AIBU? DH's ex wants us to looks after her child too

[Poppy84b]

Hi, Am new to Mumnet and this is my first post.

DSD lives some 200 miles away from us so DH makes an 800 mile round trip once a month for a long weekend so she can spend time with us and his extended family.

Recently his ex has asked if we will have her little boy (with her new husband) too. He doesn't understand at the age of 6 why his sister gets to go away for weekends and has lots of cousins and he doesn't. She says it will only be the one time and he gets really upset when his sister leaves to be with us.
AIBU in thinking that this is a really weird set up?

I'd put my foot down and say it's only happening if she collects them - so does half the travelling.

Seems his ex dictates and he's happy with it, maybe it's time you did a bit of dictating too.

...also, insisting on that - if you're going to have the extra work for the weekend, she puts her hand in her pocket for half the petrol - might dissuade the requests in the future.

200 miles each way on the Easter weekend. The roads will be grim. I would insist at a minimum that the Ex either drops off or collects her children if they both come. It will certainly set a precedent for the future and hopefully will also deter her from making it a regular occurrence.
Yes it's a long weekend but they will spend a good portion of it on the roads.
I wouldn't ask your DSD but I would get your DH to sound her out. Your Mum has suggested that your brother come with you just this once. What do you think? If it's a vehement NO, then it's likely that she views him as a bratty little brother and it will be a less than peaceful weekend and one to be avoided. If she's thrilled at the idea of showing off her little brother to her cousins, then I'd encourage it.

Why is your dh having to do all of the traveling? Is the contact court ordered? My ex and I do halfway each every time why should you guys be doing it all? If it ever did go to court I think your dh would get every other weekend and shared travel.

I would insist at a minimum that the Ex either drops off or collects her children if they both come.

Even if the little boy didn't come she should still be doing half of the journey?

Ok, what about a room in a nearby travelodge sometimes for DH and DSD, again booked well in advance? At least then he could take the train or save on some of the petrol money?, yes this something we were planning to trial out every other trip. Makes more sense and as you say we save on petrol.

samlamb exactly what I have been saying to DH for months!

When DSD1&2 were younger they would on occasion ask if their half sister (K) could come with us if we were going somewhere that she might like eg. the zoo. DH may have had n acrimonious split with XW but he always took the view that it wasn't the DC's fault so we would take her if the DSD's asked.

XW might not be welcome here but K is and has been known to call in with DSD1 if she's visiting and we have taken her in and fed her while DH went looking for XW on more than one occasion when she was locked out of the house and didn't know where her mum was. (loong back story. we live right across the road from XW , not by choice)

It has been good for DSD1&2, K and my DC to know that there is a constant adult presence (us, DH's family and some of XW's family) who watch over them, but we live nearby so it's easier in terms of logistics. DSD2 has been recently diagnosed with a brain tumour (high probability that it will be cured but still) so it's been worth the hassle and resentment from XW to have all the DC's be close at such a stressful time.

Why is your dh having to do all of the traveling? Is the contact court ordered? My ex and I do halfway each every time why should you guys be doing it all? If it ever did go to court I think your dh would get every other weekend and shared travel.

not court ordered. It's a really really long story but I suspect he's so scared of her doing another disappearing act that he pretty much does what she wants him to. The amount he pays her month was mutually agreed to although I suspect it would be he would have to pay less money if the courts were involved. we currently see her about once a month, sometimes every other if my Dh's free weekend off work doesn't suit his ex (Eg Christmas) so we didn't see her from Nov til Jan.

Talk about deja vu.
My ex and the OW had a kid, she has 2 others and we have 3!

mine are pretty well not welcome in the new house and ONs are 7-8 per annum if we get lucky, holidays they do not get taken away.

This has led to a situation, where EX comes round to mine and sees the DCs, if I did not then there would be no relationship. Does he love his DCs - yes but is he a spineless mother* who does not stand up for his DCS and lets her abuse them - then yes.

