you have a talk with your partner in the sense of you can no longer live like this?

If she then still puts her son over you, well, then you have your answer.

I hate to break it to you mrjobson, but those "rules" that don't appear to be in existence, won't magic themselves out of thin air. They exist only if they are put in place and communicated to people who need to take them on board.

You sound like you are patient and tolerant and will accept the fact this situation isn't likely to change anytime soon. At least you aren't having to babysit and can get on with your own life. Probably best thing is to do what you are doing and become somewhat detached even if it grates from time to time. I'm sure things will eventually move to a different phase. Maybe see if he can get a new girlfriend?

'If nothing changes, nothing changes'

^^^^

This quote fits your story.

Let me start by saying I think it is an absolute disgrace that this man is sitting around playing games all day. It would grate on me too.

You are not a bad person this has been going on for years. Years.

Depression? Well suggest he goes to the Dr. Ask him outright why on earth he won't get a job

Good luck! Better still show your wife this thread