Adult Step-Son Grates On Me!!

[mrjobson67]

Hello,

My name is Roger, I am 41.
Thanks for taking the time to read my thread.

I'm new here and basically looking for some advice, words of wisdom if you will.

I've been living with my partner now for 16 years and married for 5 years. When I met my partner, she already had kids, boy of 9 and a girl of 6. We've had a great life together, though as the step-son got older, he got lazier and more difficult to deal with. Now, like most lids who leave school, they look to further education, maybe job hunting, driving lessons etc.... Not the step-son, he flatly refused to do any of these, simply because in his words, they are "POINTLESS!".

This went on for 2 years, just sitting around the house playing computer games and watching TV, spending all his days in the house. Don't get me wrong, me and my partner never just sat there and put up with it, I've lost count on how many times I banned the internet during the day, removed fuses from the TV in the hope it would make a difference... Well! It never did. He did eventually sign on at Jobseekers, but nothing came of it.

At 19, he moved up to Leeds with his girlfriend as she was attending University there, so he went with her with the prospect of College. "AT LAST!!" things where looking promising, but it didn't last long. After about 2 years of College, he was kicked out because of bad attendance. He developed a touch of IBS, which is manageable if he eats and drinks the right stuff, but NO! He ignores the issue and carries on regardless. He then spent the next 4 years in his flat in Leeds, playing computer games, watching TV, eating junk and making himself worse. The doctor told him he needed to lose weight and exercise more... but guess what? he did nothing with the advice he was given.

8 months ago, step-son now 25yo, he moved back into our house after splitting up with his girlfriend and we are going through the same routine YET again. He has no job and no income. If he isn't sitting in his room on the Playstation, he is watching TV downstairs. I warned my partner that nothing will change, but she doesn't seem to be on my side this time round... she makes his tea, does his washing, basically treats him like a child. I tell her she is just enabling his ways.

Just the thought of him lying there in bed when I'm up at 7 getting ready for work grates on me and every night I come home from work he's either sat there with his feet up or in his room playing games. I'm not sure how much more of him I can take. I've worked hard all my life, whilst at 25 he doesn't know what a days work is.

I'm very conscious now that my thread is going on a bit, so thanks if you got this far.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Roger.

Hi Wdigin2this,

I'm there already not wanting to talk about it. I've exhausted all avenues as far as I'm concerned, it's like one big roundabout from hell. At least now my partner is starting to see what he's doing... where-ever the SS is taken in, he will selfishly get comfortable, watching everyone go about there daily life and putting in as little effort as possible.

Well all you can do is stick to your word, don't let him over the threshold!

Don't let him back whatever you do! Not even for 'just one night'.

What a revolting selfish man to be leaching off his grandmother! And yes, he's a man, a fully grown, fully competent fully grown adult.

I hope his mother can see a bit more what he's like now it's her presumably elderly mother he's taking advantage of. It must be upsetting to see what kind of man he's become, I'd hate that to be my child. But hopefully he won't stay this way for ever if he finally runs out of people to use...

Are you and your DW in a position to fund a deposit and first months rent for a bedsit? That will cover him until he gets a job or housing benefit?

I can see your reasoning Lottie, but it seems that this DSS has been taking everyone for a financial ride for years, so why should MrJob fork out again? Anyway, if he has no income, the minute he starts to owe rent, he'll be homeless again....and back looking for a warm billet at mummy's house!

OP - I suggest you move house, to a studio flat with no broadband, and don't leave a forwarding address.

I would insist that the DSS goes for counseling for 6 months minimum.

Maybe some people are born useless lumps, but where is his DF? (sorry haven't read whole thread), was his parent's split acrimonious? Is he carrying on family traits, is there mental health probs in the family.

I think there is usually a reason for people making their lives crap (like the DSS's) - low self-esteem etc.

I would want to know all the background to his childhood and upbringing then go from there with counseling or whatever might fix him. He will prob refuse to go but you could try.

