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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Adult Step-Son Grates On Me!!

203 replies

mrjobson67 · 11/03/2015 16:12

Hello,

My name is Roger, I am 41.
Thanks for taking the time to read my thread.

I'm new here and basically looking for some advice, words of wisdom if you will.

I've been living with my partner now for 16 years and married for 5 years. When I met my partner, she already had kids, boy of 9 and a girl of 6. We've had a great life together, though as the step-son got older, he got lazier and more difficult to deal with. Now, like most lids who leave school, they look to further education, maybe job hunting, driving lessons etc.... Not the step-son, he flatly refused to do any of these, simply because in his words, they are "POINTLESS!".

This went on for 2 years, just sitting around the house playing computer games and watching TV, spending all his days in the house. Don't get me wrong, me and my partner never just sat there and put up with it, I've lost count on how many times I banned the internet during the day, removed fuses from the TV in the hope it would make a difference... Well! It never did. He did eventually sign on at Jobseekers, but nothing came of it.

At 19, he moved up to Leeds with his girlfriend as she was attending University there, so he went with her with the prospect of College. "AT LAST!!" things where looking promising, but it didn't last long. After about 2 years of College, he was kicked out because of bad attendance. He developed a touch of IBS, which is manageable if he eats and drinks the right stuff, but NO! He ignores the issue and carries on regardless. He then spent the next 4 years in his flat in Leeds, playing computer games, watching TV, eating junk and making himself worse. The doctor told him he needed to lose weight and exercise more... but guess what? he did nothing with the advice he was given.

8 months ago, step-son now 25yo, he moved back into our house after splitting up with his girlfriend and we are going through the same routine YET again. He has no job and no income. If he isn't sitting in his room on the Playstation, he is watching TV downstairs. I warned my partner that nothing will change, but she doesn't seem to be on my side this time round... she makes his tea, does his washing, basically treats him like a child. I tell her she is just enabling his ways.

Just the thought of him lying there in bed when I'm up at 7 getting ready for work grates on me and every night I come home from work he's either sat there with his feet up or in his room playing games. I'm not sure how much more of him I can take. I've worked hard all my life, whilst at 25 he doesn't know what a days work is.

I'm very conscious now that my thread is going on a bit, so thanks if you got this far.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Roger.

OP posts:
Sethspeaks · 18/03/2015 20:44

I love that quote. It's bang on for this.

Wdigin2this · 19/03/2015 00:30

If all else fails (which appears to be the case), you could start making your home less attractive to him! Literally cut off heating in his bedroom, even if you have to disable the rad, discontinue wifi etc, take over the weekly shop and only buy the things you and your wife eat....even, if you have time, take over the cooking and just don't serve him. Your wife is desperate not to rock any boats, yours or her sons, but you can rock his boat to the point it may tip him out. You're prob getting to a desperate state now...so desperate measures etc. if your wife complains/retaliates etc...tell her quite calmly, you are trying to save the marriage for both of you...what's she trying to save???

Lucked · 19/03/2015 12:34

Have you ever actually had a row with him over this, it all sounds very comfortable for him like you are keeping the atmosphere under wraps. I think you need to speak up very clearly and let him know (not that he grates on you) that you have had enough.

GraysAnalogy · 19/03/2015 12:38

He's only a couple of years younger than me so it shocks me that he thinks living this way is acceptable. If he is depressed sitting at home and wallowing isn't going to help - and yes I speak from experience.

I think you've been patient and tried to handle this the best you can. It's now time to be harsher in my opinion and tell both your wife and him that it's not acceptable and that he either makes moves to improve his situation or leaves.

Original poster
mrjobson67 · 31/03/2015 17:14

Hello posters,

Thanks again for your comments and advice, it really has helped me to put my thoughts into context.

Unfortunately, nothing has changed, SS is still lounging around the house, and I do realise this will be the case unless he wakes up one morning and magically changes his ways, which I seriously doubt will ever happen... or I finally put my foot down with him and my partner. Either way, I know this will cause tension and create an awkward atmosphere in the house.

OP posts:
MrsDoylesCupOfTea · 31/03/2015 17:37

I'm sorry that this is still going on. It must be so frustrating.

Do you think you can put up with it? If you can't then are you considering leaving?

Woodpigeon1 · 01/04/2015 06:41

Hi Roger, been reading your posts with interest. I'm on the flip side in that I've an adult DS at home and although he works is inconsiderate, lazy and v dirty / messy. It's causes no end of issues between my husband & I, the only difference is my DS works. I feel your pain :-(

Original poster
mrjobson67 · 01/04/2015 22:38

Hi MrsDoyle

No, I can't put up with it! Thankfully he has gone to his nans for a few days now.

