Adult Step-Son Grates On Me!!

[mrjobson67]

Hello,

My name is Roger, I am 41.
Thanks for taking the time to read my thread.

I'm new here and basically looking for some advice, words of wisdom if you will.

I've been living with my partner now for 16 years and married for 5 years. When I met my partner, she already had kids, boy of 9 and a girl of 6. We've had a great life together, though as the step-son got older, he got lazier and more difficult to deal with. Now, like most lids who leave school, they look to further education, maybe job hunting, driving lessons etc.... Not the step-son, he flatly refused to do any of these, simply because in his words, they are "POINTLESS!".

This went on for 2 years, just sitting around the house playing computer games and watching TV, spending all his days in the house. Don't get me wrong, me and my partner never just sat there and put up with it, I've lost count on how many times I banned the internet during the day, removed fuses from the TV in the hope it would make a difference... Well! It never did. He did eventually sign on at Jobseekers, but nothing came of it.

At 19, he moved up to Leeds with his girlfriend as she was attending University there, so he went with her with the prospect of College. "AT LAST!!" things where looking promising, but it didn't last long. After about 2 years of College, he was kicked out because of bad attendance. He developed a touch of IBS, which is manageable if he eats and drinks the right stuff, but NO! He ignores the issue and carries on regardless. He then spent the next 4 years in his flat in Leeds, playing computer games, watching TV, eating junk and making himself worse. The doctor told him he needed to lose weight and exercise more... but guess what? he did nothing with the advice he was given.

8 months ago, step-son now 25yo, he moved back into our house after splitting up with his girlfriend and we are going through the same routine YET again. He has no job and no income. If he isn't sitting in his room on the Playstation, he is watching TV downstairs. I warned my partner that nothing will change, but she doesn't seem to be on my side this time round... she makes his tea, does his washing, basically treats him like a child. I tell her she is just enabling his ways.

Just the thought of him lying there in bed when I'm up at 7 getting ready for work grates on me and every night I come home from work he's either sat there with his feet up or in his room playing games. I'm not sure how much more of him I can take. I've worked hard all my life, whilst at 25 he doesn't know what a days work is.

I'm very conscious now that my thread is going on a bit, so thanks if you got this far.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Roger.

That's probably a more concise way of putting it lady

Who's money is he spending?

But he is a waster! If he chooses bedsits and benefits, then that's his choice surely. He's an adult.

I'm all for empathy, encouragement and support, but at 25 I'd be doing it at a distance and it would begin with managing his own money.

If he doesn't have to lift a finger but still gets food, warmth, shelter and gaming - obv all basic human rights then why change?

He's got onto the habit of doing nothing for himself himself except lounge around and that can be hard to break.
Height very well be depressed but it's up to him to go to the doctor . However, you can help by having healthy meals and no junk food. As he isn't working or claiming benefits I'm presuming he has no money to buy crap? Also exercise can be important when trying to deal with depression so make walking the dog non negotiable. It'll be good got both of them and frankly it's ridiculous that he won't even do that.

Emphasise the benefits of these to your wife and get her onside and then both of you talk with him about the changes. This situation cannot go on. Your DSS has to make a life for himself but he might need a bit if help doing this.

He also has to sign on in order to get some money, get his national insurance paid and get some incentive to look for a job. Maybe ask your wife why she thinks it's acceptable that he isn't signing on?

Best of luck!

In fairness, I thinkmhe is a waster too, LadyBlaBlah - probably because he is acting like one!

At 25 I was a qualified nurse, with a post basic qualification in Theatre nursing, and had been living independently since the age of 18. My 17 year old has been doing a paper round every morning, apart from Christmas morning, since he was 14 and now has a part time job as a kitchen porter in a local restaurant. He's off on a sun, sea and drinking holiday with his mates, when he has finished his exams this summer, and he has paid for it all with his own earnings.

If a 17 year old can do that, if an 18 year old (me) could care for sick and vulnerable patients, a 25-year-old can get off his arse and sort out his life without expecting his mum to wipe said arse for him.

Hi Marshy,

His Mum and Gran give him money every now and again!

Ladyblah

Maybe he does think that, but I've never once implied that to him. The thing is, he's an adult, he knows I try to point him down the right path, he just doesn't give anything back.

I think your problem here is with your DP, rather than your stepson.

As long as she is keeping a comfy feathered nest for him and not taking into account how you feel about it then it's a problem between you.

Personally, I would keep trying to support him with education/job/volunteering ideas but make a clear timeframe for how long you will tolerate him being in the house. Three months should be plenty. Your DP has to realise that she isn't helping him by keeping him in an extended childhood.

Well I would say that needs to stop and you probably have your biggest leverage point right there.

You have a job on your hands. This situation has developed over time and won't be solved overnight.

Lula is spot on

Thanks to everyone who took the time out of their lives to read my thread. I understand I'm not going to resolve this over the internet, it's nice to take opinions and thoughts from others.

I understand the issue at hand, there is no rule book to parenting, especially when they're supposed to be adults.

Calling someone a waster won't help.

