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Original poster

Christmas arrangements

191 replies

StepCatsmother · 05/12/2014 09:01

And more specifically, how much do you see your ex-P or how much does your P see his ex (depending on who is the step between you) over the festive period?

I know this might depend on how recent/friendly the split with the ex was.

I ask because I'm just curious about how 'normal' my DP's arrangements are. This is only the second Christmas since he split with his ex, and their relationship is fairly amicable as things go.

This year he has the children for Christmas Eve through to Christmas Day morning, when he will then take them back to his ex. She is taking them to her family for the rest of Christmas Day and Boxing Day. However, at handover she is planning a 'family brunch' for the 4 of them (her, DP and the 2 children - age 5 and 10). Apparently this will be an hour or 2 and DP is going because the kids will want him there.

I guess I don't know how to feel about this, at the moment I don't think I have feelings either way. I can see that doing something nice for the children is important at this time of year, but there is a little discomfort at the idea of them playing happy families. The picture doesn't entirely sit right with me but it might only be because I'm new at all this and don't know what's usual :)

OP posts:
riverboat1 · 07/12/2014 13:38

Philosophy - no, but presumably the new partner does get to have some expectations! Using Xmas Day as an example, if the splitting couple decide they want to spend it together with the children, I might happily accept that as a new partner for the first year or two, but I don't think it would be unreasonable to expect that wouldn't continue to be the case forever! If you choose to be with a new partner, you have to take their REASONABLE wishes into account too.

FlossyMoo · 07/12/2014 13:39

The ex wife isn't taking priority but the children are.

There has to be compromise in any relationship. DH would spend the morning with us then see his DS in the afternoon. I didn't believe he should spend the whole day with us and ignore his DS's nor did I think he should spend the whole day with them either.

Viviennemary · 07/12/2014 13:46

I think whatever works for everyone involved is the only way forward. It must be difficult for new partners but when all is said and done the children must come first at Christmas IMHO and everything should be done to make them happy even if the adults would rather have it another way.

riverboat1 · 07/12/2014 13:46

Flossy - out of interest, why doesn't his DS come to you for that part of the afternoon?

Whatever21 · 07/12/2014 13:58

All too often the new old DCs are not considered part of the new family - that is a v common recurring theme on this forum, from monies, spent, time spent, bedrooms, clothes, activities, holidays, time spent with parent, etc.

Even when they live full time with Dad - they are not part of the new family.

I can understand why the new DP would prefer it if their partner had no tangles from the past - but that is not reality.

FlossyMoo · 07/12/2014 14:01

When we first got together we had no DC so we would spend the morning with each other then I would go to my family and he would visit his sons.

When our children came along the same routine remained for Christmas day. He was with them from 1pm until 4pm then would come home and have dinner (we always have Christmas dinner at 5pm). That routine seemed to fit everyone so we never changed it. Plus his ex has no parents and only 1 brother so for the boys to come to us even for the afternoon it would mean she was on her own. I wouldn't have liked the thought of that nor did DH.
The boys then came to us NYE and stayed until the 2nd.

riverboat1 · 07/12/2014 14:03

Whatever I think it is unfair and untrue to suggest that the majority of posters on this forum don't consider DSC a part of their family.

Reading this thread there don't seem to be any posts suggesting that point if view.

The few threads where that IS the case are the most controversial and therefore the most memorable.

FlossyMoo · 07/12/2014 14:10

Most of the posts on this forum are from SP asking for advice on how to make difficult situations better for everyone. They want to be a family as a whole and not have children treated differently whether that be because of an over compensating guilty parent or issues regarding DC/SDC. I think that shows that a vast majority of SP want an integrated family with only a few who hate/dislike their SDC and would prefer to be the only family in their DH/DP/DW life.

riverboat1 · 07/12/2014 14:11

Flossy - good example of 'whatever works'! If you are all happy with that it's great. It would work at all for us just due to family setups (both nuclear and, in terms of Xmas, extended) being so different. But there are a million different scenarios possible in separated/blended families.

Philoslothy · 07/12/2014 14:13

But if you meet a man and it is a very clear that he spends every Christmas with his son and the mother of his child I don't think you have the right to demand that it should stop.

I cannot imagine saying to my DSS mother that she is not welcome to spend Christmas Day with her own son or saying to my husband that he cannot have Christmas Day with his son.

I knew the arrangements and I knew that I was stepping onto an existing family.

