AIBU? DH's ex wants us to looks after her child too

[Poppy84b]

Hi, Am new to Mumnet and this is my first post.

DSD lives some 200 miles away from us so DH makes an 800 mile round trip once a month for a long weekend so she can spend time with us and his extended family.

Recently his ex has asked if we will have her little boy (with her new husband) too. He doesn't understand at the age of 6 why his sister gets to go away for weekends and has lots of cousins and he doesn't. She says it will only be the one time and he gets really upset when his sister leaves to be with us.
AIBU in thinking that this is a really weird set up?

I've got to admit, I'm struggling with this a bit atm. My DSD has a toddler brother at her Mum's. He doesn't see his Dad at all, I'm not sure who Dad is but I know he's never seen him. He cries whenever we collect DSD because he wants to come too. I've looked after him a couple of times while DH and Mum had a chat with DSD (about behaviour / school issues) and at Xmas, I invited Mum and and him to an Xmas party we were having just for the sake of inclusiveness really. All the other kids in the family were coming and it felt wrong excluding him. I realise he's in no way part of my family but he is a big part of DSDs and she's part of ours so..... DH doesn't agree with me at all. I'm tempted to start inviting him to our kids bday parties. DH was horrified when I mentioned it though. He and Mum can't stand each other. It's all very awkward. I'm aware though that I don't want to breed the resentment DH and Mum (and their respective families) have for one another through the children. It would be nice if they all got on. A bit of a highjack OP, sorry.

I think in your situation it was a bit cheeky of Mum to ask but I'm not surprised she did at the same time. To be in sole charge of a 6 year you don't know, 200 miles away from where he lives and for an entire weekend is quite a big ask though! I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable with that even if there wasn't all the back story. It's a massive responsibility for you and your DP to take on. Like I said, I can see where she's coming from but it's not just a trip to the park is it?

I'd also worry about where it would lead... That's my concern if we head down this path with my DSD's little brother. I can see Mum asking us to have him regularly, which would be frankly, inconvenient at best. We already have our hands full.

Definitely one of those of blended family 'grey' areas...no right, no wrong etc etc.

storm can you see it from your DSD point of view?

If you begin to include your DSD toddler half-brother in her time with you then she'll be sharing the limited time she has with her Dad.

I guess it depends how you view things - I think it's quite possible for children to be members of two different families without other members of one family being included in the other. But I realise that for some people, having two families is a difficult concept and they prefer to view everyone the child is related to as "family" - without distinguishing between family groups.

I hadn't thought about that actually Peruvian. Yes, I can totally see it now you mention it.

DSD's time with DH isn't particularly limited in our case though. We're about to go back to 50/50 God help me

My main concern would be me unwittingly paving the way for DSD AND her little brother to start coming 50/50!

The biggest reason I can think of that the 6yo might want to come with his big sister is because he will miss her and will have a bad time without her around. This, of course, would reflect badly on the mum if it were true.

But if it is really coming from him, and he's willing to spend days and nights with adults he doesn't know to be with his sister, then it is a slightly concerning thought about what his mum is like with him.

Storm - have you asked your DSD how she feels about having her little brother along? You should do that, really.

No, because so far it's only been one Christmas party which she was very excited about inviting him to and introducing him to everyone. I don't have intentions of inviting him to come to us regularly - I wouldn't want it to be a regular thing and nor do I think given the relationship between his Mum and my DH, that it would be appropriate for him to be in our care. I was thinking about including him in our DC's bday parties, that's all. I expect DSD would be delighted but I will be sure to ask her first if I do include him though.

What I have thought more about since reading this thread in its entirety (I admit I hadn't hadn't when I first posted) is that DSD might decide along with Mum that he should regularly accompany her to ours...which would make things very hard....because I'm not up for that at all.

He's roughly the same age as our DC are so it wouldn't really be like having her annoying little brother along - it would just be an extra kid to add to the usual pandemonium. I suspect DSD would love it....far too much!

I think I'd be opening a can of worms if I went any further with this. My notion of 'inclusiveness' was probably very misguided!

Ah no, I think it was a lovely thing to do, to want to include him in parties. If you can keep it down to just parties, it might work out ok - but I can see that you're worried it might become more than that.

My DH and I cannot agree on this. He's already told his ex that he will take both of them and point blank refuses to ask for money towards food and outings because that's 'tight'. I've made plans for Sunday and Monday of the Easter weekend so he'll have to do half of it on his own.
DH has actually met the little boy lots of times and has ocassiinally taken him out for lunch when he's done a drop off. I've only really met him once.
DH says that because I don't come from a broken home I will never understand the dynamic between half siblings and the partially seperate lives they have to lead (where did I put my violin?)
I would like to ask if anyone can tell me whether these nighttime pull up pants are effective against accidents or if I should buy a plastic sheet. Not because I'm a really mean stepmum but the guest bed and mattress is brand new and we have overnight guests quite a lot. notahappypoppytoday

Whats done is done and I would certainly question why your feelings do not come into account. I think your DH is being a dick. I do not come from a broken home but I think that my siblings and I certainly had and still have partially separate lives. There are 3.5 years between me and my older sister and 3.5 years between me and my younger brother. I got on ok with both to a certain extent but my brother and sister even to this day aren't really closer as the generation gap at school was to big really. In fact by the time I was a teenager I didn't really see my parents or my siblings as I was always out with friends.

