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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Adult Step-Son Grates On Me!!

203 replies

mrjobson67 · 11/03/2015 16:12

Hello,

My name is Roger, I am 41.
Thanks for taking the time to read my thread.

I'm new here and basically looking for some advice, words of wisdom if you will.

I've been living with my partner now for 16 years and married for 5 years. When I met my partner, she already had kids, boy of 9 and a girl of 6. We've had a great life together, though as the step-son got older, he got lazier and more difficult to deal with. Now, like most lids who leave school, they look to further education, maybe job hunting, driving lessons etc.... Not the step-son, he flatly refused to do any of these, simply because in his words, they are "POINTLESS!".

This went on for 2 years, just sitting around the house playing computer games and watching TV, spending all his days in the house. Don't get me wrong, me and my partner never just sat there and put up with it, I've lost count on how many times I banned the internet during the day, removed fuses from the TV in the hope it would make a difference... Well! It never did. He did eventually sign on at Jobseekers, but nothing came of it.

At 19, he moved up to Leeds with his girlfriend as she was attending University there, so he went with her with the prospect of College. "AT LAST!!" things where looking promising, but it didn't last long. After about 2 years of College, he was kicked out because of bad attendance. He developed a touch of IBS, which is manageable if he eats and drinks the right stuff, but NO! He ignores the issue and carries on regardless. He then spent the next 4 years in his flat in Leeds, playing computer games, watching TV, eating junk and making himself worse. The doctor told him he needed to lose weight and exercise more... but guess what? he did nothing with the advice he was given.

8 months ago, step-son now 25yo, he moved back into our house after splitting up with his girlfriend and we are going through the same routine YET again. He has no job and no income. If he isn't sitting in his room on the Playstation, he is watching TV downstairs. I warned my partner that nothing will change, but she doesn't seem to be on my side this time round... she makes his tea, does his washing, basically treats him like a child. I tell her she is just enabling his ways.

Just the thought of him lying there in bed when I'm up at 7 getting ready for work grates on me and every night I come home from work he's either sat there with his feet up or in his room playing games. I'm not sure how much more of him I can take. I've worked hard all my life, whilst at 25 he doesn't know what a days work is.

I'm very conscious now that my thread is going on a bit, so thanks if you got this far.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Roger.

OP posts:
LadyBlaBlah · 12/03/2015 07:09

Paxtecum - your friend's son is a perfect example. He has/had an alcohol problem. There's something else going on there.

Katie - you took a year off self-funded. A planned sabbatical. It's not the same as no plans, none of your own money, no social life.

And deliberately provocative? In what way?

Marshy · 12/03/2015 07:16

Well, this has been an education.

I'm feeling quite depressed now, mainly as a result of reading some of the views expressed on this thread.

ladyblahblah you are wasting your breath here.

I'm out.

PeruvianFoodLover · 12/03/2015 07:19

And deliberately provocative? In what way?

In this way......

I get the feeling that people on this thread think depression is all bollox innit

I assume you're going to ignore my questions about how you support the families of the young people that you work with - or do you tell them the same thing? Confused

HedgehogsDontBite · 12/03/2015 07:22

I don't blame you for feeling frustrated OP. As others have said though, I think the problem stems from your partner's attitude to her son and her lack of expectations for him and his future.

My DD is 21, has her own flat, is a full time student, has a part-time job and all this despite being autistic. Staying at home doing nothing was never an option. We were 100% united in this. If we hadn't been she'd be the same as your stepson.

So the reality is that nothing will change until your partner are on the same page. Sorry.

AKnickerfulOfMenace · 12/03/2015 07:41

Peruvian, if you genuinely want someone to answer your questions, calling them deliberately provocative is unhelpful.

CatsCantTwerk · 12/03/2015 07:42

That would drive me mad op. As others have pointed out you need to get your wife on board, She is doing your dss no favours at all.

I have a lazy arse 17 (18 next month) year old son. He would rather lie in bed till midday, stay up all night and play on his ps3 than get a job.
He no longer lives with me! There is no way I would put up with that behaviour.

As for LadyBlaBlah she is talking utter shite.