That's if you genuinely want to help him

far too much excusing going on on this thread IMO. He sounds like a freeloading waster and I'd be having none of it.
Reality is that if he is depressed (which I sincerely doubt) then only he can do something about that. In the meantime, being depressed doesn't mean that everyone around you has to pander to your wants and wishes without question, sometimes it's tough love that is the answer.

I would actually take a hard-line approach to this and wouldn't be setting rules - I'd be telling him he has until the end of the month to move out. If he wants to go and live on benefits in a bed-sit then let him.

This is a 25 year old grown man not a child.

"Calling someone a waster won't help." neither will pandering to his demands for food, money and video games.

It's a lazy response to assume he has depression; he hasn't been diagnosed with depression, he seems perfectly happy in the situation he's in, he has lived independently before he is just choosing not to, and being enabled by his mother who is equally useless. perhaps this is the issue - they are too alike...

Just to confirm, I am not aware of any depression, he's not the happiest and bubbliest of people though. But I do agree with CallMeMaybe... Even he did have depression, doesn't mean he has to ruin his life and everyone around him pander him.

The majority of people show signs of depression after being out of work show signs of being depressed.

Yes, you Dw may be enabling him but being cruel and nasty to and about him is as bad.

And it won't help him.

Helping him build his shattered self esteem actually might help. And that's not pandering or being fluffy, it's called being a parent. And it doesn't involve cooking meals and doing his washing either.

And if you seriously think he's 'happy' to be in this position then I'd question your judgement.

He might be in a comfort zone or safe zone but I'd put my house on it that he's not happy

That should have said the majority if people who have been out of work for 6 months and longer show signs of depression.

The fact he doesn't want to do anything is a sign of depression in itself.

I don't think there is anything you can do about it yourself. If your wife is going to continue giving him money then his current lifestyle is being funded, and there is no incentive to change.
First step is to stop the cash (but everyone needs to be on board including his gran) and get him to sign on. Also stop washing for him. The cooking bit can come later but it sounds like a little tough love is needed.

I think on these boards there's a tendency to label people a bit too quickly as having "issues" which excuses their unreasonable behaviour. This may very well be the case, but just as with physical health, people have to take some responsibility for their mental health.

DD1 is a qualified HCP, and had a good job and a nice rented house 250 miles away. She broke up with her partner, chucked the job and the flat and came home. I was going through exactly the same as the OP. Yes, it's nice to be empathetic and nurturing but there comes a time when a bit of tough love is called for.

She had taken to going for a nap in the afternoons as she'd be up all night watching box sets. Emptying the dishwasher seemed to merit a round of applause. It came to head when I lost it because I was tired, stressed with deadlines looming and housework piling up. Within two weeks she had a job and she has rented a lovely flat. We are all much happier. Not the best way to handle it, and I'd like to have done it differently, but we are where we are. Still friends!

Fail to see where the OP has been nasty to his DSS - he's venting frustration after 6 years of watching him do nothing and refuse to help or follow advice given by family and the GP.

Tbh it sounds as though he's always been like this - he only went to Leeds because his GF got a place at uni there. Then left again because they broke up. And did I read correctly he thinks a job is 'pointless'? Of course it is when your mum does everything for you.

Even if he is depressed it sounds like he needs a big event (like the GF's move/the break up) to galvanise him into action. Cutting off money/washing/junk food/meals may be that kind of kick.

Sounds like a really crap situation, and it sounds as though your wife is happy to perpetuate it

I would be totally fed up if that was my son, and I would be totally fed up with my spouse 'enabling' such behaviour in her grown up child.

You know you have two choices .............. it doesn't sound as if the boy is going to change any time soon - he's having a great lifestyle (in his opinion) and your wife is happy to wait on his. Do you want to live in this situation for the rest of your life?

"And if you seriously think he's 'happy' to be in this position then I'd question your judgement."

I can't find any posts from Mrjobson where he says his stepson is happy with his current life, LadyBlaBlah.

I agree with Lulu that your primary problem is that his moher is no loner appropriately parenting him. She seems comfortable not to have to give up daily mothering and move on to the less connnected way you parent an adult. Who knows the reason? his illness? Guilt over what she couldnt give him during her single parent years? An empty nest makes her feel her age? All of the above?

i don't know where his sibling is in all of ths, but I bet resentment over the free ride has already begun, and should she ever ask for more reasonable assistance and it can't be afforded because older brother is being carried by you, well, it seems to me the situation has the potential to break the whole family.

So, ignore him for now. You and your dw and you have to get your disparity sorted. She needs to want to do things other than take care of him. Maybe marital counselling, because this could easily become a proper marital crisis. Or just her, if she can see she is enabling and infantising him. Once she is ready to parent him as he need, together you may have to begin at the beginning and (speedily) raise him all over again beginning with minimal self-care expectations and building up to the teenager stage. Only let's hope this time he will be a more forwrd thinking teen with a view of a future.

ladybla where on earth has OP been 'cruel and nasty' to him?! He has made it clear he tries to support the guy. You're putting a twisted interpretation on the situation.

LadyBla you really have decided that the OP is the baddie here haven't you? In fact you've almost gone as far as to say that the son's situation is all the OP's fault. Give it a rest

What is your step-daughter doing mrjobson