I don't like the idea of putting any style nappy pants on a 6 yo. If he wears them at home then DH will have to get them from home but if it isn't something he already has then you may struggle to get ones that ft? Sure someone who uses them will be able to advise better. I would go mattress topper.

My DH is being a dick. No question there. his DD always gets what she wants and I know she'll more than likely want her little brother on these weekends. Especially as DSD's cousins range from 5-10. I'm so cross.

Plastic sheet - I got one from Dunelm which is plastic backed but terry-toweling on the side you sleep on, not horrible to sleep on like some are.

Thanks chasingsquirrels Theres a dunelm not too far from me actually so will take a look!

terry
flannelette

I'd make more plans and let him do the whole lot on his own.

This is YOUR family too. YOUR home and YOUR time.

Take a solo Easter, and after that give him a long hard stare and tell him that if he wants a happy home life, he'd better start preferring to upset his ex than his current. Before he ends up with two exes and no more children.

She is taking the piss out of both of you.

OP, I'm so sorry your DP has put you in this position. As Sylvaniansatease suggests, I'd be VERY tempted to have a solo Easter. I really can't comprehend what makes a man want to look after his ex wife's 'new' child, my DH would NEVER have entertained that. Its all very odd indeed.

Not a chance in hell I would do this.

The child is 6 and you've being together 10 years. So he's known from birth that she has a different dad and goes to visit him.

Then suddenly he wakes up at 6 yeas old, doesn't understand and wants to stay with you for a weekend, which happens to be the Easter long weekend.

Bollocks he has. Someone can't find a babysitter and is scraping the barrel.

Tell her to do one and if her son is that heartbroken about to split up with her current partner so he can get what he wants that way

My brother lives in another country and barely sees our siblings (they have different dad to us)

And he wouldn't dream of taking them over to dads!

Here's the kids your ex wife has with another man dad, don't mind if they stay here do you, you know half sibling shit and all that.

It just wouldn't happen. Just as I wouldn't have my ex's partners kid (not his) here either.

I'm a bit late here but my two pence worth is that your dh sounds like a nice guy whereas your posts have got a bit bitter over the course of the thread...

My own dc's have different dads, and dc2 has often stayed hundreds of miles away with the family of dc1 - even though dc1's father is not around either us or his own family This started about the same age as your dsd's brother is now.

It's not a bad thing or anything to get all het up about imo.

Diffrent strokes for different folks and all that

Oh I also hosted a sleepover weekend a few weeks ago with the dc of my ex's new partner! That would make some on MN go white with fright I think

She's a nice woman, they are good kids and my dc2 really wanted it to happen - I just think she needs to lose about 15 stone and we could be great mates...

In principle it sounds like a modern, blended family kind of thing. In reality - and placing myself in that position - I can not see how it can work.

My DS has two young Dsis now - his Dad married again. I have never met them. I suppose at some point I will - at DS' 21st birthday or his wedding maybe? But it is kind of odd that he has a whole other family that we don't see.

From readin your posts OP it seems more like Ex is after a child free weekend.

my DH is a nice guy TheGirlFromIpanema. Too nice sometimes, especially when it comes to letting his ex have what she wants, mainly because he wants his DD to have the best life possible.

You are right. I am bitter about it. Not point lying about it.

I keep out of things with his ex because they are amicable and they've managed to be this way for over 5 years now. It wasn't always the way and some pretty terrible things have happened in the past and I think he mostly wants an easy life and a happy daughter.
He's being an arse to me over this situation because he's not listening to all my reservations. The way he sees it, this little boy is DD's brother.

His dad treated his half-siblings equally to him and this is the point he always makes to me. However, situation is different because his half-siblings lived with him and his dad. I pointed out that in 30+ years, he has never ever met his half-siblings dad. The response was, 'yeah, because he's a mean, bitter old man'

Lose-Lose for me.

My ex has had my DS for a sleepover with his sisters once. As a one off I think it's fine but not if it was going to be a regular thing.

I don't think your husband sounds nice at all.

He is treating you like you don't matter.

Please have a long think about whether you want to have children with such a spineless, inconsiderate wanker.

Taking a six year old hundreds of miles away from his parents to spend several days with people he doesn't know is shite.

This is all about his own self-image and ego.

Knobhead.

I think I would have said we'd consider it maybe when he's a bit older, or in the summer or something, anything, to avoid being manipulated into babysitting for his ex who clearly wants a long weekend child-free. Then see if she's so keen to suggest it again.

OP you just need to make it clear that it isn't happening again.