KatieKaye · 12/03/2015 08:04

Lady you said that you knew of nobody who didn't want a job. Clearly lots of people do not want to work but accept that they have to in order to live. So it is simply not true. And I did not take a sabbatical. I left.

There is a big difference between not wanting to work and not being bothered to work because first your girlfriend and then your DM and DSF are paying for you to do nothing.
Ultimately this man has to take responsibility for his own life. Allowing him to do absolutely nothing is very damaging. As his DM works part time it sounds as if OP is having to pay for a healthy man who chooses not to do anything and that us appalling.

Original poster
mrjobson67 · 12/03/2015 08:04

Hi Duckdeamon

I obviously don't call him "the stepson" in reality, it's just what I'm using here. I notice most of the posts use abbreviation like DS and SS... so apologies for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrjobson67 · 12/03/2015 08:12

Ladyblahblah

I can see how the title of this thread would come across better if it was more positive toward my SS. But after 6 years of banging my head against the wall, and on many occasion VERY HARD!!! these are my feelings unfortunately.

OP posts:
Storm15 · 12/03/2015 09:16

Is your SS a dope-smoker OP? He sounds quite a lot like the committed stoners I've known in my time....

Wdigin2this · 12/03/2015 09:41

MrJob, yes perhaps the title of your thread could have been less harsh, but I can empathise with how you felt when you wrote it....and hey, it got you noticed didn't it?! I hope you've found some of the responses helpful, the consensus appears to be that you shouldn't allow your DSS to continue living in your home as if he's a dependent child. But you must get his mother on board, hard as it will be (and boy I know about that) you must find a way to have a really meaningful discussion with her! Perhaps you could email /text/phone her asking her to meet you somewhere, because you need to talk about where things are going with your lives regarding how (son's name) features in it! Bit dramatic I know, but if she realises this is a cross roads in your lives, it may be the way forward! I'm sure I don't need to tell you that the discussion needs to be conducted in a calm, non aggressive, non accusatory manner, but perhaps set out a bullet point note to self, about what you feel is acceptable/unacceptable in DSS's continued residency at your home. Then perhaps, ask for her opinion/response to your reasonable requests, if she will not participate in/avoids/ignores the discussion, it's up to you whether you feel you can press the issue...or consider your future life down a different road! Only you know how much harder you will find this continuing situation, and no matter what is said about ' throwing your DSS out to fend for himself', he's 25 and able bodied, possibly depressed, (or poss just lazy) of course you want to help him, but it's a two way street, he has to be willing to meet you half way! Sorry this is a bit of a monologue, hope it's of some help! Good luck!

Sethspeaks · 12/03/2015 11:09

It's an impossible situation. I think you have done all you can to support and encourage him. But he has rejected it all. And all the while he is doing that nothing will ever change. The desire to change has to come from him and the boundaries around that need to come from your dw too.

This isn't a child, he's an adult making his own choices and as such he has to live with the consequences of those choices. But he isn't having to live with the consequences all the while he's being cosseted by your dw.

I really feel for you.

Original poster
mrjobson67 · 12/03/2015 12:29

Hi Storm15

Thankfully, he doesn't smoke or take drugs, neither does he "regularly" drink alcohol.

Sethspeaks

Agreed, there are no consequences at the moment, so he's learning nothing from his actions. This is something I have repeatedly told my partner, but she seems to find it difficult in using any tough love.

OP posts:
kinkytoes · 12/03/2015 13:31

Mr jobson I think you need to decide how big a deal this is for you. If you can't get through to your dp then you are less likely to get anywhere with your dss. You need dp to support you otherwise it sounds like you will be miserable for quite some time.

Dp is the key to solving this situation. If she won't see what it's doing to you then you will maybe need to evaluate how much you need either of them in your life. Hope you can get somewhere and it won't come to that though!

ImperialBlether · 12/03/2015 13:43

Anyone would be depressed if they played computer games all day, ate crap and never went outdoors. Unfortunately, the cure for that is to get your arse outside and to eat well.

OP, I wouldn't be able to stand it. Everyone in a family has to pull together and though, yes, there are times when one member is weaker, due to illness or redundancy or whatever, it doesn't mean that they can take advantage of everyone else.

