Adult Step-Son Grates On Me!!

[mrjobson67]

Hello,

My name is Roger, I am 41.
Thanks for taking the time to read my thread.

I'm new here and basically looking for some advice, words of wisdom if you will.

I've been living with my partner now for 16 years and married for 5 years. When I met my partner, she already had kids, boy of 9 and a girl of 6. We've had a great life together, though as the step-son got older, he got lazier and more difficult to deal with. Now, like most lids who leave school, they look to further education, maybe job hunting, driving lessons etc.... Not the step-son, he flatly refused to do any of these, simply because in his words, they are "POINTLESS!".

This went on for 2 years, just sitting around the house playing computer games and watching TV, spending all his days in the house. Don't get me wrong, me and my partner never just sat there and put up with it, I've lost count on how many times I banned the internet during the day, removed fuses from the TV in the hope it would make a difference... Well! It never did. He did eventually sign on at Jobseekers, but nothing came of it.

At 19, he moved up to Leeds with his girlfriend as she was attending University there, so he went with her with the prospect of College. "AT LAST!!" things where looking promising, but it didn't last long. After about 2 years of College, he was kicked out because of bad attendance. He developed a touch of IBS, which is manageable if he eats and drinks the right stuff, but NO! He ignores the issue and carries on regardless. He then spent the next 4 years in his flat in Leeds, playing computer games, watching TV, eating junk and making himself worse. The doctor told him he needed to lose weight and exercise more... but guess what? he did nothing with the advice he was given.

8 months ago, step-son now 25yo, he moved back into our house after splitting up with his girlfriend and we are going through the same routine YET again. He has no job and no income. If he isn't sitting in his room on the Playstation, he is watching TV downstairs. I warned my partner that nothing will change, but she doesn't seem to be on my side this time round... she makes his tea, does his washing, basically treats him like a child. I tell her she is just enabling his ways.

Just the thought of him lying there in bed when I'm up at 7 getting ready for work grates on me and every night I come home from work he's either sat there with his feet up or in his room playing games. I'm not sure how much more of him I can take. I've worked hard all my life, whilst at 25 he doesn't know what a days work is.

I'm very conscious now that my thread is going on a bit, so thanks if you got this far.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Roger.

Again, thanks for all your input guys. It's nice to see some opinions and thoughts based on mine, I don't feel like such the bad guy I thought I was. Plus it's also helpful to read other opinions too which I have taken on board.

I wish there was one defining moment I could point out that would make sense of his actions over the years, but I can assure you I have shared pretty much everything on here. I understand I am the step-father, but he still has good contact with his real father. I also think we've been a pretty standard family too. I have worked all my life since 18 at the same job, my partner works part time, and my step daughter has a part time job also and looking to start Uni in September... so I kind of always wonder why the step son has never really taken a leaf out of our book??

I've always looked up to my parents as role models. They worked hard for what they have now and I respect them highly for that.

Oh for goodness sake, yes he's depressed, yes he's lacking confidence, but he's 25 and it's his own fault....apart from his mother encouraging him to make no effort, which has obviously led him to believe the world owes him a living! I have a DSD who though working and in her own home, has expected my DH to pay for everything whenever she's with us, bail her out when she's in trouble and pay for almost everything else, and at her age it ain't gonna change now! Dont allow this to go on, serve up some tough love with his next home cooked meal! Discuss this with your DW, but be clear you're not prepared to work hard to keep another adult who's too lazy to earn his own living, she must surely see that too!!

Hi Wdigin2this

I'm at the point where I get anxious about bringing it up now because it does cause slight awkwardness between me and my partner. I'm also at the point where I'm tired of hearing myself repeat the same subject. I do get a sense that she's aware he does need to change his ways, she just doesn't act like it's a real issue... where I think it is.

He's 25, never worked, has no money, has no prospects, sits around the house all day whilst everyone is out working for a living... how is that not an issue I ask myself?

