'Mummy'

[SalfordM7]

My step-child was sent this email today by her mother and I want to know if it is reasonable. To put it in context, we are a conservative family where calling parents by their first name is unthinkable and other adults are either known as 'Mr / Mrs' or 'Auntie / Uncle'. That is our lifestyle choice and should not be the focus of your response:

......you have still been calling your step-mother 'mummy'.

I have already dealt with your younger brother as I saw a chat he was having with his father, where he refers to her as 'mummy', which she is not, and will never be, and when you return home, I'll deal with you, because I was under the impression that you understood how wrong it is for you to call anyone else, but me, 'mummy'. So, we'll be chatting about this after school.

When they chose to call you that did you gently correct them and tell them they already have a mummy?

I think when they chose it, you should have suggested something else.

The email, your DH being resident parent and a complicated custody scenario does suggest that there is a lot of backstory here and all of you need to be careful not to take out adult issues on the step children.

Well you need to tell them they are not to call you Mummy. You are not their Mummy.

It's like me calling my best friend Grandfather!

Wow.

You are not her mum so I hope the children have not been asked to call you Mummy.

You're not her parent so you're not Mum or Dad. You're not her aunt so you're not auntie Salford. I guess that leaves you as Mrs M7 then.

You really should just let them call your Salford though.

The wording of the email seems quite harsh, but I suspect that's a measure of how hurt this woman is that her children are calling another person "mummy". Frankly I don't blame her.

If you've encouraged that in any way OP then I think you are wrong and should be quickly re-thinking your approach. In your naming hierarchy that makes you "step-mother".

That's awful, you should in no way be encouraging children to call you mummy. They are not your children, you did not carry them for 9 months or give birth to them and then you wonder why their mother is annoyed?! Seriously it is extremely disrespectful to their mother to call another woman mummy when they already have a perfectedly acceptable mum.

The email sounds severe and quite unpleasant. What does she mean by "I will deal with you"?

I sort of agree that the children shouldn't be calling you mummy, though I know my dd's best friend has been calling her mum's boyfriend "dad" since a couple of months after they started dating. This is her third "dad".

Absolutely Agee with the mother. Th children should not be calling you mummy. You are not their mother. You never were and never will be. Asking them to call you Mummy is odd.

I agree that SMs should have a different name other than Mummy. So what do other people do?

I call my SF by his first name (e.g. David) but my children call him Grandpa. It started off with them calling him Grandpa David, but the David part has gradually been dropped.

Going back. When you were first introduced what did they call you then? You couldn't feasibly have been mummy from day 1. Why couldn't you have stuck to that or given them a range of suitable choices, excluding mummy, to pick from.

Gosh, poor dc, having to deal with two such intransigent women in their lives. They're damned if they do, and damned if they don't.

If you can't bear them to call you by your first name, then it'll have to be auntie. I think 'mummy' should be reserved for.....well, mummy.

I wouldn't appreciate my DD calling her step mother 'Mummy' but if the email above is verbatim, it is not a nice way to communicate to a a child. How is she proposing to 'deal with her' when she gets home...hardly conducive to a meaningful dialogue. I don't know how old your step daughter is but even so..

In her place I would be approaching YOU and the childrens father to ensure that the children are guided appropriately and have a suitable name to call you that is not Mummy as you are most certainly not that

The message is badly worded but she's right, you are not and never will be their Mummy and it is very, very wrong for them to call you that.

The woman may be hurt, I still don't think this is a reason to take it out on her own child.

If you want to be called Mummy, you have to behave like one. Sending that email to a child is not the actions of a Mummy.

Ah, I see she is 11 - so still horrible horrible email but she has a point in respect of her parental role being that of Mum and yours not. Your step child will need your support here, she is between a rock and a hard place. I suggest that you and your husband come up with a viable compromise for the children - they will need you in the face of their mothers disapproval

Also why did you read a private email from her mother?

Given the "international" nature of the divorce is it possible English isn't their Mummy's first language, hence the turn of phrase?

but she IS their mother Kundry!
Should we all be stripped of the title for not being perfect then?

Ok I'm going to go against the grain here and say if the children chose to call you mum that's ok. If you or your so encouraged them that is not ok.
I've seen threads on here and am a parent of children with a step parent and a step mum that point out if a child chooses mum or dad they should be allowed to. My older dc call their step dad daddy. It started when ds2 came along. My ex although a knob is also a grown up and understood this progression. I also wouldn't be devastated if the dc called their stepmum mum. I know I'm their mum. I know I always will be.

Seriously it's not up to the stepmother how the mother disclipines her children. I felt the email was firm but showed how the mother felt about the situation. This is a 11 year old who will now know they will be in for a serious chat when they get home. Nothing more nothing less. You are concentrating on I will deal with you but that could mean anything. Surely the main point of the message is to show the children should not be calling their stepmother mummy!

As a stepmum to 2 DSS that insist on calling their stepdad "dad" despite my DP playing an active part in their lives and seeing that it seriously hurts him I think YABVVU. I am called by my real name by the boys and I'd hate for them to call me mum. It's not fair or respectful.

You don't have to be perfect but you do have to think generally about the needs of the child.

youmake, I agree with you. It doesn't sound as though the OP encouraged the children to call her 'Mummy'.

And their mother's message is VERY harsh. If I were 11 and had got that from one of my parents I'd have been very scared and intimidated. Those feelings would have made me behave in a way very much not conducive to a helpful conversation when I got home to be 'dealt with'. I really don't think her message is constructive.

personally I think a child needs to be sure exactly who their mother is tbh