Parents don't like to admit that they could be the cause of their DCs probs, much easier to blame the DCs for being lazy, feckless or whatever.

SS left his vegetables. My partner pointed out to him that he should eat these because of the iron, but he responded with "I'M FULL!".... 5 minutes later he was eating a bowl of trifle

Sounds like a path of self-destruction, why?????????????

Hi Scoobydoo8

DSS did actually start counselling a few months ago, the doctors booked him in for 5, 1hr sessions to start with, but never bothered after the 2nd, the reasons being he found the whole thing "patronising and pointless."

The split between his mum and dad wasn't bitter at all, it was a joint decision and quite amicable from what I know. The DSS has had a really stable up-bringing too in my opinion. He had friends he would play with as a kid outside in the street, loved dancing at parties, pretty much what you'd expect from a kid. He was always in contact with his dad, could never want for anything really. It all really started around 15-16, he became a bit more difficult to deal with... that was it from then! The whole attitude changed and we just thought it was the typical teenager blues, but it never went away!

If you leave him to his own devices, he's fine to deal with... but start talking to him about the future and what his plans are in life, that's when it gets nasty.

"I think there is usually a reason for people making their lives crap (like the DSS's) "

Doesn't sound crap to me - no need to work, food delivered to you, don't have to eat things you don't fancy, free lodgings, broadband, money thrown at you so you can buy games, no need to pay for or do anything etc.

Sounds blissful.

The trouble is, even if someone doesn't start with a problem - if they just sit back and let everyone else do everything for them - they will end up depressed/unhealthy in body and soul. But there has to come a point where they start taking control of their own lives - 'cruel to be kind'.

I have step relations and it is marked the one who never 'grew up' and just became selfish. Other people, like the grandparent in this case, just become enablers.

Well done for being strong, OP. I really hope your wife thanks you one day.

Family friends have a son of around the same age who is so checked-out but also angry at the world that he became impossible to employ as he couldn't handle being given instruction by anyone and always thought he knew better.

I really feel for his Grandmother. Just imagine what sort of life she had at that age. I don't know how old she is but the chances are she lived through hardship, rationing etc. And her grandson is "getting nasty" over what exactly?

Looks like you are doing all you can OP.

You could make counseling a condition of any support you give him.

Do people have a good life if they are bone idle, no friends, no social life, I doubt it. What about an assessment for mental illness or similar.

I have a useless Dbrother but have learnt in the end that nothing will change him and I have taken a step back - he is single and in his 60s now, I could see me becoming his carer! Keep that in mind to push for change.

Scooby and OP....I would say to you, avoid [at all costs] allowing yourself to slip into the caring roll! These people chose the life they lead, you chose yours, if you go down the road of; taking meals, clean bedding, doing laundrey, you will be sucked into their miserable, blinkered and useless lives...Dont Do It

Wdigin2this couldn't agree more. Even if someone is depressed/having a hard time - the more you take over the worse you will make it in the long term - don't institutionalise someone by babying them! Compassionate yes - enabling no!

Hello,

I'd love to be revisiting this thread with good news and developement, unfortunately it's not to be.

I think the last time I was here, I talked about the current situation of DSS now living with his Nan in hope that he would change his ways. Sadly it never happened... he didn't change one bit and I now find myself in the situation where my wife has moved him back in with us. I can't really go into everything, but let me ask you guys this...

"What would you're reaction be if I told you that DSS, who is a 26 year old man, dossing at his Nan's and lets his Mum come round after work to clean the house?"

I think it's disgusting personally.

Totally agree MrJob, I have thought about my response carefully, and in your place, I would have said....if he moves in, I move out! And I would have done it too, because I could not live like you're doing!!!

Hi Wdigin2this

Sadly my friend, that is exactly what I have said to her. How can she after all these years allow him to come back full circle? He has behaved disgustingly in my eyes.

Again, how would you feel if your step-son didn't bother to walk up the road to buy a mothers day card for his mum, but the following week he can be bothered to walk into town and trade in computer games for new ones? This is a 26 year old man for gods sake, and she still protects him?

