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AIBU? DH's ex wants us to looks after her child too

263 replies

Poppy84b · 09/03/2015 08:17

Hi, Am new to Mumnet and this is my first post.

DSD lives some 200 miles away from us so DH makes an 800 mile round trip once a month for a long weekend so she can spend time with us and his extended family.

Recently his ex has asked if we will have her little boy (with her new husband) too. He doesn't understand at the age of 6 why his sister gets to go away for weekends and has lots of cousins and he doesn't. She says it will only be the one time and he gets really upset when his sister leaves to be with us.
AIBU in thinking that this is a really weird set up?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
needaholidaynow · 10/03/2015 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Verbena37 · 10/03/2015 19:07

I agree with Mincespy.
Rather than seeing the little boy as your ex's new partner.....could you see him as the half sibling of your daughter?

I don't think it's strange at all for him to be curious and miss his sister.
It needn't be every time but a few times a year would be fine.....as long as he is a good boy. Might be slightly odd being ?ith neither of his parents though.....he mighht be home sick a bit.

BathtimeFunkster · 10/03/2015 20:06

This whole arrangement is a complete pile of bogus shite by two dysfunctional people.

Nobody who had any genuine intention of fostering a happy extended family situation would entertain this.

Sending a six year old boy off with two adults he barely knows and his young teenage sister for the best part of the week is just awful.

It's unfair on the boy. It's unfair on his sister. It's unfair on the adult who has met the child once.

To ask a childless woman who has a teenage stepdaughter to take a small child she doesn't know, who isn't dry at night, into her her home for several days and nights is just taking the fucking piss.

When you marry a man with a child you don't agree to take on every new baby his ex creates in the future.

Extended families are not created by diktat.

People come to be fond of each other by spending time together in normal social situations.

A person who genuinely wanted to help this boy feel included in his sister's life would neither suggest this, nor agree to it.

A family day out near his home would be an obvious first step. Then his mother bringing him to stay nearby to meet his sister's cousins some holiday time.

But this imposition on the OP's goodwill is part of some unfinished business between the DSD's parents.

I would be looking for somewhere else to live if I shared a home with a man who carried on like this.

Nice guy my arse.

There is nobody more selfish that the vain person in love with their self-image of how "nice" they are.

NerdyBird · 10/03/2015 20:22

OP if I were you I'd arrange to be away the whole time. Your feelings and views have been disregarded so if you matter so little they won't mind if you're not there. After the weekend you really need to decide whether this would be a dealbreaker for you if it happened again and then have a talk with your DH. I really hope he comes to his senses with regard to your feelings.

clam · 10/03/2015 20:36

Verbena if it's just curiosity, then why not another weekend, as opposed to one that just happens to be extended, allowing the ex and her new partner to go off for a mini break somewhere.
That's what would piss me off more than anything else, the subterfuge. If she'd been up-front and said that this is what she'd like to do and would it be possible for Op and her dh to babysit, then I'd have more respect. As it is, I'd lay money on the fact she's taking you for a ride.
Why not ask her what the arrangement is for if he's unwell or homesick. How soon can she get down to pick him up?

TheMumsRush · 10/03/2015 20:38

For all those saying they've had friends for a sleep over, this it not that! It's a long weekend far away from mum & dad!!

almondfinger · 10/03/2015 20:38

I cant believe he went ahead and said yes without taking your reservations properly into account.

She is definitely using you as a babysitter. As the other posters have said, I would be very nervous of having a strange child in my care for so long, so far from home.

I would have suggested another weekend in the future that is a 1/2 night stay over, if you were feeling the love. She is taking the mickey.

If you had any/or even other children his age to play with it might me a different matter. Entertaining a 6 year old for 5 days who stays up till 11. Someone's in for a good time. I would go away for the whole weekend.

I would also show him this thread. Yes there are posters who are pro blending their families, but most of them have other children to add to the mix.

Liara · 10/03/2015 20:40

My little sister came with to my and my sister's outing with my Dad once.

Made her month, she felt so special to go 'to Daddy' with her older sisters.

Fortunately my dad was lovely and just laughed about it and brought her along. It wasn't a full weekend though, just a day out.

TheMumsRush · 10/03/2015 20:41

I totally agree with bathtime and OP, book a long weekend away!

MeridianB · 10/03/2015 20:42

YADNBU OP.

In some cases where everyone gets on and lives close by then it might work for some people but it's a very personal choice and depends so much on individual circumstances.

