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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Christmas arrangements

191 replies

StepCatsmother · 05/12/2014 09:01

And more specifically, how much do you see your ex-P or how much does your P see his ex (depending on who is the step between you) over the festive period?

I know this might depend on how recent/friendly the split with the ex was.

I ask because I'm just curious about how 'normal' my DP's arrangements are. This is only the second Christmas since he split with his ex, and their relationship is fairly amicable as things go.

This year he has the children for Christmas Eve through to Christmas Day morning, when he will then take them back to his ex. She is taking them to her family for the rest of Christmas Day and Boxing Day. However, at handover she is planning a 'family brunch' for the 4 of them (her, DP and the 2 children - age 5 and 10). Apparently this will be an hour or 2 and DP is going because the kids will want him there.

I guess I don't know how to feel about this, at the moment I don't think I have feelings either way. I can see that doing something nice for the children is important at this time of year, but there is a little discomfort at the idea of them playing happy families. The picture doesn't entirely sit right with me but it might only be because I'm new at all this and don't know what's usual :)

OP posts:

FlossyMoo · 07/12/2014 18:09

Don't be ridiculous Star

Actually I am leaving this thread now. I find you draining and tiresome. In fact I don't like you and I don't like that I let myself get sucked in to your petty PA posting.

I will not engage with you again on any thread I would hope you will ignore me also.

TheMumsRush · 07/12/2014 18:17

I think it's a case of giving advice from experience. I also remember a time when this board was targeted by posters with only negative views of SM and constantly derailed threads. I'm all for constructive criticism but it was obvious some posters had a very low opinion of SM have no advice at all

WinterGloves · 07/12/2014 18:20

Hi OP

ExH and I have been divorced for years now and we have a similar set up to your DP by the sounds of it although we alternate it every year.

When ExH is here at lunch time on Christmas Day, he generally stays for something to eat before taking the DC round to his families for the afternoon. The DC enjoy it and we get on fine so it seems like a nice thing to do. He is single at the moment but I think if he had a partner to get back to then he would probably stay for a cuppa and a mince pie rather than an hour or so. Makes handing over the DC seem pleasanter, especially on Christmas Day.

ExH is still part of our family, he takes my nan out for lunch, occasionally helps my mum out with DIY etc but other than a 5 minute chat when dropping or picking up the DC I don't really see much of it. Phone calls are made when it's relevant to the DC.

I think we have a nice balance.

TheMumsRush · 07/12/2014 18:25

Winter, sounds like you have a lovely balance . It's about finding what works for all and also being open to change should it need be

TheMumsRush · 07/12/2014 18:26

Winter, sounds like you have a lovely balance . It's about finding what works for all and also being open to change should it need be

daisychainmail · 07/12/2014 18:30

I don't understand why people are angry at Stardust. I am a stepmum and also had a stepmum, and think she is spot on and not being aggressive.

daisychainmail · 07/12/2014 18:32

However I also think if the parents live in the same city it's very different to if they don't. I.e. in the same city it would be more like popping over to nan's after xmas lunch etc. and would make exes feel more like the same family. But when people live miles apart it is much more like everyone has a new family now.

StardustBikini · 07/12/2014 18:42

thanks daisy - I know some people think I'm rather half-empty, but I know I value a range of views and a dose of realism on the threads I read for advice.

Im not sure why sharing my experience with my own DD and her dad has been considered to be negative on this thread though - it works well for us.

ArsenicSoup · 07/12/2014 18:45

or are these DCs also expected to accept that their parent had DCs before they were born, and so they will be sharing one of their parents with another family?

Ha! I can't read further than that for laughing.

Their parents did have DC before they were born FGS

StardustBikini · 07/12/2014 18:53

Well, yes, of course they did arsenic

The point I was responding to is that their Mum is expected to accept her DHs absence from the family home during Xmas day because she knew when she married him that he had another family.
While it's only fair that she doesn't resent her DHs life prior to her joining it, it's a lot harder to expect a DC to be able to do that. I'm not sure it is a reasonable expectation of any parent of their child, tbh

needaholidaynow · 07/12/2014 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArsenicSoup · 07/12/2014 19:00

If parents treat it as normal, DC won't bat an eyelid.