Hi Woodpigeon,

Yes, causes aggravation in our house too. He can't possibly spend the rest of life like he has been doing, especially in our house. Why I can't be like my mum and dad when I was younger, they would never let me be a layabout like this.

OP posts:
Wdigin2this · 03/04/2015 13:13

MrJob, I've followed your post too, and put my twopence worth of advice in! My situation is similar as far as financial matters go, one DSC has a level of entitlement that would take your breath away! But none of them do, or have ever lived with us...I know it would be, for me, totally impossible to accept! I could not live daily with another adult in my home, whom I know would simply place the responsibility for their lives in DH's lap....it would break us up for sure...only you know which way you have to go!

Bahhhhhumbug · 08/04/2015 19:44

Me too Wdigin I would be off like a shot if my youngest SS (age 27) (or eldest for that matter) ever came back to live with us. I put up with my youngest SS for six years up to age 24 and his dad was like your wife , even used to cut his food up for him up to age 22 till I snapped one day and told my DH how pathetic it was and how pathetic and open to ridicule it was making SS who would end up being a six foot plus 30 yr old who couldnt use a knife and fork. I feel your pain and yongest SS in my case still causes lots of trouble between my DH and I because he was so enabled as your SS is being and is the most obnoxious selfish entitled person you could ever wish to meet. She is creating a monster I'm afraid but hopefully unlike my DH she may listen if you lay on the line how you feel.

Original poster
mrjobson67 · 09/04/2015 16:06

Hi Bahhhhumbug

I'll give you a scenario...

If you've followed my post, you'll have read that SS if overweight and has IBS. He has been told by the doctor to take plenty of iron and has specifically been told to avoid sugar due to his lack of exercise. So the other day we'd finished our lunch and the SS left his vegetables. My partner pointed out to him that he should eat these because of the iron, but he responded with "I'M FULL!".... 5 minutes later he was eating a bowl of trifle.

Sounds like a petty thing to get irritated about, but this shows his lack of "trying", for want of a better word.

OP posts:
rumbleinthrjungle · 09/04/2015 17:09

SS is very unlikely to make any changes by himself. Why would he? He is quite comfortable with status quo. It's clear he's had probably more advice and support than most adult men get and it's not made a difference. Tbh the only thing that is going to lead to change is him getting motivated by himself, and the only thing likely motivate him is being in a situation that is uncomfortable enough that he wants to change it. And doing for himself in response to his own plans is what will build his confidence best.

His mum is comfortable enabling this. It may be worth really getting her to think about why.

You're unhappy with the situation. However you'd prefer not to upset anyone or cause friction. This means at the moment the other two are making you unhappy and you're putting up with it quietly rather than rock their boat.

There isn't going to be a way to change this situation without challenging SS and wife. However your happiness matters too, and you need the confidence to stand up for that. It comes down to are you prepared to be unhappy indefinitely and is your partner willing to go along with that as if so there will probably be long term consequences for your relationship - or are you prepared to address this with them and explain what you can and can't tolerate. And be prepared that it will lead to some friction to ride out in the short term, and to think about what your bottom line would be. Is your wife prepared for him to still be being the resident fifteen year old when he's 45? Would you be prepared to stay in a relationship under those circumstances?

Ratfinkandbobo · 10/04/2015 00:32

Bloody hell op, he sounds like a 5 year old! Won't eat veg, mum says to eat them, I'm full he says then 5 mins later has trifle!!! It sounds like your DW has infantilised him! Those kind of conversation usually happen with primary age kids.

Wdigin2this · 10/04/2015 08:36

Mrjob, the advice you have received is spot on! You're going to have to tell her it like it is, I really sense and empathise with your justifiable unhappyness with this situation, so you just have to do it! I've recently realised that a similar situ could be in danger of establishing itself in my home, scared me to death, so I took the bull by the horns (very difficult I know) and stated that I would NOT tolerate it, and that it would endanger our relationship! To my surprise DH responded positively, I'd thought I'd have a fight on my hands! So sit your DW down and lay it out clearly, make sure she doesn't fob you off with excuses and make sure she understands if the situation doesn't change, you will be making your own life choices! Good luck!

Original poster
mrjobson67 · 13/04/2015 12:15

Thanks Wdigin2this and other posters.... your input helps!

OP posts:
Feelinghelpless2 · 14/04/2015 06:39

What do you think your next steps will be mrjobson?

