'Mummy'

[SalfordM7]

My step-child was sent this email today by her mother and I want to know if it is reasonable. To put it in context, we are a conservative family where calling parents by their first name is unthinkable and other adults are either known as 'Mr / Mrs' or 'Auntie / Uncle'. That is our lifestyle choice and should not be the focus of your response:

......you have still been calling your step-mother 'mummy'.

I have already dealt with your younger brother as I saw a chat he was having with his father, where he refers to her as 'mummy', which she is not, and will never be, and when you return home, I'll deal with you, because I was under the impression that you understood how wrong it is for you to call anyone else, but me, 'mummy'. So, we'll be chatting about this after school.

ijustwanttobeme I find that incredibly sad. It's your right, of course, not to want to be called something that doesn't fit right with your view of your relationship, but I'm sad for your daughter that you didn't want it. As I've said upthread, I've known a little girl who was desperate for someone reliable and loving she could call "mum", despite having a living mother.

I call (and have always called) my step parents by their first name, but my children call them Grandma and Grandad.

It's interesting because I call my half sister my sister (drop the half) yet I refer to my stepmum (her mum) as her first name, so I'll say "Dad and first name or dad and your mum" when talking to her.

I'm pretty sure this post makes little or no sense.

Also, my step dad is happy to call me his daughter, yet is not comfy with the idea that he might be called my dad. Maybe because he doesn't have any biological children, but I do have a biological father.

*It's interesting because I call my half sister my sister (drop the half) yet I refer to my stepmum (her mum) as her first name, so I'll say "Dad and first name or dad and your mum" when talking to her.

I'm pretty sure this post makes little or no sense. grin*

Perfect sense. I'm exactly the same with my (half) brothers/sisters. I've never used half.

I don't think children can be said to be making their own choices unless they understand the full implications of those choices. IMO, 11 is FAR too young to be allowed/encouraged to make this kind of decision, with all the potential for hurt, particularly in what is clearly a high-conflict situation. The idea that the DC wanted to call a stranger 'mummy' should have been seen as a symptom of the anxiety and problems the break-up, court case and other traumas had created, and I'm stunned an expert would not have seen it as such. And as a resident step-mother, your duty and responsibility to protect these DC from further conflict should have meant that you found a suitable honorific immediately.

LadyFlumpalot possibly that works because a father can have many children, so calling one woman "daughter" doesn't take away from any other daughters he may have, but the expectation is that a child will have only one father (even if this is often not the case).

They chose to call you mummy? Well then you correct them. You're not their mummy! Simple

The fact that their mother is upset by them calling you 'Mummy' and your DSD seems to be getting upset by her reaction then I would suggest you having a chat with her about her mothers reaction. If she knows you have read the email she will be expecting you to talk to her about it.

Ask her if she would rather call you something else, would that make her relationship with her mother easier. If it would, and maybe by saying you could see the email she was hoping that this could be addressed. Then look at an alternative with her. Would Auntie Mummy be an alternative?

I think this little girl's relationship with her mother is important, and if it has been difficult then anything you can do to make it better would be a benefit to her.

Salford your DH needs to be dealing with this, if you are quoting directly from the email then I would would be very worried about the 'dealing with' but I suspect the mother is abroad and their may be cultural differences.

You are not their mummy and should not be referred to as such nor should you have encouraged it. Does your conservative background have an alternative term on endearment you could use. If there are two languages spoke in your household there maybe a suitable option there.

I have a long term and very close relationship with my step-father, I call him by a pet name that is polite and means a great deal to us both.

I think it's except able them calling you mummy. As long as the DC understand you are not their biological mummy and they seem old enough to understand that. My dsd has called me mom for years. Her biological mother has no problem with this either. My DSD's mom actually told my DSD it was ok to call me mom because in our household I am the mother figure so it is acceptable for me to be called mom. My DC refer to my DH as dad also. My dcs biological father doesn't have a problem with this either. (Actually both my DSDs refer to me as mom, both biological mothers don't have a problem with it. But I was referring to my younger DSD's mom above.). My DSD used to call me Ms. Heather when my DH were first together.

