'Mummy'

[SalfordM7]

My step-child was sent this email today by her mother and I want to know if it is reasonable. To put it in context, we are a conservative family where calling parents by their first name is unthinkable and other adults are either known as 'Mr / Mrs' or 'Auntie / Uncle'. That is our lifestyle choice and should not be the focus of your response:

......you have still been calling your step-mother 'mummy'.

I have already dealt with your younger brother as I saw a chat he was having with his father, where he refers to her as 'mummy', which she is not, and will never be, and when you return home, I'll deal with you, because I was under the impression that you understood how wrong it is for you to call anyone else, but me, 'mummy'. So, we'll be chatting about this after school.

TidyDancer . . . Thank you! As said previously, I would not be adverse to Auntie but the children want to call me Mummy. As stated above, I wasn't even there when the comment was made that led to the email in question. It is just how the kids refer to me.

it has to be a religious community. possibly even a cult.

I wonder what they told the community about these children who come and stay from time to time, given that divorce is not accepted n all.

I suspect the daddy in this scenario said to the kids "you're going to have a new mummy," and hence they called her that.

And then they all got chatting over the telephone how nice. Before the wedding.... presumably the op didn't meet the kids until after the wedding because living together would have been frowned upon in the community too y'know.

EatShitDerek ... the children lived with their father at the time after his divorce, so he didn't have to call up anyone.

How did you introduce yourself to them when you first met, OP? Or how did your husband introduce you to them?

I can see your point of view, but I can absolutely also see the children's mother's, and I'm amazed you can't empathise with her situation. From your description she sounds like she has many issues, but at the end of the day she is their mother. And yes, it must hurt like hell to have your kids use that title for another woman, no matter how bad your own reaction to that hurt is.

I'm surprised you can't see that, and are helping an 11yo to understand why her mother is upset and might be reacting in the way she has. Because of your education, and all.

right....well now we have the full story (would have been useful if you'd given us a bit of the history of the situation), I would suggest that you, the mother, your husband and the children sit together and decide what you should be called.

You can all write the names you do like, the names you don't like on paper, then read the lists one by one and try to come to an agreement. I am sure there is a term you are all happy with.

"Perhaps you should leave the thread and give me a break." this is an open forum op. you have come here defending your lifestyle, insisting you are right even though pretty much the whole thread has disagreed with you, and thrown your "qualifications" in for good measure to back up your point.

I appreciate that you live in a very closed minded community but the reality is that the real world does not think like this. Perhaps you should visit the relationships boards where they will advise you how to get out of such an oppressive situation...?

...and if the 11 yo is terrified of her Mother and SS have already been involved at some point, maybe the focus should be on their relationship with their Mother rather than what they are calling you.

Here we go

Normally I would say it's outrageous for a child to be calling someone else mummy when her natural mother is still very much in her life, - but from what you have described your situation is far from standard.

The child has chosen to call you mummy, she is happy with it, it fits in with your surrounding lifestyle, BUT it upsets her mother.

So it needs to be handled delicately.

It's good that your stepdaughter has been open with you about this, you and her father can have a conversation with her about it. Could you explain to her that as it is upsetting her mother we need to get our heads together to come up with a solution, - and see if she has any suggestions? I'm not saying put the problem on her shoulders, I'm sure she doesn't like to know she's upsetting her mother, but perhaps you'll get more of a sense of how she feels about it, and what she feels comfortable with.

'Mo' Better Step'

A friend of mine refers to his mum as Mummio (equivalent of Daddio), which always makes me giggle.

Surely as a recognised parenting expert you would know that the way to deal with most conflict is through communication. So you sit down with the children and say "Look, your mum really gets upset and feels hurt when you call me mummy - so shall we have a little think about another name we could use for me?"

It's hardly rocket science.

I agree with Wannabe and call BS.

So from Day 1, and how is that even constituted BTW, without even knowing you at all a bunch of kids started calling you Mummy?

Are you Carol Brady OP?

Hold on, is it absolutely necessary to be taking the piss quite so much?

I get that the OP is living in a community/lifestyle, whatever that sounds alien to most of us, but doesn't she get to have some reasonable discussion on this?

Derek I used to watch ER and could diagnose an ectopic pregnancy from the minute the gurney got pushed in. Doesn't mean I could operate even though I'd look awesome in scrubs.

My point here OP, before you high horse your actual qualifications is it's easy to talk the talk.

Does their mother also live in your community and have the same expectations of address? If so, what does she expect her children to call you?

salford I really don't think in your circumstances that there is anything to worry about re your step dc calling you mummy, it is their choice to do so. If you feel that a compromise needs to be met then how about the name 2mum?

One of my dc call their step father, dad

I am very pleased for your sdc that they feel such love towards you , you must be doing something right!

I think their mother is right. So long as she has a relationship with them they should not be calling anyone but her Mummy.

If you cannot bear for them to call you by your first name (slightly ridiculous, but anyway) then let them call you Mrs Whatever, or Auntie. It might be a bit weird but at least it is not inappropriate, like them calling you Mummy. the mother's reaction sounds a bit hardline but I think she has a right to insist that their only 'Mummy' is her.

To the pp who said she isn't mummy because she didn't carry them for 9 months or give birth to them, what to you suggest happens in the case of adoption, or surrogacy, or other non-biological child? An adoptive mother isn't mummy because she didn't give birth?

Personally I think a mother is the person who mothers and parents you, regardless of birth. If the child feels that they want to call an adult mother figure mummy, and feels they have that relationship, wouldn't constantly reminding them you're not their mother feel almost like rejection to the child?

There are plenty of children with absent dads that choose to call their stepfathers "dad", if they've been more of a parent than their own biological parent ever has. That's not such a big deal though, is it? It could well be the same here. There's a thread somewhere also about adults calling pil mum or dad, in some cases the person felt it was a good thing.

O/p you've posed a pretty unanswerable question as we don't know you, or anything about your relationship, or the biological parents relationship, with the child.

dino, the op states that the children called her mummy before they met. she states that they didn't meet until she and the dh were to marry but spoke on the phone so that was ok. She states that was there choice and has thrown some psychology and parenting expert qualifications into the mix for good measure.

Now I am not a psychologist, and even I can see that if a child I had never met suddenly decided I should be called mummy there would be something very, very wrong with that. yet the op in all her parenting expertees has decided that this is perfectly normal - it really isn't.

I'm also in favour of another name for you - auntie might feel weird, but how about mama, mater (if you like old-fashioned), or something made up between you?

Also, are communications between you and their mother to discuss which term would be acceptable to everyone including DC?

"I will deal with you" sounds a bit harsh. Sorry to hear your views are also as - erm, stringent - but I do hope you will resolve this easily. Good luck!