Original poster
mrjobson67 · 16/04/2015 13:41

Hi Feelinghelpless2

I seriously have no idea...

I'm not the kind of person to just say "sod this, I've had enough" and leave... that's the last thing I want to do, but at the end of the day I refuse to live in these conditions.

I'm now being accused of punishing him, just because I blocked the wireless TV from downstairs. It was never my intention to punish, just to try and push him on to do something else, rather than sitting around all day watching TV. Maybe my way of helping comes across that way, but everyone else just seems to want to molly-coddle him.

I don't know why I'm surprised by my partner's accusations and reactions, she always defends the kids when-ever I have something to say or add.

OP posts:
Wdigin2this · 17/04/2015 00:52

Maybe you shouldn't completely rule out leaving...just to have a place of your own! Would it be possible/feasible to maintain two places? You could then live as you wish, and see your partner away from the house she and son live in!

Feelinghelpless2 · 17/04/2015 22:09

Its a credit to you jobson that your not shouting & threatening to leave - my DH did & it's just not constructive IMO. You sound like your trying to find a middle ground & your DW should be pleased your trying to help him. I truly sympathise with your situation it's wearing on both sides. My DS has now moved to his Dad's - is this an option, even in the short term?

Fairenuff · 17/04/2015 22:20

OP you need to get off the fence. You either accept that this adult is going to freeload off you forever, or you make plans to live a life away from him.

If you move out your partner can decide if she wants to be with you or him.

Original poster
mrjobson67 · 22/04/2015 08:47

Hi Wdigin2this

Unfortunately my finances couldn't cope with supporting two places.

Hi Feelinghelpless2

Don't get me wrong, there are times where I could just blow my top with frustration. SS is supposed to be improving his health, strict diet and all that, but last night he was eating chocolate cake and ice cream. It all sounds petty, but considering he's been like this for years, I feel enough is enough, take it seriously and sort yourself out for gods sake.

Hi Fairenuff

I fear she will always choose the kids before me and in some way I accept that, after all she is the Mother and she wouldn't want to hurt them in any way. Thing is they're not really kids anymore... SS is 25, SD is 18 and very independent.

OP posts:
Wdigin2this · 22/04/2015 09:02

Sorry MrJ, but yes...mothers pretty much always put their DC first, and in most cases rightly so! But, this is not most cases, and in allowing her DS to virtually live of you both, she is not only damaging your relationship, but she is doing her son a huge disservice! If she hasn't taught him to be an independent person who can manage his own life, then she hasn't done her job as a caring and responsible parent! A point I'm sure you've elaborated on many times!Sad

Fairenuff · 22/04/2015 16:16

So you're going to carry on as you are then?

Original poster
mrjobson67 · 14/09/2015 11:03

5 months later...

I'd like to be telling you all how much the SS has changed, but I can't.

Due to the awkward atmosphere in our house when he was staying with us, he moved out and ended up staying with his Nan, so in some respects, the approach of making it un-comfortable for him worked, but in reality the problem just moved on. What has changed though, is that 2 months ago, the doctors finally told him that he is well enough to be working and so his sick-pay had been stopped. Now, you'd think this would change his outlook.... it didn't! His Nan has been pushing him to look into getting his own place.... but he's done nothing. On the positive side though, he looked at going to college.... that lasted for one day and he hasn't returned.

In the mean-time, his Nan has now told him a few home truths and in true SS style, he flew off the handle, "like he usually does", said some nasty stuff, "like he usually does", so now his Nan want's him out of the house but is too afraid to say anything in fear of him storming off in a rage with no where to go.

I feared the worst when I heard this and categorically told my partner that there is NO WAY he is moving back into our house to just lounge around again, as the problem is just being moved on... AGAIN!. So my partner in the mean-time has got in contact with his Dad and told him that it's time he took him in and tried to sort him out. The Dad, basically said there's no room at his house and said exactly what I pretty much thought... THE PROBLEM IS JUST BEING MOVED ON!!

The frustrating thing is, only the SS can change his ways and make that change for the better.

OP posts:
Wdigin2this · 14/09/2015 11:19

Oh his poor Nan, she shouldn't have to be coping with this! But you're right, he has to make changes he's a grown person and must stand on his own two feet!
I know what you're saying about the problem just being moved on....but tbh, as long as it's not moving your way, I'd just wash your hands of the situation! If his mother brings up the problem with you, just insist he is absolutely not moving back with you, but otherwise, I wouldn't be talking about him at all!