Irrespective of international custody battles, personal choices, etc. 'Mummy' is inappropriate. Why do you want them to call you 'mummy'?

If you're still out there OP, it's too late now to prevent this issue arising, the focus is what do you do next.

Yes the children's choice may be to call you mummy, but if their mother is expressing clearly that she is unhappy with this and doesn't want them to do it, I don't see you have much choice but to support her decision and talk with the children about it being time to find a new name for you. To let this go on now is actively undermining their mother in front of them. Even worse, the children are going home to their mother being angry with them about it, and it sounds, reading between the lines of your posts, you have some concerns about them when they're there already.

Practically, you're down to auntie or a chosen nickname if your name isn't going to be appropriate. As a parenting expert and psychologist I would be interested in your view on preserving appearances in a community by giving the illusion of not being a blended family, rather than supporting your children in living openly and confidently with the relationships they have and the reality of their lives? What messages do you feel they might be internalising from this?

MN really is getting extraordinarily unpleasant in many respects. I've read so many threads lately with OPs asking for advice and the response from a number of posters seems to be - very deliberately - to tear them to shreds. And why the obsession with trying to find out exactly which community OP is from?

Presumably to hone the derision, bob.

This conversation makes me so sad. I'm a step mum to 2 kids and mum to 1 and my youngest (18 months) has started calling me "meena" as in, Amanda.

How many of you mothers out there would happily swallow your own advice of 'suck it up' if it was your biological child calling you by your first name because that's what they heard everyone else calling you.

I can't begin to explain how much it hurts.

I have taken on someone elses children and lived by the society rules of "there is only 1 mummy" and it has done me no favours. I would urge you self righteous "mummies" out there to remember it takes more than giving birth to make a mummy.

I am guessing that all of you are 100% sure that neither you nor your partner or husband will ever die, divorce or remarry and that this will never happen to you.

I came to this site looking for advice and support. Clearly, as a step mum, I wont find it here. I'll look elsewhere.

This conversation makes me so sad. I'm a step mum to 2 kids and mum to 1 and my youngest (18 months) has started calling me "meena" as in, Amanda.

That could be an age thing. 18 months is still really young to understand any sort of family dynamics. Keep reiterating that you are Mum and I'm sure it'll be fine.

How many of you mothers out there would happily swallow your own advice of 'suck it up' if it was your biological child calling you by your first name because that's what they heard everyone else calling you.

My DC sometimes like to call me Jorgie to wind me up. They laugh as they call me it. I just take it with a pinch of salt and again just say "I'm not Jorgie, I'm Mum to you." And that's coming from kids in from pre-school to teens.

jorgie is right, you know. DS2 is 27mo and has started calling his Dad by his first name, and sometimes me by mine, because he hears us calling each other by our first names (and thinks he is King of the Household). So like Jorgie, we just say "that's Daddy/Mummy to you, child!"

Well, without wishing to sound self righteous, it isn't only in step families that young children pick up and use their parents first names, they hear us addressing each other by them, our extended families and friends using them too. Mine have both had spells of doing it. Although it feels a bit weird, I don't really object, why shouldn't they call me the same as everyone else does? I've never asked them not to, but I always refer to DH as Dad when talking to the DCs and he does the same and Mum and Dad always come into use again.

amanda16
most kids do this at some point. its a stage. mine did it. i dont have any stepkids. they just hear other people use your name. you can keep referring to yourself as the title you want 'shall mummy help you put your shoes on' - bit like op should have done but in reverse

I actually did post up thread an example of where a young mum had died and the upset it still caused.

*my youngest (18 months) has started calling me "meena" as in, Amanda.