I really feel for you Mrjob, it's so frustrating watching your partner receiving so much disrespect from their child, not too mention seeing them take outrageous, appalling advantage of them....and obviously this has an emotional and financial impact on you too! I know also how it feels when you try to bring the subject up and feeling like you're walking on eggshells! Make no mistake, this is a BIG.issue, it's not something he'll 'grow out of' and the longer it goes on, the more entrenched he will become...you'll never be rid of the responsibility for his life. It's not fair, it's not right and you must make your wife see that, I really don't know how you're going to do it, but it has to be done..and if you do, you're a better man (woman) than me!!!

I've no bright ideas for you, but just posting for support.

Ladyblabla is talking nonsense.

My step son really grates on me

Or

I'm really worried about my stepson, he doesn't go out and isn't engaged in life

The 2 are really different.

I get the problem, I work with people like your dss every day and although it's frustrating and although "I did it, why can't you" is really obvious to everyone else it actually just makes people feel even worse about themselves, disdain really doesn't help people when they already feel like shit.

If you can't even bring it up now with either Dw or dss communication and trust has broken down and that's probably where solving this could start with simple stuff like "I'm really worried about you".

Perhaps all the 'I'm really worried about you' stuff has already been tried! This situation has been going on for years, and though I get how the DSS may be depressed and is feeling bad about his life...what about the OP's feelings? He seems to me to be a reasonable hardworking man, who is contributing the lion's share to the household, and has to stand by and see another adult living off his efforts! I've got a problem DSC, but not on this ridiculous level, perhaps OP should be considering his own future, and perhaps if his DW realises she risks losing her DH, she might man-up and tell her son, 'no effort, no reward', unless he finds a way to contribute, cash or help with chores, there should be no more use of the TV, clean laundry/bedding or access to the fridge...and damn well stick to it!!

I get the problem, I work with people like your dss every day and although it's frustrating and although "I did it, why can't you" is really obvious to everyone else it actually just makes people feel even worse about themselves, disdain really doesn't help people when they already feel like shit.

Do you advise and support the families of your clients, too?

Does your manner on this thread towards the OP reflect the way that you suggest to the families of the young people you see that they need to support, not judge them?

Assuming the OPs DW is making a conscious choice to enable her DSS behaviour (however it may be caused) then the OP is, at the very least, owed an honest conversation in which she should admit that.
If she plans on meeting her sons needs until he decides that he no longer wants or needs her to, then the OP can make decisions about his own future knowing that the status quo could continue until his DW is no longer physically able to.

This would seriously piss me off! I agree with pp who said give him a month to leave. He will have to present himself as homeless to council. His Disney mum has infantilised him, how any mum would want their son to turn out like this is beyond me! My son was unemployed for 4 months once and I was on his case constantly until he got a job.

I can't ever imagine thinking my son sleeping homeless would be a good solution to this to like, teach him a lesson.

It's really interesting how people are so absolutely lacking in empathy towards this young man.

I have never met a person who doesn't want actually want a job. They might be shit scared, totally devastated in their self worth and of what they are capable of and therefore exhibit totally destructive and avoiding behaviour but I've never met anyone, and it's particularly true in depth of young men who wouldn't want a car, house and money of their own. The assumption made by most on this thread is that he's morally deficient. Oh well, yeah chuck him out op. That'll learn him.

LadyBlaBlah - I do think it's good you are seeing things from the lad's point of view - it's always good to have someone going against the grain and pointing out new things.

I do also feel though that age 25 is too old to be playing computer games instead of getting a job. If the OP is helping stepson by giving career ideas etc then he isn't exactly tossing him out on his ear. Yes, he may be depressed, but no one is helping him by doing all his fundamental chores or facilitating a lazy lifestyle. There is compassion and then there is reality. The reality is that letting this guy take advantage is not helping anyone.

It doesn't sounds like the DP is listening at all to the OP.

Where is your empathy for OP, ladyblahbla? Ever thought that this situation might propel him into depression?

Given the choice, maybe he'd prefer to sit around the house all day, getting everything paid for and not even bothering to walk the poor dog.