I could have wrote this about my brother. He is living at my nans who is 83 and she runs around after him, cooks, cleans, irons his clothes ect.. The arguments I've had with him, with my dad and trying to support my nan. She is old but she mothers him. It's stopping him from being an independant adult and it boils my piss. I had to realise though that if my nan didn't want to do it she wouldn't.

mrjob this isn't your SS fault it's your wife's. She is probally in a place now where she feels she has to defend him so what ever you say she will take it as a personal attack against her and him.

I don't know how you have managed to stick it out till now because I don't even live with my nan and db and just the thought of him taking the piss infuriates me.

If I were in your situation I'd leave. It doesn't look like he is going to change with his mother enabling him (she is actually the problem) This is beyond the usual family support that we give our children when it's needed.

What a horrible situation for you to be in. If you left your SS probally wouldn't even give a shit but for the resentment would eat away at me and I'd have to leave. No way would I invest money in to a house where there is an adult leech enjoying the benefits

Regarding the mothersday card - my nan was ill and he wouldn't even walk the 100 yards to the chemist to get her prescription. She had to phone me and ask me to collect it on my way home from work. I nearly punched him when I walked in and seen him sat there at his pc.

Sorry to hear this, MrJobson. I think you were heroically patient when you were posting before and if this is the latest scenario then no one would blame you for walking away. This could go on for the rest of your lives!

Just a guess but it sounds as if your wife is driven by guilt. I have seen this make separated parents subjugate themselves relentlessly, usually to no avail.

I agree that the problem here is your DW, not your DSS. She has obviously brought him up to be a selfish, lazy, dependant person...and is now reaping what she sowed!

A while back in my life, I thought I was going to be faced with a DSC moving in with us, and for very different reasons, I was totally horrified at the thought! I waited until there was the first indication that this would happen, and prepared myself, (bank a/c's, place to go, discretly packed bags, ultimatum to DH written etc). Fortunately, the situation changed and the (IMO) danger of a permanent houseguest didn't happen. BUT...I know that should it actually happen, my marriage would have no chance of survival, (completely different reasons than yours) so whilst there is any chance of this scenario, I will always be prepared to leave, because that would be far better than the slow, painful death of our relationship!

So last night we got into yet another heated discussion about SS. I asked my wife what is he actually doing about his depression and confidence building, knowing he isn't actually doing anything about it and because no one seems to mention it. Wife replied that the doctors have upped his anti-depressants as the previous ones weren't helping. So I pointed out that surely tablets won't cure this, but just ease the symptons and he has to also make a conscious effort, just staying around the house all day watching TV and games surely doesn't help?

So the wife replied with "well I've been on them for 18 years"....

What kind of response is that? So I said you can't possibly want SS to be on anti-depressants for the rest of his life and suggested he looks into some kind of therapy/confidence classes and I also suggested he takes walks during the day as the doctors have actually suggested that exercise can help the digestive system. At least he is then getting out of the house at the same time. Wife then replied with "that's as long as he doesn't shit himself and have bad guts on them days".

OMG! It's like banging my head against a brick wall! A vicious circle... I'm sure it's not easy, but you can't keep using that as an excuse all the time otherwise he'll get no-where I said.

The conversation really didn't end with a solution.

mrjob why did you ask a question you already know the answer too? Your wife is in full on protective mode now so anything you say she is taking it as a direct attack on them both - she even likened herself to him by talking about her own lengthy AD. She thinks he ill and needs looking after.

I think you need to grit your teeth and back off a bit otherwise your going to isolate yourself. Does your wife work? Is it your wage that is supporting him?

If I was in your shoes I'd try go away for the weekend to give you all a break from each other. Having time away from the situation will help you see clearer where you want to be or see your life going.

Your not being unreasonable it must be horribly frustrating.

Hi Chocolatteaddict

Thanks for the advice, that's exactly what I thought about doing. I think I'm going to visit my brother in Peterborough for a few days soon.