In the last 5 months he now brings round their baby and one of her DCs.

I am not sure what I am supposed to say, do think or react. I take a view that this poor little baby needs to know his siblings because, hell his life is not going to be great otherwise and he will need their support in years to come. Her DC, I knew before they ahd an affair and babysat etc , how do you tell a 7 yr old that they are not welcome in a house they previously were.

I do not have an answer right or wrong - I take a deep breath and say it is for all the DCS, none of whom deserved to have such a selfish twunt as a mother or a complete spineless shite for a father. It is odd but the DCS are happy - they get to see the new baby and bond, see their step who they love dearly and their Dad - I once again, bite my tongue and think of the rewards that wait me sometime in lmy life and pray for karma!

So the boy will come once only? I think not, he'll for sure want to come more and at 6 he's old enough to understand why he can't. Sound like mum wants a long child free weekend. No, I wouldn't do it.

Also, how well does the boy know you and your dp? At six I'd not want to stay with strangers for a night, let alone a long weekend, it might seem like a good idea at the time but when bed time comes I bet that will change!

If you do it op, make sure mum is home incase she needs to come get him

OP, I really fear that if you make the mistake of doing this once, you'll find yourself being expected to do access weekends for a child that neither you nor DH are related to. It's a very slippery slope.

I agree with petal, also this is not in the best interest for the boy, it has upset and disaster written all over it

Quesera you sound like a bloody kind and compassionate person. I think those children will always have good memories of you.

OP, I suggest that you 'litmus test' the idea by proposing that you and DH have a weekend down there first of all, so that you can all spend a day with DSD's brother. That is a sensible precaution before going for a whole weekend - on dates of your choice, with your DH's ex driving part of the way. If your DH's ex kicks up a fuss about that then the idea is probably coming from her not her son.

So your DSD only sees her dad 10-12 weekends a year?

And her mum still can't explain it to her brother?

I thought he was missing his sister every weekend or something!

Sod any 'litmus testing' -tell the ex to stop being a cheeky mare, and continue with the status quo!

A friend of mine took her daughter to visit her half-siblings house as she was so curious about it when they talked about it during their time with their dad. But that was only a couple of hours' drive away, she went for a day with her mum, and the relationship between the mums is pretty cordial. I'm not sure a whole weekend with strangers would be easy for any child, particularly as they can't easily go home if homesickness strikes.

I will be really interested to hear how you actually do handle this Poppy, and if you agree to do it, how it works out!

I think that if you/your DH don't know the child, or have a favour-doing, give-and-take relationship with his ex, it is a bit weird yes.

DP and I have looked after DSS's half sister along with DSS on the odd occasion, ranging from a couple of hours to a weekend. But there has always been good reason, generally to do with complicated after-pickup logistics or family emergencies. In any case we see DSS's little sister regularly anyway and really like her, plus have an easygoing relationship with ex. So for us, this kind of thing is not weird.

I am also conscious of the fact that ex, looking after DSS every week whereas we only have EOweekend, sorts out the lion's share of childcare even though she works full time, which is quite complicated. So I am happy to do childcare favours for her wherever possible.

I know DSS's little sister wants to come with him to us more often, but both sides explain to him why he comes and she doesn't. I think that is important too, really.

I would not do it. Your DP really needs to open his eyes on this issue. Including the boy on the odd trip out when your DP goes to stay would be reasonable, this request is not.

Bollocks to that.

It wouldn't be a one off, and it's basically a cop out for her to off load her dc to you and your dh, so she can have a weekend off once in a while.

I've been thinking about this again.

Why would her other child be interested in meeting a couple of adults? If you had a few children ranging from 6 to 13 and your step daughter loved visiting them, then I can understand the six year old wanting to visit too, to play with the 6 year old.

But in this case the six year old would simply be with other adults and his sister. He'd have far more fun at home with his own toys and his friends nearby.

She is trying to use your husband and you for free childcare. Tell her to sod off.