Philoslothy · 07/12/2014 14:15

Riverboat in our case that is what has happened for almost 20 years and I imagine it will happen until DSS decides that he does not want to spend Christmas with his family.

FlossyMoo · 07/12/2014 14:16

It does work for us but I know that is not the case for everyone. Both DH and his ex are reasonable people and their split did not involve anyone else they just didn't love each other anymore which I think does help.

It hasn't always been plain sailing. Things got difficult when I was pregnant with DS1. The ex was worried DH would ignore the boys in favor of his new child. It was a difficult and tense 12 months however DH worked hard to prove that he would be there for the boys as always and things relaxed. By the time our twins came along there was no issues and their relationship remains non confrontational and they are both good parents.

riverboat1 · 07/12/2014 14:21

Philoso - I'm saying no one should be 'demanding' anything. I'm saying take everyone's wishes into account and try to find a compromise. What the children want is very important, but its not the be all and end all.

For example if the new partner is like the ex in Flossy's situation and has no other family, I imagine a loving DP wouldn't want to leave them all alone for all of Xmas to spend it all with his first family. I imagine he would WANT to try to find a compromise where he could incorporate new partner into his day somehow.

Philoslothy · 07/12/2014 14:28

He could spend the day with both, that is what we have done recognising that one child/ parent is not more important than the other.

riverboat1 · 07/12/2014 14:32

Philo - yes, that's exactly what I'm saying, find a compromise. Could be spending part if the day with both, could be something else, there's no one size fits all solution. What works for one family isn't the magic solution for all.

StardustBikini · 07/12/2014 14:48

None of these solutions account for half-siblings either, though; where do they fit in?
Are they expected to fit in and either spend some of their Christmas with their own parents and half siblings, alongside their half-siblings other parent (and possibly their half-siblings step parent as well) or are these DCs also expected to accept that their parent had DCs before they were born, and so they will be sharing one of their parents with another family?

It's highly unlikely that the four adults, and potentially teenage children, will all have the same opinion about how the various families should blend and integrate. So whose opinions take precedence? When putting the welfare of one DC is detrimental to the welfare of another, how does a parent, or combination of parents and stepparents come to an agreement?

FlossyMoo · 07/12/2014 14:57

or are these DCs also expected to accept that their parent had DCs before they were born, and so they will be sharing one of their parents with another family?

Ours do accept it. Our DC's together have never known any different, they accept the time DH spends with the boys and they accept the time DSS's spend with us.

No one person's opinion takes precedence in a family....ANY family. So why should it be different for step families/blended families?

The set up was already in place when I came along. I didn't feel I had the right to change it. Nor did I want to. When our own DC's arrived the set up still suited so again no reason to change it.

This thread is not discussing welfare star it is discussing a 2 hour visit on Christmas day. If you wish to discuss the family dynamics deeper to include welfare then maybe start another thread as I can see this one getting derailed further.

Philoslothy · 07/12/2014 15:12

Ours accept it because they don't know any different. Their brother is their brother, does not matter about the biological details.

PerpendicularVincenzo · 07/12/2014 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMumsRush · 07/12/2014 15:19

Whatever, my dsc are my family as I am theirs, they are my ds siblings and I love seeing them all together playing.

TheMumsRush · 07/12/2014 15:22

Also, philos, I do think things can change as situations change. If a dad gets a new partner (or mum) they might be happy for a shift in the pattern... Not hard to understand

xalyssx · 07/12/2014 15:25

This year I am hosting, so XP (DS1's dad) is staying over on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. He is taking DS1 to his parents' house on Boxing Day, and spending the weekend there. This fits in with usual contact.

StardustBikini · 07/12/2014 15:34

No intention to derail - just surprised that so many people consider their ex's to be a part of their family!

I divorced my ex for very good reasons, and while I fully accept that DD is part of his family with his DW, there is no 'family' that includes me and him together anymore.

As I said up thread, some DCs may benefit from their parents remaining part of the same family, but for others, it is more complicated than that.

FlossyMoo · 07/12/2014 15:39

Nobody has said the exes are part of the "family". What has been said is that the children remain to be family.

Also nobody has said it has to be this way or that way. The majority believe that it is whatever works for them. It is you who appears to want to nail it down and decide who takes precedence/who comes first/who matters more.

daisychainmail · 07/12/2014 15:44

God I am so glad my DH doesn't do this. His other DC (my DSC) come to join in with our family xmas, for some of the time. I think that's much more normal.

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