'Mummy'

[SalfordM7]

My step-child was sent this email today by her mother and I want to know if it is reasonable. To put it in context, we are a conservative family where calling parents by their first name is unthinkable and other adults are either known as 'Mr / Mrs' or 'Auntie / Uncle'. That is our lifestyle choice and should not be the focus of your response:

......you have still been calling your step-mother 'mummy'.

I have already dealt with your younger brother as I saw a chat he was having with his father, where he refers to her as 'mummy', which she is not, and will never be, and when you return home, I'll deal with you, because I was under the impression that you understood how wrong it is for you to call anyone else, but me, 'mummy'. So, we'll be chatting about this after school.

It's really off for them to call you mummy.

You should be helping the children by finding another, acceptable honorific for yourself, rather than using them as a pawns in a power struggle with their actual mummy.

You are being insensitive and self centred in this situation.

are communications between you good enough *

There's been plenty of serious comments Dino. But we have an OP who is here not to really, really garner opinion so much as attempt to control it.

Forget there's a person who really doesn't like her child calling OP mummy, as long as the community is happy the jobs a good'un.

The nature of this community is irrelevant. These children's progression to calling a stranger, at the time, Mummy is not right.

The majority here agree with that. Bet I'll bet my house the OP, a qualified and noted child dev expert, won't act to come up with a suitable alternative eg Stepmother.

ahem

If this is specific to your community, then don't you have a community leader to ask this sort of question of? We won't know the answer that is acceptable within your community, but there must be some sort of respected leader who can give you an answer acceptable to all parties.

I think your husband, the children and the children's mother need to talk this one through. She is perfectly reasonable in not wanting anyone else to be called Mummy. I agree with Enb, it only becomes reasonable if she is dead, NC, or they have been adopted by you.

MonstrousRatbag has given you the best advice:

...don't insist on a title to the children's disadvantage. Be the person who puts them first, and protects them from harm. Much more important than what you get called.

yes, yes, yes!

The email from the mother is a bit ...sinister.

My DS has a stepmum. He calls her by her first name, but really, he can call her what he likes, and if that's "mum" it's up to him. She has a different language as her mother tongue, so if he wanted to call her "mum" in that language, it'd be fine, too.

I, too, would like to know what the OP had suggested the DSD call her right at the start of the relationship.

OP, perhaps you could give those of us who have suggested that you find an alternative name the courtesy of a reply?

Personally, I think it's a bit bloody weird that a mother is email her child ahead of her return threatening that she will be dealt with as her sibling has already been dealt with.

Way to make her feel comfortable.

Isn't there a large Orthodox Jewish Community in Salford? Could this be the community that the op is referring to?

I do t think people should be saying "cults" are weird, may be different to what you are use to but wouldn't cause negativity or make someone feel bad. Sorry you are getting a rough time on here op

Steppy?!

Donna :)

Mimi?

Mutti (German)?

Mammi (Hindi)

Mameleh (Yiddish)

and so on ...

careful now Blathers....

some of these responses are very sneery (Sunny if you meant to ask if the OP was an ultra-orthodox Jew, then why not come out and say it, instead of implying that she's some kind of idiot for not knowing that Stamford Hill is know for it's ultra-orthodox Jewish community?).

I would be interested to know the context in which the OP's stepDC 'chose' to call her mummy, for instance how their father referred to her to them before they met. I'm not sure how free a choice it really was.

But - their mother doesn't sound any great shakes (though of course we only have one side of the story), and the tone and wording of her email are extremely unpleasant. Yes, she is their birth mother but it's not beyond the realms of possibility that the OP is actually more of a mother to them than she is.

A solution? I don't know. I think this is one where the conversation needs to happen between the OP's DH, his XW and their DC, and that the OP should stay out of it for the moment. Presumably her community is her DH's too (and the XW's and DC's as well?), so the conventions are known to him.

Arf @ Carol Brady

I would HATE for the DC to call anyone other than me "Mummy".

Equally I would find it weird if anyone other than my own DC called me that.

How about Mother or Ma or Mama?

" instead of implying that she's some kind of idiot" just wtf? I implied nothing of the kind. If that is what you inferred let me assure you you are quite wrong.

Archery it's sounds great. But what if you weren't happy with the situation, and you asked nicely and reasonably, that the SM should be called something else. Would you hope the SM would respect your wishes and call herself something else and encourage the kids to do likewise?

A primary school friend of mine called her stepmother Barbar. No idea if the woman's name was actually Barbara, but I thought it was the usual term for stepmothers and was a tad confused when Barbar the elephant came along

There's also variations on Moomin, which tend to be Nordic.

But ultra-orthodox Jews do not divorce. Ever. Do they?