In my particular situation, it wouldn't happen and in your circs I completely understand why you don't want it to happen.

I have to agree with others suggesting you should bow out for the whole long weekend if you can - your DH needs a big fat reality check.

TheMumsRush · 10/03/2015 20:43

I hope the mum isn't going away, she'll be needed when this all goes tits up and the poor boy realises he wants to go home. I'd never do this to my son! Outrageous!

MeridianB · 10/03/2015 20:47

OP please do let us know how DH gets on with it all. Particularly the bit when he calls his ex and finds she is in New York......

TheMumsRush · 10/03/2015 20:48

GrinGrinGrin Meridian! So true

TheMumsRush · 10/03/2015 20:50

I wonder if my DH ex will have DS for the weekend, after all they are siblings, and he does get upset when they leave! Plus I'd like the free child care lol

Poppy84b · 10/03/2015 21:16

After yet another heated discussion we have a bit more clarity on the situation.

He's spoken to DD who has said she would like little bro to come. We were planning a family weekend and there will be lots of similar age cousins for him to play with. DH also spoke to his ex and said it won't be a regular occurrence due to the infrequency he see's DD as it is amongst other things. She's now agreed to share the driving 50/50 on all visits, not just this one. She claims she is working over the Easter holiday but has confirmed that her brother and SIL (who live much closer to us) will collect him if there are problems with illness or homesickness.
I have a headache.
Sad

OP posts:
MythicalKings · 10/03/2015 21:29

She claims she is working over the Easter holiday

And this is why the boy suddenly wants to visit. She wants free child care and Sil said no.

MeridianB · 10/03/2015 21:36

Of course she's working.... On her tan. In Marbella.

needaholidaynow · 10/03/2015 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 10/03/2015 21:47

"has confirmed that her brother and SIL (who live much closer to us) will collect him if there are problems with illness or homesickness."

Aha. Because she will be unable to as she'll be out of the country.

TheMumsRush · 10/03/2015 21:55

If he's home sick he'll want mum, not SIL, my god this woman is unbelievable, and so is your partner for not taking your feelings into consideration

catsmother · 10/03/2015 21:59

Though it's natural for all of us to relate what we would or wouldn't do in this situation, it's actually pretty irrelevant when it comes to it as what really matters is that the OP and her 'D'P find a solution which is right for them.

Right for them - plural. Which he's utterly disregarded, and it's that which makes him a lily-livered, disloyal twat.

I'm so sorry you're finding you've got a weak and selfish man on your hands. Doesn't matter that some people may think what he's doing is 'sweet' or whatever ..... it's undeniably selfish to go about making unilateral decisions which affect others. Just who the hell exactly does he think you are - his housekeeper, his nanny, some sort of staff who doesn't need to be consulted about what happens in the house where she lives ? If I've understood correctly, he hasn't even bloody bothered to seek a compromise with you over this - if he feels so terribly strongly about it (which IMO, is rather odd, but then that's not my call, it's yours (plural - again) - asking you to consider a gradual and infrequent pattern of visiting or socialising for example.

I'd be voting with my feet over this - at least for the whole extended weekend and quite possibly more permanently ..... he's being grossly disrespectful.

Petal02 · 10/03/2015 22:12

Yet another case of a spineless man who is perfectly happy to disrespect his second wife in pursuit of keeping his first wife happy. I'd love to know what a psychologist would make of that.

And as someone said earlier, when you get together with a man with children, you don't sign up for taking on any 'new' children his ex subsequently produces.

Pasithea · 10/03/2015 22:18

Hheeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllll
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo

fakenamefornow · 10/03/2015 22:33

I had a friend in a similar situation. Three children together, split up but very grown up about it and still get on well. Both find new partners, first wife has two more children (so she now has five). First husband and new partner (very occasionally) have all five children to stay over with them, so that first wife can have weekends away.

All live in the same town though kids see both parents almost every day. Also adults all get on well so really it's a bit like doing a friend a favour and looking after her kids for the weekend. Not quite a similar situation to you though, you can't know each other well due to distance. It worker well for my friend and her ex though.

MaybeDoctor · 10/03/2015 22:34

The pull-ups should work fine, particularly if you encourage him to go for a wee before bedtime. Discourage drinks after supper.

Whereas I think that a waterproof sheet will make him sweaty (they do to my DS, even the 'fabric' ones) and he is more likely to have a disturbed night.

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