I have taken on someone elses children and lived by the society rules of "there is only 1 mummy" and it has done me no favours. I would urge you self righteous "mummies" out there to remember it takes more than giving birth to make a mummy.*

If its any consolation, I was a toddler in a preschool where my DM worked and referred to her for some months as Mrs Rumble because that was what I heard her being called.... should she not have worked in the preschool? A few explanations and reminders that I had a different name for her worked fine. It will for your LO too.

Do you feel it should be an option for all step children to call their step mother mum even when their mother feels strongly that she is not ok with this? Or that mums - who often have an immensely hard time with the idea of their children being cared for by a step parent, never envisaged a life where this would happen but just have to hand their kids over and deal - have no right to say if they are unhappy that so precious, personal name for their relationship is being shared with another woman whether they're willing or not?

My kids often use my first name, I don't mind at all. I call my parents by their first names too.

Wow, some of the responses here to SalfordM7 have been quite insensitive. I'm a Step-Mom in a situation where the children were removed from the birth mother- like salfordM7 no I was not the "other woman" and my DH did not seek to take them away from their mother, social services did. I actually had conversations with DS 9 and 10 when they were younger and we agreed that it was confusing to call me "mummy". My eldest ( and I think of her as my own) and I had the deepest conversation and I was at pains to point out how hurtful it would be to her mother if she did call me "mummy". Given that they see their Mom in supervised contacts for a few hours each week- they spend much more time with me but have maintained that link with her. However, she does not communicate with us or social services and does not get involved in their lives. I will not go into the reasons or make any harsh judgement about her- I feel only sadness that she and the children have had to experience this separation even if she is at fault.

SalfordM7, I understand your concerns. It is a difficult position, live-in Stepmom. There is no easy answer. However I suggest that you find an affectionate and appropriate name for your children to call you which is acceptable to your community- whatever that may be.

I can understand why their birth mother may feel strongly about the children referring to you as mummy. As I am very close with my step children I often experience strong feelings of frustration and hurt when people treat me as "not their real mum" especially given that they are of a different race and clearly not my biological children. On a recent holiday I had to argue with a member of hotel staff to get them out of a kids club because he had assumed that some other guest who we had made friends with was their mother because she looked more like them than I did. Thankfully as soon as the hotel staff and others saw them approach me our relationship was clear. You do not need to be called "mummy" to be important to them. My step-children if asked "where is your mum" will naturally point to me as this is easier but there is no confusion when they are asked to explain who I am. Be considerate of bio- mum's feelings even if her reaction is somewhat harsh, try to be the grown up and support your step-children through what must be a confusing time.

As to those biological mum's who responded so harshly stating that SalfordM7 "is Not their mummy" who are you to make that judgement? They are both mothers. I take nothing away from my children's biological mother, but I care for them, comfort them, raise them and love them-I chose not to be called "mummy" for their sake and for hers. I do that for the love of my kids and empathy with another human being but I AM A MOTHER.

I agree with bacchanalwoman as a step parent and a parent, I parent both children equally. My DSS's mother is on the scene, and though he does not call me Mummy, on occasion he has referred to me as his 'second mum'. We are on first name basis, but as the OP pointed out, this is unacceptable in their lifestyle. I am saddened to read so many judgemental comments about how they chose to live their lives. Only one or two generations ago, it was disrespectful to address an adult on first term basis! Yes, there may be untold parenting issues here, but we as a forum are not here to pick apart this woman lifestyle. My DH calls his stepdad 'dad'. A possible way to approach this situation is to think about the children. Is there something similar you can be referred to instead of Mummy? Indian dialects sometimes use Mai, Portuguese may say Mae? This is close enough for the child to swap to, and hopefully still socially acceptable. Unless the mother is from either of these cultures, would these offend her still? Good luck, it seems you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't!

Firstly I think that email to an 11year old was stupid, there are better ways of addressing the problem, and a discussion with the children's dad would have been my first choice. But, no she shouldn't be calling you mummy, you don't say if you have any children yourself but, if you haven't I can assure you that it would upset you to hear them calling any other woman mummy!