'Mummy'

[SalfordM7]

My step-child was sent this email today by her mother and I want to know if it is reasonable. To put it in context, we are a conservative family where calling parents by their first name is unthinkable and other adults are either known as 'Mr / Mrs' or 'Auntie / Uncle'. That is our lifestyle choice and should not be the focus of your response:

......you have still been calling your step-mother 'mummy'.

I have already dealt with your younger brother as I saw a chat he was having with his father, where he refers to her as 'mummy', which she is not, and will never be, and when you return home, I'll deal with you, because I was under the impression that you understood how wrong it is for you to call anyone else, but me, 'mummy'. So, we'll be chatting about this after school.

CrispieFern ... Thank you

Whatsonemore ... Thank you

I only have a first-class honours degree in psychotherapy and am a recognised parenting expert

Heard it all now! In which chapter did it direct you to an internet forum for parenting advice?!

I do try not to be judgemental on these threads but just wow.

Whatsonemore . . . See my earlier comment. The children knew about me from day 1 and I spoke to them on the phone from time-to-time but I didn't meet them in person until we decided that marriage was the most likely outcome.

SunnyBaudelaire Salford M7 is in Manchester but what is the point you are trying to make?

Mrs Headupyourownarse?

CLJ52 ... in the human chapter where I thought it might be helpful to see what other people thought because I don't it all and, when it is your own situation, it is harder to have clarity of mind.

When my dss was very little he would call me mum but we would correct him every time
' no not mum, xxxx'

He calls me by my first name now but a shortened version that just our family use

i just meant that the community where you live sounds very closed off from what you said about how you wanted your stepchildren to call you mummy because there was no divorce in your community. or something.
I know where Salford is, thanks.

Btw. If your husband had adopted your DC's then he's not their step-father. Totally different situation.

yes sunny I had no idea Salford was that backward thinking.

CinnabarRed ...
TheJingleMumsRush ...

Thank you for some pragmatic advice. I would be comfortable with Auntie but the children are not comfortable calling me anything other than Mummy. This has all come from them. I have 4 children of my own and don't need the accolade of other children calling me mummy but it is what they want to do.

You know when you have to bring your qualifications into it you are losing a thread

Gosh. I wouldn't be happy with this situation at all. I think there is a lot of silliness here and that the suggestion of them not using your first name is quite laughable really. It would be your first name in the home and they could call you their step-mum outside of the home. That is reasonable and acceptable to most people in most situations. 'Mummy' is wildly inappropriate, confusing and disrespectful. For someone so concerned with how they appear in their community, I would think that would be of some concern to you. I have to be honest, it really does sound like you want to erase their mother, at least for appearances sake. You have gone to some lengths to rubbish her on this thread and it sounds like you are more concerned with how things look to others and so-called respect than you are about what could be right.

What is your suggested resolution?

I am curious about this community.

Religious community I guess?

Anyway, it was wrong for you and your DP to make the kids call you "mummy" straight away.

It is as if you are trying to erase the kids' past and real mum.

Well if that's what the children are comfortable and most happy with I would go with that. It's them after all who matter the most.

WannaBe ...
SunnyBaudelaire ...

I don't appreciate your aggresive and / or mocking tones and I don't think it's fair. Perhaps you should leave the thread and give me a break

They clearly can't call you Mrs X, or Auntie X, and you're not their mum so shouldn't be called it. It's all very well to have family rules on not calling adults by their first names, but really, you can't possibly make an exception so that they can call you by yours? I don't know what religion you belong to that has made these rules, but I wouldn't be able to put up with it.

OP, while I get how it came about, I think it is understandable for a birth parent to object to a step-parent being addressed as Mummy or Daddy, but not to intimidate the children over it. One would hope their mother would be more understanding of the children's position here. If she isn't, then frankly I'd want to save them from being piggy-in-the-middle by picking another name. It just isn't worth putting them in the firing line with their mother, especially if she is unreasonable.

You could have some fun with what you get to be called-'Ma'am', 'Mo' Better Step', 'Big Mama' all sorts (though I'm guessing what with the conservative family thing, that might not be your cup of tea). My mother was know as 'She-Ra, Princess of Power' by us for quite a while in the 80s, and revelled in it.

Anyway, my point is, don't insist on a title to the children's disadvantage. Be the person who puts them first, and protects them from harm. Much more important than what you get called.

I have NOT been 'aggressive and mocking' thanks!! I just suggested that you must live in a very old fashioned closed minded community!

What advice are you after? I'm a bit confused.