'Mummy'

[SalfordM7]

My step-child was sent this email today by her mother and I want to know if it is reasonable. To put it in context, we are a conservative family where calling parents by their first name is unthinkable and other adults are either known as 'Mr / Mrs' or 'Auntie / Uncle'. That is our lifestyle choice and should not be the focus of your response:

......you have still been calling your step-mother 'mummy'.

I have already dealt with your younger brother as I saw a chat he was having with his father, where he refers to her as 'mummy', which she is not, and will never be, and when you return home, I'll deal with you, because I was under the impression that you understood how wrong it is for you to call anyone else, but me, 'mummy'. So, we'll be chatting about this after school.

Do eleven year olds still say mummy? Genuine question, I thought it'd have been mum by now.

I think personally calling someone mummy who isn't your mother is a bit odd.

why are you reading your sd's emails from her mother? I'm not surprised she's pissed off, first you let her children call you mummy and now you're reading her emails to her children.

you have no business reading your sd's private emails. none. If she needs to be kept safe this needs to be done by her parents. you are way out of line on so many levels here.

I so agree wannabe - reading an 11 year old's private emails from her mother? just WTF?

I think it depends how the child feels to be honest.
If it makes her feel like she is part of a secure family unit then surely her mother should suck it up?
Families are complicated and if her mum isn't very maternal and her step mother is then maybe she feels it's more appropriate.
People can have 2 mums (adoption/separation/same sex couples?!)
Maybe think about why the girl wants to call her that and support her.
A this focus on 'only 1 mum' sounds more for the benefit of the mother than the child. It's a label really

That is our lifestyle choice and should not be the focus of your response

Oh yes Koala and my "lifestyle choice" is to make everyone I meet call me Queen of the World.

Maybe the ops dsd showed her the email. Nowhere does it say she sneakily looked at it.

Yes, Koala, that tone was not lost on me, either!

This is obviously a tiny, tiny part of a much bigger picture and it's unlikely we'll get more than one side of the story.

There's a world of difference between children feeling that a woman in their dad's life who they have known for some time and is everything they want in a "mummy" and asking two young children on first meeting whether they would prefer to refer to said woman as Mrs Ponsonby-Smythe-Buckswallop or mummy.

We'll never know.

well no but it is implicit in the message, if the message was sent this morning and read by SM the same morning, when DSD is at school?
Someone's a bit insecure and nosy!

I am certainly not their biological mother but I am a mother to them and my children call my husband 'Daddy' because he is a father to them.

as a 'mother' perhaps stop snooping into your SD's emails then

No, your children call your husband Daddy because he is their Dad, not like a Dad to them.

Whoops. a Dad to them.

Sorry I agree with the others. If she is in contact with her mum and sees her then she is mum. You are her step mum - an extension of the family but not mum. You may not want her to call you by your name but there are several other variations of a pet name they could call you. Does it really have to be Mummy? How confusing when she's in contact with Mum.

I have a step dad who has been in my life since the age of 2. He's been there over 2 decades. I simply call him by his name or in conversations with others I will say step dad. I've spent more time with him than my bio dad. Yet his not my "dad."

I have a dad. But I'm also fortunate enough to have a step dad.

How much time do the dsc spend with you op?

If there is no mother figure in a child's life and the children have been brought up by a stepparent from a very young age I can see why they might call that stepparent mummy, or daddy if it was a man. But to encourage children who have a mother who is actively involved in their lives to call you mummy is not on at all. Because the reality is you are not and never will be their mother. If their father died you would have no role in their lives, similarly if you divorced, unless they chose to, but you have no rights.

And reading your stepdaughter's emails is completely out of order. in fact I would say that even for your dh to read her emails from her mother is out of order. I would check my child's emails/texts if I thought they were in trouble/being bullied etc, but I wouldn't read emails/texts from his dad, and likewise I wouldn't expect his dad to read texts etc from me.

First, I didn't snoop on anyone's emails. It was forwarded to me. The child is terrified of the mother.
Second, the children chose to call me Mummy. I never asked them do. They were calling me 'Mummy' before I'd even met them.

In fact, the instance that gave rise to this email from the mother reproduced verbatim above, took place in my absence. The children think of me as one of their Mummies and that is how the child referred to me. They know I am not their birth mother but they feel I am a mother to them.

QueenMartha ... My children call my husband (their step-father) Daddy.

They were calling me Mummy before I'd even met them [shocked]

I simply cannot understand in what circumstances that this would happen. how did that happen?

Oh, I see. My apologies.

forwarded by whom? the dad who is snooping?
drip drip
oh so they are 'terrified' of her now then? and what are you doing about that then?

But you and your partner should have been correcting them when they've called you mummy from the start. Their mum is in their lives.

terrified of the mother

Nice...she is their mother. Of the mother sounds very hostile.

"Second, the children chose to call me Mummy. I never asked them do." so who did ask them to then? There is no way that children would call a complete stranger they had never met mummy without some prompting from somewhere. So presumably their dad encouraged them to call you mummy, and you never corrected them? Children you had never met? wtf not? 'They were calling me 'Mummy' before I'd even met them." and again, why? I absolutely hate it when people ask this on here but ... were you per chance the ow?

My children call my husband (their step-father) Daddy.

I'm probably being a bit dense , but I'm really confused about the relationships here. I assumed you were married to the dc's birth father, (Their father had custody of them after the divorce and when we met they were living with him and fully expected to be living with us), thus making you their step-mother.

Presumably the OP has children of her own from a previous relationship - so her DH is SF to OP's children, and she is SM to his.