Christmas can continue in the temporary absence of one parent; toys, games, food, films.

I can't see the issue. You make your own routines and traditions.

Boxing day can be just as big a deal as Christmas day if you want etc etc.

needaholidaynow · 07/12/2014 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StardustBikini · 07/12/2014 19:04

I can't see the issue. You make your own routines and traditions.

Teens have a habit of rebelling against routine and tradition just for the hell of it - add in a heafty dose of resentment, and you've got a fairly explosive mix.

I'm not suggesting that separated parents shouldn't spend time together - I'm just suggesting that it should be given at least as much thought as separation itself as it has just as much potential to be damaging in the long term.

ArsenicSoup · 07/12/2014 19:06

On;y scraps if you see it as scraps.

In fact, if dad (for example) spends most of Christmas at home with the resident DC and current family and visits the other DC for a few hours, then the 'second family' (revolting phrase) are getting the lion's share of quality time.

Dinner can be moved, present opening can be moved.....

There are loads of ways to make it work.

StardustBikini · 07/12/2014 19:15

so potentially two lots of resentful DCs. I certainly think these things should be seriously considered, and thought given to the benefits of the other options, such as annual alternating chistmas days or even chistmas weeks between the DCs two families.
If it's about being child focused, then maybe three full days with Dad and his family every other Xmas would go a long way to redressing the imbalance?

riverboat1 · 07/12/2014 19:15

Question for those whose DPs go to the ex's to spent part of Christmas there with the children - is this happening even if the ex lives with a partner? I imagine it tends to be more common if the ex has remained single?

NickiFury · 07/12/2014 19:19

As with most other areas of parenting if the adults set a good example then dc will follow suit. If the adults are stamping their feet and whining about it then dc will pick up on that, be made anxious and therefore see Dad going to see his children (their siblings) as A Bad And Upsetting Thing.

If the adults don't force their feelings and emotions onto their children then there shouldn't be an issue. There's a lot of What Ifs in your posts stardust.

Philoslothy · 07/12/2014 19:22

My husband's ex has just remarried. He spends every other Christmas with us

PerpendicularVincenzo · 07/12/2014 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needaholidaynow · 07/12/2014 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Petal02 · 07/12/2014 19:45

Unfortunately some men feel so much guilt about the split, that they massively over-compensate towards their 'first family' children to the detriment of their 'second family children' And if it means that Dad is busy easing his conscience on Christmas Day, it's likely that second wife and second family children see very little of him and/or have to fit their celebrations around the timings of the first family. Hence the phrase 'second family scraps.' It's more common than you think. And factor a manipulative ex into the mix, and you can imagine how complicated it gets.

riverboat1 · 07/12/2014 19:57

My husband's ex has just remarried. He spends every other Christmas with us

I am already confused - this is often the problem with talking about separated/blended families, it is hard to keep all the involved parties straight!

When you say 'he' spends every other Christmas with us, I guess you mean your husband, not your DH's ex's new husband?

But then I think that can't be right either because I had understood from your previous posts that your DH split Xmas between his 'old' and 'new' (yes horrible term but for an attempt at clarity) families? Unless I just assumed that meant he spent part of the day itself with each, whereas actually it was one year the whole day with one and then the next year with the other?

Sorry if I am being thick.

Philoslothy · 07/12/2014 20:02

My husband spends every Christmas with us as does his ex. Her new husband so far has spent every other Christmas with us.

Petal02 · 07/12/2014 20:03

But if this means that this particular poster only spends every other Christmas with her husband ....... Not brilliant, is it? Couldn't the children from his first marriage join his 'new' family on Christmas Day, rather than him going back to recreate a family that's no longer together?

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