It sounds like this adult man has managed to live for 25 years without taking one iota of responsibility for himself or doing a single thing in his life except to expect others to provide for him. And that is pretty shocking,

OP, please talk to your wife about how this impacts on you, how it makes you feel. Not everything has to be about your stepson, but it is important the effect he has on you is recognised. It would be a very unusual person who did not resent the fact an able bodied adult did absolutely nothing around the house. Maybe point out to your wife you were 25 when you started your relationship, as that might shock her into action.

You haven't mentioned anything about drug use, but is this a possibility? His behaviour sounds very like two young men I know, both of whom are heavily into pot.

Or maybe he is just lazy, which is being facilitated by his mum. I don't think it is helpful to assume he is depressed. At the very least I would insist he signs on and get him to do chores!

X post Katie. Drugs could be an issue.

X post indeed!

Oh, and contrary to Ladyblahblas assertion I know lots of people, including myself who don't actually want to work. However, we all do because we don't have anyone to fund us lying around the house all day.

But you do Katie - you could just go on benefits and do nothing. That choice is pretty available to you in the UK, you can get away with it.
You work because you want money and a house. As do most people most of the time. Unless there is something else going on e.g. confidence, depression.

I do agree btw that he should be doing chores and signing on at the very least. But he's not.

Have you watched Benefits Britain Lady BB, plenty of folk on there, who REALLY don't want to work, but of course they all have someone facilitating their lifestyle....the hard working tax payer! Aww but then, they may be depressed!! This guy is 25 and never had a job or made any effort at all...get real!

Yeah Benefits Britain, that well known balanced representation of unemployed people.

I get the feeling that people on this thread think depression is all bollox innit

Well, if I had a £1 for every time I heard that old chestnut! Firstly, those people on Benefits Britain are not forced to appear on national
TV moaning about how little cash they receive, whilst smoking and drinking...and day dreaming about becoming Hollywood Actors, if you please! Secondly having suffered severe depression myself, I know full well how debilitating and soul destroying it is, but not everyone feels it's someone else's job to sort their lives out...some of us struggle through, get the help we need and face up to life. We may fall down a few times but we just keep on getting back up again!

This situation would drive me crazy. But unless you get your wife on board it's not going to change so I think that has to be your starting point. He's a grown man and should take responsibility for himself.
Ladyblahblah .....you really have never met anyone who doesn't want to work? I have met loads in my (previous) line of work, who are quite happy to live off the bank of mum and dad! The OP can only show empathy and understanding for so long. If the OP were a woman posting that her husband sat around all day, made no contribution to the house either financially or physically (cleaning, cooking etc) would you say the same? Or is it because the OP is posting about his STEP son?

Ladyblahbla, you are wrong. I had a year off work just because I wanted to. Because I didn't want to work. And I didn't go on benefits either, I self funded. The "adult gap year" is the way to go.

Ladyblabla: you haven't met my friend's son. He absolutely refuses to work.
He used to work hard, then had an alcohol problem, was in a rehab place for 6 months, they they gave him sheltered accommodation. Several years on he is still refusing to look for work.

He lives off benefits and his parents send him money, which he constantly asks for.
It is a very sad situation for all of them.

I'm in my 60s and I watched many children grow into adults and it was evident that quite a few of the young men drifted upto the age of 30, but they some of them went to uni to do music or art degrees, funded by parents, but generally smoking far too much dope and just hanging around doing nothing.

But they were socialising and getting out of the house and now in their early 40s they have been independent for 10 plus years.

Your wife isn't really helping her son by letting this situation continue.
Something needs to change.

In your shoes I would end the living together arrangement with my DP, move elsewhere, and let her live with him and deal with him. Doesn't sound like she is going to be able to address the problem or help you to do so.

I don't like the way you call him "the stepson".

ladyBlaBlah. Are you being deliberately provocative?

As you work with young people who cannot, or do not, work or attend training, then surely it is part of your job to act as an advocate for them?
Defending the OPs son, and saying it unreasonable to expect him to do the very things you say that he should be doing (chores and signing on) doesn't help the OP.

With your experience, can't you suggest to the OP how he may be able to influence the situation? How do you support the families of your clients when they are not doing what they should?