Basically, he can't live the way he lives without you and your wife paying for it. The problem is clearly with your wife for allowing him to act in the way he does. How can he not even claim JSA? That is taking laziness to its extreme.

You need to get her onside and then tackle him together. If she wouldn't do that, then I'd be tempted to leave. I couldn't cope with someone leeching off the family like that.

ImperialBlether · 12/03/2015 13:44

Btw, is your wife on here? Have you posted this in the hope she'll read it?

Storm15 · 12/03/2015 13:45

OK, I was pretty sure you'd say yes to that! He must be a bit depressed then....what a miserable way to exist.

Regardless, it's wholly unacceptable. He clearly needs to be told he starts paying his way or finds alternative accommodation. I think you for one should say that you refuse to enable him any longer and will not be contributing towards his portion of the bills. Could you do that? I realise it would be a pain in the backside practically to start carving up the bills but I can't really think of any other way to get through to either of them. Why in God's name is she doing his laundry??

Momagain1 · 12/03/2015 17:32

If the OP were a woman posting that her husband sat around all day, made no contribution to the house either financially or physically (cleaning, cooking etc) would you say the same? Or is it because the OP is posting about his STEP son?

THIS!! If he had moved in with the girlfriend, and stayed, (with or eithout children) hardly anyone would hesitate to say LTB, or change the locks. If DSD had a partner like this, her mother would support her fully in getting rid, I am sure.

Unfortunately, you can't easily do something so drastic. But you can help his mother to see him in the same light. Since his teen years, the two of them have gradully boxed each other into these do-dependently negative roles. Both you and DSD are on the outside.

For now, approach the problem from the point of view of helping DW remember the woman and partner she wanted to be in these post-child-rearing to pensioner years. This should be the time of having funds to apply toward your retirement, a bit of travel (2nd honeymoon?) , hobbies. what did she used to want to do once the children were gone? Try to reinspire that.

Ignore DSS. He likely wont get any worse, and who knows,he may get off his arse when being on it no longer attracts any attention. Concentrate on DW and your marriage.

Momagain1 · 12/03/2015 17:35

Proofread and bold failure. Argh.

Original poster
mrjobson67 · 12/03/2015 17:42

Hi ImperialBlether

Hah! NO! My wife isn't on here. I purely came here to get another perspective from others. Thanks for taking the time to post.

Storm15

Laundry? I ask her the same thing... these are the chores that he should be tasked with, especially as he spends his time at home whilst we are at work.

I know what I have to do, I'm not good at confrontation, but I know it has to be sorted sooner than later.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 12/03/2015 22:33

Your frustration is understandable!

newstart15 · 13/03/2015 21:00

My brother (who is separated from his wife) has a son who was very similar. Whilst at home his mum allowed him to do nothing.She even paid a neighbours son to cut the grass whilst her son lay on the couch.She was an enabler, this was her 24 year old baby, and wouldn't let him grow up to take responsibility. My brother was able to give him an ultimatum and it worked..He got a job in a month.

He lacked motivation and assumed he would be looked after.There is lots of help out there and the job market has improved so now is a good time.

Is his dad involed on his life?

jovialjulia · 14/03/2015 08:48

If he's depressed that's sad but he is an adult and it is his job to sort it out. Medication, therapy, getting Some exercise. His mum can support him in that but if he won't do any of it then he needs shipped out. It's utterly shocking that a 25 year old "man" or woman for that matter can contribute nothing and scrounge off of his parents and people still find a way to blame the step parent.
I'd be giving your wife an ultimatum I'm afraid Roger.

NaiceVillageOfTheDammed · 15/03/2015 12:41

As he (SS) done anything/organised anything for his DM today?

Original poster
mrjobson67 · 16/03/2015 07:51

Thanks again for taking your time to post...

NaiceVillage

Apologies, I'm still getting used to the abbreviations, but what is DM?

newstart15

His dad doesn't get involved at all, they do speak, but his dad doesn't really say anything about his condition. It's kind of like I'm the only one who takes it seriously... maybe too seriously... I just don't know anymore?!?!

OP posts: